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Completion

Josh left this fantastic comment on the blogoversary post which a lot of people commented about.  Yes, my husband reads my blog.  Every once in a while, he comments.  Sometimes he will bring up a post over dinner.  But most of the time, it’s just this small comfort to know that he is quietly out there, noting my words, and we don’t need to talk about it.

I know some people keep their blog from their partner because it’s their space, a private swatch of the Internet where they can place their thoughts.  But I have such oral diarrhea about my feelings that I feel the opposite — I wouldn’t want to write this space if Josh wasn’t reading it.  He is the one who told me to start it, so really, if you want to thank someone for this space, it should be him.

What people didn’t know when they read that comment is that it came on a day when he was running around like crazy to get a gala into place.  It took an incredible amount of work on top of his normal job, and he was stretched thin.

At the gala that night, they brought him and another man onto stage to thank them for their work on the evening.  I was speaking to the mother of the other man during the cocktail hour and she said, “did your heart explode when they brought Josh onto the stage to thank him?  Because my heart was out to here seeing my son up there.”

And the only thing I could say is that my heart explodes every time I see Josh.  Period.

It explodes when I see him being honoured on stage, and it explodes when he’s washing the dishes.  It especially explodes when he takes all the night wakings from the kids so I can sleep.  It explodes when he’s trying on t-shirts at Old Navy and it explodes when he’s telling me about something he heard on NPR and it explodes when he’s patiently pausing Battlestar Gallactica and explaining something to me for the thirtieth time.  And yes, of course it explodes when he accomplishes something amazing like having his play performed on stages around the world or when he’s asked to present at a conference.  But my heart explodes.  Period.

The best way I can explain Josh is using this idea that a friend told me about the medication he takes.  My understanding based on piecing together snippets of explanation is that when he isn’t on it, he feels like there is this enormous chasm in his brain, this dark blot that holds his attention more than the outside world.  It has a pull, and that pull makes him focus on it instead of relationships or tasks at hand.  It makes him anxious and depressed because he is well aware that there is life outside the blot, but he can’t drag his attention away from that dark hole.

The medication literally plugs that hole, is the missing puzzle piece that slips into place, effectively covering up the dark blot.  With the medication in place, he can be this completely different person, one who can look in multiple directions and pay attention to details.

Perhaps that isn’t the most romantic way to describe my husband, but it is the most honest way.  I feel like most of us are born with this missing piece inside of us, and either we find that completion or we don’t.  Perhaps the luckiest ones are born without that need for companionship, but I also count myself amongst the lucky because I have found my missing piece, that person who slips quietly into my brain, plugging the dark blots of life so I can concentrate on being my best self.

I knew from the first date with Josh that he was the equivalent of what this medication was for my friend because I literally felt like a different person talking with him.  I felt like a better version of myself.  I felt like even though it was night time and winter, it was somehow sunnier.  I just felt better, even though, if you had asked me before I walked downstairs to get into his car, I would have said that I felt fine.

Because I did feel fine before Josh.  I just feel better now with Josh.  Just as there were people in my life who I could have married and made a life with and they would have been fine.  They would have been a decent fit.  But Josh is a perfect fit and therefore, in finding that completion I feel better than fine.

This particular fish needs a bicycle.

So thank you Josh, for reading, for commenting, for being you.

32 comments

1 Vee { 06.26.11 at 8:22 am }

Well this just made me cry. That is beautiful and I am so very happy you know you have a wonderful thing in Josh. Keep enjoying and appreciating each other. xx

2 Becky { 06.26.11 at 8:38 am }

So often we forget to stop and thank those we love and who support us the most. What a beautiful tribute to your awesome Josh. Thanks for sharing it with us!

3 chhandita { 06.26.11 at 9:06 am }

Awwww…such a beautiful post..makes me want to work doubly hardy on my marriage….thanks Mel…

4 magpie { 06.26.11 at 9:19 am }

very sweet – your post and his comment.

are you the fish or the bicycle?

5 Kymberli { 06.26.11 at 9:39 am }

This was nothing short of beautiful. The entire time I read it, I kept nodding my head in agreement because this is exactly how I feel about Frank. We comment to each other regularly about how lucky we are to have each other, especially considering that we found our missing pieces at such an early point in our lives. It always warms us when we encounter others who know and live that same feeling for themselves. Maybe it’s just our particular circle, but it seems that we are the exception and not the rule. I wish it weren’t so, because I can’t imagine my live not having this feeling to wake up to every day.

6 Mara { 06.26.11 at 11:07 am }

Beautiful post!! I feel the same way about my husband, and I am grateful every day that he is who he is and that we have the marriage we have. I absolutely loved Josh’s comment on your blogoversary post!

7 quiet dreams { 06.26.11 at 11:16 am }

Again, you inspire me and give me hope.

8 JJ { 06.26.11 at 11:28 am }

Now THAT is *love*

9 Katie { 06.26.11 at 12:06 pm }

I have tears rolling down my face. You just described the exact same way I feel about my husband. I’ve never read true love described in more beautiful words.

Thank you.

10 Shasta Kearns Moore { 06.26.11 at 2:07 pm }

Wow, so awesome. In an age when spouses often bitch about each other reflexively, it’s so great to see someone proudly saying that their spouse is such a wonderful person.
I wrote about just this phenomenon this week, so I don’t feel too bad about posting a link here: http://www.outrageousfortune.net/2011/06/i-my-husband.html
Oh, and “a private swatch of the Internet”? LOL! What an oxymoron.

11 Kristin { 06.26.11 at 2:18 pm }

Oh Mel, this gave me chills. It is so beautiful and, like Kym, I kept nodding my head because this is exactly how I feel about Vic.

12 Misfit { 06.26.11 at 2:44 pm }

I find that I often turn to poetry, to convey the outline of a feeling for which words fall short. This post made me cry, because I get exactly how you feel. You are blessed beyond imagination to have such a partner. Also happy five years to you with the blog!

13 HereWeGoAJen { 06.26.11 at 2:47 pm }

I love this post. 🙂

14 a { 06.26.11 at 3:06 pm }

That’s so sweet! You romantics!

15 loribeth { 06.26.11 at 5:12 pm }

I’m glad to find a couple who are as sappy or even sappier abouteach other than we are. ; ) I read Josh’s comment & went “awwww!!” too! ; )

16 Angie { 06.26.11 at 5:13 pm }

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. My husband used to read my blog, and now it seems he doesn’t. Every once in a while, he will tell me I’m a beautiful writer and it makes me feel loved. But mostly, I kind of feel sad that he no longer reads me.

17 Emby { 06.26.11 at 5:52 pm }

That is very sweet. I bet this post made his heart swell up!

18 Battynurse { 06.26.11 at 8:07 pm }

What a beautiful post. And how amazing that you have each other.

19 SuchAGoodEgg { 06.26.11 at 9:51 pm }

I always read and don’t comment often enough, but this post just really really really resonated with me and I have to leave a note. I feel the exact same way about my hubs. (Of course you articulated it a zillion times better than I ever could, but I was nodding throughout.) We are so lucky to have our missing pieces. Beautiful, amazing post. xoxo

20 Barb { 06.26.11 at 11:00 pm }

YES. And I do the same with my blog, and you explained it so well. (We also do the same thng with Hub’s twitter feed)

21 luna { 06.26.11 at 11:57 pm }

oh now you went and did it, made this old woman wanna cry like a little girl. maybe it’s because my 15th anniv. is this week, but maybe it’s just because it makes me so happy to read your words about the love in your heart for josh. and how wonderful and lucky and amazingly perfect it is that you found each other, somehow.

m is the one who encouraged me to start my blog, as well. and how since he follows me on the twitter there is no where left to hide…xo

22 Mina { 06.27.11 at 3:45 am }

I often feel silly for feeling so much in love and so proud of my husband. That is because the others around, even if they do not really feel this way, treat marriage and partnership as a chore and they make inapropriate jokes and I feel like punching them in the face when they put my husband and I on the same petty level. I try to hang around with people for whom being with the one they love is the cherry on the top of the sweet treat that life is, but there are not so many.

This is another reason why I like you and your blog (love would be more accurate, but it sounds a bit out of context here :-)). You are not afraid to admit that love is one of the best parts in life. Even after all this time. And you don’t get bored and you don’t look down and you don’t take for granted.

Big hugs to you!

23 Anna { 06.27.11 at 4:54 am }

How wonderful to be able to articulate your love so beautifully as well as knowing it. What a wonderful great romance, thank you for telling us about it.

24 Mo { 06.27.11 at 5:47 am }

Beautifully written (as usual)! Josh sounds like an amazing guy.
I feel exactly the same way about my husband.
I also love the fact that he reads my blog every day, and sometimes even writes a post for it when he has something particularly important to say.
I understand why some women keep their blogs to themselves, but I’ve found it as an amazing tool to bring my husband into the fold, and keep us emotionally connected.

25 Paz { 06.27.11 at 6:24 am }

you are both very lucky.

26 Bea { 06.27.11 at 10:15 am }

Awww…. well, it turns out that saying your husband is a pill can be romantic after all. Smiling for you guys.

Bea

27 Bea { 06.27.11 at 10:16 am }

Oh, also… happy blogaversary. I missed it! But I’m glad to have enjoyed the bits I didn’t.

Bea

28 Lori Lavender Luz { 06.27.11 at 1:11 pm }

Thank you, Josh, for channeling Mel’s 11 pm processings into this space.

You are a gem. Each of you.

29 Meredith { 06.27.11 at 1:39 pm }

This is such a gorgeous post and I love the way you described your heart exploding in these day to day moments with Josh, in addition to the big occasions.

30 Roccie { 06.27.11 at 10:24 pm }

Your fella is right, you know.

You have really made a mark in all of our worlds. Thank you.

What a good egg.

31 Heather { 06.27.11 at 10:46 pm }

So sweet!!! I do understand exactly how you feel. My DH and I have been married for almost 17 years and I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world when he walks in the room. He is the most supportive man I’ve ever met and makes me a better person. I’d like to think I do the same for him. Congratulations on having such a great guy.

32 Balancing Act { 06.30.11 at 9:39 pm }

Just lovely to read someone else who is still in love with their hubby 100%.

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