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Russian Roulette Blog Posts

Sometimes I play Russian Roulette with my blog, believing (probably improperly) that my real feelings will bubble to the surface when faced with needing to make a choice.  I write a post that I feel on the fence about; not on the fence about in terms of writing it because I always think it’s worthy to take the words out of my head, but on the fence about posting it.  Perhaps because I’m worried that I’m not saying it well and I’ll offend someone, or it truly is offensive and therefore I will surely offend someone, or it’s just a waste of time for someone else to read, or it makes me squirm on the inside to send these thoughts into the universe.  There’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t hit publish.

But sometimes I schedule a post to run at a certain time; usually hours away.  And I give myself that time to think about how I’ll feel when the post goes up.  If I’m still anxious about it, I’ve been known to dive at my computer with two minutes to spare and hit unpublish.  Or sometimes the hour passes and the first comment comes in, and I remember about the post and realize I was probably at peace with it if my mind rested.  And then there are times when a lot of other stuff mentally gets in the way so I inadvertently stop thinking about how I feel about the post.  Then the post goes up, and I gulp and have a “should I have published that” moment.

That last post was one of those posts.

I wasn’t worried about being seen as a bitch because frankly, I have my moments and I can be bitchy.  And I own that.  I wasn’t worried about the twins reading it in the future and what they’d think in terms of their placement on my emotional spectrum — I think our life is nuanced enough for them to know they’re not a replacement or a stand-in or any of those sorts of things.  They are just the ChickieNob and Wolvog; their own beings and I am so glad that they are here, that I get to be the person to mother them.  I wasn’t worried that I was being cruel to those pregnancies that didn’t continue — I think I conveyed clearly that I still grieve the fact that those babies aren’t here.  I wasn’t worried about being too open about my wonky uterus because that ship sailed about 5 1/2 years ago when I started this blog.

I don’t know what the hell I was worried about, but I had one of those moments where the first comment came in and my heart started pounding, beating out a mantra of “crap crap crap you forgot forgot forgot.”  By which I mean that without knowing why I felt that way, I totally understood when Esperanza said that it terrified her to post her comment.

Do you ever schedule posts to run in the future (hours or days) just to give yourself more time to think about posting?

I am also, I guess, surprised that it resonated with people.  By which I mean that I am an incredibly poor judge of knowing what will resonate with people.  Perhaps we are all poor judges when it comes down to it.  I know I am not the only one who has been beyond surprised that a certain post has elicited an effusive response while another that I thought everyone would nod their heads in agreement with has gotten a sort of bobblehead-in-the-breeze reaction.  By which I mean a few head nods, but certainly not due to the impact of my words.

Blogging really is just a game of vomiting it all out there, and then sifting through each other’s verbal puke to see patterns like reading wet tea leaves to find answers to our own thoughts.  Nu?


1 Hope { 01.09.12 at 3:22 pm }

If I’m worried about posting, I do one of two things, leave it in draft or, now that I have the option on WordPress, publish it, but make it password protected if I want some feedback, or completely private if I just need to keep a record of my thoughts. But I like your idea of scheduling the posts. I might consider adding that as an option.

2 Eggs In A Row { 01.09.12 at 3:34 pm }

It’s bizarre…sometimes I post things and I’m like, “No feedback? Really?” and then other times, I post things that I feel that I have not yet fully filled out, but I want to get it out there…and those are the posts that get a lot of feedback.

When I started blogging, I was terrified that I’d get someone who said, “You aren’t really infertile. You haven’t even been able to TTC, and you’ve never had a miscarriage.” And I was afraid that everything I’ve felt, waiting to get my “eggs in a row” would be invalidated.

But now I realize that the only validation I need is my own, and that I’m blessed to be able to have a place to spew my thoughts, whether or not anyone else reads them.

3 Melissa { 01.09.12 at 4:34 pm }

I’m quite new to blogging, so for what it’s worth, I just take a deep breath and post. If I wait ’til I think I’m “ready,” it likely won’t happen. (There’s a life metaphor in there somewhere, I suppose.) Thanks for you blog – it’s a pleasure to read.

4 Queenie { 01.09.12 at 5:47 pm }

I post whatever I want, and don’t worry about it. But then, I blog anonymously. I’d probably self-edit if I didn’t. But then again, that’s why I blog anonymously–it wouldn’t have value to me if I was self-editing and couldn’t say whatever I needed to say in that moment.

I just re-read your last post again, and I can’t see anything remotely objectionable about it. It resonated with me, too. It’s funny, the things we worry about.

5 a { 01.09.12 at 5:58 pm }

You make blogging sound so attractive! Sifting through vomit? Bwah-hahahahaha!

I don’t write anything that controversial, so I do not worry about publishing things. The one time I did write something that might be offensive to someone I know, my husband complained so much that I haven’t written about anyone I know since.

6 Sarah { 01.09.12 at 6:05 pm }

I used to worry about posting because there are some people IRL who know me and read my blog. I worry about posting something that might get back to someone IRL who doesn’t read my blog but hears it from someone who does. Then I stopped worrying. Mostly because I don’t generally write anything I haven’t said or won’t actually say to most of those people IRL.

My blog is semi anonymous and I write what I feel. If someone becomes offended, they are welcome to share their feelings. I can’t say I’ll change or agree with anything they have to say, but I will respect them.

How else am I supposed to verbally vomit on the world if not in my blog?

7 KnottedFingers { 01.09.12 at 7:53 pm }

I used to worry about posting. And I used to worry about hat people thought about what I posted. But now? I don’t really. I’m blogging for me and if someone doesn’t like it they don’t have to read it lol

8 Daryl { 01.09.12 at 7:58 pm }

I so do the schedule-to-post-so-I-can-edit/re-read/chicken-out-if-I-need-to thing. Even though I blog anonymously, I still self-edit and second-guess like nobody’s business. But there have been very few things (so far in my short blogging career) that I’ve totally decided against publishing.

9 MsPrufrock { 01.09.12 at 8:27 pm }

Much like nervously checking the toilet paper for bright red blood STILL (many years after that part of my life has passed), I think of something to blog about and debate internally whether it will offend anyone. This, despite the fact that I blog once a year. The other day I was thinking about those stupid awareness ribbons pasted all every flippin’ car, but I thought a daren’t casually mention my hatred on my blog in case I offend.

I realise that my example lacks the seriousness and thoughtfulness of your own. Perhaps this is why I blog once a year!

10 Mic { 01.09.12 at 9:16 pm }

It resonated alright. I am still thinking about that last post. It was raw and powerful.

11 It Is What It Is { 01.09.12 at 9:26 pm }

For the longest time, my blog (as far as I knew) was only read by complete strangers. As I’ve gone along, there are a handful of IRL friends, who I’ve shared the link with, that I know read everything I post. That alone often gives me pause enough when I worry about posting something questionable or too intimate (for instance, I waited a couple of months to even post that we were considering, after 2 years of no ART, doing a donated embryo cycle). I’m self protective in that way even if I tend to be an open book/heart on my sleeve kind of person.

I blog not only to organize my thoughts and have an on-line diary I can refer to, but also to read the comments, often from strangers, that are supportive and helpful. It is free therapy and I am glad for that.

12 Mali { 01.09.12 at 10:48 pm }

I have been very nervous about posting a couple of topics, and left them in draft and worked on them over several days. But once I decided to publish, that was it. I was most nervous about first, coming out and linking a post about my infertility and my new No Kidding blog on both my everyday blog andon Facebook. Second most nervous post was about a discussion held here – the whole “kids travelling first class” debate. I was so nervous about it I’m not sure why I’m mentioning it again!

You’re right though – it is hard to figure out which posts will get the biggest reactions.

13 smiling scar { 01.10.12 at 3:19 am }

At the beginning I just hit post.. then would run back and take it down (I don’t think there were many people awake to read my blog while I was writing from the other side of the world) and I didn’t understand readers much then….

Now I do hit schedule… but often more because I might write 3 posts in one day, but with very different tones and I want to space them out… I do see myself sometimes use that time the way you said, changing my mind and coming back.

And yes, I never know what posts resonate for me versus those who read them…

14 Elizabeth { 01.10.12 at 7:13 am }

That was a really vulnerable post.

15 Chickenpig { 01.10.12 at 8:39 am }

The only posts (so far) that I haven’t published were about things that were so raw and painful in the moment that I couldn’t publish them because I could barely stand to read them. Then the moment passes, and now they are out of place in my life’s timeline so it won’t make sense for ppl to read them. (I had one emotional vomit post in the middle of my son’s mystery illness, some docs thought it may be a fatal illness, and he did appear to be fading before our eyes. I never published it, and there doesn’t seem any point in publishing it now.) Now I self edit because I’m afraid of my ‘tone’. I don’t want my blog to bore and offend ppl as I spew the pain of my miscarriage. Just as I was apologizing profusely for bleeding all over the place in the examination room, I think it’s ‘unseemly’ to keep posting my feelings. I don’t know why. I never feel that way when I’m reading other ppl’s blogs. It’s not like I read blogs of others who have experienced loss and roll my eyes and think to myself “Get over yourself already!” So why do I think that about myself? I think most ppls perspective of their own blogs is a little skewed, IMHO 🙂

16 KH99 { 01.10.12 at 1:47 pm }

I tend to self-edit, but the more I blog, the more I become used to putting it all out there, the less I feel the need to self-edit.

17 Denise { 01.11.12 at 2:21 pm }

Blogging and putting yourself out there is intimidating at first. I think the gratification and courage to be brutally honest comes when support and feedback are given by others who understand.

18 Baby Smiling In Back Seat { 01.11.12 at 9:40 pm }

No, never. I almost always sit down to start writing and end up hitting Publish in one sitting. In between, though, I edit and rework and proofread a lot, and sometimes before I hit Publish I take a big breath.

I do occasionally schedule things to publish in the past, i.e., back-date them. Usually by just a few minutes or maybe an hour, so that they post before midnight instead of right after midnight, or around daylight savings when WP can’t figure the time change out. I write most of my blog posts between 11pm and midnight but sometimes I don’t manage to hit Publish before midnight.

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