Posts from — January 2011

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
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• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Mama T’s Madcap Misadventures in Life and Babymaking (a.r.t., foster parenting, sass)
3. Riding the IVF Roller Coaster (pregnancy after loss)
4. Life in the Waiting Womb (embryos, choice, creating joy and meaning in life)
5. Yolk: a blog about eggs and sperm (TTC, infertility, humour)
6. Bio Girl (parenting, infertility, FET for baby #2)
7. Aisha Iqbal (parenting, motherhood, life)
8. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (parenting after losses, books, cooking)
9. One Wheeler’s World (life, love, parenting after if)
10. Searching for the Missing Piece (adoption, life, infertility)
11. Ambivalent Womb (MFI, multiple loss)
12. Hope Springs Eternal (MFI, photos, infertility)
13. Production, Not Reproduction (transracial open adoption)
14. The 2 Week Wait (ttc ivf humor)
15. Diary of a Mad Infertile Woman (infertility, gonadotropin injections, new to infertility)
16. The Bushey Life (pregnancy after IF)
17. Lifeslurper (donor eggs, IVF, over 40)
18. Mac and PC (anovulatory, IVF #1, acupuncture)
19. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
20. Musings of a Hormonal Egg Basket (pregnancy after IVF)
21. Life with Endo and PCOS (endo, pcos, trying again)
22. My Dusty Uterus (miscarriage pregnancy hope)
23. Baby On Mind (TTC#1, IVF, unexplained)
24. Becoming Me (pregnancy, nerves, randomness)
25. A Field of Dreams (parenting, life, weightloss)
26. In Due Time (life, infertility, pcos)
27. My Cheap Violin (single, ttc, happiness)
28. Flogging the Muse (art, painting, creativity)
29. This non-American Life (travel, expat life, Europe)
30. Waiting for our miracle (adoption, healing, coaching)
31. As Good As It Gets (parenting after infertility)
32. Where’s Our Stork? (infertility, pcos, MFI)
33. Wistfulgirl’s World (life, weight loss, ttc)
34. CD1 Again (infertility, taking a break)
35. Uncommon Nonsense (infertility, pcos, hypothyroidism)
36. Empty Hole (MFI, microTESE, IVF)
37. Mommy Odyssey (miscarriage, healing, humor)
38. I Can’t Control Everything (ivf, ttc #1, rpl)
39. Maternal Hope (IVF, ttc#1, faith)
40. Someday (IVF, azoos, love)
41. A PGD Blog (IVF, PGD, disability)
42. Enchilada Sunrise (fibrecrafts, bipolar, life)
43. Cooked Heads (such sweet silliness)
44. Try, Try Again (infant loss, infertility, IVF)
45. Bodega Bliss (miscarriage, loss, grief)
46. Garden Variety Mama (cooking, healthy food, parenting)
47. As Fast As My Baby Can (infertility, ivf, unexplained)
48. Cloudy With A Chance of Hope (pregnancy after multiple losses, grief, infertility)
49. Surviving the Secondary Infertility Madness (pcos, infertility, PAL)
50. The Deep Silence of a Long-Suffering Heart (secondary infertility, male factor, IVF)
51. Just Us…For Now (infertility, IVF, miscarriage)
52. Baby Dreams (pregnant with #2 after IF/recurrent miscarriage, my son, life)
53. Chasing Mommyhood (foster-adoption, single, ttc)
54. Holy Crap! You can’t talk about miscarriage (TTC, secondary infertility, random)
55. The Road Less Traveled (pregnancy after loss)
56. for all the things we hope for (infertility, miscarriage, nursing school)
57. Adventures in Name Changing (marriage, infertility, evolving)
58. Run Amok Amok (marriage life infertility)
59. My Cheap Version of Therapy (iui, weight loss, unemployment)
60. One Day at a Time (life, infertility, hypothyroidism)
61. Inspired Ima (triplets, jewish, knitting)
62. Colours Of Cattiz (male infertility, ttc, ivf)
63. A Fine Mess (TTC, miscarriage, infertility)
64. Our Search for Hope (adoption, everyday life, infertility)
65. Mission: Fertile Soul (fertility, living presently, humor)
66. Life in the Last Frontier (open adoption, parenthood, alaska)
67. Stumbling Gracefully (motherhood (after loss), photography, thoughts on mindfulness and loving kindness)
68. On Tap for Today (life, humor, boston)
69. NOT so Fertile Mertile (domestic adoption, endometreosis)
70. The Pursuit of Pregnancy (IVF, recurrent losses, DOR)
71. Snarky Momma (family, moving, Durham)
72. A little blog about the big infertility (embryo adoption, loss, IF acceptance)
73. Blawnde’s Blawg (new beginnings, infertility, support)
74. The Miss Ruby (living childfree notbychoice)
75. trying to conceive (IVF, support, ICSI)
76. The Conceivable Future (RPL, infertility, life)
77. I’m Very Far Away (infertility, IVF, expat)
78. Our Miracle In The Making..A Great Joy Is Coming (recurrent loss due to immune issue, IF treatments, pregnancy)
79. One Day…One Pound…and One Cycle at A Time (cycling, infertility, weight)
80. Motherhood Meets Me (adoption motherhood after infertility)
81. Time Well Wasted (infertility, possible IVF, life)
82. We Have Angel Wings (infertility, balanced translocation, pregnancy)
83. An Unexpected Life (adoption, parenting, infertility)
84. Country Mouse & City Mouse (food, cooking, kids)
85. The Rocky Road to Motherhood (pregnancy, infertility, life)
86. Life Without Baby (CNBC, infertility, living)
87. Whole Heartedly (pregnancy ivf PhD)
88. It’s Definitely Possible (IUI, SMC, 2ww)
89. Diary of taking small steps toward baby steps (pcos, ttc, ivf)
90. I’m Just Ducky, Thanks (unexplained, IVF, depression)
91. Exploring Chaos (ttc #2, parenting, life)
92. Keeping my eyes on Jesus (IVF, faith, miscarriage)
93. Having Kids Sounds Simple Enough (ivf w/pgd, loss, parenting after loss)
94. The Inadequate Conception (infertility, humor, new book)
95. Babies, Balanced Translocations, and Being in My 30′s (infertility, miscarriage, IUI)
96. Infertile Follies (IVF, ectopic pregnancy, infertility)
97. Storm in My Teacup (FET, greyhound, VWbus)
98. The Infertility Therapist (psychological aspects of infertility)
99. Baby Bump Wanted (BFP baby #1)
100. The Journey to Baby G (IUI, miscarriage, humor)
101. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, parenting after 40)
102. The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita (unexplained infertility, life, humor)
103. 2′s Company. 3′s a Family (infertility, combined factors, TTC)
104. The Eternal Guestroom (infertility, polyps, IVF)
105. The Advo.cat (ttc after miscarriage)
106. Eggcetera (adoption, family, infertility)
107. Failed Genetics (adoption, family, marriage)
108. I Want to be a Daddy (male infertility experience)
109. A Peek into our Journey (PCOS, waiting, loss)
110. Holly’s Narrative Dream (fertility, family, life)
111. His & Her Infertility (PCOS, azoo, international adoption)
112. It Is Tuesday, Right?? (motherhood, pregnancy, IVF)
113. Sarah’s Life (infertility, adoption, PCOS)
114. The Graphic Haibuneer (haibun, haiga, haiku)
115. Booferd (loss of child, adoption, grief)
116. Weathering the Storm (life, infertility, trying)
117. Our Fertility Journey (infertility, family, miscarriages)
118. Full Circle (foster, adoption, adoptee)
119. Inconceivable! (infertility, family, step-parenting)
120. The Journey to Baby Belgard (IVF, unexplained infertility, life)
121. Feeling Beachie (life, humor, family)
122. Project Baby (male factor infertility, iui, my story)
123. Adopt to Change (adoption, waiting, family)
124. Happily Ever After (twins family infertility)
125. infertile myrtle (endometriosis, ttc #2, ppd)
126. Our Little Family’s Journey (ivf #3, ttc #2, life)
127. Whitney & Erick – Our Home on the Web (RPL, IVF, confused)
128. Almost All The Truth (green, parenting, change)
129. Pontifications of a Twin Mom (twins, stories, celebrating life)
130. Because Of Match – Trying to make a baby via IVF FET (PCOS, FET, pregnancy)
131. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
132. A Greater Yes (embryo adoption, parenting, infertility)
133. Your Great Life (fertility awareness, infertility support, fertility coaching)
134. Songs For My Unborn Children (infertility, poems, life)
135. Stress Free Infertility (support, tips, success)
136. Joyous Birdie (IVF, twins, older mother, pregnant)
137. Infertility in China (ttc, ivf, iui)
138. A Little Bit of Life (preemie baby, infertility, marriage)
139. Twinside Out (twins after ivf)
140. Plans Change (adoption, pregnancy, parenting)
141. Knocked up by Another Man (DE-IVF, parenting, alaska)
142. Never Giving Up Hope (loss of triplets, pcos, ttc again)
143. Our New Plan A (ivf #5, dor, 2ww or what now?)
144. MissConception (pcos, infertility, IUI)
145. Sheepishly Ambitious (knitting, doulaing, crafting)
146. Mommy In Waiting (ivf#3, mfi, ttc)
147. The Barreness’s Blog (parenting after infertility)
148. Infertility Unexplained (unexplained infertility, iui, infertility news)
149. Meant to Be (formerly Our New Normal) (adoption, cancer survivor, learning to heal)
150. AYear On… Our New Beginning (Hopefully) (infertility stillbirth mother)
151. Grafting a Branch onto the Family Tree (traditional surrogacy, ip)
152. Our Life Journey (infertility, pregnancy loss, faith)
153. Stolen Fertility (infertility, IUI, thoughts)
154. Sunshine on Jupiter (iui, miscarriage, pcos)
155. Walking An Unknown Path (infertility, ivf, therapy)
156. The Barreness (infertility, dreams, irony)
157. Not a Fertile Myrtle (male factor, donor IUI, life)
158. Four of a Kind (parenting, secondary infertility, loss)
159. OnTheLanai (infertility, life, love)
160. Getting There (adoption, waiting, life)
161. The C’s Baby Dance (IF break, insurance changes, adoption?)
162. Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey with Infertility (infertility, iui, ivf )
163. The R House (adoption infertility hope)
164. Infertility Overachievers (IVF, 2WW, son)
165. A Virtual Hobby Store and Coffee Shop (food, news, prayer)
166. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?) (adoption, infertility, life)
167. Find Joy Now (joy, parenting, life)
168. That’s My Answer (question of the day, fun, life)
169. Wishing For The Gift of Life (ivf, ccrm, family)
170. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, life, pregnancy)
171. Circus Children (miracle, pregnancy, birth?)
172. Compromised Fertility (infertility, treatments, feelings)
173. Bakery Closed Until Further Notice (miscarriage, relationships, non-ttc)
174. ReeWrite (pregnancy, motherhood, animals)
175. The Ladies in Waiting Book Club (books, infertility, support)
176. Just Us Two (infertility, marriage, de-stressing)
177. The Diary of My Fertility Roller Coaster (fertility, babies, life)
178. Metholic (infertility, foster care, humor)
179. My Dusty Uterus (humor, stubborn eggs)
180. the February list is now closed.  The March one will open on 3/1

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Updated at the bottom…

I had intended to get just one ring tone, but all of you convinced me that I needed multiple ring tones.  This has become a thing of beauty because I don’t answer the phone if I’m driving, and now I can tell by the song that is playing who is calling the phone.  Not that my phone has rung even once since getting them.

So, without further ado, the winners of the 2011 Ring Tone Extravaganza (from the dark horses who didn’t even show up in the first round of picks to the winners that were already contenders).

“Cannonball” by The Breeders

Since I plan on becoming the next Kelley Deal sans the actual performance experience or cool, swingy hair, I thought it made a good pick.  I assigned it to everyone in my family mostly on account of my brother and an old  The State sketch (remember that show from MTV) where Michael Ian Black isn’t wearing any pants and needs to buy a pair.  And as he swings around with the store employee, mouthing “I love pants!”, this song by The Breeders plays in the background.  And because of that, all of them need to suffer under this song.

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“Speed Racer Theme Song” by … Who Knows (no, really, I have no clue who sings this)

During one year of college, I needed to hear this theme song every night before bed or I couldn’t sleep.  It was like the audible version of sucking my thumb.  I was very stressed that year, so I would like to hold that up as an excuse for my behaviour.  One night, I thought my roommate had erased my tape by accident and I completely lost my shit despite the fact that the show aired every night at 11 pm and I could tape it again.  This song plays when anything related to the kids call such as the doctor or school.

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“Queen Bitch” by David Bowie

I feel like this song would have been best on Josh’s phone for when I call him, since it is a song associated with me, but since he wouldn’t do it, I took it and assigned it to my friend, Julie.  Mostly because, in her heart, she is “an old-time ambassador / Of sweet talking, night walking games / And she’s known in the darkest clubs / For pushing ahead of the dames.”

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“Pets” by Porno for Pyros

We always tell the kids that one day there will be a robot apocalypse.  They should be kind to machines because they’ll have deep regrets about how they treated the computer after the revolution when the iPads are ruling all of us.  That will be the day when we will become the pets of the computers.  Or the martians.  Either/or.

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“Know Your Enemy” by Green Day

This has become my general ring tone for anyone who is not already in the contact list on the phone or who doesn’t have their own special ring tone.  Most of these people are not enemies, though one day, in the not too distant future, the 2012 election will gear up and the phone solicitors will call, and then yes, I will know the enemy because it will be the person calling to tell me about a candidate.

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“The Mesopotamians” by They Might Be Giants

This is the song that plays whenever Josh calls me from his phone or his office. I like to think that if Josh ever encountered Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal, and Gilgamesh that they would invite him into their band. Josh sort of has that slacker band vibe to him. It is one of his most endearing qualities.

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So that is what is currently playing on my phone.

Update:

I didn’t know about ring back tones until Manymanymoon’s comment below.  Maybe it reveals how few phone calls I make, but I’ve never experienced this before where a song starts playing for me while it’s ringing and I’m waiting for them to pick up.  I want to make this happen.  Then I want to make all of you call me and experience it.  So what is going to be my ring back tone?  What song would you expect to hear playing if you called me?

Apparently — I’ve been told — that people don’t care about the DC snow storm.  I’m not sure how this is possible.  How could something that we love to talk about this much be something that is annoying for others to hear?  That’s like telling me that the chocolate bars I love make you feel like someone has taken a dump in your mouth.  Talking about our snow storms is what we do; just as a Jewish mother must feed her children.  You cannot deny Washingtonians this facet of our personalities.

We, first and foremost, need to Tweet whether or not we have power.  It used to be that you knew who didn’t have power merely by the fact that they weren’t on Twitter.  But thanks to technology advancements such as Twitter apps on  phones, we now know EXACTLY who doesn’t have power and who is taking time to Tweet about all the things they are worried that they won’t get done because the power might go out (and because they Tweeted instead of doing them).

Secondly, we need to curse people who can’t drive in snow.  Even if we’re not on the road.  Even if we’re warm in our homes.  We need to think about people who we’ve seen in the past who can’t drive in snow and we need to talk about those people.  We need to write snarky Tweets about them.

Lastly, we need to look at pictures of people having snowball fights in Dupont and we need to then either (1) call them idiots or (2) talk about how we wish we were there.  We need to talk about what we would do if we were the ones throwing the snow balls.  We need to talk about how we pack the snow just so in order to have the snow ball do maximum damage when thrown against the back of a coat.

If you deny us talk of snow, we literally can’t function.  We are unable to come up with any other topic of discussion even if there were 3000 things we wanted to discuss the moment before the first flakes started to fall.  Our minds go as blank and white as … well … the landscape outside.

Hence why I am writing right now about snow.

*******

Instead of the Weekly What If: Since I am waiting for my new shoes to arrive, I want to hear about the best shoes you’ve ever owned.  Describe please, as well as where you got them (or the best place you wore them).

*******

Next week, The Grateful Said goes up.  So far, it rocks.  It could rock even harder if you participate too.  All you have to do is honour one comment that was left on your blog.  It will go up next Tuesday and remain open for entries until the end of February.

And yes, I have big plans to plow through the rest of the Creme de la Creme list this weekend.  Will post whenever I update.

*******

And now, the blogs…

The Unfair Struggle raced in the US Nationals for speedskating last weekend and wrote about it on her blog.  I love her description of the camaraderie that exists amongst speedskaters, but I also love that she gave us a window into that world.  That she let us onto the ice with her.  And I think that it’s amazing that I read a speedskater’s blog.

The Unbroken World has a post comparing infertility to a show that nobody comes to see.  She writes: “Infertility is a state of being, always simultaneously in the background of your life and surrounding it like a vapor. It hangs above you and around you like the stillness of an empty theater, and as much as you describe it to someone, they can picture it but they can’t understand the complex spiderweb of feelings that form it unless they’ve been there.”  The entire post is a gorgeous analogy and for anyone who has ever created art — truly, any form of art — they will nod their way through this saying, “absolutely; I see.”

On the three year anniversary of the death of Zoe, Our Own Creation wrote a beautiful post about missing one daughter while raising another.  It is a brief, sweet post, and this thought made me cry: “It is because of you that I remember to take the time to be in the moment with her. Dishes can wait; laundry will still be there later; this minute in her life only comes once.”

Lastly, Things Get If’fy had a post that made me laugh.  Especially since I sucked in my breath before I clicked over.

The roundup to the Roundup: What?  Don’t you love it when Washingtonians speak about snow?  Answer the Instead of the Weekly What If.  Submit to The Grateful Said.  And lots of good posts to read.

I’ve mentioned on and off that I want to take guitar lessons.  It’s something I gave up as a teenager, and I’m barely functional on the instrument.  I am pretty much limited to “Puff the Magic Dragon” and “Charlie and the MTA.”  I cannot restring my own guitar and that apparently makes me a pussy.  In my head, I’m Kelley Deal of the Breeders, except without a twin, band, or swingy hair.  Oh, and with an acoustic guitar instead of an electric one.  But, you know, same thing.

But in my head, I also have this mental block — that art classes and music lessons and the like are for kids.  And I missed that boat.  Now, if I want to learn something new, I am expected to take cooking lessons or yoga.  It seems like there is a clear line — noticeable if you look at the course offerings for adults in the county catalog — between activities that are for kids (beginner fine arts classes and tutoring) and adults (fix your car or manage your finances).

My cousin and I were walking around Harvard recently and it suddenly hit me that I’m never going to go to Harvard.  I know, I’m a little slow on the uptake (perhaps why I didn’t get into Harvard), but I realized that I was going to die and never have that experience.  Yes, I could dedicate myself to that goal; move up to Boston and take a night class or whatever they have open to the general public.  But it was this moment where I started to feel as if my life was speeding down a bowling alley-like lane towards death with all these unfinished dreams scattered in the gutters like shattered bowling balls.

And it terrified me.

Because you only get to live once.  And I don’t want to get to the end of my life and say, “holy fuck, I totally forgot that I wanted to learn [fill in the blank] and now it’s too late.”

Becoming a kick-ass guitar player a la Joan Jett is one of those gutter ball dreams.  It’s not even about performing — I don’t need to play for anyone else.  I just want to know in my head before I die that I fucking rocked that guitar hardcore.

One of the beauties of being in your 30s is that you have a confidence that you didn’t have in your 20s to grab life by the balls (and apply pressure for good measure — not enjoyable pressure, but the kind that makes the guy wince a little).  And I decided that I didn’t care if all the other students at the music school were 12-years-old with retainers and homework.  I was going to take music classes too.

We went to the music school earlier this week to sign up for my lessons.  And the guy was a little confused, but he kept saying, “yeah, that’s cool” as he furrowed his brow, as if he was trying to convince me that he believed that it was super cool for a woman with greying hair and bladder control issues when she sneezes (perhaps he didn’t know per se about the bladder control issues, but he could suspect) to come to the school and rock out.  I am starting with my acoustic guitar and once I’ve proven to Josh that I’m not going to flake out on this, he is going to get me an electric one.

I am joking about this, but I’m scared.  I don’t feel like I have the luxury to walk away from this again.  I can’t be so cocky this time unless I’m willing to leave the guitar dream in the gutter.  I feel old.  I’m 9 years older than my teacher.  I feel slow.  I worry that I won’t have time to practice.  I worry that even with practice, you won’t be able to tell that I’ve been working hard.  I worry that I’ll be the joke at the school — that the guys will laugh about me once I leave for the day; that old chick who thinks she’s ever going to be good at this.

But too many friends have cancer, and Josh and I often wonder aloud how we reached an age where multiple friends have cancer.  Where is moves from being an anomaly to something that happens.  And maybe I need to borrow from their mortality to remember that life is short.  Even when you get to the ripe old age of 90, life is short.  And if things should change for me tomorrow, I’d want to know that even if I didn’t achieve all my goals, at least I was working towards them and had taken to heart the gravity of unfinished business.

I start my guitar lessons this week, and I plan to blog about them once in a while.  Just because it’s a chance to subject you to painful sound clips of me playing “Sister Goldenhair” while crooning along.  Thank G-d I self-hosted so I could do this to you. Just because I need to be held to knocking down bowling pins rather than being dragged past the gutter balls of life.  Just because I need to feel like a rock star instead of grey-haired writer.  Just because y’all know about my bladder-control-while-sneezing issues and those boys have no clue.  Oh, and because I’m going to fucking rock that guitar hardcore.

What skill do you wish you had learned?

On a more serious note; a break amid ring tone discussion…

The Exclusion Project has brought out a bunch of side conversations, and one of the common threads through all of them is whether or not things really get better.  My reaction to slights has certainly changed, but it doesn’t mean that people don’t say or do cruel things.  My desire to be accepted has certainly changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m not conscious of whether or not I’m included.

My favourite thing I’ve read so far from this whole inane Amy Chua/Tiger Mum thing was an op-ed in the New York Times titled “Amy Chua is a Wimp.”  David Brooks points out what her children are missing:

Practicing a piece of music for four hours requires focused attention, but it is nowhere near as cognitively demanding as a sleepover with 14-year-old girls. Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale.

Growing up girl feels like a battle ground where no one is in your platoon.  You’re on the battlefield with all of these people, but none of them wholly have your back.  Aging brings with it alliances and it brings with it sisters-by-choice, but all that means is that you now have a small posse on the battlefield.  It’s not us against them.  It’s really us against us when you are constantly surrounded (overtly and covertly) by the judgment and oneupmanship.

This, of course, is the negative side.  I could write for hours celebrating female friendships, but the Exclusion Project is about the times when someone could have been kind, but chose otherwise.  And we are still doing that today to each other.  The close friendships provide a cushion that is perhaps lacking from the early years, but it’s just that — a cushion that is softening some of the vibrations that shake us down to our foundations of self-esteem.

Instead of directly telling someone that they aren’t invited to the slumber party, we covertly exclude the infertile girl by not inviting her to baby’s first birthday party along with the rest of the circle of friends.  Instead of telling someone they look ugly, we imply that they’re a shit mother.  We still covet what we perceive the other person has, only now it’s houses or marriages or children instead of toys or parents or friends.

My toolbox looks different as an adult: I can yank out comebacks and write well-constructed, scathing emails explaining my hurt.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t curl up in the very same ball that I curled up in as a child and cry on my bed after an incident occurs.  Are things better or are the slights spaced farther apart so they don’t feel quite as overwhelming?  Are there simply more distractions so I have less time to wallow in the thoughts (though I still make plenty of time to wallow in the thoughts).

I was that girl who brought a book onto the playground.  I didn’t necessarily read it — sometimes I did and sometimes I played with other girls.  I just never knew how it was going to go down, so I brought the book with me.  And in college, my fallback coping mechanism at a party was to grab a book from the person’s bookcase and start reading, as if I just couldn’t tear myself away from this scintillating prose.  And now, as an adult, I still throw a book in my bag.  Josh calls it my security book.  And that’s what it is.  It’s is my better-to-look-busy-than-to-look-alone book.  Sometimes, I actually just want to read it and I’m hoping to grab 5 minutes while I’m out.  But other times, it’s a security book.  A prop.

What’s different now is that I like being alone sometimes.  I never wanted to be alone as a child, but now I like going out by myself.  I like having quiet time and wandering through the mall alone or eating dinner by myself.  So that has changed — not the amount of social time where I’m alone, but how I react to the aloneness and embrace it.

I do fear sending the message that it will get better because what will the ChickieNob do with life if she’s always waiting for this point in the future where it will get better?  I want her know that it might not get better, and then, what are you going to do about it?  How will you change yourself for the better since you can’t change life and you can’t completely change the way people treat you?

Maybe I need to just explain that things get different.  And that sometimes, different is all you need to take a deep breath and enjoy life.