Dear Mr. Handler… or Should I Say, Lemony Snicket?

Dear Mr. Handler–

My daughter adores you, so by extension, we adore you, too.  She studies your books like a Talmudic scholar, bent over the pages of each book, dissecting word after word, plot twist after plot twist.

When we discovered you were coming to our town for a reading of your latest book a few years ago, my husband took the day off of work to bring her to Politics and Prose.  She was only slightly disappointed that Lemony Snicket wouldn’t be there and rolled with the presentation by his official representative, Daniel Handler.

There is a picture on my phone of my daughter talking to Daniel Handler, shyly smiling as he… YOU… signs her book.

Fast forward to this week when I got your new book, We Are Pirates.  I was all set to sit down and enjoy the story when my eye caught on Neil Gaiman’s words printed on the front cover: “The strangest, most brilliant offering yet from the mind behind Lemony Snicket.”

Are you kidding me?  (And Mr. Gaiman, I blame you as well.)  You cannot write a novel under the name Daniel Handler, official representative, AND admit in the same breath that you are Lemony Snicket.

I froze as we stared at the cover and then I saved your ass with a little quick thinking. (You can thank me later.)  “Oh my G-d.  You were with Lemony Snicket.  Lemony lied and said he was someone else — a representative named Daniel Handler — but the two men are one and the same.  So you thought you weren’t meeting Lemony that time, but you did!”

This cheered her up for a moment, but then the inevitable question was asked: why did he lie?

She has decided that you must have been in danger.  For instance, what if the woman with the hair and no beard walked into the bookstore, or worse, been sitting in the audience?  You clearly lied because you had to lie.  You may have even lied to protect the children in the audience.

Please be forewarned that the next time you go on a book tour, she will likely be at your Washington, D.C. stop, asking you about this.  So make up something good.  Please?  And stick to that story.

Thank you,

Melissa

A completely off-topic sidenote to everyone else: tomorrow is Microblog Monday.  Batten down the hatches.