Pretending You’re Pregnant Makes People Truly Understand Breast Cancer
A few friends announced their pregnancies this week. I was thrilled for them even though… you know… it stings. But genuinely thrilled nonetheless for them.
After this spate of pregnancy announcements, I saw a friend’s Facebook status later in the week. She wrote that she was 22 weeks and craving a Slurpee. And my heart literally froze as I read the words on the screen. I had just seen this friend a week earlier. She didn’t look pregnant, though I couldn’t remember what she was wearing. Had she been wearing something flow-y that could hide a pregnancy? Had she dropped hints? Did she try to tell me and I literally didn’t hear her? This wasn’t someone who was just sneaking into the second trimester, starting to tell people. She was 22 weeks along, closer to delivery than she was to conception.
I spent fifteen minutes combing back through the last few months of her blog, looking for a tiny clue that she was pregnant, seeing if I had missed something when I declared Google bankruptcy. There was nothing there.
But then I started wondering if all our other mutual friends knew. If they had known for weeks and had kept it from me. And I wondered if this friend saw me in the role of the broken bitch. You know the role of the broken bitch — it’s a place of pity, but they also hate you for it. It’s tiresome to have to walk around on eggshells around you, but at the same time, it’s just so sad that you can’t get pregnant.
And by that point, I was angry. I was furious because I not only am genuinely happy for friends, but I am outwardly effusive about their pregnancies within reason (I mean, come on, your pregnancy, like your engagement or your house search, is interesting to others but it’s INTERESTING to you. And you can’t expect everyone else to regard your news in all caps. Lowercase needs to be acceptable). I buy baby gifts. I babysit. I hold people’s babies. I touch their stomach. I hold in my tears until I can get to a bathroom and cry in private. And what was the point of all of that — of stamping down my own hurt to be genuinely happy for another person — if I still got screwed in the end?
I spent most of the day alternating between sad and embarrassed and angry — this pu-pu platter of unhelpful emotions that stopped me from doing work. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I didn’t know because I was so embarrassed that I read the news over Facebook when they had probably known for weeks. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was afraid that they would tell me that so many of our friends thought this about me; dreaded telling me their news and therefore held off doing so. I get that it’s hard to tell it because I can tell you that from my end that it’s hard to hear it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it so we can rip the bandaid off and get on to the part where I’m genuinely happy for you and plotting future cuddles with your future child.
And then I found out that she wasn’t pregnant.
Apparently, pretending that you’re pregnant as your Facebook status is supposed to somehow raise awareness for breast cancer.
Yes, nothing other than “how far along you are” and “what you’re craving” — no link to NIH’s page on breast cancer or the Mayo Clinic’s page; something, let’s say, helpful if you’re trying to find out more about breast cancer, you know, that disease that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with during their lifetime. Literally, no information other than a pretend week count and a pretend craving. And that is somehow supposed to raise awareness for breast cancer.
Well, it didn’t raise awareness for breast cancer. I would hazard a guess that you didn’t learn anything about breast cancer if you saw one of those updates. But what it did raise awareness for was — hopefully — infertility, and this is what you can take away from this: 7.3 million Americans are diagnosed with infertility. That’s 11.8% of the child-bearing population. Worldwide, it comes out to be about 10% of the child-bearing population. It’s not that rare a situation.
We are your friends or family members. You may see us in the carpool line at school (yes, you can have a child and be infertile, it’s called secondary infertility) or alone at the supermarket. You can look at us and not even know that we have a disease of our reproductive organs because infertility doesn’t have outward signs of physical trauma. We may have never shared with you what we’re going through, even though you may wonder why there is such a large age gap between our children or if we meant to remain childless or why our children don’t look like us.
This post should tell you a little bit about how we feel when we navigate the fertile world. We know the rest of the world doesn’t need assistance to build their families, and we certainly don’t begrudge them that fact. People who are infertile would never wish infertility on another person, so we’re thrilled that you’re not making the hard choices we have to make, enduring the treatments we have to endure, filling out the paperwork we have to fill out. We’re thrilled that you do not have to experience all these various paths of invasiveness.
But we do.
So it would be wonderful if instead of pretending you’re pregnant on Facebook, you use that status update to raise some real awareness. You can make it about the original intention — breast cancer — and provide factual information so more women know when to start getting mammograms, do self-breast exams, and what are warning signs where they should contact their doctor. Or you can use your status to educate people about infertility if you learned something reading this post. Perhaps you didn’t know that statistically 10% of your Facebook friends read that fake pregnancy status and went through the roller coaster of thoughts I went through. That’s a fairly sizable chunk.
And that sensitivity can go a long way. You expect it from us. You expect us to ask about your pregnancy. You expect us to attend your shower and drop off a meal and hold your baby. It’s what a good friend does. But we need that sensitivity to be a two-way street. So now that you know that possibly 10% of your Facebook friends can’t build their families without assistance, can we please stop playing memes that don’t serve a real purpose; except to make hearts jump and make people doubt themselves.
160 comments
Wonderfully put. I too experienced that momentary sting. Luckily(?) a few more updates rolled in in short order from unlikely sources which then sent my IT security brain searching for hacking/virus issues and Google enlightened me.
Thank you for this, it’s much more effective than my ‘fake fb Pregnancies make you a jerk’ tweets *g*
I wholeheartedly agree. The whole premise is ridiculous. And given that I have one friend in the middle of a miscarriage and another who is at her missed due date I find it offensive.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words! That status game is just appalling to me. I am conisdering therapy to help me cope with all the negative feelings (anger, disappointment, depression) infertility has bestowed upon me. I hope I can learn gracious ways to handle cruel and insensitive remarks made by otherwise good people. Your book gave some great ideas; I think I’ll whip out my trusty highlighter and practice scripting.
Hear, hear!
Your words completely sum up my feelings about the current facebook fad.Whoever decided this to be the way to express support for breast cancer has obviously never been through IF.
I’ve been wondering what those posts were all about. Especially when my cousin who has had a hysterectomy posted one.
I can relate to feeling like the broken bitch. The one that people are tired of having to walk on eggshells around. I’m sure they wish we could just get over it already so they don’t have to think about us anymore.
I also think this idea is a stupid way to raise awareness about anything. But I also thought the color of your bra, and where do you like to put your purse ones were too.
So, so well said. What an absolutely stupid status update phase (personally, I don’t like the so called ‘raising awareness’ status things).
In terms of the whole issue of pregnancy and having to deal with it, I hear you. And I get it.
Much love to you. x
Thank you Mel. I had a similar experience as you, but then realized it was a ill-thoughtout campaign. Annoyed that my emotions had been taken advantage of.
My cousin actually posted on her FB page a protest to the meme that stated it was unnecessarily hurtful to infertile people. I think I’m going to steal it and make it my FB status. I’ve lost a number of ppl in my family to cancer, but not to breast cancer. I’m really sick of all the breast cancer awareness bullshit. Where are the reminders to get your prostate exam? Your colonoscopy? To wear your sunscreen? Whatever…only breast cancer hides in the darkness. Yeah right.
Thank you for posting this. I went through same thing you did when I saw these posts, and made my own status update (and lengthy blog entry) expressing my outrage. I hate these stupid breast cancer awareness games. They don’t raise awareness for anything. I just don’t get it!!
Considering the fact that about five friends had similar statuses at the same time, I clued it almost immediately that it was another Facebook DO THIS NOW OR YOUR COMPUTER WILL EXPLODE type of thing. My heart dropped a little when I read the first one, though.
I mostly just felt annoyed. The bra color awareness thing didn’t do breast cancer awareness any favors, especially considering how many women with breast cancer face or have had mastectomies. This ploy was even worse, because it’s like a one-two punch to two populations of women with health conditions. I especially feel for women who are faced with infertility BECAUSE of breast cancer (or any type of cancer).
Thankfully our impending move tomorrow has kept me off of Facebook enough that I haven’t seen any of these statuses. How lame and idiotic in itself but even more lame and more idiotic that women we know would actually succumb to participate. Blech.
Thank you for this post. I too saw these status updates earlier this week and my immediate thought was well there goes people I’ll have to hide because I don’t want to read their status updates about happy pregnancies. Then I figured out what was going on and I was appalled at how ignorant people can be. It’s not even funny or relates anything to breast cancer. It’s just stupid. Sometimes I believe that intelligence goes out the door when people get on Facebook.
First, I am so sorry that you went through that roller coaster of emotions. But, second, this is such an eloquent, visceral post. So well said. Perfect. Thank you.
I heard about this game on Twitter, and luckily haven’t seen it show up on FB yet…but give it time, I’m sure I will. As well as completely insensitive to those struggling with infertility, I think it’s doubly insulting to cancer survivors. What about those who are infertile due to their treatments? How must that make THEM feel?
I’m not a fan of all this “awareness” crap in general. Raising money for research is a noble goal, but most of this awareness stuff does SQUAT to raise money to prevent cancer or to help those who have it already.
My mother-in-law died after a long struggle with breast cancer 2 years ago, and I don’t see how she would have benefited from such silly FB games. How about asking the loved ones you know that are dealing with cancer if they could use some help getting groceries, cleaning their house, cooking a meal or walking their dog? Simple tasks that are incredibly difficult when they’re going through treatments…
Thank you, Mel! I actually posted on this exact topic last night… I too was upset by the FB game and find it upsetting that people claim to raise “awareness” without any sensitivity to others. I’m going to add a link to this blog entry at the end of mine.
Thanks for this. You took the words out of my mouth. That about does it.
My story about this meme is a happy one. I first heard about it because a bloggy friend – who is infertile as a result of childhood cancer treatment – posted a protest status calling out the idiocy of these memes, and making the connection with IF. I stole her status when the meme rolled into my inbox 10 minutes later, after sending a gentle message to the friend who sent it to me, explaining why I was posting what I did and trying to open discussion rather than making her feel judged and called out. Anyway, the response to the stolen status was great – many friends who haven’t dealt with IF said they agreed with me and were thankful I spoke up, and 3 other friends posted the status as well. So my friend’s brilliant status appeared in my feed 4 times, the meme only once, and the friend who posted the pregnancy status commented on her own post that she had realized how little these things actually do for cancer awareness. All in all, it felt like a triumph of reason and thoughtfulness. And a reminder that speaking up is always worth it, especially when we can do it gently and with kindness, because that allows for the most opening of people’s minds.
So perfectly said. I am posting this to MY facebook.
I fail to see how that at all raises awareness. I thought nothing could top the PETA vasectomy ad. I was wrong.
I’m with you. Luckily, I received a message on FB from someone advising all women to “play along” before I started seeing the messages. Needless to say, I did NOT participate, but it helped soften the blow of the other messages. I, like most of you, fail to see how this would help the cause for which it was intended. Thanks for saying what my heart already had.
Thank you Mel for this post. I’m sitting here in my hotel room bawling my eyes out (got this is stupid and I must be O’ing this weekend) because you have expressed exactly how I feel. I was fortunate enough to not see this game as an actual FB status first, but in a message to put it as a status. I couldn’t believe what it was actually asking people to do and I replied to the message as such. I’m torn between saying something on FB (not nearly as eloquent as you) and not saying anything at all. Maybe it is best to stay away for now.
Bravo. Bravo.
Also. *That* was what all the handbag comments were about? Boy. That strategy just sucked. I had no idea. At least that was a harmless sucking.
Bea
The first such FB post that I saw was actually from a RL friend who has had four premature babies, one of whom didn’t survive. When I saw she was “six weeks & craving Skittles” my heart just dropped into my stomach & all I could think of was that I was going to have worry through yet another friend’s pregnancy (& with very good reason). Then I saw two more such posts shortly after that & clued in that it was some kind of status meme — although the point that it was to raise awareness of breast cancer (???) was completely lost on me. Thanks for this, Mel. You are SO right.
Idiotic plain and simple & why I deactivated.
I’ve read comments from real people who have real breast cancer who also are not so thrilled with these cutesy things either.
ITA, although luckily I didn’t “fall for it” because the first friend I saw post about it is someone who I know is definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY not pregnant, in so far as anyone can be “definitely not pregnant,” so I reasoned that one through pretty quickly. But it’s such a stupid thing and I hate when I get “secret” emails about it, like by virtue of being a woman we’re all in on some cheeky little game that isn’t even remotely about a disease that kills thousands and thousands of moms and daughters and sisters and best friends (and men as well). We can make it CUTE because it’s a GIRL thing!
I saw this blog posted on a friend’s facebook today and as someone who is currently struggling with infertility all I can say is: THIS! THIS! A MILLION TIMES WHAT YOU SAID! Thank you for so clearly stating what I felt when I first saw this meme. I’ve shared this blog on my facebook as well and others are already posting it to theirs.
I hate most of these breast cancer awareness things. I’m the daughter of a male breast cancer survivor. Want to feel isolated? Be a man with breast cancer. You wouldn’t believe how many people don’t even know a man can get it.
WHAT?? I am now COMPLETELY AWARE of EVERYTHING breast cancer thanks to my 49-year old facebook friend telling me she was 14 weeks and craving Twix.
Are you all idiots? Isn’t the link between [breast cancer factors, diagnoses, prognoses, treatments and outcomes] and [a random number and a random candy] completely, wholly, totally 100% OBVIOUS??
Duuuuh.
Oh what a relief! I had been searching for the words for exactly what you just described about the whole “broken bitch” thing. That is exactly how my in-laws view me. I’m the broken bitch that’s mucking up their family fun. I think I may just say that to them next time, oh wait, that wouldn’t be very helpful now would it?
Great post!!
Thank you for posting this. I’ve had these silly status updates littering my feed for the past week and had the same reaction to the first one.
I was really thinking about what to post in response, but couldn’t come up with the words. So instead I posted a link to this post on my FB page. Thank you.
Thankfully the first one I saw was “I’m three weeks and blah blah blah…” so I knew it wasn’t pregnancy and thought she was actually on a diet! Once I found out the real story I about barfed. Seriously? At least it didn’t say “97% of people won’t repost this” but that is about all I can say for it.
Thank you so much for saying so articulately what I often feel. Good to know I am not alone.
So beautifully written. xoxo
Thank you for posting this. I just posted a response on my Facebook. You can check out what I wrote on my blog if you like. Luckily I got the email and knew what it was about, but I was disgusted by how insensitive this whole campaign was.
I’ve seen these too and was blow away that women were sharing this information so soon and in such an odd way. Then I got the foward to post it myself. This was not something I was planning on doing but now I’ll respond back with this article. Thank you.
I have been debating writing a bitchy status about this. The first person I saw do it was someone I was pretty sure was “fixed” (her words!) and most likely wasn’t pregnant. It then proceeded to pop up in my feed about a dozen more times, and I got at least 3 invites to play along. It’s just so freaking stupid. Most of them are, but seriously? “Let’s all join in the land of pretend and mock being pregnant for breast cancer”. Sure thing. At least the bra one made SOME sense…
Seriously, people?! I get that you feel some broken-ness over the idea that others have made these posts. But they’re not “faking a pregnancy”. The claim that this is true would require that they go around claiming to the world/public that they have been impregnated and this simply is not the case.
These internet fads are often thought up by younger women who may or may not have gone through breast cancer and/or IF. I happen to know of TWO currently circulating. The other involves inches and minutes. (eg: 7 inches, 90 minutes)
The fads are meant to show a strong alliance of people against breast cancer and for a cure. They are intended to seem provocative (like the “I like it on the floor” fad last year), while not holding any sexual meaning in the long run.
I think it’s highly obnoxious that instead of looking upon the incredible amounts of posts made by women who are joining the fight beside us, you feel the need to complain about what’s IN the post.
Don’t like it? Hide the status. Facebook has an option for that.
Absolutely ridiculous, people.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been going out of my mind these last few days with all these FB posts and finally understand. And I would have NEVER guessed it was BC related!
I’ve received the message 5 different times about putting this as my status…and I refuse. I’m too aware of how many people can’t conceive easily (or at all) and I refuse to add to their hurt. I’m sorry you experienced this…
Tori, that’s complete and total BS. You really think that there isn’t a girl alive who doesn’t know about breast cancer at this point? It’s cliquey and its silly. You want to bring breast cancer to people’s minds? How about a simple “I got my mammogram today, when was your last? Get checked today!” You don’t get young people to think about cancer by thinking about their bra color. It’s bullshit. You tell a young woman to get a mammogram she’ll laugh it off. You tell a young person to ALWAYS wear their sunscreen, they shrug and say yeah, right. (my mom had skin cancer, and my grandfather). You tell people to get a colonoscopy and they say eeeeew gross. (my father died of colon cancer, at a young age I might add). There are a LOT of cancers that need awareness, playing silly games with a serious disease helps no one. And meanwhile, these status updates DO hurt people. No help and marginal awareness/ pain to infertile people. It sounds like a lose/lose to me. You want to raise awareness? TELL PEOPLE TO GET A MAMMOGRAM AND TO DO SELF EXAMS. Otherwise, shut up about it!
Lurker here. You are the best. Thanks.
Chickenpig, thank you. I, too, was upset at Tori’s comment but wasn’t sure how to respond.
you posted exactly what my friend and I were talking about yesterday! Thank you for writing about something that I was too mad to write about.
I had to blog about this very topic yesterday. What appalled me most of all was that I got the chain letter about it from an infertile friend who knows I’m infertile. And after I posted a scathing status update (courtesy of Elphaba at eggsandsperm.com), I had to joke to DH that that one status got more attention than everything I posted throughout NIAW. Thank you for this post.
I knew I could count on your response.
And here I thought I was the only one who had to deal with this and these feelings towards it. It honestly wasn’t until one of my mother’s close friends in her fifties announce her weeks and her craving did I realize that this must be some silly meme. Here I am, feeling stupid about being all emotional about a meme on facebook.
This could be considered a humbling experience though. Just when you thought you didn’t have any stupid friends, there you go. Wondering which ones of your friends are dumb? Just add Facebook.
Thank you for this. I about had a heart attack when I saw 3 relatives post this as status updates. I went all sorts of crazy and then saw an older relative, who is much *much* to old to be pregnant and I knew something was up.
We were discussing this at work and my coworker picked up her phone and called her husband and stated “she is not pregnant it was a Facebook thing” . We all laughed hysterically
I am currently making a post about this, and am adding resources for people to donate as well as blog posts that have been made regarding this same subject. If you want me to add you, shoot me an email at tigger62077 @ gmail and I will add when I get back home. Yay for using my blog as a soapbox!
Exactly!
Is awareness really what is missing? Is there anyone not aware that breast cancer is a real issue? I am tired of hearing about it, frankly. Keep you medical issues to yourself. Get your annual mammogram …breast cancer has a 93% survival rate with early detection, one of the highest survival cancer rates.
I went through this exact same thing a couple of days ago. My heart felt like it just stopped when I saw the status update and I tried to figure out why this person, who has always been so good about emailing me with any news she thought might be hard for me so I could process it appropriately and in my own time, would just drop this bomb.
Well, your blog post has cleared up quite a bit of confusion for me. I had a friend that put a post on facebook out there yesterday and I was really thinking the same things you described. It never occured to me that there might be an “awareness” campaign going on. Fortunately for me, she replied right back to my question and said it wasn’t what I thought. But I would have never connected “breast cancer” to her post…people come up with the weirdest ideas.
Thank you for writing beautifully what I was feeling. I just got the email asking me to post, and I wanted to post “I’m 24 weeks and craving ding dongs” because after 4 1/2 years of trying, 5 IUI’s, 1 confirmed and 2 suspected miscarriages, and 1 IVF, I finally have my baby growing in my belly, and well, I am kinda actually craving ding dongs.
However, out of respect for my IF friends on FB, those known and unknown, I have not made the “big announcement” about my pregnancy. I wanted to steal Elphaba’s status update, but something held me back. I haven’t officially decided on how to respond…
You put into words all of my feelings…thanks again…
WELL PUT!!! i was fooled by BethAnn’s status! Thank You.
Thank you!! I cried as I read your thought process after finding out you thought she might be pregnant. This was dumb, just plain dumb…maybe changing a profile shot to something pink and posting a link but come on….thank you again for your words.
im am amaized and greatfull that someone decided to put these words down for all to read. i have been blessed in the face that despite haivng many female problems in my family, (the woment are usually able to have atleast one, if not a secon child before they can nolonger have one), i like most women in my family, was able to give birth to a healthy baby. i do have a friend however, who had to make a diffucult choice and is unable to have biological children of her own. our friend posted her stat with weeks and cravings, and while she commented congrats, im sure yet another of her friends announcing a pregnancy hurt her a little. not because of what they were getting, but because of what she couldnt get. and shes always been wonderful with me, and loves my child, but im sure it hurts her a tiny bit inside never the less. i feel for the people who cant have one but want to, and while i dont belive anyone posting this “awareness” means harm, im sure it does cause some, as in your case mentioned above.. im posting a link to this on fb, hopeing more people will read this and stop and think about it. thankyou for writing this down, hopefully your words will open some eyes to infertility issues.
The way it was recognized this year with the “I’m _ weeks and I’m craving ___.” was a bit off and made no sense, but not in one of the messages did it say it had anything to do with pregnancy, people who didn’t receive messages just assumed it did. The number of weeks could have meant anything.
Although I didn’t get as upset about it, many of the same thoughts flew through my head when I read my friend’s status. And then I thought about it and employed Yahoo and found out what it was. I think these little memes are absurb and completely beside the point of what they’re supposed to be supporting. But, welcome to the world. People do silly, annoying stuff that they think is cute.
@Tori Leigh – these people who are following the fad are doing just that. They’re not joining the fight, and the only support they’re showing is that they think breast cancer is bad. I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t think that. Joining the fight and showing support would be money/time/research. Facebook memes contribute nothing to that. Raising awareness is not really necessary anymore. Raising money for cancer research is. Raising money for treatment for indigent people is. Addressing shortages in medication is. Why waste your time with a silly status update? I think it’s a bit demeaning to the whole idea.
@Shelby, ah but – weeks + cravings? How often do you say you are X weeks and craving something when you aren’t pregnant? I’m 2 weeks into the college semester and craving twinkies? Not likely. I’m 6 weeks into chemo treatment and cravings ding dongs? Not likely. Tell someone you are 8 weeks along and they’ll usually ask what you’re craving. It was designed specifically to make people ask “are you pregnant?” or “congratulations!” or some other inane thing, which makes the asker look like a fool.
ya know, thinking about this, and posting a link on my fb page made me think of something. i sent an message out to my fb girl friends, asking they do something that may really cause awareness. i thought i may shair it with everyone who reads this incase you may wanna do something simaler, or the same.
alrighty ladys. i read something, and it got me thinking (ouch that hurts!!)). fake pregnancy posts with weeks and craving? that really doesnt bring awareness to breast cancer, does it. well, lets do something that will. its plain and simple. easy and amost painless (unless your typing with a broken finger…then theres a lot of pain involved, but if you would just stop using that finger it would stop)) just put boobies in your status. something like save the tatas, i love boobies, breasts are awesome (just not breast is best, cuz thats breastfeeding and it may makes someone feel bad if the didnt/couldnt)), or i love my breasts, do you love yours, i dont care, whatever you wanna put that includes the lovely things guys stair at when they talk to us. and then, (this is the hard part)) comment on your status with this link http://nbcam.org/ . lets really make some awareness. if you want, send this to the guys, why keep them out of it., afterall, doesnt it affect our husbands, brothers, fathers, and sons too? and oftentimes, it a man who is one of the many helping a woman get through the diagosis and the threipy and finally the healing process. please please do this for me?! pritty please?? i think it would be good.
thank you tons. love you all.
@Tigger (nice name by the way): Like I said, if people want to assume that just by saying “I’m _ weeks and I’m craving ___.” that the person is pregnant, that’s their problem. They have no one to blame or any reason to get mad for the assumption they made other than themselves. For the people posting the statuses, they could have easily been saying, “I’m 9 weeks free of breast cancer and craving chicken.” It’s unlikely, but not impossible.
I agree that it has nothing to do with breast cancer and that keeping it a secret from guys solely for the purpose of being confusing was stupid, but that’s not the point of the chain letter. The point of it was for women to recognize breast cancer. It doesn’t matter if the posts were directly related to anything dealing with breast cancer, the women re-posting it recognized that breast cancer (or cancer in general) can happen to anyone and to be thankful that they’re breast cancer free or that they’ve beaten it.
The people complaining about it are over-thinking it and getting their panties (or bras) in a knot over something very trivial.
Beautifully written Mel, as usual. I had 2 friends post that status and had 2 nice long bathroom cries before I found out about this meme. Since I found out, I’ve been sharing posts on the subject and wrote my own “infertility awareness” status, twice. Let’s put it this way: If anybody on FB didn’t know I was an RPLer before, they certainly do now!
A-freaking-men! I do not suffer from infertility, but I find this to be the most ridiculous thing I have EVER seen. And it did occur to me how insensitive it is to those who have lost or can’t have babies. I’m seriously considering unfriending anyone who played this stupid game.
Good for you for speaking out!
Lol. The fact that so many people have freaked out about something as stupid as a chain letter is pathetic. Maybe you girls should get off of Facebook and get a life.
thank you so articulating this sp beautifully
@shelby: Perhaps you should get off the ALI sites and go to a site where you can join in the bashing of people who are perceived to be overly-sensitive. It affected us, we have the right to be upset. It’s not a chain letter, btw, it’s a meme. Similar, but different nonetheless.
Thank you for posting this. I had a similar reaction to an acquaintance’s participation in this. Really the last thing I wanted to see this week. There are so many diseases that people need to be aware of. Why this way for this one?
@Shelby, we have a life. And for most of us, its a life we struggle with everyday. If someone did something like this that made a negative impact on cancer (or any other mainstream issue that people get easily offended about) as this is putting a negative impact on pregnancy and making a joke out of pregnancy, people would be in an uproar. Former cancer patients (or other affected parties) would be out with pitchforks trying to track down the person who started it. Would you tell them to get a life?
Regardless, this is a group of people who are directly or indirectly affected by infertility. We are here as a support system for each other while we deal with these struggles. Sometimes the struggles are big, sometimes they are small. And even the smallest of things (such as a meme on facebook) could have a big affect on people suffering whether they are in the middle of treatments or just had a miscarriage. If this bugs you so much, you are free to ignore and move on. There is no need for insults or to insinuate that we spend too much time on facebook. You do your thing, and we will do ours.
Bravo!!!! When I first recieved this msg on facebook with the ‘game’ I didn’t partake because as you said, it brings no actual awareness or Good to the cause of breast cancer and in fact
I feel it makes light of a serious issue. It wasn’t until I read another article that I thought about the effects this ‘game’ must have on any friends I have with infertility issues. Having suffered a misscarriage before concieving my son I can relate to the pain of other’s joyful news and my heart goes out to all the women who’s hearts were stomped on once again.
ah Shelby, you’ve just proven how ignorant the general public is to infertility. Clearly a infertility awareness game needs to be started for close minded individuals such as yourself.
So THAT’S what that was about. I saw a post today from someone who is past the menopause and I was utterly bemused. So was everyone else who responded.
A good post, Mel! I wasn’t very keen on the “let’s pretend where your handbag is is where you shag” campaign either, and just ignored the e-mail I was sent about it. Tbh, they make me rather dubious about the organisations that promote these statuses as a way of preventing breast cancer.
But twibbons, chain statuses, Facebook groups and most Facebook based ‘activism’ is just vacuous shite. If you’re that bothered about something, use Facebook as a tool to organise and communicate a coherent message, not as an end in itself. Don’t pretend that just joining with an in-joke is helping. Just like groups that spring up after a major catastrophe that you’re meant to join to somehow help the people affected, but that don’t actually do anything.
I’m sort of shocked at Tori’s and Shelby’s comments. This is not even about infertility, really, despite the fact that it’s hurtful to the ALI community. It’s about a stupid way to raise awareness, which doesn’t help those not “in the know” to learn anything about breast cancer. I didn’t get the bra game, either. Why can’t we just TALK about breast cancer instead of pretending that it’s like a provocative FB meme?
@sushigirl, as far as several of us can tell, there are no organizations actually involved in these. Well, “organizations” being those who promote awareness for a professional reason and who raise money for research and the like. Obviously there is organization involved in the meme’s.
Well said. I really don’t understand the link between announcing your pregnant on FB and breast cancer – it’s just a ridiculous thing to do! Who thinks up this crap?
Thank you. I have had 2 miscarriages and am now dealing with IF myself. Ever may and october I deal with the emotions of the loss and now that I can’t seem to get pregnant again it makes it that much worse. I think the fact that I see a ton of real pregnancy announcements on FB is bad enough. The fake ones are like rubbing salt in an open wound. I glad someone spoke up about this.
So what if people were really pregnant? Should they have to not tell people and hide their happiness because they have friends who can’t have kids? Forget that. I had a friend who I had to go through that with and felt like I was never able to talk about how happy I was when she was around because I had to worry about hurting her feelings. If someone is a good friend they should just be happy for them. Maybe I should be upset because someone else drives a better car than me because I can’t afford one. Yes, I understand that it doesn’t directly relate to breast cancer but people are having fun. It is just a game. Obviously it IS working because it has all of you talking about it. How about you all stop being haters and get over your selves and do something positive instead of trying to bring down other peoples fun.
@Shelby – You really don’t understand the impact of seeing posts about pregnancy hundreds of times a day when the thing you want most at that moment is to be pregnant yourself. When you have watched and gone to about 10 baby showers for close friends and family in just one year knowing you are trying to conceive and are not successful month after month, then you can say that freaking about a chain letter is pathetic. I don’t see any of us “freaking out” we are just requesting a little consideration, respect, and thought before you post something. 10% is a lot. if you had 1000 people on your friend list that would mean about 100 of those people are dealing with some kind of infertility whether you know it or not. and not being able to conceive is not the only type of infertility. Miscarriages are just as painful if not more so. A close family friend got pregnant around the same time I did with my second. She came to most family events and after I miscarried it really hurt to see her get more and more pregnant and then after her son was born, everytime I saw him I thought I could have a child his age. It hurts. It hurts a lot. So maybe you should think before you type/speak. …….
Ok I’m going to get off my soap box now.
@michelle so the pain that you feel over not getting a new fancy car relates to the pain I feel every single time I get my period. Here’s a fact: most of us cannot get pregnant naturally. Most of us will have to pay more than the price of a fancy new car you want to be even able to have a chance at having a child naturally. Or to adopt once you factor in all your costs. Most of us don’t have that money. But our pain is matched to the pain you feel for wanting but not able to get a new fancy car.
Oh and BTW you missed the point completely. We deal silently with the sting of actual pregnancies but we push through it and do what we can to deal with it silently so our friends and loved ones aren’t burdened with it. What hurts is that people posted “pretend pregnancy announcements” and because we didn’t have the knowledge of this so called “fun game” we silently suffered and then many of us worked up the courage to be happy for these people only to be told that we were fooled. We felt like we were fooled over it. And on top of fooling people into congratulatory comments just to screw with people’s heads, it did absolutely nothing to promote the cause that it mentions in the original message sent to people that participated. if you really wanted to promote breast cancer research, there are many ways to do so that will actually get the message out there.
You should be the one to get off the high horse. People have the right to post what they want, but people also have the right to react how they want. If you don’t like how we are reacting, then why are you reading or commenting. You clearly have not suffered, nor do you support it so you presence here is questionable at best.
AMEN! I think someone else already said it above but it bears repeating: A MILLION TIMES YES! I wrote about it, too (but not as beautifully as you did!). There are always going to be people who don’t get it…I’m glad that I found people that do.
Ok, Kimberly. You said it exactly “People have the right to post what they want, but people also have the right to react how they want.” we ALL have things in our lives that are sad that we have to deal with. How about this. I have a son with autism. Every time one of my friends writes on Facebook about how proud they are of their child for something they have accomplished in school I don’t get “angry” at her or “upset” because my child may not ever have the same life experiences that their children will. Will he go to college? will he ever get to get married or experience the joys of being a parent like I have? I don’t know. We all “suffer” or deal with the things that life has dealt us but I don’t hate on other people who are fortunate enough to have things that I don’t. People can’t stop living their lives in order to make sure you and your feelings are ok. People did not post those updates to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad about yourself BUT every thing that you are saying here is with the intention of making other people feel bad about something that they thought they were doing for a good reason. yes, I thought it was silly too when I first saw it and I understand what you are saying but the point it that THAT”S LIFE. people are going to keep having babies even if it hurts your feelings and you have to just deal with it because you can’t change that. No one wants to make you feel bad. No one is trying to hurt your feelings. Stop making it personal because it is not. P.S. you are NOT dealing “silently” because you are all on here making everyone feel bad and complaining. Every time one of your friends tells you that she is pregnant and you pretend to be happy for her but you really aren’t she can see the look in your eyes. For those of you who have a 1000 Facebook friends then you probably do really need to get a life because I don’t you are really close friends with all 1000 of them and need to read their updates every day.
I actually flatly refused to post it when the invitation came. There was no way I would tell the world i was pregnant when i wasn’t. That’s a horrible thing to do to people in the first place. I recently got married, and my friends and family members are expecting little ones at any second. I get ATTACKED with “omygodareyoupregnantwhenareyoudue? when i mention anything having to do with babies. NO WAY am i telling people i’m pregnant when I’m not. it’s rude, it’s ludicrous, and really unfair to people.
Now, if guys did it,it would be funny as hell! lol
Aside from being especially hurtful to people dealing with infertility or baby loss, it is just rude to everyone IMO. I am past where pregnancy announcements give me pangs, but a pregnancy announcement can carry a lot of emotion for a multitude of reasons, because it is life changing and intimate news. Even if you are just on “facebook” terms to someone where finding out about a pregnancy is a-ok, I think it is rude to solicit attention and well wishes as a joke. That’s just the thin edge of the wedge, then you can upset people who assumed they’d share this kind of news in person, before the masses and in the first trimester!! The person I saw do it first has 6 kids and a husband who supposedly had the snip, I read it and thought, doubt it! So I didn’t comment because I thought it was an in-joke but it made me feel awkward to leave it hanging. I want to say Yay when someone has something good happen to them. Then I got the chain letter and saw it popping up in my feed and nice people expressing shock and congrats to people they trust and like, gives me a bad taste in my mouth. Tell me what you had for dinner or what you’re watching on telly or real news, don’t allude to life changing news to get a rise out of your friends!
I am so sorry you had to deal with those crappy feelings over a shitty meme Mel.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Michelle, I’m so sorry you were so inconvenienced by worrying about your friend’s feelings. Boy, it sounds especially selfish of her to expect that a friend would want to care about her and protect her from pain.
Sorry Mel, I’ll stop feeding the troll now.
What a great blog post. Thanks for saying everything I was feeling. I hate this game. The first time I saw it my heart dropped, because I actually thought this person was pregnant. This person with 5 children, no job, no husband, and no way to take care of the 5 she already has. Of course, I had a poor pitiful me moment and went slightly nutso. It was about a week later before I figured out it was a game (yeah, I was a little slow on that one!). Then I was just MAD. How dare they! Make a game out of being pregnant! Getting pregnant is not a game, not for me at least.
I haven’t read through all the comments to see if this has been addressed. But this meme strikes me as breathtakingly insensitive because young women who get breast cancer are often either left infertile by chemotherapy, advised by their doctors to never attempt pregnancy given the estrogen-breast cancer link, or are BRCA gene carriers and are counseled to have an oophorectomy to avoid the increased likelihood of ovarian cancer.
Sure, young, pre-childbearing years women are the least likely to get breast cancer. But they still get it. I personally know 3 women who were diagnosed between the ages of 25-30. And this meme makes me so, so angry on their behalf. It truly shows the absolute ignorance with which the people who thought this up have acted. They didn’t even bother researching this cause they claim to promote. Rawr.
Joining the chorus of appreciation for your expressing so well what so many of us are thinking in regards to this whole FB status/”Breast Cancer Awarenss” stuff. I wish people thought about these kinds of things more before they choose to participate and potentially upset people they care about, even if it is not intentional.
I also got a kick out of Lori’s comment, adding some comic relief to the intensity (though certainly warranted and worthwhile) of this thread!
Anyway, well said my friend. Thank you. xoxo
Thank you for the post and the comments. I agree that this particular Facebook trend is useless at best and incredibly painful at worst (and worst is what those of us who are infertile will feel ). I write this as a mom of four miracle kids, achieved through technology and after years and years of infertility, miscarriage and stillbirth . I still feel the ping associated with pregnancy news and I don’t mind if people treat me differently. Yes, I got pregnant, and I appreciate my kids like crazy, but I was not suddenly healed, nor am I fertile. Pregnancy is NOT a joke and should never be used to raise awareness for anything other than inferility.
I have not suffered from infertility, but as a mom who suffered through the neo-natal death at 5 days of my second child, I appreciate your apt description of what it is like to both be genuinely happy for others in your life as they move through their pregnancies and yet have to live each day with your experiences. Now, many years into raising my three healthy, living children, I experience both a heartbreaking drop in stomach when a younger friend tells me she’s pregnant (don’t you know what might happen?!!!) along with an understanding that I must keep my experience to myself for the duration. I also hated being a cautionary tale to my own age cohort of friends when we were having our babies, and often vacillated between being the caring friend and the bitch on wheels. As for the FB meme, given my age cohort, thankfully the only time I’ve seen it was when it was posted by the 16 year old son of a friend, where it obviously didnt make any sense and so i ignored it.
hey there,
i haven’t been following my usual haunts in the blogging world as much as i used to. i just wanted to tell you about my little story about the facebook breast cancer announcements. my mother-in-law had breast cancer and had a mastectemy, so it feels like a very serious issue that no facebook status updates could ever have anything to do with. but, i saw the little silly messages, got the mail about the little trick on the world, and felt a little pang. see, i was recently pregnant again–secretly. hubby and i did what everybody else seems to be able to easily do. we tried to conceive (for more than a few months, yes, but still) and we found out one day we were pregnant. but we didn’t tell anybody because we know that there are no guarantees and we weren’t ready. and before we got to tell anybody our good news, i lost the baby. seeing the little ghosts of congratulations to my (very obviously fake, given that my “weeks” were three) “pregnancy” felt so good. it was like i was getting to see congratulations to the pregnancy that i never got to announce, without having to tell anyone the sad story of losing it. i know that’s a selfish thing, but it’s facebook and i feel like its sole purpose seems to be making people feel bad, mostly inadvertently, so even going to that site i feel like i have to know anything i see could easily hurt me. anyway i just wanted to tell you a little story about someone who did get some weird, perverse joy out of announcing a fake pregnancy. ahh, the joys of facebook…
People shouldn’t post fake messages on Facebook because you might get paranoid, lock yourself in a bathroom and cry? That sounds more like your own personal issue, and not the issue of the person who posted the message. If you’re having that much trouble accepting your own infertility, see a therapist. We don’t all have to have children. By October of this year (one month from now), there will be eight billion people on this planet, and we will have to figure out how to feed all of them. If 10% of all people worldwide are infertile, I do not see this as a problem. Your suffering over your own inability to have a natural childbirth pales in comparison to the suffering of all of the newly born people who will only ever know starvation and abject poverty.
I just actually laughed out loud at Chris’ post . I bet the starving millions in developing countries are really grateful that an anonymous internet commentator has their backs!
Wow, I’m glad to see the meanie-losers who care more about a game than real people, or cancer awareness for that matter, have visited your blog, too. I know I am in good company!
How anyone – infertile or not – could think it was a good idea to post a status message that makes others think you’re pregnant.. I just can’t understand it. I can see how people would do it from peer pressure, or from feeling (when reading the message that goes with the game) that not posting somehow means they aren’t “spreading awareness.”
But how anyone can defend it, after thinking about it for more than five minutes? Blows the mind. :p
I, too, am sick of the “games” that are supposed to promote breast cancer awareness. Add to that the infertile side of me, and I just want to blow up. Rather than lose it on FB, I decided to post the following status update, along with a link to http://www.breastcancer.org.
Breast Cancer awareness deserves MUCH more than just a silly, cryptic game on FB. After losing my grandmother and some friends to breast cancer, I am instead choosing to post a link of how to give yourself a breast self-exam. Women in their 20s should begin giving themselves monthly exams, which can increase your chances of early detection. Spreading awareness is more about arming yourself with knowledge and sharing it with those around you.
Very well said Mel. The first one I saw was actually from someone that I know had tried IVF at least once. I was actually kind of excited for her. Then I saw another one a few minutes later that was from someone who had a baby about 6 months old and it seemed unlikely. Not impossible but unlikely. Plus two posts similarly worded etc.
I will say though that I agree that it doesn’t really do much to bring focus to breast cancer.
Ugh. I didn’t know that people did things like this (I’m among the last FB holdouts in the world). How disheartening! Thanks for the thoughtful post, which will hopefully raise more awareness than those status updates ever could.
I just posted this to my status:
I am starting a new FB campaign and you don’t need an invite to be a part of it. If you know of someone who would be a wonderful mom, but is struggling to bring her baby into her arms, stop and say a prayer for her. Then, repost this in your status. Don’t forget to private message your friend(s) to let her you know you care. In the comments, let us know how many friends you are thinking of (no names, please), to remind others that they are not alone.
Just wrote a blog post as well.
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com/?p=1735
I am sitting here astonished at the posts. I went through some infertility for a while too. That didn’t make me insensitive or over sensitive. I am happy for friends that get pregnant and supportive of friends going through IVF or treatments. I don’t let little things bother me as they just bring you down and make the negativity you feel spew out on others (as evidence by a few of the posts) and does not help anyone. My sister had 2 kids and was beaten by her husband almost every night. Would that be better? To have the kids so your “womb” was complete but have your body in pain every night? Maybe you should be grateful that you are here, you have a good supportive family and husband and try for a minute to be sensitive to others (not just the ones dealing with infertility). It was a GAME…just a game! Was not intended to hurt anyone…breast cancer survivors, people dealing with infertility or anyone else. Nobody said “hey lets bet insensitive and post a game to hurt people”. It was for FUN…remember FUN..when you could LAUGH and be happy. Maybe that should be step 1 for you…try to laugh every day instead of focusing on the WRONG in your life. God didn’t punish you on purpose! My infertility was ALL STRESS…yes..STRESS…my life, my job and a move far away from family. Once that was resolved I was able to get pregnant. For some there are other more serious medical conditions that cause infertility. Is it MY fault? Your friend that played the game? Your family? You can choose to spend all your life unhappy thinking the only thing that will ever make you happy is a BABY or you can focus on living. I hate groups like this that put a bunch of people with the same issue together just to have regular gripe sessions that remind you that you are still not pregnant. I would think this group’s daily reminders about not being pregnant are much worse than any facebook message, or questioning family member.
@Grateful, if you hate them so much…why are you here?
I joined a while back because I thought it would be a group of women supporting each other..not everyone jumping on the PITY ME party. I thought having gone through some of the infertility it would be nice to help people. Guess this group is not about helping each other. Will you turn on the the women here and post your fake “congratulations” to them when they get pregnant all the while posting how much you hate them for being able to get pregnant to all your friends? SAD SAD SAD!!!!
Tigger…glad you missed the entire point of my post!!
@Grateful, I didn’t miss it. I just didn’t agree with you, and I do try not to engage in drama…especially on such a wonderful site as Mel’s. I was just curious as to why you would join a group that you hate, and then continue to stay here? You miss the entire point of the ALI group…which is not to throw pity party’s, but rather to gather for support. It’s supposed to be a safe place for us to let our feelings out and get support from others who understand where we are and what we’ve been through. Then again, I’m pretty sure all of us would love to NOT be members of such a group either.
Yes Tigger..I can see how supportive of people you are and how you do not engage in drama….
Tigger { 09.03.11 at 7:48 pm }
@shelby: Perhaps you should get off the ALI sites and go to a site where you can join in the bashing of people who are perceived to be overly-sensitive. It affected us, we have the right to be upset. It’s not a chain letter, btw, it’s a meme. Similar, but different nonetheless.
Spot on as always, Mel. Wanted to let you know I linked to your post in my post about this today.
Also, I’m trying to spread the word to get people to post this as their status:
I’m 0 weeks and craving a baby. What does this have to do with breast cancer? Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the US alone – like me – and it’s a very real side effect for cancer patients. If you or someone you love has been touched by cancer or infertility – or both – check out Fertile Hope and make a real difference by contributing today: http://bit.ly/odomMY
Not all people on FB do this for awareness, they do if for fun and not to intentionally hurt other people’s feelings. Cancer and infertility are serious things, I agree, but remember not to take everything on FB as serious or true. If you really want to know what your friends are doing or if they are pregnant, ask them in person. Don’t assume what they put on FB is true. Sadly, this is the downfall of social networks.
I had the same happen with me. A good friend that used to live next door now lives 45 mins away and had talked to me on our last date that her boyfriend and her were talking about trying. Than this status came up and I felt hurt that this is how I would be told. I know we didn’t see each other like we once did. I sat there counting back the last time I’d seen her. Finally, I just posted WHAT!!?? She immediately texted me about it and told me I’d be informed way ahead of Facebook time. I don’t do those status E-mail mass things, actually I just delete them like spam. But some people enjoy them and forwards. I just wish the Creator of this one had put some thought behind it.
Hi. While I can try to sympathize with your feelings, may I also suggest that there is a lot of negative time being wasted on trying to figure out other people’s actions and words. All you can do is be your best self and let everyone else be what they think is their best self. If posting a link that takes people to information on breast cancer is your thing, then more power to you – you might save a life. If someone, who might have been having a worse day/life than you got a chuckle out of the ‘pregnancy’ posts then cheers to them. Time is much better spent and life is much better lived not worrying about other people’s actions and words – even mine! I hope you try to enjoy life more and not lose time on such silliness. ♥
I also had problems with it… having a fourteen year old and her friends posting with this. I had glanced at the whole thing and not wanting to waste time with it, did not give it a second thought. Until it showed up on her status and my father, finding totally inappropriate, gave me a swift call. Since it had slipped thro my screenings. I, having beat cancer (Non-hodgkins Lymphoma) and loosing my mother to double breast cancer, did not see the point to this. I have been a grass roots lobbyist for ACS and volunteered for many years in other capacities for them. So I am aware of how to get the public to “think” or be aware. I don’t think this was thought through.
First, I cant have read all these posts, but as a male – I also agree with and sympathezize wit h your thoughts – thankyou … it is very frustrating when others have no comprehension of your situation. And feelings
i have been hearing about this all week and it just saddens me that so many of my friends and acquaintances had to deal with one more tiny shock of pain in their day than the normal amount. i am not saddened every time i hear a pregnancy announcement or a belly, my triggers seem to be words like “twins, 20 weeks, anatomy scan…” the list goes on. i will say that i have an irrational pang when i see or hear random things at times, and this game sounds like i would have gotten stuck in my craw. ive been off FB for 2 years though, and never looked back. i wonder how many IF girls are out there like me, who just can’t deal with the overall fact that everyone gets to move on – it really (irrationally) feels like everyone but me. and that’s why i can’t be on FB. not bc of your belly, not bc of your smiling 2 year old, not bc of dance recital pics or graduations or milestones. simply bc i feel left behind by almost everyone ive ever known.
I was so disgusted by this “game”. It is pointless. But you know what’s almost as fun? Having these ridiculous commenters come to a website, about infertility, to call us petty and selfish. Seriously. Lame.
I didn’t have the same reaction, since my first friend who posted it was over 50 and clearly not pregnant. I chose not to post it for many of the same reasons you mentioned – and because I was worried someone might misunderstand. I think it would be nice if women who had mammograms wrote something positive about their experience (e.g., relief, that it wasn’t as bad as they expected, etc.) I had been hesitating to have my first mammogram (recommended here after age 40) until I suddenly had lumps in my breast and had to go for an emergency scan. I went expecting it to hurt terribly. So much so, that at some point I asked the technician when the painful part was and she said she was almost done… And yes, I felt incredible relief, because although the statistics for breast cancer are 1 in 8 or so, what I had was actually a disease diagnosed only about 400 times in the past 60 years – possibly so rarely diagnosed simply because women are afraid to go in for testing because we’ve been set up to fear the pain.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago at the age of 31. I was Nursing my 13 month old daughter at the time and had to stop to undergo treatment. – Surgery, Chemo and radiation. Chemotherapy triggers a chemical menopause that may or may not reverse itself. Some women are left unable to conceive. Especially if their cancer was hormone responsive which often results in years of hormone therapy. I was lucky and my cancer was triple negative so no hormone therapy, and the menopause did reverse itself, but there was always a chance I would need help to get pregnant again. My husband and I had already decided to stop at one, but recently found out that we are expecting again. My mother cried when we told her, as did both of my sisters. It had been generally accepted in the family that we were not going to be able to have another. I have had this facebook “game” sent to me twice in the last two days. When I got the first one I felt the need to respond. The reaction to my issues with the game have pretty much been to tell me to lighten up, and the most recent one told me to “shut my effing yap” and “get over it.” I feel ashamed that I can go through so much and then the words of a complete stranger leave me in tears.
I’m not reading the comments. But this is the first I’ve heard about this meme here. FUCKING LUDICROUS. Stupidest thing ever. I would feel like I had been taken for a fool. I would feel sad, knowing I should be happy. Then it’s all just a cutesy meme not meant to hurt anyone?
Give me a break. I’m a recovering heroin addict. If anyone did some kind of meme about “let’s pretend we’re entering rehab to raise awareness of breast cancer” I would seriously go mental. MENTAL.
I find these posts very offensive. It does nothing to make me aware of breast cancer. A pink ribbon would make more sense. You’re NOT pregnant and I will never be. INFERTILITY…that’s what your post reminds me of. THX
Wonderful post Miss Mel. I just flicked on by the email regarding this because it bugged me. You’ve just said everything I wish I could have said.
You know what? All I can think of right now is that my best friend just called me to tell me she has metastatic breast cancer.
She’ll be forty next month. Her boys are 5 and 7. She will likely die before they marry — find love, come into adulthood. Cancer will kill her, is killing her. No fucking FB post needs to raise my awareness — and this trivial shit is just that — trivial.
You know what would be wonderful? If people could tend their own gardens, weed all of the junk out of their own psyches that causes the ugliness you see cropping up here.
I have to admit I read through the first time and wanted to fight back — largely because I am infertile — I can’t have another child — it was so deeply painful and wrenching to go through what I did — and I was damned lucky — and that’s all it was — lucky — to have had IVF work for me — but to see comment threads unfold that seem to echo all the dismissive attitudes towards this disease — that I thought I’d gotten over… well. I had to take a step back. I was angry and that anger was about me feeling as if the other person didn’t ‘see’ me.
Mel you are one of the most thoughtful writers I know on the internet — fair and aware of your own biases — careful to admit them — quick to own up to them. And you have a great sense of integrity — and to top it all off — you are a damn fine writer.
The end.
XO
Pam
Pam, my heart goes out to you. My mom had her own battle with breast cancer, as well as a second scare, and then ovarian cancer (which came back as abdominal cancer) which she eventually lost. But it was 5 years from the time she was dx’d with the breast cancer before she lost that battle…and it wasn’t the breast cancer that did it. My heart goes out to you as you support your friend, and my thoughts will stay on the two of you in the hopes that she becomes one of the survivors. One that will get to live to see her children grow up, and become parents their own selves.
And while it’s hard to find a lot to be happy about, mom always used to tell me that laughter was the best medicine when she had breast cancer. She said she saw lots of other cancer patients while she was getting treatments, and the ones who seemed to fair the best were the ones who could keep their sense of humor.
“You may see us in the carpool line at school (yes, you can have a child and be infertile, it’s called secondary infertility) or alone at the supermarket.”
It’s also called adoption.
Grow some balls Ladies… its a stupid game… sorry it hurt your feelings… Get over it…. they will always have stupid games to somehow promote breast cancer awareness or whatever else have you that you have no idea how it is helping the cause like what color your bra is or your shoe size followed by inches and a sad face or where you like to put your purse and now how many weeks you are and what your craving… though it does suggest you may be pregnant it could also suggest that you are 14 weeks clean from drugs, or ciggaretts and what you happen to be craving… but nobody ever thinks of that they just jump to the conclusion your pregnant and that everyone who posts it is pretending to be… Its facebook and if your a grown woman and crying about someones status I suggest you get rid of facebook
I have been reading many posts/status’/tweets/articles on this subject over the last few days and after reading through all of the previous comments on this post, well, it just saddens me. I’ve read the angry/sad/hurt infertile’s view, the survivor’s view, the fertile/never want kids view, and everything in between. When society, as a whole, has turned into weenies as far as watching what you say as so not to hurt or offend anyone…well, why is it that the infertile community can not stand up for themselves as well? It wasn’t long ago that breast cancer was not talked about as widely. I mean, I can not imagine my grandmother saying the word “breast” much less talking to me about how to give a self exam. She survived breast cancer, thankfully. Then there is homosexuality. There was a time when even the word brought about gasps, and still to this day it struggles to be heard. I may not agree with that lifestyle, but it doesn’t mean that I would do anything to deliberately hurt my friends who live that way.
I say this because, this community is a safe haven for so many and for those of you who come here to degrade people (from all walks of life) for their feelings…shame on you. I know that the people posting these FB memes are not trying to purposefully hurt infertile people or people that have dealt with (or currently dealing with) cancer of any sort. I understand that some posted feeling they were helping spread awareness (even though it did nothing of the sort). I understand that others merely wanted to feel the “girl power” with their pals by posting. I did not spout off to my friends who chose to post it. I did not tell them to “get a life” or “get off facebook” or something else that hateful. I simply posted what I thought of it and gave a link to a post that would explain how it was hurtful.
I would think that in this day and age when everyone is so aware of causes, diseases, poverty, etc., that we would learn to not only tolerate those that are different, but to also embrace them and learn from them. While I think there are many ppl even in the infertile world who say hateful things (out of anger and bitterness), there are many who handle themselves every day in the best way they know how. When will we figure out that this world is bad enough on its own, and nothing will ever change until we take the time to stop looking at ourselves and see others for who they are? When we can start viewing differences as opportunities to grow, then and only then will be able to truly see lives change and be able to live with each other.
I started blogging years ago and Mel’s blog was one of the first I read. Over time I have seen so many women (and men) come and go. At the beginning I believe it truly was a “silent community” and felt solace in my co-harts. As time has passed, I believe the ALI community has not only grown (as in, more ppl learning of us) but also strengthened. More of us are willing to open up and educate others. We are learning from each other by being here. What do we learn? Well, some of you negative-nelly’s here would think we’ve only learned how to complain and put others down. Which means you’re missing the point completely. We’ve learned we are not alone, we aren’t the only ones feeling the side effects of infertility, and in return we learn how to support others.
You see, IF taught me how not to only support other IF’ers, but also how to listen to others that are different from me…to see that just b/c I don’t understand something, doesn’t mean I can’t…to offer encouragement and a listening ear to my family and friends no matter what they are dealing with: disease, divorce, job loss, etc. Infertility has taught me to be a better person and friend to those who need it.
So, whenever I saw this meme, and then read these hateful comments in here bashing those who were hurt over a game…then yes, it makes me angry and defensive. Not because *I* was hurt by the game…but b/c it reminds me of being in elementary school and all the cool kids hang out together, playing games and leaving out those who don’t have the latest clothes or gadgets. What about the childhood games that kids play? You know, the ones when a child ends up killing themselves b/c they took seriously what other kids were “just joking” about? I have been through infertility, I’ve lost a baby, I now have a toddler, and I am now facing secondary infertility. I am a momma bear when it comes to my kid. I will never put up with people being hateful to him, picking on him, or putting him down.
This is how I feel about the ALI community. I am protective of them, and whenever one of them is hurt, I will defend, protect, and stand beside them. If you came to this site bashing any of them for feeling the way that they do, then shame on you. Someone posted about how they’ve been through certain things that were hard but didn’t cry in a corner (or whatever the comparison was) whenever they saw ppl post about their successes. My question is this, did you have ppl support you in your time of need? Did you find that there were days when enough was enough and you just couldn’t take it anymore? Were there ever times when you needed a moment to just scream and wondered if anyone cared if you did?
The posts of the meme weren’t meant to hurt, and they were made with the knowledge that ppl would think they were pregnant (so don’t go using the excuse that if ppl assumed that then it was their own fault. we’re all adults here, grow up). I would never want to post something to hurt my family and friends in that type of environment. It’s a respect thing. Perhaps ppl come here and complain a lot. It’s probably b/c they feel they have no one else IRL to talk to that wouldn’t judge them.
This all goes beyond infertility and cancer, in my opinion. It’s about caring for each other. And by each other, I mean people. It’s more than common courtesy. It’s a personal decision to take a step outside of your own world and help someone else. Be a friend. Be educated. Make a difference.
I’m proud to be a part of this community. We are strong. We are making progress. If there were a silver lining to this whole stupid FB game, I would say that at least we have educated others and made them more aware for the future. Perhaps when the next meme comes around my family and friends will think twice about who will be reading it. It’s about being thoughtful and caring. Obviously, there are ppl out there who are too busy being tr0lls and judging than to take the time to understand and do something to change how we treat each other. There are other ways to have fun on social networking sites without bring others down in the process.
Sorry for being so long-winded, Mel:-)
I felt so validated to have read Mel’s eloquently written post about this senseless FB meme…
Then, unfortunately, I read some of the troll responses. I’m not sure why (1) these people who are so quick to kick women who are already down are even on this site (2) where the issue got lost in translation. All IFs are incessantly dealing with other women around them announcing their pregnancies and we are nothing but happy for them. Unfortunately, most of us have accepted that many of the women we know (and maybe even the girls) will be pregnant before we are, and we know that as hard as that is, it is part of our journey. We are here to give support to each other in order to cope with this reality. Yes, sometimes this may seem like a pity party, but this is our place to vent. And yes, adoption is a great option to build a family, however, it is extremely expensive and takes years. Most of us have had enough heart break throughout our IF journeys and the idea of going through the process of adoption and having it fall through would be unbearable.
I think the point that we all feel (and Mel’s point) about this FB meme is that it really raises no awareness for BC and inadvertently is hurtful to IFs. I know I would much rather see a post reminding women to do self breast exams or donate to BC organizations than a game about pretend pregnancies.
So in the end, if you understand nothing else, maybe you can understand this. IFs have to deal with real pregnancies every day, and we do so with as much grace as we can. You don’t have to deal with IF, so you don’t get to comment on how we deal with it.
xoxo
Wow, Tati! That was well-written, and well-thought-out. Thank you, for putting it into perspective for me, as well as probably some others. I agree with the lessons taught by IF – it has made me become more of the compassionate person I USED to be when I was younger. I just have less tolerance for some antics than I used to, and that is something I should probably work on.
Thank you for showing me that it is possible to be well-spoken and still defend others like a “mama bear”.
Thank you, Tigger. That really means a lot:-)
Just reposted your entry on PFM blog. Thank you for writing
I saw it as the status update for a 17-year old girl who happens to be Latina and has had several friends that have had babies. She and I have talked about how important for her future it is that she choose a different path, so my heart truly ached.
It’s stupid on many levels.
I am so sorry you have struggled with infertility, and I’m so sorry for those who have hurt you with their horribly insensitive comments.
I can’t stand those memes either, and you did such an awesome job of explaining exactly what I don’t like about them.
Thank you!
This is such a bizarre way to “support” a cause. Truly bizarre.
Wow, I am so glad that I have boycotted the facepage because man this would have been the icing on an already shit-filled cake. So dumb. And yet now I am curious because several months back BEFORE I quit the social media site a friend of mine said she was pregnant. And then she said nothing about it again. Then she started posting pictures of the fruity alcoholic beverages she was consuming and now I’m just not sure if she was ever pregnant to begin. Can we say confusing? I don’t get it, but I’m glad to have read this so if by chance I log on due to a relapse I won’t have a complete psychotic meltdown.
Thanks for this post. I’ve been struggling with this for a few weeks now and I just found out that a good friend was diagnosed with a particularly scary form of breast cancer this past week. This makes the second friend diagnosed this summer! So, today, I posted the following on Facebook:
I will not be listing my shoe size or pretending to be pregnant to raise awareness for breast cancer. Neither of those makes sense. Also, what doesn’t make sense is that two of my friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer this summer. I encourage my female friends to do breast self exams and go to the doctor if you feel anything suspicious. For more information, follow the link.
Oh, the link went to: http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/BreastCancer/index?gclid=CJKN2_bWiKsCFQVN4Aod-EcX5Q
Well put. I’m sorry you were exposed to such insensitive posts and I hope that awareness DOES come from this. And sensitive and respectful people, at that. Thank you for sharing.
I got home on Friday to a very upset husband b/c his sister had posted that she wsa 12 weeks and craving cherry jello. I told him that it was probably one of those posts “like the one where everyone posted their bra size” and not to worry about it. He had to go out and then I started watching FB every few minutes to make sure, hoping someone would ask. She finally confirmed that I was right.
She does not know what we are going through with IF. I do not think that the people who post those kinds of things think that they will hurt anyone. Most people who don’t have IF don’t think about it. The thought never occurs to them. But, I think that being pregnant is not something to joke about, whether or not you think about IF. My husband was so upset to think that his only sister would post her pregnancy on FB before calling and telling him. I agree that it didn’t raise awareness for anything because I couldn’t even remember what the “what size is your bra” posts were about. I agree that if they want to raise awareness, a link would be beneficial.
I’ve been on vacation so I’m just catching up on posts I’ve missed and though I know I’m late to the game, I just wanted to mention Susan Niebur’s haunting story of her reaction to the Facebook meme when it first appeared last year (with the bra color). Here’s a link:
http://bit.ly/nBe9hD
She read it as part of the BlogHer Voices last year and there are few days that go by that I don’t think of her message, her delivery, her story. I actually participated in the bra color meme and felt like the most colossal shit head for doing so after I heard her speak – as a breast cancer survivor – of the pain it caused her and others fighting the battle.
When I saw the meme resurface this year, I immediately thought of Susan and her post. Now, I’m kicking myself for not posting a link to the post in my feed.
@Chris: Are you volunteering to be infertile? Please. Take my place.
I’m a 52 year old Infertility Survivor … and it STILL stings! Not that I even want to get pregnant by this point in my life … just the unfairness of it all. Anyway … thank you for saying, beautifully, so much of what I have felt as I saw those FB statuses over the past week or so. Thank you and amen!
I am infertile. I have no children. I did not post the Facebook status report because I, too, shied away from that pain. That said, this stunt was thought up by the Breast Cancer Awareness Association. I do not think it is fair to lambaste the women who went along with the campaign. I am certain none of them did it with the intent to hurt me, you or anyone else. Most of them actually thought they were helping in the fight against breast cancer.
I think using the faux pas as a stepping stone for raising infertility awareness was an excellent way to redeem a bad situation, but jumping to the conclusion that it was started as a fun game is erroneous. Please make the Breast Cancer Awareness Society people aware of this post so they will exercise a little more care in their monthly campaign.
I haven’t seen that one yet on FB, but it probably would have driven me crazy too. Your response is amazing. I wish I could get every one of my friends and acquaintances to read your post.
So, I guess this goes back to, we need to sensor what we say for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings????
@Charlene, can you provide a link that shows this was thought up by the Breast Cancer Awareness Association? Everything I’ve seen, read, and researched says it is not so.
I was just on FB and received saw this message as another non-IF friend’s post. It is from someone who has actually had breast cancer and I think it’s powerful.
I’m not pregnant, nor am I craving anything but let me tell you about breast cancer. When your doctor tells you he thinks you might have a malignant lump and he wants to do a biopsy, it’s the scariest thing anyone will ever say to you and it will bring you to your knees. Even if you don’t believe in God, you will pray.
And after the biopsy when they tell you it is cancer, you’ll schedule your blood work and procedures in a haze. It feels like a dream…no, like a nightmare. A nightmare you can’t wake up from. And then after your mass is removed and you are healing up, you’ll look down at your bust line and feel angry that you’ll never fill out a shirt the same way again. And then comes the radiation and the chemo. And your hair falls out and you’re exhausted and you puke like it’s a second job and seriously consider getting return address labels made up that say you live in the bathroom because you always seem to end up there, retching even when there is nothing to come up.
After all is said and done, if you’re lucky, your doctor will tell you that you now have a clean bill of health, all of the cancer is gone. Then you’ll set out trying to put your life back together, with one breast. Eventually you might choose reconstruction. You’ll revel in your new, glorious rack. With time, you stop hating the scars. You start to regard them as badges of honor and you stop thinking of yourself as a cancer patient, but as a cancer survivor.
And then 15 years later, some jackhole will send out an inane email about “raising breast cancer awareness” by posting some completely irrelevant crap as your Facebook status and you will Lose. Your. Shit.
I found my lump by doing regular self exams, and if you are so unfortunate to suffer the same illness that’s probably how you’ll find yours too. So instead of changing your status to raise awareness, how about you raise your own actual awareness by doing a self exam and knowing your own family history. It can save your life.
Amen. It’s hard for us girls to gather up the courage to face ANOTHER pregnant girlfriend… not to mention a fake one.
@Kim, wow! If that friend is near you, give her a hug for me! She made me smile.
My eyes are full of tears. Not unusual for someone with 4 ivf treatments and a twin miscarriage under her belt, but for once it’s not because I’m sad. I’ve tears in my eyes because for the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel so alone.
Thank you. x
I did play this game not cause I thought it was raising awareness cause I am not stupid. But because I thought it was fun. If I would have came here first I wouldnt have. It was not meant to hurt anyone. I know the pain of watching those close to me have babies. I am not infertile I have a 3 year old and a 15 months old I conceived easy with both of them. But my 15 month old needs a heart transplant has been in the hospital 14 months I am hurt and jealous of friends with healthy kids that can breast feed and have there babies at home I sit in a hospital room day after day with a baby that is just learning to eat he has been tube fed his whole life doesn’t sit up or talk its painful that I missed “having a baby” and don’t know if I will ever have the opportunity to have another. He has a lot of care I just don’t have time to think about it and what if another one was born with the same chd?? I don’t usually spread “cancer awareness” because more babies die from chd every year then all child hood cancers combined yet only a fraction of a penny goes to chd research.
I scratched my head over the coy references, thought at first it was about time since last cigarette. Then I was shocked to discover what it really meant. Thank you so much for your wonderful blog, and for the fantastic responses to it!
Amen! I went through the same roller coaster of emotions and thought the same sort of things when I saw those statuses. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing and posting this.
What the hell – I’ll throw in. One of my oldest, dearest friends died 3 years ago of breast cancer. As a matter of fact, I took care of her in the last 3 weeks of her life (as in fed her, toileted her, and rubbed lotion into her swollen legs), flew back home and came back a week later, cause she fucking died. Can’t say a fucking nonsensical “awareness” campaign on FB helped one little bit. And I’m glad I never saw it, cause I would have had something not so lovely to comment about it. But hey, free speech is free speech, no matter who it hurts, but people do have the right to fight back with the same free speech. FB that!
Fucking RIDICULOUS! Are you KIDDING ME!? Alright, ya’ll. Listen up.
If it seriously pisses you off THAT FUCKING BADLY, here’s how to cope.
1) Go to your facebook news feed.
2) Find the offending post.
3) Click the ‘X’ to the upper right of the post.
4) Select the ‘Hide This Post’ option.
Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!
Ya’ll wanna sit here and bitch and complain and say I’m such an awful person for “not understanding.” Yet, I’m infertile as well. You will never see me bitching about this. Hell, I myself POSTED one of the little fuckers.
I find it absolutely pointless of every single one of you to sit here and wallow in self pity. How juvenile.
@Tori: I don’t understand what you’re so upset about. Why is it that Mel (and those of us who agree with her) is a bad person for expressing her feelings about something in an environment which she designed for exactly that purpose? It’s fine if you don’t understand or agree, but I’m not sure I understand why it is that you (and several other commenters) are freaking out?
As for it being juvenile to have sad feelings about something and expressing it…I’m honestly a little stumped. Seems to me whether it’s infertility or some other tragedy in our lives, every single one of us has felt angry or jealous or hurt by the words and actions of others. Only the mature and healthy individuals get those feelings off their chest so that they can deal with them.
We’re all entitled to our own feelings.
Some of us are just a little more productive and thoughtful about expressing them.
Myndi – May I join you on the confusion couch?
Tori – Instead of shouting and swearing, can you please explain why you feel so affronted by Mel’s post and the subsequent comments? It is not clear from your comments to this thread why exactly you are so bothered. I’ll confess to a bit of gaper’s awe when I see someone getting so emotional in a comment thread.
@ Tori,
I find it most surprising that you are offering suggestions to hide posts on personal facebook pages, but went out of your way to read and post to this blog. Since you are offering suggestions for coping with facebook, here are mine for coping with blogs:
1) Go to your address feed.
2) Find anything else on the internet but Stirrup Queens
3) Click the “enter/return” key.
4) Read anything but this blog.
Hope that helps. Also, clean your language.
@Myndi & @Stephanie
My infuriation is not at Mel, or really at the infertile/sterile/what you may wish to entitle it community.
I too have dealt with this issue. I can’t have children. But I’m not going to throw a hissy fit any time someone posts a comment/status I don’t like. I hide it. I think it highly obnoxious that an entire community of women decide to sit here and whine about what people on facebook are doing. You can sit there behind your screen and say that they need to be out there donating to your cause, and this and that…. but you’re no better off than they are for the status. THEY aren’t making a difference one way or the other, and neither are you. If you’re truly so deeply cut to the core by these statuses, hide them for the 2 weeks that they show up, and DO SOMETHING.
@PipSqueak
FuckFuckFuckFuckFUCK.
Do NOT tell me to clean up my language. I’m a fully grown woman, and don’t need to follow your instructions. I am absolutely infuriated beyond words at the utter hypocrisy going on here.
ALSO, @DeathStar
I commend you for your response. That’s how people should be handling this. Free speech is free speech. If it upsets you, you have every right to be upset/comment. No one is attacking you, nor are they mocking you. And I agree, having been through the breast cancer issue with my own friends/family, and having myself been declared sterile, that it can be a bit disheartening. But it’s not the people being upset that have me so frustrated. It’s the hypocrisy of…
“OH, you shouldn’t post that. It hurts my feelings. You wanna allign with us? You should donate to a cure and go to rallies and blah blah blah….”
Well, here’s the flipside. You wanna say that this “trend” is so hurtful? Get out there and protest it. Not that it’d do much good, as we mentioned, because free speech is FREE… but sitting behind your computer and whining does no more good than posting the status in the first place.
I think anyone who was in an Uproar over this is completely off base. The time it took to write this, perhaps could have been spent helping someone with no coats for the winter, or securing a kids meal / gift for the holidays. People need to stop taking things personally. Everyone at any given time in History, has something to gripe about, many don’t. SO why start now? Big flippin deal if you felt slighted because you can’t have kids. Simply put. ADOPT get kids out of the failure of not having a loving caring family for them. tout religion for answers.. why not think about it, if you cant conceive dont cry about it to a being that may or may not be there. take action and give your love to someone in need.
Leave a Comment