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2010 is ending, and I’m terrible with goodbyes.  Even when it’s only a year that I’m saying goodbye to and not a person.


On Sunday, they predicted a large snow storm that didn’t really happen as they said it would.  I stayed in and decided to tackle all of the remaining Creme de la Creme posts in a single sitting.  Not my best idea.  I had been reading about 10 a day for the last few days, and suddenly, I was going to read over 100 in a single day.  It would be like eating a massive plate filled with chocolate bars.  It sounds delicious in theory, but after my normal amount, I felt done.  But I had to keep going in order to complete the list on time.  Which didn’t actually happen, but at least I tried.  And I still have the rest of the week as my safety net to fulfill my promise.


I am sure that when you read things such as that, you wonder why I do this at all.  I mean, it does sound insane — reading through 300+ posts in a relatively short period of time and writing these blurbs, all while living the rest of my life and doing the rest of my work.  I do it because it’s an honour.  Because it signifies something for me.  Because I can’t imagine not doing it, now that I have done it 5 times.


We watch two movies every Christmas: Love Actually and About a Boy.  It is a struggle to get Josh to watch Love Actually with me so we do that one first to get it over with each year.  He enjoys our yearly watching of About a Boy, and it really is one of my favourite movies, but it depresses the fuck out of me.  And coupled with my period, it left a film over the next day.


I went to write a friend a message on Facebook and she wasn’t in my friend list.  This was strange, but stranger still was that when I looked her up on Facebook, I got the error page.  She had deleted her account.  I went to her blog to see if I had missed this announcement, but no … there was no mention that she had deleted her account.  This was the third time this happened this month — that a friend deleted their account and I discovered this when I went to look at their Facebook page or write them a message.  Isn’t that a little strange?  A person uses Facebook daily, connects with hundreds of friends, and then one day deletes their account without comment (which was the case with all three people — they were all active Facebook users).

Which made me wonder if I should ask why when this happens.  Is it worse to put the person on the spot and ask them why they deleted their account, make them explain whatever they were trying not to explain by slipping out of the Internet world with the click of a button?  Or is it worse to not ask, to make the person feel as if their departure went unnoticed?  Your thoughts?

It is one thing when you are the only person deleted; when you are left wondering what you ever did to offend them (or perhaps it has nothing to do with you at all).  It’s another thing when the entire account is deleted.  I wish Facebook would allow you to delete your account and on the error page, list the reason for doing so that everyone who looks later can say, “oh, yes, I see.  That makes perfect sense.”  Instead of wondering.


1 cgd { 12.27.10 at 9:40 am }

you are amazing!!! To think of all the work you do for our community. Thank you so very much 🙂
happy new year to you.

2 Tigger { 12.27.10 at 11:13 am }

I think I would message and ask something like “I went to post you something on your wall and discovered that you deleted your account. If you feel like sharing, I’d like to know what happened to cause you to come to such a drastic action. I miss you!” That way you’ve noted that you noticed they are gone and given them the opportunity to tell you why, as well as an out if they do not!

3 Kristin { 12.27.10 at 11:37 am }

Thank you for all you do for us Mel.

I like Tigger’s way of handling the deleted Facebook account.

4 Calliope { 12.27.10 at 11:41 am }

I can not believe you watch About a Boy every year! wow! Not that I will give you any real grief for this as I watch The Big Chill every year.

I thought about deleting my facebook account several times but then just decided to scale back (A LOT) my use and really only use. It totally rocks when you have a birthday and all of your past lives come together to dance on your facebook wall.

I bet there are many reasons for a deleted account- just seeing some of the fights that happen randomly, hurt feelings…who knows.

5 HereWeGoAJen { 12.27.10 at 11:56 am }

I never wonder why you do things like the Creme. It’s just you, shining out through the internet.

6 Mina { 12.27.10 at 12:21 pm }

Thank you, Mel! You mean more to us than you will ever know.

I deleted my FB account because I realised that I did not need it. People I keep in touch with I do it anyway, via phone, mail, I do not need FB. And I really can live without the silly updates of high school mates who need to share with the world that they boiled an egg.
And guess what, only one ‘friend’ realised that. One out of approx. 100. Which proves my point. Of course, realising that I am so not missed should worry me, but I was never Miss Congeniality, so problem solved.
And in case you wanted to know, it is one thing to deactivate your account, a whole entirely different one to delete it. It took two mails and two week wait (ironically) to have it deleted. You cannot do it yourself, they have to do it for you. And this is surely a wait to slide right into paranoia about socializing sites’n stuff. But let’s stop here, shall we?

Happy winter holidays everybody!

7 a { 12.27.10 at 12:38 pm }

No one would notice if I deleted my FB account. But if soemone I contacted otherwise deleted their account, I would probably send them a “So, you got tired of Facebook, eh?” message, leaving the door open for comment or not, as the person chose.

So, if a movie depresses you, why do you keep watching it? Or, why don’t you wait to watch it until you are in a proper mood where it won’t carry over to another day? Also, I’ve never seen either movie (although I did read the book About A Boy, and it was depressing)…what’s the attraction?

8 nh { 12.27.10 at 1:01 pm }

Thanks for everything you do, Mel. We need people in this world who care enough to do things that other’s won’t do.

Facebook – don’t know; I think somehow you should contact your friend, and just let her know that you noticed that there account was deleted…. there may be a really good reason for it.

9 Heather { 12.27.10 at 1:24 pm }

I try not to go to Facebook too often. If I did, I’m sure I’d find a reason to cancel my account eventually. I think it’s difficult not to be anonymous and have both family and friends all see the same stuff. It’s just a recipe for someone to get hurt.

10 BigP's Heather { 12.27.10 at 1:57 pm }

I haven’t seen either of those movies. Guess I need to update my Netflix queue.

I would email them and tell them you went on FB to send them a message and they were gone and it made you sad.

11 Bea { 12.27.10 at 4:19 pm }

Yeah, I would mention the FB thing so they knew someone had noticed, but without demanding an explanation (although perhaps, at the same time, leaving a bit of an invitation in case they wanted to share). You were going to send them a message anyway, so should be natural enough to include it.

You rock at doing these community things.

Onward and upward in 2011, as always.


12 Mr. Thompson and Me { 12.27.10 at 7:58 pm }

Frankly, I think you are amazing for doing the Creme de la Creme. Thanks for all your time and effort – WE APPRECIATE YOU!

13 Rebecca { 12.27.10 at 8:43 pm }

Thank you SO much for all you do for us!!! Thank you for taking the time to put together the Creme de la Creme, for the LFCA and for being such an incredible advocate to those of us in the land of IF. You mean so much to so many people and I personally find you incredibly inspiring. You are someone who absolutely lives their life to the fullest and makes such an amazing impact on the lives of so many…thank you for all the time you put into doing this. We love you!!! Also I’m so excited to say I got your book on my kindle this Christmas and am SO looking forward to diving into it.

14 Kerrik { 12.27.10 at 8:52 pm }

Mel, Thanks for all the work you do in linking this community together!I appreciate it so much, and I can see I’m not the only one.

15 Jenny { 12.27.10 at 9:40 pm }

My first instinct would be to assume that the FB friend had had his/her account hacked or something similar and so would certainly ask them about it. Also, if a friend is close enough that you send personal messages (rather than occasional quick comments) I would hope your relationship would withstand a probing question every now and again.

I’m only new to the blogging world (my first ICLW!) so to me the thought of reading 300+ posts is mind-boggling, but I can see that your efforts are greatly appreciated!

16 Queenie { 12.28.10 at 7:50 am }

I would ask about the FB account. Actually, I just did–a very active friend deleted her account recently. The explanation involved a crazy exboyfriend who’d started stalking her FB friends, sending them crazy emails, etc.

By the way, you really do rock. I would never even attempt something like the creme.

17 Denver Laura { 12.28.10 at 10:45 am }

There’s been a big deal about a hard “sign-off” from fb recently. If you just “sign-off” people can still search for you. If you “delete” your account, nobody can find you unless you’re online. Your info is still there on a server somewhere but nobody can find it. The option is pretty good for job seekers… Just sayin…

18 Kristi { 12.28.10 at 2:37 pm }

My mom’s email account got hacked and they started posting stuff on her face..book page. So she had to close down her face page and re-open a new one with a little different name.

19 flyingmonkeys { 12.28.10 at 3:12 pm }

I left a status up for about 10 minutes before I deactivated a couple of weeks ago. Once you deactivate you’re gone though, all your comments vanish as if you were never there… so those who didn’t see it didn’t hear me say I’ll be back I just didn’t know when. Maybe they just needed to unplug, reevaluate and reorganize and they’ll be back too.

I’ve never seen either of those movies, maybe I’ll put them in my queue. : )

20 Deathstar { 12.28.10 at 4:13 pm }

Their account probably got hacked. Back to good old fashioned email.

21 Jem { 12.28.10 at 10:23 pm }

My husband LOVES About a Boy. He watches whenever it’s on TV (often). I have only seen Love Actually on a plane, so I ‘m sure I’ve missed major aspects of it.

With this comment I’m a officially an Iron Commenter! First. Time. Ever! Yippee!!

22 Geochick { 12.29.10 at 1:11 pm }

Marathon reading! I like the suggestions for asking and leaving the door open. If it’s someone you interacted with often asking seems completely appropriate.

23 manymanymoons { 12.29.10 at 2:17 pm }

You are such a freaking rock star for all you do for the blog/infertility world. Thank you for taking the time and putting your all into it…seriously.

I say you should ask about why they deleted their Facebook accounts. It will show a genuine interest and probably make them feel good that you noticed. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if not for Facebook that I would even get in touch with most people I am “friends” with. That’s kind of a sad statement actually.

24 aisha { 12.30.10 at 12:41 am }

I was hoping to meet uyou during my visit to Maryland but I failed to realize that a pakistani wedding is a week-long event with just minor gaps of down-time not enough to coordinate a meet-up- but I wish I had because I appreciate all you do for us- and the fact that you have your own busy bustling life but you still take the time to get to know everyone who you blog with and build community with- I appreciate your creme de la creme and everything else you do.

as for FB I deleted years back for about two years w/out a word. Not sure why. It didnt occur to me to make an announcement. I think they’d be touched if you asked- and knew they were missed.

25 Battynurse { 01.02.11 at 7:06 am }

I haven’t experienced this with facebook but I have with blogs. A couple people that I was friends with fairly early in my blogging all of the sudden deleted their blogs. Considering that it somewhat coincided with them ceasing to speak to me I sort of felt odd about it. Odder still when I later discovered they had started new blogs.

26 TasIVFer { 01.03.11 at 8:50 pm }

Oh – a movie you love but depresses you plus AF doesn’t sound like a fun mix! I hope you’re feeling in better spirits now. ((HUGS))

The other day I was looking up a friend on Facebook by doing a search in my friends list and she didn’t appear. A was quite upset; crazier than I thought I’d be. I cried and wailed and wrote and re-wrote emails to her in my head. I was *so* upset but didn’t know what I’d done to lose her. And then I realised she’d just updated her given name from Bec to Rebecca and she was still there. I was just being an over-emotional idiot. I almost send her an email to tell her how upset I was so she’d know how special she was to me, but then I felt like an idiot and didn’t. Crying and getting that upset over a name change really isn’t normal behaviour.

But maybe I should. I ‘only’ know her through a forum of clients of our IVF clinic that neither of us participate in any more. But we really clicked. We’ve only met IRL once, but we’ve shared a lot. And I don’t know that we take the time to tell people how much they mean to us. Part of me thinks I’m just a drugged and hormonal wreck, and part of me thinks it’s important to do.

I have no idea whether it’s better to let someone slip off fb quietly or to ask they why. Unfortunately I doubt there’s one answer; people leave for different reasons.

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