Posts from — May 2010

I once said that I would do anything to build my family–even to the detriment of my own health.  I certainly thought a lot about whether the fertility drugs were increasing my cancer risk, worried about very real possibilities such as OHSS.  And yes, in the back of my mind, I wondered how much we really knew about how these drugs would affect the children created in the process far down the line, but those weren’t the risks I focused on.  I worried about immediate issues such as IUGR and premature birth.  I worried about genetic disorders.  I worried that I would never parent.

Several news sites reported over the weekend about new studies that link fertility drugs and autism.  ABC News reports that children born to women who used fertility drugs are twice as likely to be diagnosed with autism.

The study, conducted by researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health and presented Wednesday at the International Meeting for Autism Research in Philadelphia, found that autism was nearly twice as common among children of women who were treated with the ovulation-inducing medicines than women who did not suffer from infertility.

In addition, “The longer women reported being treated for infertility, the higher the chances were that their child had an autism spectrum disorder.”

The study has yet to be published, nor is it complete.  These are just the initial findings.  ABC News points out that children with spectrum disorders often have older mothers, and that older mothers are more likely to need assistance to conceive, therefore begging the question–is it the treatment or age?  And Momlogic points out another possibility: “Fertility treatments are also linked to increased rates of twins, triplets, premature births and low birth rates — which are all indicators of autism in and of themselves.”

There is nothing to do with this information because the studies are still in their infant stages.  They’ve found a connection between the usage of Clomid and autism (the longer you remain on the drug, the higher your chances of having a child on the spectrum–though the threshold number of what constitutes “longer” hasn’t been given) and IVF and autism.  Nor is this new “news”: people began reporting on it back in 2006 and the subject comes up from time to time as the studies continue.

But it made me feel quiet, like I had crawled into the bottom of a sleeping bag and zipped it closed.  Curled up against the puffy down and slippery material, the space dark and muffled.

It was Shavuot last week, which meant we made like good Jews and went to the beach for a few days.  It was partially a planned trip and partially an impromptu invitation offered and accepted and suddenly, we found ourselves going over the Bay Bridge and meeting our friends for burritos and Twilight movies (our husbands’ complain, but my friend and I think they secretly love Edward and Jacob).  We read books on the beach and went to the boardwalk carnival space and ate Nicola’s pizza and generally decompressed and recharged.

The twins found an incredible amount of dead crabs and crab parts and they created Buckets o’ Dead Crab and surrounded our beach blanket with their finds.  I have to admit that I was incredibly proud of the way they plucked up every mangled piece of claw with their bare hands, muscle and mucousy membranes hanging out of the jagged edges, and deposited their finds in their beach buckets.  Even back when I was their age, I didn’t want to touch dead crabs.  I didn’t want to touch caterpillars or spiders or tadpoles or any other thing kids usually find interesting.  I was a pretty timid child and now, I’m a fairly timid adult.

One of the things that has both always interested me and always freaked me out was the haunted mansion ride at Funland.  It’s obviously a low-budget operation, but I hate having things jump out at me or being in the dark.  Or even have the chance of things jumping out at me or being in the dark even if nothing jumps out at me and it’s fairly light.  Did I mention that I’m a timid adult?

But I really wanted to go on the ride too.  I can’t really explain why.  For the last two summers, there has always been an easy out for why I didn’t try it.  But this time, we had my inlaws there too and they took the twins while we got in line.  And I have to admit, I was really scared.  But I was also jealous about the way the kids tried the rides and the way they handled the Buckets o’ Dead Crab and I realized that I needed to get over my fear of the haunted mansion ride and prove to myself that even if I can’t pick up dead animals with my hands or hug a half-chewed claw to my chest and ask Josh if we can bring it home and love it forever as my daughter did, I can face one of my fears.

The ride, of course, is exactly what you expect.  Completely dark, scary music, things jumping out at you, questionable safety system in place on the rickety boardwalk ride.  I shrieked a few times and I made Josh hold me, but I really enjoyed it and I’m glad I got through it.

You can all stop laughing now at me.

Josh and I are the type who don’t call ahead to check things.  9 out of 10 times, things go exactly as you expect them to go.  1 out of 10 times, things don’t go as planned and half the time it’s great but different and half the time it’s a Bucket o’ Dead Crab.  We decided to take my inlaws to Smith Island because they had never been to the area.  My MIL asked if we had called ahead about the ferry to make sure it was running and we admitted that we hadn’t because we never do things like that.  It’s just too sensible.

Of course, after driving almost two hours to Crisfield, we found out that the ferry wan’t running and the woman at the ferry office was somewhat gleeful in telling us this.  She told us our only option was to hitch a ride on the mail boat, but that if we did this, we’d be screwed because nothing was open on the island, it was going to rain, we would be drenched and miserable and hungry and she knew that NO ONE WOULD LET US PEE ANYWHERE ON THE ISLAND.

Seriously.

I though it was a brilliant plan to hitch a ride with the mail boat–a few other people were doing it too–so we crowded into the mail boat with the daily post and bags of fertilizer and grocery deliveries and a dog and headed off to the island with the assumption that nothing would be open and our bladders would inevitably burst because why would the good ferry lady steer us wrong?

The boat started slowly out of the marina and it was noticeably more choppy than it was when we take the ferry.  I suddenly realized that I had a lot to fear–you feel more on small boats than on large boats, the Chesapeake Bay is rougher in the spring, this boat goes a lot faster than the ferry, and have I mentioned that as much as I love being on the water, I also feel a little crazy on the water?  I am the type who could never do a cruise because I’d spend the whole time focused on the fact that I don’t have the choice to leave the cruise ship.  And that’s what I thought about as the boat picked up speed and started bouncing around on the water.

When I thought about the fact that I was stuck on the boat for 40 minutes and stuck returning on the boat, I wanted to die.  I was anxious and tense and hated the feeling of the boat bouncing.  The Wolvog was clinging to me, but I was clinging just as much to him.  At some point, my body came to realization that I needed to get over my fear and adjust because I was stuck, I was stuck in this big Bucket-o-Dead-Crab-type of an experience and I could either accept that I had gotten myself into this and would survive it, or I could spend the whole ride with my body rigid and the whole day worried about the return trip.

I discovered that I felt much better on the open-air part of the boat with the dog than I did in the cabin so I sat outside, getting damp from the spray, and even enjoying the motion of the boat once it slowed a few miles from the island.  I got to catch a glimpse of Tylerton and took photographs of Goat Island.  And even though no one but Josh and I knew how terrified I had been when the trip started out, I was damn proud of myself for being so brave.

The ferry woman’s business was indeed closed, but the restaurant, Rukes, was open and we had a great picnic on their porch even though all we bought were drinks.  Smith Islanders are gracious like that.  We peed in their bathrooms.  We walked around the island and sent ourselves a postcard from the post office.  We returned to Rukes before we left and shared slices of Smith Island cake.  It was a wonderful trip to the island and we even found a geocache hidden in Ewell (seriously, if you live in the DC area, Smith Island and lunch at Rukes is one of the best day trips you’ll ever do).

My inlaws bought me a flip camera as an early birthday present so we spent our time on the island making movies.  The very real haunted house we found works much better in story form if you get to see the video footage as well.  So give me a chance to do the sandy laundry and I’ll upload that to the site.  Prepare to crap your pants.

Unless you believe that shit about the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

I am quickly approaching the 300th Friday Blog Roundup and I am mulling over what I can do to mark the occasion.  As long as I write one weekly for the next 11 weeks, the 300th Roundup should fall on August 6th, the weekend of BlogHer.  I’d prefer to do something online rather than at BlogHer so all can participate.  But what?

A retrospective of all 1200+ featured posts?  The Roundup in video form (with others including videos showing where they write their blog)?  The 300th Roundup sung to the tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody” (I had to pick a long song since the Roundup tends to run a little long…).

Ideas?

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Today also marks the start of May’s IComLeavWe, another community project.  The list will officially close tonight around 11 p.m. EST (please forgive me if I’m slow with adding people today–I will have you up on the list if you’ve registered on time and started commenting today).

I say this almost every month at the end of the project: “IComLeavWe is about honing your own skill in writing comments, in reaching out, in attempting  to understand a blog very different from your own.”  Hopefully, there is the added bonus of receiving comments and adding new readers.  But at its heart, IComLeavWe is about being an altruistic member of a community.

That thought makes me smile.

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The Weekly What If: What if you could stop aging at one point and continue for the remaining years of your life at that age (in other words, if you chose to stop aging at 20, you would remain 20, living those college years, but you would do so for another 60 years before dying as a 20 year old).  Everyone around you would remain their same age as well (in other words, you could keep your family and friends in the same time frame).  What year would you choose and why?

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And now, the blogs…

Him + Me has a post about the world that opens up when you give up hope.  It’s about allowing yourself to feel upset, but looking at the month with a different perspective.  I thought it was a really interesting way of approaching each cycle.

The Shifty Shadow has a moving post to her daughter on what should have been her fourth birthday.  She apologizes to her daughter for having other losses remembered on her birthday too and writes, “That your death becomes more than your death, it becomes a symbol for all the little deaths, and eventually, the death of hope.”  You will not be able to read this post without crying for a girl who should be here right now.

The Infertility Doula has a post up about a new TLC show called “Pregnant at 70.”  She admits, “Before watching the show, I had a pretty good idea about what I might want to say, but now, I’m really torn.”  An interesting discussion is starting in the comment section–go jump in with your thoughts.

Allison’s Wonderland has a post about how her family is reacting to news of her upcoming IUI.  It’s a really funny, sweet post and she admits, “after a good bout of heebie-jeebies, I can say that I am sincerely touched. This wanting a child thing extends beyond me.”

Kir’s Corner has a post that will send chills down both arms as you read the story.  It’s a beautiful story of how sometimes the right person comes to you at the right time.

Lastly, Do Without Doing has a post about learning to enjoy the journey rather than looking behind or ahead.  Returning to the theme of giving up hope explored on Him + Me, this post is literally about not trying to force life.  In moving with the flow.  In soaking up the moment.  It is a lovely reminder of not missing out on what is happening right now because we’ll forget so much of it years from now.

The roundup to the Roundup: the 300th Roundup is soon approaching.  IComLeavWe kicks off today.  Answer the Weekly What If.  And lots of great posts to read.

Instead of going through the whole explanation again about how this giant love fest came to be, let’s save the space because you can click here to read about the project and find out how you can participate in the next one.

The words below come from the hearts of others around the blogosphere. If your blog is featured below, I hope you carry these good thoughts with you, use them to continue writing and continue putting your heart out there.

• I Can’t Whistle: Kate is not just an amazing writer she has the most beautiful outlook on life. Even as she endures difficult moments she finds a way to see the beauty in the stillness of a lake or deer that wander in her backyard. Her writing helps me be more thoughtful in my own life.
• I Can’t Whistle: Kate finds the beauty in this world and in everything around her, and she writes about it so eloquently and poetically.
• Sunny In Seattle: Sunny’s been through a lot with her current pregnancy and birth but she handles it all with honesty and a beautiful outlook on life. I also love the adorable stories of her little boy. She is also a very supportive blogger who doesn’t leave comments just to comment, she puts time and thought into what she says on other people’s blogs and I appreciate all the support she’s given me.
• Knocked Up, Knocked Down: Monica is an inspiration. Her strength is amazing. Her upfront and honest writing about the loss of her babies has helped many. She is a fantastic writer and her words allow the reader to feel as though they have known her forever. I have been reading along in her journey of pregnancy and cheering her through each step. I wish her and her husband endless happiness.
• Pour Away the Ocean: Eve is often hilarious, always thought-provoking. Most recently, after losing her son in utero and under threat of losing his twin sister, her writing has achieved a new clarity and beauty. The way that she expresses her emotions is brave and inspiring.
• Stirrup Queens: Mel has improved the lives of thousands, yes thousands, of women and men by bringing them together at some of the darkest times of their lives. She is as warm and sweet as cookies just out of the oven. She also plays a mean pennywhistle.
• The New Life of Nancy: Nancy is friggin’ funny and as honest as hell.  She’s not afraid to talk about things as she sees them and loves to stir up controversy.  I love the controversial posts the best because I love to read all sides of a topic so many people are passionate about.  I also love the story about Scary Guy Pills – I can’t get enough of it!
• I Want to be a Mommy: Not only has Batty Nurse struggled with IF and TTC, but she is also going at it alone.  I truly admire her for all her strength and courage and everything she has fought through.  And she still takes the time to make baby blankets for both her Etsy shop and to give as gifts to other TTCers.  She is so selfless and thoughtful of other people.  Batty Nurse deserves much love and at least an Ode!
• Barren Blog: Barren Blog is far and away my favorite.  The combination of humor and bitterness is perfection.  Sadly, she posts too little and I fear her long absence is due to yet another crushing disappointment.  Wishing you well Barren Blogger…
• The Creamery: I just love Whimsy. She’s fun and funny and happy and real. She’s a great writer, and she knows how to inspire real interaction with and among her readers. She uses pictures well (she did a photo essay recently about a tube of toothpaste that was just brilliant). She reminds me a lot of Swistle, actually, who comments a lot. I don’t know her in real life, but she just seems like one of the nicest bloggies in blogland. Plus, she has a seriously cute kid.
• The TaterTwins: Jayme is really inspiring. She’s been through A LOT, but she just keeps on living life and writing about it. She’s really entertaining and shares the cutest pics of her kids. She seems like she’s probably a really sweet person in real life.
• Waiting Lisa: Lisa is absolutely amazing. She’s authentic, sincere, and kind. Admit medical complications, adoption efforts, and general frustration with infertility, she’s hopeful. Her post “Dear Uterus” really moved me. I adore Lisa, I pray that she finally gets to adopt her little baby, to whom she’ll make an incredible mother.
• Woman Anyone?: WiseGuy is so often poignant. Her journey has been a long one but she manages to keep some humour. She has a dry wit which often leaves me laughing out loud. I never know what to expect from her and that is a big part of her charm.
• Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings: Mrs. Gamgee is one of the most generous and kind ladies I’ve ever known. Whatever you’re going through, she lends a sympathetic ear. She is one of the people I’d most love to meet.
• Creating Motherhood: Calliope continues to be one of my best bloggy friends. She is caring, witty, both deeply introspective and extroverted, and I love (and am a little jealous!) of all the ways she can seamlessly blend those qualities into her writing about the many facets of her life. Calliope never fails to warm my heart and her pick-me-up emails always land in my inbox at just the right moments. Love. her.
• Dragondreamer’s Lair: With all of her stitchery, book-reading, hilarious posts about her boys, and general feel-goodness, you’d never guess that comment queen Kristen is a thug, but she is. If a horde of crazed lunatics wielding dull, rusty PIO needles were after me, Kristen is one of the few who I’d want in my corner fighting with me. Her support for me through the past year (and more!) has been invaluable and I just want to send her a little shout-out of thug love.
• Dragondreamer’s Lair: Kristin is always there with an encouraging word.  She has helped me get through some really tough times in the past year.  She was one of the first bloggers I started reading, and I started seeing her EVERYWHERE I went to comment.  She is a major support beam of the ALI house.  I’m so glad to know her.
• Geek by Marriage: Heather is The Funny but even moreso, she has an unyielding heart. In the past year, she has been a friend in the truest sense, often selflessly going above and beyond to show her caring support. She’s a rare gem of humor, love, kick ass, and determination. I love her for it.
• Geek By Marriage: Heather is AMAZING.  She always makes me laugh and is so supportive.  She’s a true friend, though I’ve never met her in person!
• Miss Inconceivability: One of the first blogs I found when searing for others going through this IF craziness, I was immediately drawn to Frenchie’s balance of open mindedness and self preservation. She knows how to keep things in  perspective but at the same time honor her own feelings and needs.  On top of all that, she and I have an uncanny amount in common. Combine that with her sweet (but not pollyanna-ish) personality, and I desperately wish we didn’t live on opposite sides of the country so we could be IRL friends.   After adopting her beautiful son, Frechie found herself the stuff of legends with a “whoops” pregnancy that was discovered while preparing for an IUI cycle. It honestly couldn’t have happened to a better person.
• The Babbling Bitter (infertile) Bitch: Leda’s blog is relatively new, so her blog doesn’t reflect how much she cares for other people (yet). She has been an incredible force for those of us who lost pregnancies. She will cheer for you in the middle of her darkest moments and take the time to seek you out if you’ve been quiet. Leda, I’m thinking about you multiple times a day and wishing your dream will come true.
• No Oven for the Bun: Against all odds, Meg courageously blogs about her diagnosis of MRKH and how she and her husband are working to make their parenthood dreams come true. Her blogs show honesty and strength as a woman and a wife (and a future mother).
• Life According to Leah: When I first found Leah’s blog, I was won over by her down-to-earth posting. Something in her tone made me instantly like her, and as the months have passed my appreciation and admiration for her have grown tremendously. Her blog initially chronicled her and her spouse’s adoption process, and Leah’s posts have been crafted with equal measures of wisdom and patience and openness. She has done some neat things to reach out to the adoption community, even hosting guest adoption bloggers who discussed the different countries from which they were adopting. Now Leah’s blog is dedicated to both her adoption and her pregnancy–Leah found out she was expecting during her adoption process. She has navigated this complex situation with enviable grace. She is so sensitive to her readers, she leaves such kind, outreaching comments, and she is always so thorough at addressing her readers’ questions. To me she is a model blogger, and I am so excited to see her journey unfold.
• No Regrets: I love this blog because it’s honest and real.  She doesn’t candy coat how she feels and she responds to those who take her to task on her feelings with integrity and respect. Especially  when they do not give the same courtesy to her.  I appreciate her having the courage to bare it all, something that’s not easily done by everyone.
• A Fifth Season: Sometimes her posts have very few words in them but her ability to be concise does not diminish the readers ability to feel the pain behind them.  I am hoping that reintroducing herself to making music will help soften the edges of the wound she bears after losing her beautiful daughter.
• Taking the Statistical Bullet: I love how Katie recognizes other people in their IF struggles, but also posts about her day to day life with Will.  And now she’s pregnant with number 2!  Yay!  She’s just an all around great person.
• Maybe If You Just Relax: It is simple.  I simply love Jen’s sense of humor!  And hearing Olivia stories is priceless!
• Weebles Wobblog: I learn so much reading Lavender Luz’s words.  Her peaceful wisdom has become a bright spot to so many of my days.  I’m so glad I found her blog, and her.
• Delinquent Eggs: Adele rocks. She’s witty, thoughtful and insightful in her posts and she’s only been at it a few months at this point! She’s a light of joy to other bloggers with equally witty and insightful sunbeams of comments left in her wake.
• The Sweet Life: Vee’s story always leaves me feeling breathless: her powerful writing style, combined with her gutsy, moving story makes for an often tearful and yes, even laughter filled, inspiring read. Love her strength in sharing with us all the ups and downs very publicly, even though the “public” season for her is ending all too soon.
• The Mud and the Lotus: I don’t remember how I first found Sonja or if she found me, but I quickly became hooked on her down-to-earth writing style and deep compassion. Deeply spiritual and infused with Buddhist teachings, Sonja reminds me to keep things in perspective. Like any other journey through infertility, it is fraught with its own scary moments and troubles, but I always come back to Sonja’s blog for its optimism, hope, and clear-headed moments.
• Hopelessly TCC: Hopelessly writes so well.  He writes with humour and with his heart.  Plus it is so refreshing to hear a man’s voice.  He hasn’t updated his blog in a while, so I hope he’s OK.  Maybe some love from all of us will bring him out of hiding?
• A Little Blog about the Big Infertility: Sometimes you just connect with someone, and Jess is just someone I connect with.  We live on opposite ends of the earth, but some of the things we’re going through and enjoy doing are the same so it makes me feel close to her.  I just have to see the photo of her with ‘Mr Ultrasound’ on the side of her blog to feel right at home!
• Life From Here: I don’t miss a word Luna writes. Her heart is as big as her brain, and let me tell you, they are both HUGE. Her series on building her open adoption as well as the powerful story of the birth of her daughter had me (and others, judging by comments) gripped. Her posts tend to make me think and see in a new way.

Love this project?  Click here to read about it and find out how you can participate in the next one.  When is the next one?  That’s the beauty of it–you never know when these kind words will show themselves, though I always post once I have a critical mass of blurbs.

A bunch of posts on the topic of kids and their place in society have come out in the past week, jumping off of a series of newspaper articles.  At first, I didn’t think I wanted to write about it, but I realized that I was still thinking about it hours after reading each post (and reading the comments–which is something I rarely do).

I obviously have children, and wanted these children very badly, and that absolutely colours my view.

But what is wrong with this sentence: “But as the ranks of parents and their tykes have swelled, so, too, has resentment over having to accommodate them in public places.”

Since when is it okay to declare public places off-limits for a segment of the population?  Because there is a huge difference between saying that “people who talk in a movie theater annoy you and should be banned” and generalizing it to “people should be banned.”  Should people practice common courtesy in public, be respectful of the space and the people around them?  Of course.  But when they don’t, we hold our contempt for the individual or people who do those behaviours–not for all men or women in general.

There are numerous businesses in big cities that ban strollers.  Since when is it okay to ban a mode of transportation for someone unable to walk?  When would it be okay to write long articles bitching about how wheelchairs are taking up too much space on city sidewalks or how they don’t belong in restaurants.  It wouldn’t, and that’s why people don’t write those articles.  People don’t use strollers because they love to push another human being rather than have them walk alongside them.  They use strollers because the human being in question cannot walk at the necessary adult pace to keep up…or at all.

Why is it called parental entitlement if it’s a stroller and need if it’s a wheelchair?  How about we go back to seeing both modes of transportation for what they are–necessary items to transport a person from place to place.  Let’s stop thinking it’s our place to tell another person what size or make or model of said stroller or wheelchair they should have purchased.

Children are social apprentices.  They are learning how to become a part of society, and the way to ensure that children become responsible members of society is not to teach them that we can discriminate against those who bother us or annoy us or who we feel shouldn’t be allowed in our spaces.

Do I enjoy listening to a child have a tantrum while I’m trying to eat dinner?  Of course not–just as I don’t enjoy listening to people talk loudly on their cell phones or have an argument at a nearby table (and for those of you who follow me on Twitter, you know I hate being around people who wear too much perfume).  But I also understand that once I leave my house, I enter a public space which cannot cater to a single person and instead must accommodate every member of society–from young to old.

There are places that have certain social rules in place–we are quiet in libraries and can be loud at parks.  But once those social rules are met to the best of the person’s ability–after all, we wouldn’t fault someone hard of hearing for talking loudly in a library, understanding that the volume of their voice may be out of their control and we can’t fault a child who is still learning social rules to be able to grasp why their parent is telling them to be quiet or what being quiet truly means depending on the age–my preferences need to end.  If I want control of my environment, I stay home.  If I want to open myself up to experiences–both good or bad–I leave the house.

There are people who say that certain places should be off-limits to children, and I am certainly amenable to creating child-free spaces as long as we’re also amenable to creating adult-free spaces (or non-child-having spaces).  You can see where this becomes an issue.  If the coolest restaurant in town started holding up their hand at the door and peering behind you, saying, “no kid?  Sorry, you can’t come in.  This place is only for parents,” you’d probably be right pissed if you didn’t have a kid.  And since most of us who read this blog are infertile, we know how much in stings when acceptance is only implied tangentially–imagine how we’d feel if there truly were places we couldn’t walk into just because of an inability to reproduce?  If it’s an adult activity taking place in the space–such as a bar–I can understand limiting the age of the patrons.  But eating, viewing pieces of art, checking out books–these are activities that defy age.  And therefore, I don’t believe that limits should be set.

Nor do I think it’s cool when people talk about how they’re spending all this money and want a nice experience out at a restaurant.  Do any of us go into an expensive dinner thinking, “I’d love it if someone screamed at the table next to me!”  Of course not–we all want a nice experience when we’re in public.  But you’re paying for the food, you’re paying for the service.  You are not owed a nice night out by the other patrons beyond those other patrons attempting to follow social rules.

I do think that parents should parent their children and it’s inexcusable for someone to take their child out in public and ignore their behaviour without trying to mold it.  But other people also need to stop acting as if tantrums are something being done to them.  As if the only person hurting in the situation is the person who needs to observe the tantrum.

People should know their children and know their limits and not set up situations for their children to fail on the social level.  But even the best laid plans can be botched when we’re talking about a human being with free will.  Parents only have so much control over their children–there is a deep chasm where the parent’s wants end and the child’s will begins.

This feels a bit like a verbal tantrum because I truly want to scream at the people commenting on these articles and stomp my feet on the floor.  Sometimes, a tantrum is the only response when you are hearing something that defies reason.  I don’t expect this to change the mind of someone who discriminates against the very young or very old, but still wanted to get this off my chest.  Ageism is truly an issue in America.  We were all once children and we will all (hopefully) one day be old.  And we need to remember as we exist in that central valley that there is never an excuse for abusing the power of adulthood.