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Little Orders of Business

I was on an Internet radio show with Dina Roth Port (who wrote the Huffington Post article asking us to speak more openly about infertility) and Barbara Collura (Resolve), and you can listen to it here.  It’s available for download at iTunes.  The theme for the show: “Can We Create Infertility Awareness Without Breaking the Silence?”

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the show after you listen.


There has been a request to compile a list of bloggers attending the BlogHer conference this summer in San Diego.  List yourself in the comment section below and I’ll compile a list.  If you’re not attending the conference but you live close enough to San Diego to stop by for lunch, let me know that too.  When you leave a comment, it asks for your email address.  I can create a bcc list (so people won’t see your email address) and mail out details for the lunch plan once they’re in place.

ALI Bloggers Going to BlogHer List
(* connotes that they’re not going to the conference but live in the area)


We had a rockin’ time watching the wedding on Friday.  At first, the ChickieNob wanted to be a princess too.  Then we talked about all the things Kate can’t do anymore — it just wouldn’t be proper to hang out in Chincoteague at Famous Pizza in flip flops and a sun-bleached t-shirt advertising a college.  And after some more thought, the ChickieNob decided that she wanted to go back to her original plan to be a rock star (she’s going to play electric bass) and asked if we could get a scooter.  So we went out and got scooters (you know, those pre-skateboard things) and rode around my parent’s neighbourhood for a bit.  And talked about how Kate Middleton can’t really skate around anymore, at least not in a random neighbourhood with other skateboarders.  Not that she was ever really skateboarding in the first place. (Or perhaps she was.  Perhaps Kate and Pippa used to ride the half-pipe.)

I’m not sure if this is a Jewish thing (we are a demonstrative people) or an American thing (we are also a demonstrative people), but that kiss was not a kiss.  You should not be able to blink and miss a wedding kiss.  I’m not saying that you need tongue, but that kiss that they had?  That’s my “welcome home” kiss for when Josh walks in the door at night.  That’s my “thanks for making me a cup of ice cream” kiss.  My kiss goodnight is longer than that one.  Trying not to judge their kiss since I’m aware that most people are more reserved than I am and who knows what took place behind closed doors, but damn.  That’s the kiss we all were waiting for?

That was like someone asking you if you wanted chocolate and after you say yes, handing you a chocolate chip.  And you’re supposed to be happy because you got a piece of chocolate… but not really.


1 Pundelina { 05.01.11 at 7:58 am }

I know! They kissed and I was completely not blown away at all. Such an enormous let-down and not at all fairytalesque. At least they listened to the crowd chanting “Kiss her again” and did it better the second time. But seriously? Did they not realise that the world was wanting a proper loving kiss? Spoilsports. I mean really, they’re a silly old-fashioned monarchy still managing to exist in a world that’s left royalty behind. Their bread-and-butter is weddings, births, deaths and charity – I would have been making sure to give the public what they wanted!!!

2 Vee { 05.01.11 at 8:32 am }

I was soooo disappointed with that kiss! I am a touchy feely person so I wanted him to put his arm around her and pull her closer or something like that. And the second kiss wasn’t any better pff!

3 mijk { 05.01.11 at 9:08 am }

I think for someone who blames photographers for his mothers dad when he was still very young it was too much to ask to show the vulnerability of a real kiss before camera’s and so much people.. He is not the kind of celebrity who had the choice to become famous… He is royalty…

4 Katie { 05.01.11 at 9:09 am }

I was also disappointed in the kiss!

5 Trinity { 05.01.11 at 9:55 am }

I didn’t watch the wedding, but I did get teary and a little goosebumpy when I heard a news bit on NPR of them exchanging their vows. (And I love how you gently reframed some of this for the ChickieNob in terms of what kinds of fun things Kate can no longer do. Can you just go ahead and write a parenting book already? 🙂

I just finished listening to the radio show, and I definitely enjoyed it. I love how you speak about all of this with such articulated ease, and I found myself nodding along with you as I do when I’m reading your blog spots.

This whole discussion about who “should” speak out is really interesting to me because I just had a similar conversation with my husband a few days ago about why he doesn’t speak about our IF. (We have MFI, so it is his story to share, and I’ve historically encouraged him to do so, especially since he has a male coworker with MFI who conceived both of his daughters with ART.) I am genuinely puzzled that he doesn’t talk about IF at all, even with people with whom it’d be “safe” to talk to. I hate to chalk it up to a difference of the sexes because I feel that is so reductive…and I know better.

And he knows that people just don’t talk about it, because he just walked by me while I was listening to the radio show and asked with surpise, “Wow, is that on NPR?” which kind of makes me wonder if he needs more men to speak out before he feels empowered to add to the conversation. Because he seemed excited that this show might have been broadcast to a bigger, mainstream media audience.

Anyway, I’m glad you sort of “righted” the conversation in terms of pointing out that everyone (you, Dina, Barb) really is on the same page, you don’t have starkly opposing viewpoints on this matter, which was kind of how it was set up in the beginning.

Good stuff, Mel. 🙂

6 Elizabeth { 05.01.11 at 10:15 am }

I heard they rehearsed the kiss to give the photogs the best angles possible. When you have to think about that kind of thing (and are not a trained actor) it’s probably hard to summon up the feeling of the moment in a truly demonstrative way.

7 Briar { 05.01.11 at 10:41 am }

Im going to BlogHer!

8 a { 05.01.11 at 10:50 am }

I missed the kiss – my daughter got up then, and we had to watch Peep and the Big Wide World (excellent show – and narrated by Joan Cusack. I love Quack. If you haven’t seen it, you should.) But I have no feelings either way – it’s virtually impossible to please anyone with the duration and feeling revealed in the post-wedding kiss.

9 May { 05.01.11 at 11:01 am }

I live near the BlogHer location- add me to the lunch list please!

10 loribeth { 05.01.11 at 11:58 am }

Alessandra Stanley in the NY Times had a great piece about American vs British TV reaction to the kiss:


I was switching back & forth between CBC & BBC — to be honest, I didn’t think I could stand the U.S. networks coverage (sorry) — & while the CBC commentator joked, “Did we blink & miss something?” after the first kiss, they didn’t make too big a deal of it.

You have to remember that there was absolutely no kissing on balconies until Charles & Di, & I think only Andrew & Fergie have done it in the years since then (& they would, wouldn’t they?? lol). I think the fact that we got two kisses is kind of a milestone. IMHO, what was wrong with the first kiss was not so much the fact that it was more of a peck than a swoony embrace (and really, knowing what you know about the Royals, you really think THAT was going to happen??), but it happened so fast after they first got on the balcony. I think they should have waited (teased the audience a little more, lol).

11 Justine { 05.01.11 at 12:13 pm }

I think princesses should be able to go scooting and hang out at Famous Pizza. It’s silly that they son’t. 🙂

I really, really want to go to BlogHer, but I will be busy quitting my job that week … for real! … and will need to finish the last two weeks, I suspect. 🙂 Are there other things in between that I can go to in case I can’t get there?

12 Queenie { 05.01.11 at 12:25 pm }

You SHOULD write a parenting book.

And yeah, I think the British are beyond bunged up about PDA. I was surprised there was ANY kiss at all. And it was soooo scripted. What’s with putting “balcony kiss” on the schedule for the day, for pete’s sake?!

13 Sushigirl { 05.01.11 at 12:51 pm }

Never mind the kissing – the most notable thing for me was Beatrice’s hat. What was she thinking?? I think it looks like a diagram of a woman’s reproductive system. http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/princess-beatrices-hat

I’m not British but from that side of the pond, and I guess we are a bit reserved. I do have friends from the US and occasionally find them a bit overwhelming, although generally very kind too. But cultural differences make life interesting.

14 Sarah { 05.01.11 at 2:10 pm }

Speaking as a Brit, I thought the kiss was great. While the royal family’s life might be a little like one long reality show, this isn’t The Bachelor. The intimate, I love you kiss, doesn’t really belong on a balcony with a good proportion of the world watching. I have a lot more respect for William and Kate for just doing a peck than I would have done if they had played up for the cameras.

15 nh { 05.01.11 at 2:21 pm }

The kiss…I suppose if you were expecting a romantic swooning kiss, you were bound to be disappointed. Don’t forget most signs of affection between the two of them have been keep carefully out of public sight. When you’ve lived your life in the spotlight, you have to be more reserved than most!

16 Tigger { 05.01.11 at 2:52 pm }

I read an article before the wedding that said there would be no kiss, because that’s “Hollywood” and the Brits don’t do that, and especially not in such a sacred place. Remember that, generally speaking, Brits tend to be more reserved about such displays. The fact that there WAS a kiss, let alone two of them, is astounding and took a great deal of courage. Yay for them!

17 HereWeGoAJen { 05.01.11 at 3:21 pm }

My thoughts that I am writing while I listen (minus the part I listened to while I was making pancakes):

If I had breast cancer and didn’t want to talk about it, would it be MY responsibility to educate the general public or would my wish for privacy be respected?

Also, as for infertility not being a life or death struggle, my fertility struggles have not been life or death for me, but they certainly have been the death of two of my children.

With my recent second trimester loss which was obviously “out of the closet”, I have gotten a lot of stupid, insensitive comments and it has made me like some people less. That has always been one of my reasons for not telling everyone I meet about our trouble conceiving. I suspect that I will feel quite different when we are done with our family building, but right now, I don’t want members of my mom’s club asking me “so are you ovulating? Are you pregnant this month?” Nor do I want my entire family hanging on my pregnancy status. My mother-in-law is already highly annoying about that, she doesn’t need more ammunition.

I haven’t put anything out there on Facebook or my non-internet friends about national infertility awareness week because like you said, I just don’t have the energy to deal with that right now. However, I have been feeling guilty, like I am not “doing my part” even though I know I have the right to take care of myself first. You know, I really feel like this pressure to come out of the infertility closet is the opposite of “why don’t you just adopt”. It is someone else, who is not in my shoes, telling me what I ought to be doing.

About addressing the people who make stupid comments- I’d say the vast majority of the time when someone is saying something incendiary, they don’t listen when confronted with reason.

Mel, you did an awesome job on that show and I would give you a giant hug if I could reach you. And I am not usually an initiator of hugs.

18 Betty M { 05.01.11 at 5:05 pm }

The kiss was totally whatBritain expected. Two was a bonus. Personally anything more would have felt unnatural. Ihave been to a good no of weddings where the kiss was no more demonstrative than theirs.

19 Kristin { 05.01.11 at 7:35 pm }

I agree with mijk. I think he is so reticent to show vulnerability in front of photographers because of what happened to his mom.

I will be at BlogHer in San Diego…and, if you need any help with planning stuff, let me know.

20 Baby Smiling In Back Seat { 05.01.11 at 7:52 pm }

The radio show (BTW, you did a great job, of course) got me thinking:

I have been secretive about IF, pre- and post-children, but it’s not as if I talk openly about everything except IF. I hide all sorts of things from all sorts of people, esp. our families. A few examples: No one in our families knows anything about the complications I experienced during birth, much less how dire it was. We have to hide specific pieces of information from specific people who would react poorly or would try to use it for their own gain (most recent instance — we will never tell my MIL that I have some life insurance money coming from my mother’s death, or she’d pester us for a handout). I even used to hide it from my mother when I had a cold, or when DH went out of town, to avoid her nonstop worrying.

Thus, it would have been pretty weird if I had been telling my mother about IF but not about getting a cold. It would have been weird to have to explain that we had tens of thousands of dollars to spend on IF treatments but were refusing to give DH’s mother a handout.

I’m actually quite open about IF and other stuff as long as it won’t get back to our families.

What you said on the radio show about you being so open because you have so much support certainly rings true.

21 Kat { 05.01.11 at 11:11 pm }

I’m American and I thought the kisses were sweet. My dad is British though. 😉

22 Lori Lavender Luz { 05.01.11 at 11:38 pm }

Ummm…they’re BRITISH. Their lips are stiff — upper, at least.

23 Calliope { 05.02.11 at 4:52 pm }

I am going to BlogHer with a banjo on my knee!
ok…not really.
I mean I AM going.
But sans string instruments.
And I actually thought the kiss (both of them) was lovely.
ROYALS DO NOT SNOG!! You should know this being a Queen and all — sheesh!

24 Mali { 05.02.11 at 11:52 pm }

I’ve just listened to the show. What struck me was that you said you began to speak out afterwards, because when you were going through primary infertility, it was too hard. And I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. For so many of us, when we’re going through the emotions it’s too hard. But later, when we’ve recovered a bit, have some perspective, it is easier to talk about it. I don’t make my infertility (which at 48 with no kids should be blindingly obvious) that public – I have my professional life where it has no place for example – but I have started a blog, and I would speak publicly about it now, openly, because I feel strong enough to do so now.

(c) 2006 Melissa S. Ford
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