Things That Only an Infertile Person Can Do
Scratch what I said yesterday about how I wouldn’t be crotchety today. The truth is, I’m ovulating AND I’m evolutionarily backward. I always get bitchy when I ovulate instead of alluring. I like to think of it as my hormonal chastity belt. But really, The Stir is partially to blame too. I knew better than to click on the post titled “8 Things You Can Only Do if You’re a Parent.” I KNEW BETTER*. Yet I did it because I truly was curious: what can only parents do that all other people cannot?
I assumed the list would be something like:
1. Say, “I am a parent.” (okay, fair enough)
2. Say, “This is my child.” (okay, you got me)
And then 3 – 8 would be blank, a big in-joke because… guess what! Non-parents can do everything parents can do!
Except that isn’t how it went.
The list ranged from “Use your spit to clean something off another person’s face” (hi Stir author, you obviously haven’t spent enough time in brothels because water play with saliva especially concerning the face is par for the course) to “Say you’re tired and have people actually believe you” (yes, cancer patients, we never really believed you when you claimed exhaustion from chemotherapy. So get off your ass and help out parents — you know, the only ones who are really tired).
And then my head exploded and I had to spend a lot of time cleaning it up. (The Stir, I’ve come up with #9 for your list: clean grey matter off of children’s toys: since, you know, non-parents wouldn’t have children’s toys around the house unless they are professional toy testers or simply like toys.)
But then it dawned on me. This could be the next Shit Girls Say meme. Name 8 things only people in your position in life can do with extra points if you completely ignore the fact that all other people outside that situation can do it too.
So I had to do one for infertility. A list that completely ignored the fact that there are a multitudes of ways to resolve infertility and only focus on a tiny sliver of the population (mainly straight, upper middle class women since… you know… only straight, upper middle class women are infertile, right?). Diversity of experience be damned! If I didn’t do that, the list might actually be useful, and what fun would that be?
1. Have peanut oil drip slowly out of your vagina onto a pantiliner creating a fluorescent yellow stain: come on girls, you know you love this.
2. Create a baby without a penis coming anywhere near a vagina. In fact, your partner may not even be in the same building at the same time: talk about major plus sign.
3. Inject yourself with nun urine: actually, I don’t know if this one is true because I didn’t checked the fetish sites.
4. Cancel your long-standing vacation because it falls on CD3: staycations rock!
5. Spend loads of money to build your family: who needs free, right?
I paused here because it seemed unfair for me to claim all 8 slots. So feel free to leave your own below, and we can crowdsource our list. And then, it’s a fight to the meme death: may the best meme win!
* I’m not going to link because I’m not going to make it easy for your head to explode. You can Google the title if you wish to raise your blood pressure.