Run Don’t Walk to the Internet if You’re Having Trouble Conceiving
It was the title that made me click over: “Want a Baby? Stay Away From the Internet.” Stay away from the Internet? After doctors and nurses, men and women of the Internet have been the best, real-time resource for fertility; better than even books due to the interactive nature of the Internet. Books give me information, but unless the author is accessible online, all questions that pop up go unanswered from the source. Beyond that, putting my story out there on the Internet got me my final piece of my diagnosis — two clotting disorders. If I hadn’t listed my symptoms, had another blogger read it and comment on it, and ask my doctor what he thought of her questions, I wouldn’t have thought to make an appointment with a hematologist. My book, Navigating the Land of If, is information crowd-sourced from 1500 infertility bloggers, much of which is wisdom passed from person to person online. The Internet is the last place I’d warn a person away from who is looking to gather information.
The Philadelphia article begins,
Quick: When should you have sex if you’re trying to get pregnant? Feel pretty sure about that answer? So did the 204 “infertile” women in a study conducted by researchers at two Australian infertility clinics. Unfortunately, almost all of them were wrong. In fact, only 13 percent of the women could identify the precise days on which they were most likely to conceive. This despite the fact that 68 percent of them insisted they’d properly and accurately timed having sex to maximize conception before seeking help at the clinics.
Oh… now I get it. We’re all just “infertile.” With air quotes.
Listen, it’s true — the average woman doesn’t know her cycle as well as she thinks she does, and that is due to a combination of factors including squeamish educators who want to cover the basics of reproductive science with students and move along (nothing more to see here, kids, nothing more to see) and mothers not educating their daughters on their cycle. When I informed my OB/GYN that I was trying to get pregnant, she never sat me down and said, “let’s go over the basics of your cycle.” So everyone assumes everyone else is educating women, and as a result, no one is educating women.
Wait, actually, scratch that. Women are educating women.
It was Toni Weschler — who I found via the Internet — that explained the basics of my cycle in her landmark book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I then joined Fertility Friend, a site for and by women — on the Internet — where I charted my cycles and received feedback from their site administrators on when I was ovulating. Once I was diagnosed as infertile, it was other women on the Resolve boards — Internet again! — that helped me interpret test results or get through my first injection. And I was lucky enough to have infertile friends in my face-to-face world. Can you imagine what life would have been like if I had eschewed the Internet AND knew no one else who was going through what I was going through?
Interestingly, the article itself finally makes a point at the end that the information IS to be found on the Internet, negating its own title:
Eighty-seven percent of the women in the study said that after they decided they were infertile—which is clinically defined by a lack of conception within a year of trying—they sought information on when they were most likely to conceive. The most common informational sources were the Internet and books.
So the answer isn’t avoid the Internet but jump on there sooner. May need a change in title, Philadelphia magazine, if you truly care about women finding valuable resources and apparently correcting the “infertility” “problem.”
Updated:
I also love how the article implies that infertility is self-diagnosed (“after they decided they were infertile”). That it’s just something you decide to be. Where is the onus on the fertility center to actually be doing diligence as women enter? Are we to understand that everyone who goes to this fertility center is self-diagnosed, with no extenuating issues? Or only the 13 percent who were timing their cycles well actually have diagnosable problems? The rest are literally problem-free except for their timing issue? Were those 87% of patients sent away and told to try again on their own for a year once it was discovered that they didn’t know their cycle? Or did the fertility clinic continue to treat them?
I would really love an article that presents women as intelligent vs. reducing us to hysterical, jumping-to-conclusions, clueless people. Just one a week or so, tucked away in some dark corner of the media.
Truly, I expect the next article to be:
Women Realize They Must Put Food in Their Mouth and Chew in Order to Live.
Followed by:
Women Discover Breathing is Good For Their Bodies.
25 comments
Wow. I don’t think I want to read that artcile, the air quotes and the “after they decided they were infertile” is enough for me.
I think there should be more articles telling women to run to the internet with their diagnosis personally, telling them not to believe everything their doctors tell them, that you should always go into the office with questions and research. We might not be experts, but we should have the opportunity to ask educated questions.
And you are so right about women educating women, while everyone assumes we already know these things. I didn’t know about my cycles at all until I read “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”- my mom never taught me, my school barely covered anything (and they never covered things that could go wrong), I had no clue about my cycles. It was women online and that book recommendation that taught me what I needed to know.
I so wish I had turned to the internet when we were TTC. I had no idea that there was so much information and support available. I found Taking Charge of Your Fertility pretty late in the game – and it was a huge eye opener for me. I think if I had found your blogroll during that time I would have felt a lot less alone.
I feel just the same as you…the internet has helped me more than I could have ever imagined. Yes there are things to stay away from (Dr. Google) but there is a lot of excellent information out there if you know where to get it.
I was one of those that didn’t really understand when I ovulated. I just assumed I’d get off BC, have a lot of sex, and get pregnant. However when I didn’t have my period after 28 days and got a BFN, it was a TTC message board that I turned to. There I got a lot of awesome information, learned about charting, and figured out I most likely had PCOS.
Now the internet is my biggest source of comfort. During my miscarriages and when I need a pick-me-up the people in this community are there. They can give me advice based on their experiences, not just what doctors recommend. To me, the internet is invaluable. So I agree…run don’t walk.
10 years ago, whe nwe start our TTC journey, I had no idea the resources and support the internet could provide. I wonder how our journey could have been different if only I’d found it earlier (isntead of relying on the uninformed MD’s).
Haha!
Yes, those pesky women would’ve been perfectly fertile sans any air quotes had they only stayed away from the internet.
Prior to looking up information online, I was well on my way to babyville. And now, look at me, assuming my fertility is at it’s peak when I’m on my period and that sperm travels fastest towards the uterus via ear canal.
I’m so easily confused.
Ugh. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my two boys would not exist if not for the the information and support I found on the Internet. I would be mired in a deep depression wondering what was wrong with me after 4 years of TTC. I would still be seeing the pointless doctor who actually told me that we should have NO SEX in the days leading up to my temperature rise. Then, I should wait until the day after the temperature rise and then have sex for two days. And that would be the timing that would get me pregnant. Waiting until two days after I ovulated. Cause, you know, that’s how it works.
I saw that article too & rolled my eyes so hard it’s a miracle they didn’t pop out. The Internet saved me. Period. What a condescending load of of crap in that article.
What? Does the person who wrote that headline need some reading comprehension lessons? I certainly hope it wasn’t the author of the article. I mean, the article itself is mildly asinine nonsense, but it says that people who finally figure out that they might have their timing wrong get that information from the internet. So, either the author is a fool and wrote a contradictory headline, or the headline writer is a fool who didn’t understand the article.
You’re looking for what kind of article? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Good luck with that.
Sweet mother. I hate ingorance like this. Just hate.
Wow. Just wow. I am not “infertile” … I am in fact interfitile, without the quotations thank you very much. Sure, I may not know the precise day that I’m going to conceive, but I sure as hell know the period where I’m most likely to conceive. Unbelievable – honestly, I think I forget how out of touch some people are with fertility issues.
You know, it’s so frustrating to be judged by society. As though we’re crazy loons that just can’t “get it together” or “let it go” or “just accept what we’re given.”
And not go to the internet? What? Where else would I go? My new GP who’s response to me when I told her I was adopting was “Oh, you’re still young, you have lots of time to conceive.” What? Or my mother/sister/grandmother who have all clearly lived with endo but have been dismissed and brushed aside, despite a history of infertility and chronic pain? Or my friends who are all already parents with children around the age of 10, b/c they all got pregnant within a few months of trying? Like really – what kind of resources would we have without the freaking internet?
I can’t imagine my life as a fertility-challenged woman. I have often contemplated how isolated women in my situation must have felt even 20 years ago. Not to mention all those thousands of women like me in other countries, with no access to the internet. Where do they go for support? For information? For medical attention? I can’t even imagine.
I was at the bookstore today and found zero parenting books for adoptive parents. Zero books for children with pictures of mixed culture families. This is a lonely, resource-less world for those of us who face the world as an infertile without the internet.
Anyway, I could continue on and on, but I won’t. So frustrating. This makes me realize how totally unaware, unplugged and uneducated greater society is about infertility. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that the rest of the world is not living our reality.
Wow. Just wow. I am not “infertile” … I am in fact infertile, without the quotations thank you very much. Sure, I may not know the precise day that I’m going to conceive, but I sure as hell know the period where I’m most likely to conceive. Unbelievable – honestly, I think I forget how out of touch some people are with fertility issues.
You know, it’s so frustrating to be judged by society. As though we’re crazy loons that just can’t “get it together” or “let it go” or “just accept what we’re given.”
And not go to the internet? What? Where else would I go? My new MD who’s response to me when I told her I was adopting was “Oh, you’re still young, you have lots of time to conceive.” What? Or my mother/sister/grandmother who have all clearly lived with endo but have been dismissed and brushed aside, despite a history of infertility and chronic pain? Or my friends who are all already parents with children around the age of 10, b/c they all got pregnant within a few months of trying? Like really – what kind of resources would we have without the freaking internet?
I can’t imagine my life as a fertility-challenged woman without the internet. I have often contemplated how isolated women in my situation must have felt even 20 years ago. Not to mention all those thousands of women like me in other countries, with no access to the internet. Where do they go for support? For information? For medical attention? I can’t even imagine.
I was at the bookstore today and found zero parenting books for adoptive parents. Zero books for children with pictures of mixed culture families. This is a lonely, resource-less world for those of us who face the world as an infertile without the internet.
Anyway, I could continue on and on, but I won’t. So frustrating. This makes me realize how totally unaware, unplugged and uneducated greater society is about infertility. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that the rest of the world is not living our reality.
Horrible. Simply horrible. I owe this baby to the friends and the information passed between a few RPL blogs where between us we saw every expert in the field on three continents. Something a book would never have done.
To put it bluntly: the internet saved my life. My marriage, my sanity, my life.
I think PhillyMag is nervous about their subscription numbers and feels the scary no-good always-lying, never-backed-up-with-real-sources internet is driving their sales down. I’m sure the next article will be: “Buy This Magazine if you want to get Pregnant.”
Yeah, count me among those whose kid wouldn’t exist were it not for the internet — partly a function of medical information I pulled together and took to my caregivers, and partly a function of support in various forms. Yikes (WRT: the article).
I think I would have virtual punched the author of that article. In my mind. And then maybe if I saw him/her in real life, but that probably won’t happen because I don’t want to read the article and get upset.
Even if I DID know the best time to have sex or know my cycle, I wouldn’t have mattered a hill of beans. I had a surgery that means I can’t carry a baby to term (need a surrogate). I’m pretty damn sure that makes me “infertile”.
I think I would have virtual punched the author of that article. In my mind. And then maybe if I saw him/her in real life, but that probably won’t happen because I don’t want to read the article and get upset.
Even if I DID know the best time to have sex or know my cycle, I wouldn’t have mattered a hill of beans. I had a surgery that means I can’t carry a baby to term (need a surrogate). I’m pretty damn sure that makes me “infertile”.
You’re absolutely right. Run TO the internet. After my first ectopic pregnancy, i started visiting the EPT (Ectopic Pregnancy Trust) website messageboard. It was there I was referred to Toni Wechsler (TCOYF – poorly named but enormously helpful) and Fertility Friend. It was there that I got the information to help a friend, years later, who thought you were only fertile after ovulation. (She now has two sons). It was on the internet I got the information I needed to help my RE make a quick diagnosis, and to understand the issues around my IVFs. And it was on the internet that I’ve seen women get the information they needed (because their doctors and nurses were no help) to save their lives when they had ectopic pregnancies. Run, Run, Run towards the internet. Just avoid articles (and headlines) like the one in Philly Mag (read on – shock horror, of all places – the internet).
The thesis for the title of this article isn’t even developed that well! Why should those of us who struggle to find information, support and answers suppose to stay away from the big-bad internet? What poison is it spewing at us? The limited explanation sounds similar to the one I was given as a teenage girl that you could become instantly pregnant for kissing a boy. Ha!
Picking up Toni Weschler’s TCOYF resulted in me learning all the information I believe we should be teaching our teenage girls. Mainly because it made me comfortable with my body, nevermind the fact it helped me pinpoint ovulation. Like you, I joined the forums on the TCOYF website to track my cycles as well as to meet others. Little did I know that some of those women would become sources of comfort and support when everyone told me I was over reacting. These were the women that encouraged me to seek help, offering feedback and advice for getting through diagnosis and ultimately moving on to treatment. And after 3 failed rounds of IVF, I’ve yet to meet a doctor who assumes that this is all in my head.
So, what gives with the media? Why attack those who are trying to find information on a condition that is so taboo?
Grrrrr…the patronizing tone of the article is enough to piss me off. I have no doubt that without the internet I wouldn’t have found the answers or the determination to see everything through and have my youngest son.
Thank goddess for the Internet. ; ) I had seen TCOYF on the bookstore shelves, but had never given it much thought until I found myself a bereaved mother at 37 & desperate to get pregnant again, very much aware that it took 2.5 years for us to get pregnant & that time was running out. I had joined an e-mail support group & TCOYF was highly recommended. I considered myself fairly well read and knowledgeable about my body, and I was blown away by how much I had yet to learn. The group gave me the courage to seek help after ttc on our own for a year, and to insist on seeing an RE vs taking clomid from my dr after testing was inconclusive. And when our infertility treatment journey ended unsuccessfully, I found support for a childless/free life on the Internet that I would have never found “in real life.”
And to Alicia’s point, after my loss, I went on a desperate search for books about the loss of a baby (the hospital gave me a recommended list). I found very, very little in the bookstores (& I live in a major urban centre)(and the same goes for books on childless/living). I wound up finding the books I wanted (& more) I craved on Amazon. There was no Amazon.ca then, so I had to order from the States (and pay exchange — which was not in my favour at the time — & customs duties) — but it was worth it.
Airquotes used thusly are belittling and demeaning. Can you imagine if we used them when someone had “cancer” or was diagnosed with “multiple sclerosis”?
Love your suggestions for future articles!
It’s amazing how no one really knows when to have to sex to get pregnant. We’re taught that if you have sex ever….watch out! You’ll be knocked up in a second.
I’m glad that I was on the internet early so I figured it out right away and I’ve taught so many of my friends (in their 30s) because of what I’ve learned from the internet community.
Infertility is incredibly isolating, and mine is handily combined with recurring pregnancy loss. It is awful to go through, month after month, cycle after cycle. Were it not for friends I’ve made on the internet I hate to think where I would be. The support I received after my 4th miscarriage, a 2nd trimester loss that hit me like a truck has been immeasurable.
I’ve lent out my copy of TCOYF to about 10 women, all of whom have conceived and carried to term two kids since. It is awesome.
Oh and sorry, if I could also add, I will be teaching my son about TCOYF as well – should he be straight – so he understands his role in reproduction (and preventing it where they want to).
So let me get this straight… lots of women with fertility problems have trouble predicting ovulation? Well there’s a shock.
What do they mean by the precise day, anyway? As in, day of, or within a small margin of error? Because, I fully believe it’s hard to predict with no margin of error, even when you’re reading the signs right and doing ovulation tests. That’s why they (even on the internet) generally recommend having sex every couple of days either side. To account for the expected margin of error.
Yes, the clinics should be doing due diligence to make sure couples understand fertility before prescribing IVF. Unfortunately, I don’t think as much of this is being done as we would like to hope. That said, a lot of specialists even go to the extent of tracking cycles before prescribing any medication as well, so there’s a range of practices and lots of great doctors.
The trouble with looking for information on the internet is that people don’t have very good filters for fact vs fiction. They are often very new to the whole subject and huge amounts of information with no scientific/biological framework or literacy can get very confusing. To be honest, this is not just about infertility- I’m not sure how to promote clear, cool, logical consideration and digestion of facts in our society, but I am sure we need to try harder. Much harder. Starting in primary school, or earlier, but continuing without ceasing.
Blogland has its flaws in this respect, but it really comes out in the message boards which can be quite hysterical at their worst to the point of being quite misleading. The benefit of internet research is definitely there, but the wise internetter takes internet information for what it is and knows how to follow up sensibly.
I don’t think that article really helps in the above regard.
Bea