Posts from — June 2010

Jezebel had a post about the dismissive phrase: “she just wants attention” (or “she’s just doing it for attention”) and how we apply it to problems.

Gender becomes such a vital part of how we judge others…It has to be realized that if a woman or girl is upset about something, it’s not just because she wants attention. And if she does want attention, maybe it’s because she wants care. Is that something to dismiss? What happens when we do dismiss it? I’m not sure I want to know.

The post rambles about but at its core is the idea that we withhold sympathy based on an ever-changing definition of worth.  That one girl starving herself has anorexia and that another girl starving herself is “just doing it for attention.”

I’ve noticed it in the blogosphere as well.  People will rally around one blogger telling her tale–her problems are real!–and dismiss another as just attention-seeking.  One person, we cluck around.  The other, we think the proverbial “suck it up!” (or, even worse, say it).

How does one decide what is sympathy-worthy?

At the beginning was a small world and at the end was a small world and in between was an adventure that took us on flying elephants past pirates until we were left, fairy-dusted and wish-drenched.

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We went to Disney World last week.  We saved for two years and the final amount came from selling our baby stuff, so in the spring, Josh and I booked four tickets to Orlando, reserved a room at a hotel, and purchased five days worth of park passes.

Going to Disney World sort of feels like a giant game of double dutch where you need to time it perfectly or you get caught up in the ropes.  Go too early and you need to navigate strollers and naps.  Go too late and you miss that stage where your child believes that they are meeting real princesses.

Because our children believed they were meeting real princesses.  They stood speechless in front of Aurora and bowed for Belle and they hugged Tigger and Winnie the Pooh and told Mickey that they loved him.  I was terrified that we’d miss this window, bring them to the Magic Kingdom when they were already peeling back the edges of myth and closely examining its contents.  But we slid in under the wire and I cried watching them meet each character for the first time, going up to Mickey and Minnie after they moved on to Donald and Goofy to whisper a grateful thank you.

It’s not just gratitude at instilling a sense of magic into a turbulent and terrifying world–it’s the fact that I never thought I’d see my children meet Mickey and Minnie because in those darkest moments, I never thought I’d have children to bring to Disney World.

We went to the park while doing treatments and while watching the Spectromagic parade, Fauna saw me crying and touched her heart and then waved her wand directly at me and I made the same wish I had been making on every star, penny, and railroad crossing.  The twins know this story, believe their entire existence hinges on this moment of magic, and I allow them to believe it because why not cement the idea that the impossible can sometimes be possible?  Why not raise the next inventor or artist or dreamer?

The Spectromagic parade was bumped out of the night line-up this summer in favour of the old Electric Main Street Parade.  We lined up in Liberty Square over an hour before it was set to begin, eating lollipops and musing about which characters we’d see on the floats.  A little after 9, the lights dimmed through the park and the electronic voice announced the start of the parade and the street was filled with thousands of tiny lights.

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It was like the twins returning to the time before they were egg meeting sperm, when they were just a wish thumping against the ventricles and atriums of their parents’ hearts.  I kept whispering, “this was how it happened.  This is really magic.  I was given a wish and you came true.”

As Cinderella’s fairy godmother was about to pass, I blew her a kiss and she blew a kiss back and waved her wand at me and I made a new wish and said to Josh, “I can’t believe that I am so lucky that it could happen twice–that I was picked out of the crowd and she waved her wand RIGHT AT ME.”  And he pointed out that I am the only woman sitting in the crowd with tears streaming down my face, who is so obviously desperate for a wish, who will believe that a woman in a costume has the power to change my life.

And I do.

I didn’t really need to worry about the twins aging into cynical doubters; I’m 36 and obviously still believe that wishes can come true.

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I have one wild child and one mild child.  One wanted to ride the People Mover on a continual loop.  The other wanted to go on roller coasters and the Haunted Mansion.  We moved them through the rides as if it were a military maneuver, grabbing Fast Passes and plotting out trails through the parks on slips of paper.  We sucked the marrow out of every park, staying well-past human endurance petered out, leaving each night damp and limp.  At home, they go to bed at 7 p.m.  At Disney, they were wide-eyed and manically riding Winnie the Pooh’s honey pot at 10 p.m.

We shut out the rest of the world while we were down there.  I sometimes checked my blackberry when I was emailing out another picture of them in front of a particular landmark; I vaguely knew what was happening with friends and family, the rest of the world.

But frankly, the rest of the world feels too huge and damaging.  We created this little cocoon where the largest travesty was that Chip and Dale thwarted us five times (five times!  Seriously–we met Mickey twice and we couldn’t get a picture with chipmunks even once).  In the real world, there were hurt feelings and losses and frustrations and problems that needed solving.  In Disney, we pretended that life was just one happy boat ride down the Kali River.

It is hard to leave that bubble of magic, where things feel safe.  Not just in the gritty, danger-laden sense of the world–Disney truly feels as if nothing bad could ever happen there–but that the world is designed only to bring you light and happiness.  When we told a cast member that we had been thwarted five times by Chip and Dale, he let the twins pick out shiny pins as a consolation prize.  Where in the real world does that happen?  Where your feelings are so carefully considered, where someone listens to your tale of woe and then tries to make it better.  There are no shrugged shoulders at Disney, no dismissing your needs.  If they could do something about it, they did do something about it, and that is an element sorely lacking sometimes in my life.

Lindsay took us out for ice cream when we got back and we sat on a bench in the park while our husbands ran the kids ragged (fine, the ChickieNob was already ragged from lack of sleep and sat on a swing and cried).  It was a hard landing returning home.  Friends who listen are like receiving a pin after missing a chipmunk for the fifth time.

It is both good and terrible to be back.

Final week to participate in BlogHer’s $100 gift card sweepstakes over here.  All you need to do is click over, read my blatherings, and then answer the question to be entered.

Welcome back to your Do-it-Yourself MFA program.

Your fiction manuscript is complete or your non-fiction proposal is done.  Now, you need to find an agent.

I think it’s really important to understand what an agent does and why you need one before we talk about how to get one.  Because the first bit of information will inform the second bit of information.

You’re going to work with a lot of people as you publish your book–your editor, publisher, copyeditor, designer, publicist–but the only one who always has your back and is always on your side is your agent.  They are always looking out for you, guiding you, and helping you make good decisions.  An agent may take a percentage of your profits, but they will also usually get you more money (and protect your rights) than you could get on your own, so losing 15% of $10,000 is much better than getting to keep all of $500.

Here’s the point of an agent: the big six publishing houses and many of the smaller, independent presses, will not accept unsolicited manuscripts or queries (meaning, they didn’t ask for them) because in order to run their business, they can’t also field the requests of millions of writers all clamouring to get their book published.  But it’s easy for a publisher to keep a relationship with several hundred agents (rather than several million people) and have them act as the gateway, separating the wheat from the chaff for them.  If an agent is representing your project, they are essentially vouching for your writing abilities.

And it’s not just the filter affect: most publishers do not want to deal directly with authors.  They want to work with someone who understands the industry and so much of the initial contact is in negotiations and contracts.  A publisher does not want to negotiate directly with an author and wants that middle person so they can frankly define the relationship.  In other words, publishers want someone they can actually talk to and that person will be your agent.

That relationship with publishers is why an agent can’t just take on anything (an explanation if you know an agent personally and are frustrated that they’re hemming and hawing when it comes to your project).  They only make money if they sell a project, so their reputation is on the line.  If they keep bringing things to a publisher that would never fit their list, they will damage their own reputation and that publisher will cease to work with them in the future.  Agents take those relationships seriously and they will only pitch to a publisher if they think it’s a good fit for that publisher.

Each agent has focused on building relationships based on what sort of project excites them.  One agent I know has made a living representing a ton of vampire romance books.  If you’re writing one, she is the person to have represent your book because she rocks at selling those.  But while she has a few other types of books on her list, she wouldn’t be a great person to represent a sports title.

Which is why, when we get to the next installment of your DIY MFA, we are going to work on finding the best agents for your project.  Because it matters.  Just because someone is an agent doesn’t mean that they are going to be able to represent your project.

Agents also need to diversify their list while making those strong connections with publishers (agents, frankly, sound like they have an exhausting job, so thank your agent profusely once you get one).  Think of it like the stock market.  If they only represent vampire romance novels and the general public stops buying vampire romance novels, they’re screwed.  So they diversify by taking on similar, yet different types of books.  That same agent may do well to represent other types of romances, or other types of genre fiction–thrillers, mysteries, etc.

At the same time, publishers are making those types of diversified investments too: they are building a focused list while being flexible to go with the market.  So there are two layers of investing that is taking place–an agent needs to see your project worth their time AND a publisher needs to see your project as adding to their list.  Agents (and publishers) are essentially making an investment in you.  Agents are investing time with the pay-off being money and publishers are investing money with the payoff being that they make money by investing money (more on that when we get to publishers).

If agents make no money off of you, their investment has kept them from other investments.  So they pick carefully.  They are also looking at the long-term.  Once you sign with an agent, they are representing your future projects.  They don’t want to keep finding new clients; they want their current clients to keep producing new books.  So show them that you’re also looking at this as a long-term relationship, something worth making an investment on with long-term gains.

Last thoughts, an agent represents you–they are your voice out there in the world of publishing.  Make sure you understand that because it should be your guide in picking an agent that will work well with you.  Who will have a lot of connections and do well by your book.  After all, you take the time to surround yourself with friends who support you; you should think of your agent in the same way–they should be excited about your project and have your back.  A good agent is worth their weight in gold.

Okay class, any questions on what was discussed here? Please leave them in the comment section below and I will answer them in the comment section below. Keep in mind that I have a lot of topics to cover so your question may be answered in a future installment (see below). So keep your questions about what agents do and next time, we’ll talk about how to get an agent.

Heads Up and Looking Back: topics that will be covered in future installments or that were covered in past installments

1. Before You Even Get Started

2. Are You Ready to Be an Author?

3. How to Write a Non-Fiction Book Proposal

4. THIS POST

5. How to Find and Sign with a Reputable Agent

6. Querying Agents

7. What Happens Next–Waiting for a Book Sale

8. No Agent? Other Paths to Publication

9. What to Expect After You Sign a Book Deal

10. Be Your Own Publicist

11. A Mishmash of Leftover Questions and Answers

So, now that we are about to pass into July, this is the annual Who-Is-Going-to-BlogHer-from-the-ALI-Community list.  If you’re going, let me know in the comment section below and I’ll compile a list.  Yes, I still want to have an ALI get together while we’re all up there since it sounds like a lot of people will be able to drive into NY for the day even if they’re not going to the conference.  So I need those people who live in the area to leave a note too.

To simplify: if you are going or are in the area, write your blog name (and url) in a comment with either (BlogHer) or (area) in parentheses after your blog name so we can get a sense of who will be there.  Write (BlogHer) if you will be at the conference and write (area) if you will not, but are willing to drive in on Sunday morning.

The list will be added to constantly and can be found right here (plus, there is a link under On-Going Projects).

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I have been away on holiday, and got back last night.  It’s a hard landing into reality and I don’t really want to be home.  I feel very out-of-sorts and it’s always hard to play catch-up after being away.  I apologize if you’ve sent me an email this week.  I’m getting around to answering them this weekend.

Thank you for the blogoversary wishes.  Today is my actual blogoversary–the 25th.  Four years feels like quite the milestone.

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The video store in town is closing, a sad fact following on the heels of JJ’s recent post about the difference between Netflix and actually perusing a video store.  My high school job was at a video store which I loved because I could rent movies for free.  The original video store has since been converted into a fish market and a new one by different owners has popped up around the corner, though I fear that store is also not long for this world.

Apropos of nothing except for a desperate need to tell this story, there was a man who came in every single day I worked.  I need to repeat that–I saw him every single time I worked.  Every morning, he would come in right when the store opened and rent three porn videos.  We had a binder on the counter that had the box top in a sleeve and you could flip through the video choices and then tell the clerk the number for the video.  Most men would quietly mutter their choice, “1984, please” but Mr. D would flick through the book as if he already had it memorized (which he probably did) and then call out to one of us, “let me have 1887, 2034, and 1651–is that a good one?  I can’t even remember anymore.”

But that’s not even the remarkable part.  Every single day, he also returned at noon and returned one movie and checked out one more.  Why the hell did he do this?  Why didn’t he just check out four in the morning and return four the next day?  He always came in, checked out three, brought back one midday, checked out one more, and then returned three the next morning.

We all were dying to know why he came back–even when it was all guys working, he did the same thing–but none of us had the ovaries to ask him.

Poor Mr. D.  I’ve always wondered how the advent of Internet porn changed his morning (and midday) rituals.

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The Weekly What If: what if you could spend the day within Disney World with any Disney character (the real deal–not a person in a costume).  Who would it be and what would you do?

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I am still participating in Crystal Light’s Pure Fitness Challenge and I’m giving away a $100 gift card on my review blog.  Read and leave a comment to enter.

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And now, the blogs…

Circus Children has a post about Midsummer and celebrating it as a child.  I love the idea of picking seven flowers and trying to predict your future partner.  And this line made me smile: “I may never have dreamt about who my husband would be, but every day I wake up next to him I know he’s The One. “  It’s a lovely post about a holiday I knew little about.

Hope Springs Eternal has a very moving post about a counseling session she had with her husband and the different way they process the idea of having prior information about their infertility.  She writes, “I’m glad that we didn’t know, because I’m glad every day that I gave him a chance, I’m glad every day that I fell in love with him, and I’m glad every day that he felt the same way.  I am thankful every day that he loves me.  I don’t know that I tell him that enough.”  Her post is brutally honest and reflective and it creates an interesting what if in the mind about how knowing the future has the possibility to lead you away from wonderful things.

Lil Family Blog has a brief and sweet post about how we choose our family.  It is more that blood and legal contracts.  It is “familiarity, intimacy, love, forgiveness, and respect.”  Go over and add what you have learned about family.

Lastly, Tales from the Rat Race has a lovely twist on her own desire for parenthood.  Stronger than her need to be a mother is her wish that she could make her husband a father.  The post, coming on Father’s Day weekend, is about looking ahead and trying to hold onto hope.

The roundup to the Roundup: add yourself to the list if you are attending BlogHer this summer or will be close enough to the area for a get together.  I’ve been away, but now I’m back and it’s my Blogoversary.  What was up with Porn Man?  Answer the Weekly What If.  Still doing the Crystal Light Challenge.  And lots of great posts to read.