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Little Bites 12

When I told the ChickieNob about the butter situation in Norway, she was absolutely horrified.  4 sticks of butter cost about $26 US (though Colbert reported $740 per box).  She immediately wanted to send the good people of Norway our butter, which I explained probably would go rancid on the way over.  And beyond that, we would be sending the butter blindly to a random address, and Mr. Pedersen at Ullevålsveien 1 in Oslo may not be appreciative to receive a random package of rancid butter regardless of our intentions.

Then she had the brilliant plan to make the good people of Norway brownies since they will not be able to afford the butter to make the brownies, and brownies ship better than butter.  Again, I told her that while this was a great idea in theory, Mrs. Eriksen of Tøyengata 51 may be a little scared to eat brownies sent by a strange American child who was heartbroken over the idea of her butter difficulties.

The ChickieNob is still at the drawing board, trying to solve Norway’s butter crisis.

*******

Fugazi is releasing all the old tapes they made at their shows and placing them up for sale on the Dischord website.  The problem is that I can’t remember which shows I was at (though including the location is helping somewhat — I totally remember being at Sacred Heart) and then there is the other fact that I prefer to have the original recordings (okay, so I moved from vinyl to CDs to now digital copies at some point) vs. the show versions.  But still, it was fun to peruse the archives.  I couldn’t help but notice that they recently uploaded a concert from Oslo, Norway.  Not that punk rock has anything to do with butter.  Mostly.

*******

A few months ago, I was standing in the kitchen, cooking brunch, when the ChickieNob opened the door to let in her friend.  I heard her say sympathetically, “I see that you now have a vision problem” and in my head, I immediately imagined that her friend, L, was sporting an eye-patch like a pirate.

But no, her friend, L, was merely sporting a pair of enormous reading glasses with the lens popped out.  Her mother followed her into the kitchen and explained that this was a new look she was trying out, a look that was enormously appealing to the twins.  They also wanted us to destroy two pairs of old glasses so they could walk around in enormous spectacles sans lens.  So for a few months now, they have been wearing glasses with the lens popped out, sometimes out of the house, but usually while they’re playing.  The ChickieNob especially enjoys wearing them while she’s reading.

Until last week when they wanted to wear them to school for the first time.  I was (1) worried that the other kids would make fun of them and (2) worried that the glasses would be disruptive, but I let them walk out the door with them because it wasn’t a fight worth having.  I totally forgot that I let them wear them to school so when I popped into their classroom later in the afternoon, my first thought was, “what the hell is on my child’s face.”

The glasses-to-school thing was a one time deal because while the kids did not make fun of them and they were not disruptive, the other kids did decide that it would be a great idea to poke their fingers through the empty lens slot and touch their eyes.  So they’re back in our spectacles case.

*******

The kids learned how to make a gingerbread house this year.  They made it with a nasty milk carton as the central support, covering the waxy cardboard with icing and attaching graham crackers to make the walls.  Needless to say, I offered them many things to dispose of said gingerbread house without consuming it.  They agreed to do so if I would let them make what Josh has dubbed a “Chanukkah Hut”: a house made out of brownies (that are attached together with nutella mortar) and decorated with blue and white candy.  Delicious.

*******

The Wolvog lost another tooth.  Rather than go through this again, I wrote the word “TOOTH” in all caps on a post-it note, and then placed my ring and thumb drive on top of it so I would not be able to get through the evening without looking at the post-it note again.

*******

I thoroughly enjoy some of my spam comments.  I mean, beyond the strange gibberish ones or the Viagra ones.  Some of my recent favourites:

  • “I’d actually rather pee on the golf club but yeah, I agree with you, George.” — left with a link to an engagement ring site.
  • “Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.” — left with a link to a loan payoff site.

With some extra googling, I found the first one originally as a comment on a golf site, and the second is a quote by Lyndon B. Johnson.  I guess my question is why spammers utilize urine in so many of their fake comments.

What has been your favourite piece of spam lately — blogwise or emailwise?

17 comments

1 Magpie { 12.22.11 at 8:03 am }
2 Chickenpig { 12.22.11 at 8:44 am }

No spam here. But I am thinking that if you sent butter in one of those insulated envelopes we get IF meds in with an ice pack it wouldn’t go rancid. Butter and cheese are actually ways of preserving milk, and butter can go a while w/o going rancid during cooler months. You can actually keep butter in a butter keeper on your counter for weeks. (a butter keeper is a small ceramic crock that is soaked in water. It keeps butter quite cold). It still doesn’t get around the fact that sending butter to random strangers probably isn’t the best idea :)

3 Katie { 12.22.11 at 8:48 am }

Best spam comment this week: “Why are you choosing to buy a baby? You sound awfully entitled to BUY someone else’s BABY.”

Good to know. :)

4 HereWeGoAJen { 12.22.11 at 8:49 am }

I used to go to school with someone from Norway. You know, something like 23 years ago. Her name was Tiina. Maybe the ChickieNob can try her, if she gets desperate to mail something made of butter. Or you know, the ChickieNob is welcome to mail baked goods to me and I will be delighted to forward them to Norway for her. I wouldn’t eat them all myself at all, I promise.

I had to stop reading all my spam comments, since I started getting too many and it was taking too much time. I have to hit delete all now and it KILLS me because what if there is a real comment in there by mistake? I’m sorry, real comment! GAH. But my favorites were the ones that were insulting about my writing. They’d say something like “this could have been a great article if you had fleshed it out a bit more.” I always wondered what they thought they were going to accomplish by insulting me.

5 a { 12.22.11 at 8:51 am }

If only I had the Chickienob’s contact info…I could introduce her to the concepts of styrofoam, dry ice, and expedited shipping. Then she could start a black market in butter. She could make millions…if only the Europeans didn’t consider our butter inferior. But hey! All those hormones and antibiotics ensure a constant milk supply!

I never get any interesting spam, but I am certainly not complaining.

I had a friend in college who would wear glasses with no prescription to make herself “look smarter.” I never understood the concept…probably because I’ve had and hated my glasses since I was 13.

6 Gail { 12.22.11 at 9:04 am }

The Chanukkah Hut sounds fantastic! Yum!!

Lately, my spam has been all in Russian or Japanese so I have no idea what it is saying. I even have my filter set to immediately send all non-English messages straight to the spam folder, but somehow my phone never got the same message and they pop up randomly and have to be erased. Grrrr….

7 Meghan { 12.22.11 at 9:07 am }

A hut made out of brownies and nutella sounds amazing!!

And the glasses thing reminds me of my husband at that age. Apparently in 1st grade a girl he had a crush on got glasses so he started pretending to not be able to see so he could get them too. My mil actually took him to the eye doctor!

Happy Hanukkah to you and the family!

8 Caitlin { 12.22.11 at 10:02 am }

L. is wearing her glasses right now and reading over my shoulder. She’s tickled to be reading about herself!

9 KnottedFingers { 12.22.11 at 10:09 am }

Chickienob is so sweet to want to send everyone butter <3

As for spam! I won the Irish Lotto!! AGAIN!!! Even though I've never played LOL

10 Elizabeth { 12.22.11 at 10:53 am }

I am drooling over the idea of Chanukka huts…. mmmm…

11 Jendeis { 12.22.11 at 11:14 am }

Hanukkah Huts! In other news, I’ve decided we must make a fingerboard dessert. Maybe it could be siding on a Hanukkah Hut? :)

12 Eggs In A Row { 12.22.11 at 11:24 am }

Dear ChickieNob, Please do not even FAKE needing glasses. I know a girl (totally not me) who faked a bad eye exam in kindergarten so that she could get glasses, and now has the worst vision of all time. If only I…I mean, she…knew what karma was.

Hanukkah huts will now become part of our traditions. Thank you.

My best spam? “Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive!” which is so random because we all know Notorious BIG was.

13 Rachel { 12.22.11 at 12:16 pm }

I got a spam email today with this in the subject line:

“You’ve been invited to hook up for sex.”

I didn’t even open it. But I did laugh out loud. I also got a spam about the dryer i recently purchased at amazon. Except, I didn’t. Weird.

14 Queenie { 12.22.11 at 3:55 pm }

I got the “you’ve been invited to hook up for sex” spam, too! Repeatedly!

Not that anyone asked, but I think European butter sucks. It doesn’t taste as good. It’s not as buttery. I want butter that tastes like butter!

15 Sushigirl { 12.22.11 at 5:53 pm }

If I was a Norwegian I’d be far more worried about the price of beer. A night out over there costs a fortune.

16 Emily { 12.22.11 at 11:53 pm }

Awww…Chickienob is such a sweetie. Let her know my family over there would love to get butter from her! They aren’t making much of our traditional Christmas desserts this year.

I just got my firs spam this week. Unfortunately it was just for viagra.

Happy Chanukkah!

17 Bea { 12.30.11 at 1:42 am }

You get great spam. Urine obviously hits the mark between not being too gross to turn people off but at the same time gross enough to catch their attention. Or something. A psychologist should write a paper.

I hope the Chickienob keeps thinking about that butter problem. Maybe she could raise money and send it to a Norwegian organisation for those with low disposable incomes? And then people can choose, according to their own system of values, whether or not to prioritise butter over other items they may be struggling to afford, like, say, cheese. (Forgive me for getting a touch bleeding-heart libertarian on her, I like to grasp my opportunities.)

Maybe you could also point out the various political and economic policies which have led to the butter crisis and have a short discussion on the various pros and cons of these approaches. Whilst costly butter is a downside, there are some upsides also, it must be admitted. Then you could either finish up with a thorough explanation of the nutritional value and documented health risks associated with butter (at least in excess) and a mini dissertation on the merits and drawbacks of various butter alternatives, or you could turn her attention to actually starving kids in, say, Africa, who not only lack butter, but also most other things, and see what she thinks she can do about that.

Seriously. I would like to hear her thoughts. Give her my email address if need be.

Anyway. The important thing is that she is thinking about various solutions to the problem and I absolutely encourage that, even if she doesn’t find a good one in this specific instance.

PB just learnt this week about kids in the world who don’t have enough to eat. Food is important to him and it made a big impression, but so far he has been unable to propose any solutions.

Bea

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