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A Story of Eight Years: Every Day, I Mentally Delete My Blog

I will tell you a secret.

I think about deleting my blog pretty much every day.  Well, maybe not every day.  But certainly once a week.  If I’m not thinking about deleting my blog, I’m thinking about deleting my Facebook account or my Twitter account.  Every time the idea comes to me, it feels tenable, rational.  And then I start thinking it through and arrive at the same conclusion that I reach every single time.

You guys mean too much to me.

What hurt about leaving college wasn’t the end of classes or because I really loved my apartment.  What hurt was saying goodbye to the people.  We would never be all-together in that space again.  And even if we managed to drag the core group together for a reunion, the supporting characters likely wouldn’t be there.  And even if we could get all the supporting characters AND the core group in one space at the same time — a Sisyphean task — then something else would have changed.  The stores or the professors or the colour of the chairs at the student union’s lake pavilion.

Of course things changed while we were there in college.  Stores closed and our chancellor left to work for President Clinton and two bars burned down.  Friends came and went.  The people I was friends with senior year weren’t really the people I was close to (with few exceptions) freshman year.  But the changes were so tiny that we adjusted accordingly.  We were in the moment.

And being in this blog is about being in the moment.  It’s about recording the moment, but it’s also about interacting with all of you in the moment.  There are changes to the blogosphere every day.  When I look back at whom I was reading daily and whom I emailed with regularly eight years ago, I can only point to a handful of people who are still in my life.  And yet the changes have been so gradual — a tapering off of posts here and an increase in emailing there — that I rarely notice the shift.

I get a taste of how out-of-touch I feel when I go offline for a bit, such as when we’re on vacation.  It takes me a few days to catch up and feel like I know what is happening with you.  I think those small breaks are healthy reminders to how much my relationships here mean to me.

Because if I were to walk away and ever try to come back, it would be like trying to recreate college after graduation.

I could have something entirely different — in the same way that graduate school was entirely different from my undergraduate years — and maybe it would be just as good, but I couldn’t recapture this.

So I remember that, and I don’t hit delete on my blog or social media accounts.  Even when I start freaking out about online privacy.  Even when I get a rash of shitty emails.  Even when I’m filled with a desire to play Hay Day and not read another word; not be challenged to see another person’s point-of-view.  When writing a post feels like one.more.thing.on.my.to.do.list.

Because the truth is, I can’t remember a time when I dedicated the time to writing or reading personal blogs (I make the distinction because I don’t always feel the same way about impersonal media sites) and didn’t emerge from the act feeling as if it were time well-spent.  I may have gone in dragging my heels with a don’t wanna attitude, but I exited my screen time feeling as if I had gotten something off my chest or had a difficult thought make sense or learned something about myself or learned something about someone else or saw the world from a different angle.

So those are my thoughts on my eight year blogoversary.  I have written in this space for eight straight years, for the most part, on a daily basis, even if I don’t post every single thing I write.  2920 days of blogging.  3001 posts.  A pretty good run, nu?

Here’s to another eight years of not deleting my blog.  And in case it isn’t clear, please don’t delete yours.

28 comments

1 Amel { 06.25.14 at 8:13 am }

Happy 8th blogoversary, Mel! That’s quite a secret that you have. I haven’t really thought about deleting my blogs. I did delete one already, but that was because it was inactive and there weren’t many readers/comments anyway.

I actually even think that I don’t want to delete my blogs at all because they’re like my legacy for the world. I’ve felt this even more acutely after realizing that we’re not going to have children. So as long as I can keep my blogs scattered in this world wide web, I’ll let them be (at least that’s what I’m feeling until now – who knows if I change my mind someday?).

When it comes to my FB account, though, that’s something entirely different. I have thought of deleting it entirely, though I haven’t done it yet.

2 Mic (formerly IF Crossroads & Raising Mavis) { 06.25.14 at 8:19 am }

I did it. I deleted my blog(s). And while I regret it for the reasons you mention above, the thing I miss most is the connections I’ve lost.
Thank you for being a constant and for not leaving the blogosphere.

3 jodifur { 06.25.14 at 10:08 am }

Happy blogoverisary!

Last night i wrote a goodbye post and saved it to draft. I think it might be time soon.

4 nonsequiturchica { 06.25.14 at 10:37 am }

Happy blogoversary! I know a lot of people new to the infertile community come across your site (including myself a few years ago) and it is immensely helpful. I can’t imagine leaving the blogging community just yet- and I hope that you don’t leave any time soon either!

5 Life Breath Present { 06.25.14 at 10:39 am }

Happy 8th blogoversary! I wonder if I’ll make it 8 years, or even just half that time. Life is so dynamic and challenging and wondering what, if, how I’ll write as time goes on is an (at least) weekly occurrence. Deleting my blog…I haven’t quite considered that yet (or not recently), though I do wonder about ‘outing’ myself occasionally. It seems others do it so seemlessly, but I know I’m not ready for that. Plus, I really am not sure I want to do that to Hun or Baby Boy. We like our ‘relative’ privacy.

My personal FB account…yeah, I contemplate deleting it. Mostly I end up just ignoring it (literally) for months at a time. I haven’t and likely won’t delete it for many of the reasons you cited. There’s a little piece I can hold on to and use to communicate when others are weighing on my heart. I don’t have other social media accounts because I know I can’t/won’t/don’t want to keep up with them. Besides, the privacy issue(s)…yeah that’s me!

I’m glad you have a blog and keep up with it. I enjoy coming and reading your words, participating in discussions through commenting on posts, and seeing the world through your eyes! 🙂

6 tigger62077 { 06.25.14 at 11:27 am }

Happy 8th blogoversary!

I don’t think I’ll ever delete my blog. I might stop writing altogether some day, but I’ll leave it up. Some day my old posts might help someone. They also serve as a time frame for me – when things happened – because I tend to write about big things, important things in my life. I don’t blog every day. I did, once upon a time, but I don’t anymore because even then I didn’t get comments. It gets harder and harder to write when you feel like you aren’t being heard. So now I write when something is bothering me, when I need to get something out of my head, when I need an opinion or advice.

I’m glad you haven’t deleted your blog. I hope you never do. I like knowing you are here and that even if you stop writing, you’ll still be here.

7 Sharon { 06.25.14 at 11:32 am }

I would miss you if you went away, Mel. I so enjoy your writing and this space you have created.

8 Tiara { 06.25.14 at 12:40 pm }

Please don’t delete your blog. Please 🙂

Happy anniversary…wishing you another 8+

I considered deleting mine for the 1st time this year after only 4 years. It just feels better to stay. I don’t want to lose the connections I’ve gained & the safe space I’ve built.

9 Mrs T (missohkay) { 06.25.14 at 1:11 pm }

Happy blogoversary! That reminds me that I’m four years on twitter now (which I started before my blog). I am very glad you’re still here sharing so many interesting thoughts!

10 Gypsy Mama { 06.25.14 at 1:18 pm }

wow, congratulations on 8 years! If it weren’t for you, I’d never have made all the great connections I made during our adoption/IVF journey, so thank you for putting so much effort into this space!

I am a deleter. I freak out about privacy and/or other things. I always regret it later though… good for you for staying strong and not deleting!

11 Serenity { 06.25.14 at 2:17 pm }

8 years. How did that happen? Crazy talk, right there.

And I think about deleting my WHOLE ONLINE PERSONA multiple times a day sometimes, so I definitely feel your pain. And I’m selfishly glad you’re still around. 🙂

12 Ana { 06.25.14 at 2:23 pm }

Wow, that is some persistence! Happy blog-oversary, I for one, am glad you’re around!

13 andy { 06.25.14 at 2:29 pm }

8 years is very impressive! Please keep writing.

14 a { 06.25.14 at 3:04 pm }

Happy 8th blogoversary! That’s a lot of amazing writing…

15 Lauren { 06.25.14 at 3:27 pm }

Happy Blogoversary! And please, don’t ever, ever go away.

16 loribeth { 06.25.14 at 3:51 pm }

Happy blogoversary, dear Mel! You mean a lot to us too. 🙂 3001 posts in 8 years, and a 500th roundup coming up. Pretty amazing!

I don’t think I could ever delete my blog. Take it temporarily offline, maybe, as I did once a few years ago… but I couldn’t completely obliterate it. I don’t know how people do that. No way. Too much of myself in there that I want to hang onto & look back on.

17 Betty m { 06.25.14 at 3:53 pm }

Happy blogaversary! Is it really 8 years. It feels like less. Things are a lot different now but I am glad you are still here and still blogging.

18 knottedfingers { 06.25.14 at 5:15 pm }

Happy 8 years!!!

I consider deleting mine a lot. Or I did. Now that I have the resources for Pagan Parents going through Loss? I feel like I CAN’T. I’ve had it up for just over 24 hours and have had two emails from people thanking me. It makes me feel fluffy and happy. Good 🙂 Your blog does that for me! I hope you stay around a long time

19 Katherine A { 06.25.14 at 8:42 pm }

Happy 8th blogoversary! I am so, so glad that you are here.

20 Northern Star { 06.25.14 at 9:56 pm }

Mel, you amaze me. Seriously – you are a superstar woman, mom, wife, writer, professional, you name it. You are our Blog Mama; you keep us all together and you keep this ship running. Seriously, without you, there would be no ALI community. Thank you a million times over for your dedication to US. We love you!

21 Justine { 06.25.14 at 10:04 pm }

Happy 8th, love. And here’s wishing you many, many more. You’ve been my heroine since the day I met you.

22 Ellen K. { 06.26.14 at 8:03 am }

Happy blogoversary!

I haven’t blogged regularly since 2010, and although I’ve considered deleting my blog, I do want a record of it. And yet I don’t want to have it printed as a book, which is more expensive than I can justify at this time. The fact is, I don’t like to read most of my old IF posts. They are extremely depressing and often bitter, although I didn’t think I was all that bitter at the time. Infertile Miss E would have judged, and did judge, the person and mom that I am now. I remember this, but I don’t really want a print record of it. So I just keep her in place on Typepad, paying $5/month for her maintenance, rather than spending $150 or so (and countless hours of editing) for her to take up residence on my bookshelf.

23 Aerotropolitan Comitissa { 06.26.14 at 11:14 am }

Happy eight! That’s huge! But I can definitely understand wanting/not wanting to switch it off sometimes.

24 Sara { 06.26.14 at 3:59 pm }

Happy 8 year blogoversary! I do not have a blog mostly due to the privacy issues and I really do not think anyone would be interested in what I have to say. Your blog has been so helpful as my husband and I made our way through 3 IVF cycles. I even started leaving commenting on other blogs after reading some of your post. Thanks for all you do!

25 Queenie { 06.26.14 at 9:50 pm }

Happy blogoversary! I’ve been reading you for. . .hmmm. . .well, since 2008 or 2009, maybe? And you are a part of my daily routine more often than you are not. So don’t delete! I would miss you. 🙂

26 Geochick { 06.27.14 at 4:26 pm }

Happy Belated Blogoversary! I’m not deleting my blog, although there’s a couple posts that may need to come down. Sometimes blogging with emotion and slamming the publish button isn’t the smartest thing to do. Yet, I do it a lot. :/

27 Lori Lavender Luz { 06.27.14 at 5:17 pm }

I am so glad Josh pushed you to open up this space 8 years ago. Impressive number of posts, and to think you’ve probably left 5-10 times more comments!

28 Northern Star { 06.27.14 at 6:48 pm }

Oh little roundup, I love you! Thank you Mel for everything you do for this community!

My choice for the week:

Cristy’s post celebrating 10 years with Grey – I loved it! http://searchingforoursilverlining.blogspot.com/2014/06/decade.html

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