Posts from — December 2011

My brain feels incredibly mushy, like the last clementine you leave in the bag for some unknown reason for an extra three weeks that sort of feels okay to the touch but sort of not, and you stand with the refrigerator door open for an extra 30 seconds holding it, wondering if you should eat it or dump it for safety sake.

I probably shouldn’t be blogging now.

This is sort of like drunk dialing where I’m going to drag the phone to the bathroom (so I don’t wake up my roommate but also to be close to a toilet in case I hurl) and squeeze myself into the corner so the towels are hanging over my face while I cry into the receiver that I just.love.you.so.much.

I love you guys so much.

I finish writing the last Creme blurb for all entries received before December 15th.  There are still dozens to do that came in after December 15th and more that will come in after the list goes up, but the ones I promised to do so the list can go up the morning of January 1st are finished.  Edited (though I’m sure you’ll find type-os).  Links checked.

What amazes me every year — which everyone else gets to experience too once the list goes up — is the scope of our experiences.  That I’ve done this now six times, and there are still viewpoints on the list I’ve never considered before.  Ways of looking at infertility or adoption or loss that literally hadn’t occurred to me prior to reading the post.  Isn’t that sort of incredible?  I don’t just mean that I never saw another post like it on a past Creme de la Creme list; I mean that I’ve never read a post like it.  Period.

There is so much to learn from listening.  From sitting with someone else’s thoughts and words.  Like our own experiences, it is what takes life from being a two-dimensional, black-and-white drawing to being a 3D, technicolour movie.  Hopefully you will devour the list in smaller bites than I did this year (there were a few days when I worked on the list through the entire day until my ass went numb).  I hope you enjoy it when the list goes up tomorrow.

On a site note, The Grateful Said (best comment you received in 2011) will kick off at the beginning of January.  I decided to run them back-to-back instead of simultaneously so we could all concentrate on one thing at a time.  You may want to go choose a comment that moved you during the wait so you’re ready to go when the list opens.  Hint: go to a post that was hard for you to write and pick the first good comment; that was probably the one that set your heart at ease, which is a pretty important distinction to have.

Happy last day of 2011.  May you have a very happy new year.

Last Roundup of 2011.  We don’t really have exciting New Years plans.  Part of me regrets not pulling something exciting together, and part of me knows that not having plans is the right choice.  I think I sometimes get wrapped up in the “shoulds” without really considering my wants, and I go along with things out of obligation instead of true desire.  I like being in my pyjamas in a warm house with a book or a movie.  I like hanging out with just the kids and Josh.  I don’t like champagne or wearing real clothes or sitting in a car or talking over music.  But all those facts go out the window sometimes.  And even when they don’t, you get something like this, where I feel like I’m missing out by not making plans.  Even though I don’t really want them.

What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?

*******

The Kindle version of Life from Scratch is enormously on sale for a few days as part of an Amazon promotion to fill-your-Kindle (assuming, of course, that you just got a Kindle for a holiday gift and it is empty).  So if for some crazy reason you haven’t read it yet, here’s your chance for 99 cents.  99 cents.  You can’t even get a cup of coffee anymore for 99 cents.  And a book is going to last a lot longer than a cup of coffee.  Our daily library fines are more than 99 cents.  Think about that — you can keep my book out from the library for an extra day and pay more than you would if you bought your own copy.

That said, if you truly do love me — and I use the term “love” loosely here to even refer to lukewarm fondness toward me — please help me spread word about the deal before it’s over.  Tweet it, Facebook it, Google+ it (is that even a term?), blog about it, email about it, buy a copy for your best friend.  Tell your coworkers about it as you stand around the cooler drinking copious amounts of water.  Write it in chalk on your street.  Write it across your boobs because that’s where guys are looking while they talk to you.

Pretty please?

*******

And now the blogs…

But first, second helpings of the posts that appeared in the open comment thread last week as well as the week before.  In order to read the description before clicking over, please return to the open thread:

• “The Longest Night” (Mrs. Spit… Still Spouting Off)
• “Infertile. Pregnant. Myself” (The 2 Week Wait)
• “Here Comes the Sun” (My Life After Loss)
• “Occupy Blog Street” (Stirrup Queens) — thank you, Lori!
• “A Christmas Carol” (Searching for Our Silver Lining)
• “I Wrote This” (Eggs in a Row)
• “Christmas and Infertility” (Our Little Pebbles)
• “Dusting Yourself Off at Christmas” (Viva la Vida)
• Untitled (A Little Blog About the Big Infertility and Adoption Too)
• “Preggo Don’t Preach” (Mommy Odyssey)

Okay, now my choices this week.

Awful But Functioning has a post about the loss of their cat that mixes into the story of the loss of her daughter, Maddy.  It is a gorgeous post about what happens when life continues, and she writes: “At first I was frustrated. Deeply. Eye-roll-y frustrated. But as more names and pictures that filtered past, the frustration melted and I looked at my hot mess of a child, yelling while looking like he was making snow angels but in a grassy lawn, and realized I was lucky. I was so, so fucking lucky. We rode on the elevator in the parking garage after the event with a couple with no children with them. I felt embarrassed, standing there amid my jewels and riches.”  It’s a gorgeous post about life after loss.

Bottoms Off and On the Table has a post about why she hates Christmas.  I think I loved it for this line: “Gift giving at the office is like orgasms.  It’s best when it happens simultaneously.”

Geebaby also has a post about being on the fence about Christmas.  I read so many great Christmas posts, happy Christmas posts, that maybe I was drawn to these two because they were different and because they were just as honest.  Like this: “More than anything, Christmas makes me feel every year like a terrible actor in some bizarre play, woodenly going through the motions and hitting marks. Drink coffee, open gift, thank giver, eat cheese.”

Lastly, Waiting for Little Feet has a post about being asked about her pregnancy… when she’s not pregnant.  Her trip to Aruba turned out to fall smack into everyone else’s babymoon.  But it’s a chance meeting on a boat that reminds her that you never know what someone else went through to get the life you observe from the outside.

The roundup to the Roundup: What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?  Please help me spread word about the Kindle deal.  And lots of great posts to read.  So what did you find this week?  Please use a permalink to the blog post (written between December 23rd and December 30th) and not the blog’s main url. Not understanding why I’m asking you what you found this week?  Read the original open thread post here.

St. Elsewhere posted a great question on the Prompt-ly listserv: Are you happy to leave this year behind or more excited at the prospect of the oncoming year?

I have no reason to kick 2011 in the ass.  It was a fine year starting with the fact that everyone in my immediate family and immediate extended family is coming out of 2011 alive.  That fact is sort of my limbo stick for how I feel about a year.  When I can say that (and that circle extends from embryos to close cousins), I feel like the year squeaks underneath.

Beyond that, it was a fairly decent year.  My last book, Life from Scratch, came out in December of 2010, but it didn’t really take off until 2011, so I’m counting it as part of this year (side note, the Kindle version is part of a limited time fill-your-Kindle sale right now for 99 cents).  I started guitar lessons.  I went to the White House and met the President.  The Wolvog received a life-changing email, and I got to speak to my hero again too.

I learned to ride a scooter, purchased Bob Jackson, brought Cozy Jackson Ford into our house, and started Prompt-ly.  We separated the twins for the first time and we all survived (though they do still sleep in each other’s room a lot of the time).  We took them to Disney World.

All in all, a good year.

I sort of always cringe and squint at the next year.  I am terrible at waiting and would love to know what the year will bring.  I sort of wish life were a musical and at the start of each year, you’d get an overture, and you could sort of mentally prepare if you hear a jazzy, happy number that something good might happen, and if you hear a soft ballad, you might be able to steel yourself for some bad news.  Or perhaps having an overture would only heighten that anxiety with waiting; both filling me with even more dread than usual anticipating bad things or more impatience than usual expecting good things.  All I know is that I am certain (if I’m still alive) to be writing a post like this reflecting on the year and anticipating the next one twelve months from now.  And that’s sort of the best I can hope and know.

So how would you answer St. Elsewhere’s question? Are you happy to leave this year behind or more excited at the prospect of the oncoming year?

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: The list is now closed.  The February list will open on 2/1/12.
  
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Geebaby (life, waiting, early)
3. The Unfair Struggle (mfi, speedskating, trying again)
4. Waiting for Little Feet (ivf, pcos, life)
5. Adventures in Mommyhood: Mommy Outnumbered (mommyhood, crunchy, life)
6. Clay Baboons (humour, illustrated stories)
7. Donor Diva: Mother via Egg Donation (egg donation, parenting, secondary infertility)
8. Invisible Mother (rpl, reproductive immunology, cooking)
9. Adventures of Endo in the Arctic (endo, pregnancy, IVF)
10. Eggs In A Row (PCOS, TTC, and marriage)
11. Unglamorous (ttc #2, finances, family)
12. Here We Go Again (parenting, random)
13. If You Don’t Stand For Something (MFI, life, waiting)
14. Relaxed No More (ttc, infertility, ivf)
15. My Life in a Nut Shell (IF, miscarriage, everyday life)
16. Unruffled Lanie (ivf, high fsh, life)
17. Non Sequitur Chica (infertility, exercise, food)
18. My Life with Endo & Infertility (endometriosis, infertility, weightloss)
19. MoJo Working (fet, foster/adopt, ttc 10+ years)
20. Hoping for a Due Date in Good Time (IVF, pregnancy, endometriosis)
21. Created Family (unexplained infertility, miscarriage, social worker)
22. Survive and Thrive (pregnant after infertility)
23. Feeling Beachie (life, humor, family)
24. Our Pathway to Parenthood (infertility, ART, MFI)
25. A Blanket 2 Keep (IUI, life, hope)
26. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?) (infertility, domestic adoption, completing our family)
27. Four of a Kind (parenting, secondary infertility, loss)
28. Bend in the Road (life after stillbirth)
29. The 2 Week Wait (infertility, pregnancy, humor)
30. Tippy & Tidy’s Tumultuous Trip to (Twin) Toddlers (donor eggs, pregnant with twins after infertility)
31. Life As I Know It (twins, infant, life)
32. TheStorkDiaries (infertility, TTC, humor)
33. Journey to the Finish Line (infertility, running, everything)
34. Musings of a Hormonal Egg Basket (parenting after infertility)
35. My Lady of the Lantern (neonatal loss, grief, new baby-oh my)
36. Wistfulgirl’s World (adoption, infertility, random)
37. Knocked up by Another Man (DE-IVF, parenting, Alaska)
38. How I Spend My Dash (life, parenting after IF, multiples)
39. Viva la Vida (infertility, infant loss, hope)
40. In Due Time (infertility, miscarriage, college)
41. Living Our Life In Cycles (if, ivf #1, hope)
42. Life is Simple, It’s Just Not Easy (TTC#1, IVF, post-cancer)
43. Infertiles Laughing (humor, indecision, adoption)
44. Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying (pcos, iui #1, miscarriage)
45. Bring on the Babies… (miscarriage, IVF, pregnancy)
46. A Page In My Book (IF grad, family, humor)
47. Notes from the Ninth Circle (IVF, insurance, PGD)
48. She’s One In Amelian (infertility marriage running)
49. A New Song (FET, parenting after infertility, faith)
50. Building a Family Through Donor Insemination (donor sperm, IUI, life)
51. The Childless Mom (ivf-icsi, fet, humor)
52. Not a Fertile Myrtle (male factor, IUI, IF at 40)
53. Metholic (bfp, ttc, fostering)
54. Between the Paper Sheets (miscarraige, ttc, marriage)
55. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, parenting)
56. The Elusive Second Line (TTC #1, PCOS, on a forced break)
57. Beyond The Wallpaper (infertility, translocation, ttc)
58. Buck Up, Buttercup (pregnancy after loss, creativity, transitions)
59. Are You Listening (TTC#2, multiple miscarriages, toddler parenting)
60. MISSION: Fertile Seoul (infertility, international adoption, happiness)
61. Hope is a Four Letter Word (ttc #1, ivf#2, dor/pof)
62. Being Joyful Always (infertility, failed adoption, weight loss)
63. The Cornfed Feminist (pcos, irony, oversharing)
64. Hope Delayed (infertility, ivf, loss)
65. Our Adventure Through Infertility (life, infertility, health)
66. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
67. One Day at a Time (IUI, fertility, waiting)
68. This Blondie Wants Babies (ivf, miscarriage, life)
69. Alphabet Salad (writing, life, reflections)
70. These Rotten Eggs (ivf infertility treatment)
71. Lil Family Blog (motherhood, lesbian, adoption)
72. Detour (miscarriage, endo, septum)
73. BattleFish (early pregnancy after IVF, first child, life)
74. MissConception (TTC #1, twin loss, PCOS)
75. Believing in June (IUI, ttc #2, infertility)
76. Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers (infertility, international adoption, waiting)
77. Bohemian Transplant (pregnancy after infertility)
78. With Just a Little Help (infertility, ivf + icsi, ramblings)
79. Taking the Long Way (signing off)
80. Bloggers for Hope (male factor, parenting after IF, donor sperm)
81. Stinky’s Momma (mother to 4 month old)
82. Mommy Summers (mom after pcos)
83. Stress Free Infertility (stress-free tips, advocacy, success stories)
84. Writing For Life (pregnant after IF, life in uk)
85. Barrenness in a Fertile Land (pcos, life, ttc)
86. Great Expectations (TTC #1, PCOS, IUI #3)
87. A Life Improbable (relationships, food, events)
88. Hapa Hopes (infertility, treatment, intercultural)
89. The Journey through Life (TTC#2, life, IUI)
90. Infertility Unexplained (waiting to miscarry, ivf, fet)
91. Whitney & Erick (surrogacy, adoption, RPL)
92. When ‘We’ Becomes 3 (ttc, reviews, IF)
93. For All the Things We Hope For (unexplained infertility, nursing school, couchto5k)
94. Getting It Sorted: life after loss and the steps to remain sane (stillbirth pregnancy health)
95. We’re Making a Baby (twins x2, preemies, moving)
96. The Kay Khronicles (life, food, infertility)
97. Family Life (family, humor, budget)
98. Mira’s Mama (new baby, balance, family)
99. Lori Does Maryland (baby-after-loss, current IVF)
100. Cablearms (art, life, infertility)
101. Life with Endo and PCOS (daily life treatment free)
102. I’m Just Ducky, Thanks (surrogacy, adoption, feelings)
103. The In Between (miscarriage, ttc, infertility)
104. No Baby Ruth (parenting, PCOS, Spain)
105. Where Do We Go From Here? (depression, life, infertility )
106. A Miracle in the Works (pregnancy after loss, unexplained IF)
107. GoTeamBaby (IVF, myomectomy, Hope)
108. Bio Girl (parenting, infertility, endometriosis)
109. Adventures of a Nomadic Housewife (TTC#2, weightloss, PCOS)
110. Carneyexploits (IVF, crafting, home improvement)
111. my dusty uterus (first baby, humor)
112. Birdie’s Family Journey (life, infertility, family)
113. The list is now closed.  The February list will open on 2/1/12.

Q: What if I miss a day?

A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What if I have two blogs? Can I sign up twice, listing both blogs?

A: Yes, but you also need to double your comments. If you have two blogs listed, you should be leaving 12 comments per day.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?

A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?

A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is silvery-blue, the next month it will be green, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?

A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?

A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours). The list closes around 11 p.m. EST on the 21st.

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?

A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?

A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

This has been one of the most fascinating discussions — at least, for me.  Bea said it best when she called discussing gift giving a minefield.  I really did worry about offending someone because I get the sense that the gift portion of Christmas is sacred not for the tangible items to be obtained but for the tradition of unwrapping presents that maybe stretches back to childhood.

I’ll start by saying that I love receiving gifts and giving gifts.  Not a huge fan of accumulating clutter or things I’ll never use, but a well-planned gift that lets me know the person cares about me?  Which can mean a gift card — I love receiving gift cards to places I go all the time because it makes me feel free to treat myself to something I really want.  But seriously, who doesn’t like to get something, especially if it’s something they want?  I prefer gifts to be “just because” than at a certain time of year out of obligation (same gift card, but I’d rather get it on a random day which makes me think that it’s about me, vs. getting it on a holiday or my birthday which is still very much appreciated, but sort of becomes about the event instead of me.  Does that make sense?)

I like giving gifts when I think of something the person might want.  I like it when I can come up with something clever, but most of my gifts are more of the standard thoughtful variety.  I know the person’s taste in jewelry, so I get them some jewelry.  Or I know they like cooking equipment, so I get them something I enjoy using that I think they might enjoy too.

I give the same mishloach manot basket to everyone for Purim, though tweaked to keep in mind people’s food allergies and likes/dislikes.  That holiday is probably the closest we have to Christmas shopping, but the gifts are entirely of the food variety with the exception of children.  I give kids toys or books with their mishloach manot baskets.  And I LOVE to give those every year; I would cry if I couldn’t go overboard with Purim baking and candy making.  I end up mailing or delivering about 50 of those boxes, and it is one of my favourite things I do all year.  I like thinking about people opening their box and eating their way through their box, but even more, I like the expectation that they’re going to receive a box.  That it’s a given that it’s near Purim, and I’m sending mishloach manot.  So I guess I understand that side of the Christmas tradition, even though ours differs in the sense that everyone receives identical baskets of baked goods and candy vs. having to go to the mall and hunt down the perfect item for each individual.

But mishloach manot is a small piece of the holiday, and not really one that the twins seem to pay too much attention to overall.  They don’t make wish lists or race down the stairs in the morning in anticipation of the gift.  There have been plenty of years where we haven’t given them a tangible item for Purim and if they’ve noticed, nothing was said.  I think if I had to point out what they obsess over with Purim, it would be their costume.  Purim is about going to shul and the megillah reading, and it’s also about the carnival.  But mostly, they want to design their costume and have something cool to wear for the Purim parade.

*******

I realized reading your responses why it would be difficult for me to do Christmas shopping, especially if I had to come up with multiple gifts for the same person and stocking stuffers, etc.  Shopping is done — I’m assuming — over the course of weeks or even months.  I’m going to assume that if you have 20 presents to buy, you don’t do all of them in one day, the day before Christmas.  There might be the rare person who does that, but more than one person mentioned that specifically stocking stuffers are small items collected up over the course of the year.

Here is the problem: When I buy something for someone, I give it to them immediately with only a few exceptions.  If I think to myself, “the twins would love a new hexbug set,” I go out that day and buy them the new hexbug set and surprise them with it when they get in the car from school.  Gifts are less tied to behaviour or reward or celebration, and are more just one more way of me saying, “hey, I thought you’d find this cool” or “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re really into this right now.”  I usually don’t hold onto gifts for more than a day or two.

I don’t like to stockpile gifts, shopping over the course of weeks and tucking the gifts away for a specific occasion.  And if I can’t come up with something that makes sense in the moment, something I think the person really wants, I hate just getting something for the sake of getting something.  So for the most part, the twins get gifts when the thought strikes me vs. tied to a holiday (that said, they receive small items on their birthday, Purim, Befana Day, and their floating second birthday — more on that in a moment).

Coincidentally, I saw The Descendents on Monday and realized as I watched the movie why I give gifts this way.  When I was younger, I saw someone not receive something she wanted, and a few weeks later, she died.  And all I could think about at the funeral was how stupid it had been for her parents to deny her this simple thing she wanted because life is so tenuous and brief and no one knows which day may be their last day.  Since I was little, this idea has stuck with me and permeates everything I do.  Which doesn’t mean that I live my life without planning things, but we are more of an eat-dessert-first family.  If the twins have an idea and there’s no reason to say no, I don’t say no.  Somehow we’ve been able to keep life in check, not devolving into complete hedonism.  But I do tend to give presents for no reason, right when the idea strikes me.

The movie; the randomness of death, his wife going from vibrantly alive to in an irreversible coma in the space of a second, flipped the light switch for me, and I was still crying as I walked to the car, remembering this girl and how much her death has affected the way I live life.  I wouldn’t change the way I live life, frankly.  I like being mindful of how quickly things can change, and as long as the kids balance out following their wants with remembering their needs, I’m fine to keep going this way without change.  Because there is a broken part of me that I know would obsess about putting off something fun just to have it fall in line with something on the calendar.  I think that it’s both an irreparably damaged side of my personality as well as one of my best traits at the same time.

*******

I have to admit that I don’t remember most of the presents my parents got me over the years.  I remember a few here and there, but while I know I must have been really excited in the moment, they didn’t really stick with me.  The gift I do remember is the one I still have; long after the stuffed animals and Playmobil sets and electronics are gone.  One year, my dad wrote a poem for each of us; a specific poem about each child in the family.  I still have that poem.  I have no idea what my parents thought before they gave it to me, but it is still my favourite gift they ever gave me (I mean, when you take things out such as life, food, college tuition, etc).  I knew it was my favourite gift in the moment, and that is why I still have it — I knew enough to tuck it away for safe keeping whereas I didn’t do that with any of my old Playmobil sets.

Knowing that sort of puts the compiling of plastic toys in perspective.  The twins may have a different experience pointing to one of their toys as their favourite gift when they’re in their late thirties, but I’m hopeful that even if it is something I bought, that it will be something I bought mindfully.  With great intention behind it.  Or maybe they’ll screw with me and it will be some random thing I could have never predicted would make a big impact on their psyche.

I think my parents instilled a good appreciation though not expectation of gifts, and we’re desperately trying to do the same for the twins.  So far, it has worked, and they don’t behave as if they’re owed presents, though they do love to receive them.  If we tell them that they can’t keep something, they roll with it.  We sometimes ask them what they want, but usually just try to listen to the sorts of things they talk about and compile gift ideas that way.  I also get them things such as an iTunes gift card for no reason whatsoever so they can treat themselves to things such as a new app or e-book just because.  I certainly buy myself gifts over the course of the year, and I want them to have the power to make themselves happy rather than having to wait for someone to buy things for them.  I think springing gifts on them when they least expect it creates a Phantom Tollboothy feel in our house, great unexpected adventures may happen on a completely ordinary day.  And it keeps us from having too much of a letdown after any holiday or birthday.

In fact, because the twins share a birthday, we created a floating birthday-like holiday for each of them, and it springs out of the calendar without warning.  One night they go to bed without knowing anything is up, and the next morning they wake up to their kitchen chair decorated in candy and presents.  They get to choose all the meals and activities for the day.  But without knowing it’s coming, they can’t anticipate it.  And once it’s gone, there is sometimes a bit of a letdown to know that it’s over for the year, but there is usually something else to look forward to before them.  Such as their real birthday.  But that is another way for me to slip a present in there, one that I bought that day that I want to give them immediately anyway.

*******

I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to give presents (there may be a wrong way to receive presents… I’m thinking of Veruca Salt).  I think there’s just the way you feel comfortable doing it.  Some people like to give extravagantly, and some people like to give more restrained.  Some people like to give a lot of small gifts so there can be a lot of moments of tearing off the paper, and some people like to give one big ticket item that the other person would never receive otherwise.  I think, for me, I will continue letting my fatalistic fears of how brief life is rule how I give presents and hand them off immediately after purchasing them.  Mostly because I like the idea that every day could be a potentially wonderful day where you get the excitement of a present.

I read this to Josh before posting and he wants me to add that I am terrible with keeping gift secrets, though fine with all other sorts of information.  He claims that when I get him something, I immediately start taunting him with hints about it, and when he doesn’t take the bait, I need to give it to him immediately so we can talk about the gift — not because he wants to know what it is, but because I can’t stand knowing something that he doesn’t know.  This is true.