Female genitalia is sooooooooooo complex and so are we! I went on Buzzfeed to see if I could take one of their quizzes to figure myself and my organs out.  You see, I enjoy answering questions where the answers have randomly assigned meanings so I know which Harry Potter character I would be if I ever found myself inside those books or the best place for me to live — which is London, by the way.  And Buzzfeed knows that because I prefer beer over wine and think the colour blue is awesome.

But when I got to Buzzfeed, I discovered that there was no quiz that let me know whether I’m a uterus or an ovary.  Like none.  Which means, zero.   There are quizzes that let me know how “metal” my period was or if I’m human, (P.S., I am) but none that use my genitalia to make broad, sweeping generalizations about my personality.

Before I got to Buzzfeed, I was positive (and planning to write a freakin’ PhD on this subject) that your personality could predict your infertility diagnosis.  For instance, maybe if you have premature ovarian failure, you’d be more prone to dropping things, like, right after you pick them up.  So you don’t hold onto them for… well… for a long time.  Or, I thought, if you didn’t pick up on hints in a conversation, you were maybe a fallopian tube.  It all made sense in my brain, I just needed a quiz to prove it.  I mean, Aretaeus already started this work with his floating uterus theory.  But who was going to finish the work?  And how would I know if this was true and if personality had anything to do with infertility if Buzzfeed wouldn’t give me a quiz to help me find out?

Since it was missing from Buzzfeed, I decided to create my own quiz that lets you know whether you’re an I’ve-got-to-be-seen Vulva or a saucy little Uterus.  No fancy coding here: ladies (and gentleman who are inexplicably taking this quiz), you’re going to have to keep track of your answers on an old-fashioned piece of paper.

Please answer these random questions that seemingly have no meaning to find out which body part you are.

Question One: How far would you go for a $10 Starbucks gift card?

A. I’d drive at least 5 miles.

B. I’d walk across the parking lot.

C. I’d bend down and pick it up off the street if I happened to walk by it.

D. I would steal it out of someone’s back pocket, even if they looked as if they needed the coffee more than I did.

E. I would pet a cat.

Question Two: Did you shower today?

A. Yes, I shower every day.

B. I think I showered today, but I don’t really remember.

C. No, but I showered last week.

D. I’m not allowed to take showers.

E. I’ve already taken five showers, and I’m currently planning my sixth.

Question Three: The elevator doors open, and it’s filled with zombies.  What do you do?

A. Get inside and take the risk that they eat my brains.  I didn’t wait for the elevator for nothing.

B. Take the escalator.  Zombies aren’t worth the risk.

C. Take the stairs.  If there are zombies in the elevator, there could also be zombies on the escalator.  You can never be too careful.

D. Leave the mall; I didn’t need that new pair of jeans anyway!

E. Join them because I’m also a zombie so no harm, no foul.

Question Four: How do you eat a banana?

A. I mush it up and then mix it into yogurt.

B. I cut it up into chunks and spear it with a toothpick.

C. I feed it to my pet monkey.  Actually, I’m just kidding.  I only wish I had a pet monkey but they’re not allowed by my home owners association.

D. I feed it to my pet monkey.  I really have one!

E. I peel back the peel and eat it like a normal human being.

Question Five: You won a free trip from a travel agency.  Where do you want to go?

A. Wait, there are still travel agencies around?

B. Is the travel agency in a brick-and-mortar building?  How do they afford the rent?

C. That travel agency next to the Starbucks is still around?  I thought it closed years ago and became a Jos. A. Bank.

D. Uh, do they know about the Internet?

E. France!

Question Six: Which type of cookie are you?

A. I couldn’t find the Buzzfeed quiz that told me that either, so I don’t know the answer.

B. Wheeeew, I found that Buzzfeed quiz, and I know for a fact that I’m a snickerdoodle.

C. I’ve long suspected that I was a thin mint, but then I was told that I was a samoa.

D. I’m a chocolate chip cookie partially burned on the bottom but still edible.

E. I’m a doughnut.  I mean, a doughnut cookie.  It’s a real thing.

Question Seven: What colour is the scrap of paper you are using to record your answers?

A. Skin-coloured; I’m using the palm of my hand!

B. Skin-coloured; I’m using the palm of someone else’s hand!

C. Skin-coloured; I found a pack of post-it notes the exact colour of my skin.

D. Skim-coloured; this paper is the colour of skim milk.

E. Mel, I’m not answering this question.

Question Eight: Why wouldn’t the people who chose “E” for the last question answer that question?

A. They’re too scared about what other people think.

B. They’re too drunk to discern the colour, but they don’t want to admit that because they’re currently at work.

C. They’re sort of annoyed and only endure posts like this to get to the next Friday Blog Roundup.

D. Because the correct answer was not one of the other four answers.

E. Because they’re contrary on purpose like a toddler.  Nice job, grown-up.

Question Nine: Are you still taking this quiz?

A. No, I checked out about two questions ago.

B. No, I decided I was hungry for a banana and a cookie after reading those questions.

C. Yes, I always finish whatever I start.

D. Yes, I finish what I start when I’m going to find out what body part I am most alike, though I quit most other things midway through.

E. Wait, are you serious?  We were supposed to take this quiz?

Answers

Mostly A: You’re a Vulva.  You want everyone to see you and adore you.  You may not be the first one at the party, but you’re definitely the one people notice.  You are the Victoria Beckham of the genitalia world.  You love a good selfie, so you never leave home without a camera.  But even though you’re always noticed, people never get your name right!  They’re forever calling you by your bestie’s name.  Silly people!

Mostly B: You’re a Vagina, the ultimate bridge between your fun-loving, always open Vulva bestie and anxious Cervixes everywhere.  You’re the peacemaker, the passageway that brings all the great ideas to the group.  People may not notice you like they do your best friend, but you’re a really important member of the gang and they love whatever you bring to the group.

Mostly C: You’re a Cervix.  Let me guess: your arms are currently crossed over your chest as you read this.  Loosen up, Cervix!  We know you’re the one in the gang who is always looking out for nasty business trying to break up the group, but sometimes you need to let your hair down, have a shot of Jäger, and party.  Um… wait, scratch the Jäger: you’re also the one girl in the gang who can’t hold her liquor when the going gets tough.  Maybe we need you to be your serious, uptight self.

Mostly D: You’re an Ovary.  You’re the firework in the group, the one who is bubbling over with energy.  You’re cute, fun, and pop with life!  Wait a second… is that your twin?  Double the fun.  Not a twin?  Don’t worry, singletons are fine too.  And as they say, it only takes one…

Mostly E: You’re a Uterus.  Like an elderly lady’s pocketbook, who the hell knows what you’re hiding.  You’re a secretive little minx, and people would kill to be able to peer into you at their will.  But as always, you smile that mysterious smile and drive them wild.

I would tie it all in to your infertility diagnosis, but unfortunately, as Aretaeus predicted, my uterus was drawn towards a fragrant smell coming from my kitchen and is therefore traveling up to my nose.  Making it… well… hard to think with this uterus in my face.  Never cook and make quizzes at the same time.

Please let me know which body part you got.  I’m going to make a pie chart very soon that shows the breakdown of quiz takers to find out which body part ended up being the most popular.  Since it’s important to be popular (#badadviceforteens).