Deconstructing Coraline (Part Two)
If you never read Coraline and don’t want to know one smidgen about the book (I am being careful not to spoil it), don’t read these posts. They are about infertility, but they springboard off the book.
It’s not only the creepy other parents that are hitting close to home as I read Neil Gaiman’s Coraline. When she needs to gather courage to go find her real parents, Coraline tells a story about a day when she went with her real father to explore a dump area.
While they were there, her father screamed at her to run and she ran up the hill. Her father stayed behind for a moment. It turned out that they had disturbed a wasp’s nest and the wasps had come out to sting. Her father told her to run and then stood there, making sure that the wasps were attracted to his body rather than hers, and only ran when there was space between them so that the father was stung instead of his daughter. She received one sting and he took almost 40.
During the escape, he dropped his glasses and needed to return to get them. He explained that bravery wasn’t standing there and taking the stings in the first place, because that was simply an instinct. An animal reaction of a parent protecting his child. He made that decision on auto-pilot, therefore, it wasn’t bravery — it was just a person doing what he needed to do in the moment.
What was brave was returning to the hill to get his glasses when he knew the danger there. That he was scared and went back for his glasses anyway because it was what he had to do.
Chew on that for a moment through the lens of failed treatments or trying again after a loss or continuing with the adoption process.
There is a Hebrew song — Kol Ha’olam Kulo — which is one of those songs that every child knows from camp that comes from a Nachman of Breslov quote and is translated as:
The whole world is a very narrow foot bridge, and the main thing is walking across it without being afraid.
I’d like to amend that by saying that it is totally fine to be afraid — it is healthy to be afraid — but it is incredible what we can do even while terrified.
Disclaimer: I am midway through the book, and these are my thoughts midway through the book. I may have a very different reaction to the book once I get to the last page.
10 comments
I’d like to amend that by saying that it is totally fine to be afraid — it is healthy to be afraid — but it is incredible what we can do even while terrified.
Yes. I do try to make this an important part of my brain processes (for lack of a better way to say it, omg I am so tired) and I do think that’s a key part of Coraline.
It is quintessentially human to be afraid. It’s what we can do in spite of that that is meaningful.
(Much like I tell my prospective employers when interviewing that of course I make mistakes, everybody makes mistakes, we’re human. It’s how you deal with it that’s important.)
I have never read Coraline, but your post hits home for me right now as I’m back on that narrow bridge. Tomorrow is my ER for my fourth IVF cycle after 2 miscarriages. I’m terrified, but it is what I have to do.
I love your disclaimer about being afraid. I think it is important to not let being afraid change who you are.
“I’d like to amend that by saying that it is totally fine to be afraid — it is healthy to be afraid — but it is incredible what we can do even while terrified.”
Thanks Mel! I needed to hear this. People tell me all of the time that they admire my attitude, that I am so “brave.” I think, “brave? me?” I am scared to death but I am doing the only thing that is within my control, I am trying again. It doesn’t feel brave, it feels very scary.
I love this line from a book I just read –
“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?'”
‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.”
I love Coraline – and I love Neil Gaiman. I highly recommend reading The Graveyard Book after Coraline if you haven’t already. Great post, thank you.
I’m dealing with a lot of fear lately and trying to find where it comes from to better deal with it. Last week when I went for a blood test I nearly walked out; as difficult as the 2ww was sitting and waiting for the pathologist to open was insane. It wasn’t really, but walking into the room where my blood would be taken and being polite and chatty felt brave.
When I was pregnant with Blobby, I went to the early pregnancy scan fearless. I’d done 10 IVF/ISCI cycles, but I wasn’t part of the online community and didn’t really understand what negative things might be found at this scan. I just thought of it as another part of the process – one I’d never done before. This time I don’t know how I’ll walk through the doors into the scan room. I’m not very brave and now I know what scary things I might be facing.
Sometimes people tell me I am strong or brave for going through 14 stimulated IVF cycles. They don’t realise it became auto-pilot – sort of a masochistic hobby I have. No bravery involved.
wow, I can only keep saying that by reading these that I am feeling much better. I actually felt my blood pressure come down.
Thank you, because I truly needed this today.
HUGS
I love that Hebrew saying. May I borrow it for my blog? Thank you for sharing this.
“HereWeGoAJen I love your disclaimer about being afraid. I think it is important to not let being afraid change who you are.”
This exactly. For the past year I’ve let my fear control me, change me. I’m finally starting to have a voice again that’s louder than the fear.