Bloggers Unite: Project IF
Beyond the book news, the other exciting thing I’ve been sitting on is a project I’m working on with Resolve that actually involves all of you.
Since I was honoured last year with their first best blog award at Resolve’s Night of Hope, I get to introduce and help organize Resolve’s spring advocacy project, which will choose this year’s winner of the Hope Award for Best Blog at the 2010 Night of Hope.
Did that get your attention?
Good.
Participating in the newly created Project IF is quite simple and will be held in two parts. Today kicks off the first part and the second part will go up on April 21st, just in time for NIAW, National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24–May 1).
All you have to do to participate in the first part is leave a comment below stating your biggest “what if” in regards to infertility: what if I never get to experience pregnancy? What if we can’t gather enough money to fund another adoption? What if we didn’t choose the best clinic? What if my child feels strange about being created via IVF?
In other words, take out one of the “what ifs” that keep knocking around inside your heart, keeping you awake at night, and allow the larger community to commiserate, empathize and help you carry your burden by reading your words.
The What IF List (in other words, this post and the comment section below) is open from now until April 16th. On the 16th, the list will close and 10 what ifs will be chosen to be used in part two of Project IF and directions will be given on April 21st to explain how to participate in the second part.
All blogs and bloggers who participate in Project IF will be eligible to be considered for the Hope Award for Best Blog, presented at the 2010 Night of Hope.
Let the what ifs begin, and may this project bring strength in numbers; in the commonalities that run throughout the community despite our unique diagnoses, experiences, and circumstances.
Please help spread word about this project via your own blog. If you use Twitter, the hashtag is #projectIF. Unlike last year’s Advocacy Day which necessitated a trip to Washington, D.C., this project can be completed in the comfort of your home and will hopefully have an effect on changing the way the general public thinks about infertility as well as bringing together our community.
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What IF I had never been brave enough to face using donor eggs? What IF I had never had a friend like FairyEggs who loved me enough to give me her eggs?
What if we had continued with infertility treatment after the discovery of my unicornuate uterus?
What if we had tried to do a domestic infant adoption instead of adopting internationally?
What if we adopt a second time and it doesn’t go as well as it has with our first?
What if we didn’t have fertility problems and had the two kids on the schedule I privately imagined when we first started trying?
I feel like such a fraud for even posting here, since I am not dealing with IF. I “only” lost one pregnancy… The only good thing that came out of it was my finding the ALI community. My life is richer now that I know all of you.
These are my ‘what if’s.
What if something goes wrong with my current pregnancy and I end up empty handed again? This is sending chills down my spine. I try hard not to think about the answer to this one. Because you don’t know which side of the statistic you are until something happens to place you somewhere. And I pray that what is to happen puts me on the bright side.
What if some of my friends (on- and offline) end up without the children they so much desire? How can I help them effectively, when I can understand so well their yearning and their devastation should this become true? And I have absolutely no idea what I could say or do for them without being fake or lying?
What if my child inherits one of the family mental illnesses or the alcoholism?
What if, despite my great desire have children and be a wonderful parent, I end up being a worthless one?
You can see how positive I think, since I have not included myself in the ‘what is some of my friends end up childless’ question. This is not because I think of myself as already a parent, but because I know what we would do, should this be the outcome for my husband and me, we have already talked about this. But sadly what the solution is for us is not valid for other couples or single friends. This is why I am not included in that question. I just wanted to clear this one up, because otherwise I come off a bit snobbish, and I surely am not, not in this respect, at least.
What if I am able to get pregnant with a sticky bean? How are we to deal with the 7 years of infertility treatments and recurrent loss enough to enjoy the experience? What if we are too scared to be happy? Is this one more thing infertility will rob me of? What if infertility stole our Happily Ever After?
What if my sisters have babies before me?
What if I have to learn to live childfree with a smile….forever?
What if I can’t get up the guts to tell our friends about our struggle?
What if the cradle we built is never filled?
What if… one of our twin boy’s disabilities were caused by the fact that he’s a twin, or that we did IVF? What if he would have been a singleton, would he have been “unaffected?”
What IF my embryos that were transferred during my IVF don’t stick? That means that we will not have the option to be parents. What IF our one miscarried baby was the only chance that we had? What IF we have gone through loss, infertility, and in-vitro for nothing? If this is the case then I hope that we learned something from it and will be better people for it on some level.
What if my husband refuses to go through treatments again to give our daughter a sibling? What if I resent him forever because of that?
What if I outlive my husband and die alone?
What if this sadness continues to touch everyday of my life?
What if my dog is the only “child” I ever have?
What if they find out that fertility drugs cause cancer?
What IF my son is our only child? Will I always feel resentment toward my siblings for being able to conceive without a problem (not having any infertility issues) and have more than one child? And futhermore will my heart always break when they say “Oh you’ll have another… just be patient it’s in God’s hands,” while they’re popping out another sibling to add to their brood because they’ve never taken the time to listen to my struggle, know what’s involved, and try to understand it?
What IF the only kids I will ever get to ‘mother’ are my stepchildren, who already have a mother?
What IF IVF works for us – how will I shift from the task of getting pregnant to actually preparing to HAVE A CHILD?
What IF I never have a child, my husband dies, the stepchildren are attending to their own mother, and I’m left all alone?
What if one or more of our pregnancy losses (two miscarriages and an interstitial ectopic pregnancy) had been healthy “normal” embryos (or implanted in the “right” place)? How would our family be different? How would I be different? Would I have ever found out that if I eat better and exercise regularly that I could become as healthy and fit as I have over the past five years? Would I have become as sensative and compassionate with others who have experienced losses and/or tragic life experiences as I feel that I have grown to be?
What if we had never done any A.R.T. cycles? Would we still have been able to to conceive again on our own?
What if we decide to try again with one or more of our remaining frozen embryos instead of donating them for stem cell research? If we do and any of them actually implant and develop, will they have severe and rare congenital heart defects, like Molly did?
What if after all these years trying to build/expand our family we really are “done?” What if we actually get to make that decision, instead of being told by a medical professional that we “shouldn’t” have more children or that they don’t think it is a good idea?
What if I don’t believe everything happens for a reason anymore, but I am able to see the many wonderful things that have come from the roller coaster ride we have been on dealing with secondary infertility, pregnancy loss and neonatal death?
What if I am able to live in the moment more going forward in my life? Will it help me to be happier then when I focus too much on the past or the future?
What if Mel never started Stirrup Queens? I don’t want to know the answer to that one and am glad none of us will ever have to wonder about that one. Thanks Mel! Another fabulous idea! 🙂
What if the only babies I ever get to carry are my angel babies? What if I will eternally be known as “Auntie” and never “Mommy”? Thank you Mel for starting this, you are an amazing person and this is such an amazing thing you are doing for all of us IFers out there 🙂 You are an angel in your own right.
I was intially very excited by this, but the more I read, the harder I cried.
I’m still excited, but feeling a little somber. Thank you so much for every ounce of effort you’ve put into awareness. I am so proud of this community.
What if I can’t have another? Will I ever be able to let go and enjoy the gift I have been given?
What if the dark cloud of depression that descended upon me during my infertility and miscarriages never fully lifts?
What if my children are stricken with the same fertility issues that my sister and I suffered? I could survive a full-body slide over broken glass followed by a bath in rubbing alcohol every day before I could stand the pain of watching them endure what we did.
What if the self-loathing and body image problems that plague me due to years of infertility affect Megan’s outlook? Will she automatically think she is fat, defective, broken?
What if Liam marries a woman who is infertile and he isn’t supportive of her?
What if I had never found the ALI community and my TOOTPU buddies? [shudder]
What if my husband never changes his mind about adopting?
What if my daughter is resentful that she never had any siblings?
What if I never get over the sadness?
What if my son hates me for being donor conceived and rejects me?
What if after losing my husband to cancer I am so saddened by the fact that my son is not biologically my husbands?
What if my son can not cope with the fact that he doesn’t have a father biological and/or non-biological after my husband passes?
What IF I spend all of this effort trying and praying to be a mother; then when I finally am one, I’m a terrible one…
What if I had lost my son after going into sudden early labor?
What if I can never have another child (we have been trying for more than two years now)?
What if my relationship with my sister who is CHOOSING not to have children becomes strained because I cannot understand her choice?
What if I can never get my body to work the way it should?
What if I’m successful in my fertility treatments and my child has fertility problems of their own? I would feel guilty for the rest of my life knowing that their troubles of conceiving were because of my genetics
What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life?
What IF somewhere along this journey, I completely lose the real me? What IF the medications, failed attempts, depression, and bitterness erase the person I used to be? What IF I am never my old, joyful self again?
What if nobody criticized you for choosing fertility medications to conceive and instead was supportive all along?
What if the only children I ever have are just 8 cells?
What if I never get to do all the things I’ve put on hold in my life for “once I get pregnant…”?
What if I never get to turn that “spare room” into a nursery, like we’ve been planning since the moment we bought the house? Won’t that room always be haunted by what might have been?
What if Christmas morning is always just me and my husband?
What if I never get to read my children “Charlotte’s Web”, “The House on Pooh Corner”, or “The Wind in the Willows”?
What if I never get to teach a child about wild honeysuckle in the summer, or go apple picking in the fall?
What if I have to explain to our parents that they’ll never be grandparents? What on earth do I say?
What IF my family rejects me because I have adopted children?
What IF I don’t believe that I am really going to get to keep them until it’s too late.
What If… our boys resent us for the way they were conceived.
What if I fail in my promise to my lost babies: That they will not die in vain and that I will use their deaths to help others? I made this vow and yet look at all of these people in these comments above and below who are still suffering and that I haven’t been able to help. Reaching out to others, being a spokesperson for infertility and pregnancy loss, fostering legislative and social change in fertility, that is my tribute to the children that I have lost. What if I don’t live up to the job, to their legacy?
What if my daughter grows to resent us because of all the time an energy that we have spent on the hope of concieving again? What if she comes to believe that we have done it because she “isn’t good enough”?
What if we come to resent ourselves for all the wasted emotional energy that has been spent on infertility, when we could have redirected that energy toward our daughter?
What if infertility has made us terrible parents because it has managed to steal a considerable portion of our attention?
What if we never have another child and LJ is burdened with making hard decisions on her own when we are in our twilight years. Will she be able to handle making decisions for us if we are unable to do so for ourselves?
What if our angel daughter was our only chance to experience pregnancy and have a child?
What if I can never trust my body and instincts again?
What if all these hormones have a negative impact on my future health?
What if I am never completely happy because I am not a mother?
What IF 12 years ago was my one and only chance? What IF my DH doesn’t forgive me?
What IF we use our last $30,000 for “one more try” and it doesn’t work?
What if we can’t afford to adopt a sibling? What if we never get chosen by an expectant mother when/if we do try to adopt again?
We’ve already been waiting 20 months. What if an expectant mother never chooses us to be parents?
What if I were able to finally help women extend their fertility in a very simple, affordable way with almost perfect results? What if egg freezing were the way to do it? What if that would be part of the answer?
What if my dogs are the only kids I get to have?? What if we keep spending all this money on IVF and they really haven’t figured out how to get me past 8 weeks and I have my 6th miscarriage??
what if I never know the joy of life growing inside me?
what if, what if, what if, there are too many too list
What if I get a hysterectomy and I end up wishing I could take it back?
What if I can’t support my friend enough through her infertility journey and protect her from the hurt and pain of it all?
What if she has to endure the many cycles like myself and gives into it before she has her own child?
What if I fought harder to keep my uterus?
What if the clinic froze my 20 eggs instead of proceding after my DH had high fevers with the swine flu that obliterated his swimmers.
What if we try and try and try and are never successful?
What if I had started trying to build my family at a younger age, rather than focusing on my career? Would I have been able to have a successful pregnancy if I were younger?
What if the last 2 years of trying, miscarrying, and having to deal with an ectopcic could have been avoided if my doctors had not misinterpreted and misinformed me about my first hysterosalpingogram films, and had just proceeded with a tubal surgery before putting me through the last two years of hell as if I were their lab rat to experiment on?
What IF, one day, this will truly be behind us, ALL of us?
(Sorry, I detoured from my biggest fear to my biggest dream!)
What if we didn’t keep trying?