316th Friday Blog Roundup
If you follow me on Twitter, you already partially know my tale of bravery this week at the legs of a cricket (I was going to say at the hands of a cricket, but then realized that crickets probably don’t have hands). For those who don’t follow me, sit back for the story of how Melissa battled the largest cricket in the world.
It was late at night on Tuesday, and I had just finished reading a new post by Somewhat Ordinary when I went in the kitchen and caught something move out of the corner of my eye. The thing jumped again, and oh my fucking Lord, it was a cricket that was easily the size of the oven.
Josh wasn’t home, and my first instinct was to run upstairs (as well as curse him). But then I wouldn’t know where the cricket went, and I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t probably go back downstairs again until the thing was caught. As in, I would have spent Wednesday in my room.
My second instinct was to call Lindsay or Calliope to come and get it, but I knew they would skin me alive for calling so late and I wouldn’t be able to handle the wait until they arrived. My third instinct was to channel Somewhat Ordinary, who is this kickass brave woman who can kill crickets. I went with this plan to go at it with the Dyson. All of those thoughts happened in the course of about three seconds.
I plugged in the vacuum and stretched out the wand, and screaming like a Celtic warrior (sans the nakedness and blue woad paint), I started pointing it at the cricket while it jumped around manically, frightened no doubt by my continuous rebel yell as well as the fact that extreme suction was coming close to its body. It jumped under the sideboard, and as I waved the wand underneath (yes, still emitting a continuous shriek), a miracle happened and the cricket paused from moving long enough to be sucked into the Dyson where it spun until unconsciousness.
Even Josh was impressed with its size when he got home and emptied the Dyson for me. I felt like such a fucking warrior. The last time I had that type of high over my prowess, I had a needle of Follistim going into my belly.
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Someone asked me this week when I was going to pop out another child and “come on, you have to get on with this and have another!” She was rewarded with me bursting into tears. Serves her right for poking.
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Back to the cricket: Josh and I have been debating whether or not a cricket that was not dead could live in the toilet and jump back out at you when you sat down to pee. I wasn’t concerned over my cricket because mine was clearly in a state of rigor mortis with its enormous legs splayed around him. But it was a hypothetical question about placing a live cricket in a toilet.
Josh insisted that because crickets cannot swim, it would drown. I insisted that crickets are crafty and it would be entirely within the realm of possibility to have it hide in the pipes until a little girl like me sat down and then it would HOP ONTO MY ASS.
I based this on the fact that there are at least 300 cases of small children who had their bums bitten off by alligators that came through their toilets. Isn’t that true? Aren’t there dozens of children who lose their asses every year to alligator-in-the-toilet incidents?
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The Weekly What If: If you had to be born the conjoined twin of someone famous (real or fictional), who would it be and why?
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And now, the blogs…
The video that Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere Storkey, Storkey posted on her blog made Josh and I laugh so hard that Doritos almost came out my nose.
Tales of Rachel has a post about the friends who got away. I think I was drawn to this post because we had a week where we got together with Josh’s oldest friend and our kids played together like little yentas, which was followed by Josh attending the funeral for a friend’s father. He came home quietly pointing out that they had been friends as kids and then they went through first jobs and marriage and infertility and kids and now, they are burying a parent. And it was just this emotional scope of events. And then Rachel writes this kickass post about the people we want to stay close to but life gets in the way. She explains, “I wish I could return to knowing beyond a passing moment on a social networking site.” Isn’t that how it is?
Moving onto more emotional posts, Serenity wrote about what made her push forward in giving O a sibling. It’s a sad turn of events that brought her to this realization, but it’s also the energy fueling what will be a difficult process. She writes, “And how much I want that for O. I shudder when I think of a situation like Thursday’s, except with ME. My cousin at least had his brothers to rely on as they waited for my uncle to get home.”
Lastly, Shorty’s Adventure has a post about her recent loss. I cried with the end of her post: “My heart and soul, buried in this globby mess I was about the flush down the toilet. I started at it, I was already on the morphine, and all I could do was stare at it. I even said goodbye as I threw it away. I am supposed to somehow go on, but how do you go on, with no heart or soul.” I think anyone who has had to flush one of those globby messes down the toilet understands how it feels to lose your heart and soul. And I can’t explain how you go on, but somehow, you do go on.
The roundup to the Roundup: I took on the cricket from Hell. Thanks for asking when I’m going to have another kid. Do alligators live in toilets? Answer the Weekly What If about your preferred conjoined twin. And lots of great posts to read. Hope those who celebrated Thanksgiving had a wonderful day.
18 comments
Well done on tackling the cricket. The thing about the crickets in the toilet reminded me of when someone I know worked in an office building that had become infested with rats; she was in a cubicle (mercifully, not actually sitting on the pan) and a rat came up out the u bend – she slammed the lid down so it couldn’t get any further. Gross!
That sucks about being asked when you’re having another child, I wish people would mind their own business!
I’m pretty sure there are no alligators in toilets. Crickets can’t really get a foothold to crawl back up the toilet drain, and it’s easier for them to just get washed into the sewer system anyway. There’s no bonus to climbing back up your toilet, so feel free to flush away.
I would be conjoined to anyone who is a really easy conversationalist – from small talk to ultra-intellectual, so I would be able to enjoy discourses without having to initiate conversations and keep them going.
Also, I think bursting into tears is the appropriate response to that sort of inquiry…
But alligators are water animals and can swim and stuff – crickets can’t…so you are safe there. Or you can pee in a cup and pour it in.
Also, that video is by Valerie – and her blog is here: http://mompetition.blogspot.com/
She has a lot of other videos which are equally hilarious!!!!
I have flushed a LOT of bugs, a LOT because Florida is full of bugs and I have never had one come back up.
Hmm. I don’t know who I would like to be twinned to permanently. A book author, so that they (we) wouldn’t be easily recognizable in public. Someone who got famous by doing something nice, instead of seeking fame (like acting or politicking). Oooh, I’ve got it. How about you?
Why kill a cricket? You know it is good luck to have a cricket in your house, right? They kill other nasty insects. It’s not like a cockroach or something. 🙂 If I lived near you I would gladly catch all the crickets you find and release them into the wild. I am nervous around spiders myself. Not scared mind you, but nervous. I will usually catch and release them, too, unless they land on me. Then it’s dead spidey. Bravo to you for conquering your fear, even if you did kill a poor harmless cricket in the process.
I an very impressed with you dealing with the cricket. I am not one to be brave in those cases involving spiders. So I can relate. I won’t read on to know what may or may not survive a flushing as the thought of snappy teeth near any bits is too much for my imagination.
You did great! All crickets must die. If only you could do the same to insensitive people.
Oh lord, do I hate to tell you this. Like you really needed to be any more afraid of crickets! But my great grandma once thought she had squished a cricket. She threw it in the toilet, then decided to sit down for a nice pee before flushing. It climbed the sides of the toilet, got into her girdle, and bit her, um, sensitive areas. After that she always flushed and checked for remains before sitting down.
Can I be Oprah’s conjoined twin? I could really use the money. 🙂
Loved your story of war with the cricket, freaking hilarious and provided a much needed laugh! Sorry about the ass who had to ask you about having another child, why do people feel the need to be so nosey and discuss such things…very frustrating indeed!
In terms of the conjoined twins I think a great musician that I really like would be lovely, maybe Sarah MacLachlan.
I can’t think of a single person I’d like to be permanently attached to, including an identical version of myself.
Mel – the great cricket conqueror! And, I have no clue how to answer your question.
I love your cricket story. Hail the conquering warrior! I have no idea who I would want to be conjoined to forever. Hopefully someone who got to travel a lot.
Congrats on the cricket! I am very excited. This is a moment of personal growth, and I do not type that in a sarcastic way at all.
Also, thankyou for teaching someone not to flippantly and presumptively question another’s life plans. One at a time.
Bea
Proud of you for overcoming the cricket.
And thanks for that video. Have sent it to my mom, sure she will also have a good laugh.
thanks for iclw! have been enjoying giving and receiving comments!
Stupid woman making you cry 🙁
I think you should suck anyone who asks you about more children in that Dyson of yours (and I’m impressed by its size if it could suck up that massive cricket!).
When I read the question about who to be an identical twin with, David Attenborough immediately came to mind. I have no idea why. Maybe because his voice would be so soothing? Or maybe because it would be so hilarious having him do a voice-over of the Schnauzer activity in my house? ‘The Schnauzer has stolen a piece of cheese; watch the intricate dance as she first attempts to bury it behind a wattle and then brings it indoors to burry in her bedroom beanbag. This food ritual has been passed down through the millennium. . .’
I am sooo scared of snakes (like your crickets) that even in the dead of night, when I am half awake..I will turn the light in the bathroom on to make sure I don’t sit down on a toilet full of snake…I know how you feel. 🙂
and I would rather not be a conjoined twin, that’s icky.LOL
Aw, I want to cry right now. I am just catching up on blog reading (at work) after a busy weekend and I’m so honored that I could help inspire you to suck up that cricket. My vacuum has now killed 2 very big, gross bugs (a cricket and a silver fish). Thanks for thinking I’m brave…cause if you heard my blood curdling screams while I was doing it you might not have wanted to channel me!
Do you need me and my trusty Shark Navigator to come up there and start sucking up rude people that ask too many questions?