Posts from — February 2010

It turns out, that the fastest way to make the Internet implode is to have a state send a crazy miscarriage bill to the governor on the same week that a woman live-tweets her abortion.  Something about the hashtag #livetweetingabortion coupled with the idea of a woman paying $150 to have someone beat her into a miscarriage makes people talk.

I think Josh has been rubbing off on me and his penchant to make jokes when he’s nervous.

I’m rarely nervous to publish a blog post, but my heart is pounding as I write this.  I don’t even know what I’m worried about; after all, my blog is merely a recording of my thoughts.  But abortion is a different bag of hair.

I think the reason that most people do not write about abortion isn’t that there isn’t discussion to be had, but because the comments that come after writing about abortion are so stressful that sometimes the influx of craziness isn’t worth the expression of the ideas.  Which is, when you think about it, a sad example of self-censorship.

Opportunities to talk about abortion beyond rhetoric rarely come around because so few want to be subjected to the commentary that follows when they talk about the act–either the congratulatory remarks from people who dismiss the entire emotional side of abortion or the scathing and scary vitriol spewed by those who condemn the action (and, apparently, the person who commits the action too).  We are taking something that needs to be discussed–especially on the personal level–and making people keep quiet just to save themselves from the backlash that follows the act.

As the woman admitted in an interview: “I think any time that we are silent about things or secret about things, it is unhealthy. I say this as a sexual abuse survivor. When I stopped keeping secrets [about the sexual abuse] and starting telling somebody, life got better.”

I’m trying to not censor myself on my own blog.

Abortion is a medical procedure but we have turned it into a question of ethics.  Where else do we chastise someone for taking care of themselves physically or emotionally?  Where else do we dictate another person’s medical decisions from afar and believe we know better than the person living the life?

We can take any other medical procedure and debate whether it’s gross or weird to tweet about it, but when we talk about abortion, we talk about it in terms of ethics rather than societal thresholds on privacy.  Tweeting your colonoscopy (or live broadcasting it on television a la Katie Couric)=cool, yet a little nasty.  Tweeting your abortion=burn in hell.

I support abortion rights.  It may seem contradictory–an infertile woman who supports the abortion option?  And writing about it in the same week that I mourned my first miscarriage?  But restricting access to abortion is just one step away from restricting access to fertility treatments, and I would like to retain control over what happens in my uterus.  I don’t believe we should get into grey areas deeming some abortions ethical and others not; stating that within certain situations, it’s merciful and in others, it’s irresponsible.  It’s a slippery slope once you step onto the rights of others, and anyone who favours outlawing or restricting abortion and is also infertile should consider how they would feel if the reach of the general public went into their body; went towards restricting assisted conception, making the use of fertility drugs illegal.

It’s not that far a jump.  We already saw states try to enact laws restricting IVF in the past year.

Do I think live-tweeting an abortion is a noble or wonderful thing to do?  Well, no.  I really hope this doesn’t start a trend of people live-tweeting their abortions any more than I want people to live-tweet their births.  But I do think that sending her words out there was a powerful act that is ultimately helpful for those who encounter the information.

I am drawn to this story because it is, at its core, about education.  It has opened up an enormous discussion that is extending into all the nooks and crannies of female genitalia including cervical cancer and the HPV vaccine.  It’s about making sure the women who come after you have a heads up that you never got to receive.  It’s catharsis for those who have experienced an abortion with RU-486 to know that they’re not alone.  And I can never see education as a bad thing.

Good teaching conveys information.  It’s not meant to influence your opinion or tell you how to think.

We are drawn to social media because we are social creatures.  We thrive on making connections, exchanging information, and gathering support from others.  Even if there are times when I see information or support being gathered on Twitter and I think to myself, “I would never tweet in that moment,” I am also open-minded enough to understand that what works for me might not work for another person.  So I can see the need, when you are in an emotionally fragile state, about to embark on an act that weighs heavily on your heart, to reach out to people via social media applications such as Twitter.

I would like to try to discuss abortion without the discussion withering into a series of accusations and vitriol.  Let’s start with the basic understanding that we all believe different things, and that’s okay.  That we don’t have to share the same beliefs in order to listen to one another.  That just because something seems right to me, doesn’t make it right for you.  And vice versa.  That we can divorce the person from the action, and understand that a person is the sum of millions of moments and not one situation.  That there are plenty of rights I can support, even if I wouldn’t partake in utilizing that right.

At the end of the day, I want my kids to inherit a world where they have choices.  I want to know that doors aren’t closed to them if they need those doors to be open.  So yes, I believe that abortion needs to be an option for all women.  And just as I started Operation Heads Up because I believe that hearing someone’s personal experience is just as if not more important than the dry information a doctor can convey about a procedure, I think that having someone live tweet their abortion can only be a good thing for other women who find themselves at Planned Parenthood, needing to utilize RU-486, and scared out of their minds.  It’s important for social creatures to know that they’re not alone.

What are your feelings about the woman live tweeting her abortion with RU-486 in order to create a written record–physically and emotionally–of the experience for a woman who takes the same route in the future?

Edited to add (after the first 10 or so comments): hello, America, this is what it looks like to have a respectful discussion on abortion with both sides welcome and encouraged to speak and be heard.  I am really proud of how we are talking about it without disintegrating into name calling or hysteria.  Thank you to everyone who is adding their thoughts–especially the ones that respectfully disagree with me because it’s important to be challenged and consider the whole picture.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

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1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (ttc after losses, books, cooking)
3. In Due Time (infertility, pcos, life)
4. Waiting for Sunflower (pregnancy, gestational diabetes, infertility)
5. All Aboard the Pity Boat (infertility, exercise, life)
6. ErnieGirl is TTC (undiagnosed infertility condition)
7. Our Surrogacy Adventure (surrogacy, donor eggs, pcos)
8. Blogging MoRe (love, marriage, friendship)
9. Sparkly Things Distract Me (donor embryos, 40+, stuff)
10. Wishing4One (IVF, Egypt, life)
11. Baby On Mind (IVF, ttc#1, unexplained)
12. No Suzy Homemaker (family, babyloss, life)
13. Hopelessly TTC (MFI, azoospermia, guy’s perspective)
14. Everyone Else But Me (icsi, FET, hysteroscopy)
15. Your Great Life (fertility coaching, women, self-belief)
16. Infertility And Me (male factor infertility)
17. Blurbs by Jennifer (kids, work, life)
18. The Egg Drop Post (infertility, adoption, spirituality)
19. Parenthood for Me (infertility, adoption, coping)
20. Journey to the End of the Rainbow (acupuncture, IVF, infertility)
21. Journey Through Infertility and TTC (pregnancy, family, baby)
22. Holy Moly Toledo(s)! (twins, infertility, life rambles)
23. Letters to My Unborn Child (love, baby, waiting)
24. Our Journey, but Not Our Plan… (adoption, iui, m/c)
25. Stress Free Infertility (support, tips, success)
26. Paisley Blooms (someday) (infertility, ttc, life)
27. My Ordinary Miracles (parenting, twins, toddler)
28. Thoughts from A Blonde (infertility, family, life)
29. Our Incredible Journey (adoption, special needs)
30. Baby Magnesi (ttc, infertility, family)
31. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
32. Woman Anyone? (unexplained IF, primary sub-fertility, blah advice)
33. Baby Dreams (ttc #2 with pcos, infertility, life)
34. Life with Endometriosis and PCOS (pcos, endo, waiting)
35. PandaBox33′s Blog (love, life, everything)
36. Half as Many Chances (infertility, hypothalamic amenorrhea)
37. The Subfertile Frugalista (pg after loss, shopping, frugal musings)
38. The Road Less Traveled (infertility, IVF, pregnancy)
39. The Birds and the Bees (ivf, infertility, unexplained)
40. My Infertility Woes (ttc, spirituality, life)
41. Tenaciously TTC (secondary infertility, loss, FET)
42. Not The Path I Chose (RPL, IVF, pregnant with twins)
43. A Virtual Hobby Store and Coffee Shop (news, books, music)
44. Creating a Family (adoption, infertility, adoptive parenting)
45. The Barreness’s Blog (parenting after infertility)
46. The Bushey Life (ttc, life, infertility)
47. Exploring Chaos (baby after IF, weightloss, life)
48. Write, Baby, Repeat (adoption, infertility, writing)
49. My Life’s Journey (infertility, miscarriage, loss)
50. All My Peccadilloes (recovery, loss, waiting)
51. Infertile Myrtle (parenting after infertility)
52. A Half Baked Life (food, workingmomhood, infertility)
53. Oh Sanity, Wherefore art Thou? (parenting after IF/loss, life, random)
54. Mindful Meandering (adoption, infertility, parenting)
55. Communique (life, infertility, ivf)
56. The Babbling Bitter Bitch (humor, clomid, secondary infertility)
57. Hopes and Dreams for Us (childfree living, life, cooking)
58. For the Love of Shoes…and a Baby, Too (ivf, infertility, everyday life)
59. My Lovely Lady Bump (ttc, charting, pregnancy)
60. Wheresmy2lines (repeat ivf’s, pcos, life)
61. Return to Innocence (PPD, IF, recovery)
62. Infertility: The (Type A) Nightmare (infertility, taking a break, IUI)
63. Inconceivable! (ttc, infertility, family)
64. The (In)fertility Diaries (new IF, TTC, life)
65. A Greater Yes (infertility, embryo adoption, pregnancy)
66. Putting the Fun in Infertility (cancer, ivf, icsi)
67. It Only Takes One Time…Not! (MFI, IVF-ICSI, pregnancy)
68. Not a Fertile Myrtle (mfi, pcos, endometriosis)
69. Wistfulgirl’s World (PCOS, ttc, life)
70. Determined to have joy (infertility, inspiration, life)
71. We Got Hitched. We bought the 4 bedroom house. Now what??? (twin pregnancy, recurrent loss, randomness)
72. Riding the IVF Roller Coaster (ivf, stress, miscarriage)
73. Fertility Chick (infertility, humour, pcos)
74. In The Name of the Father (male infertility, humour, male perspective)
75. And Baby Would Make 3! (ttc, pcos, clomid)
76. AnxiousMummy (IUI, TTC, ectopic)
77. A + B, Waiting for C (IUI, waiting, distractions)
78. Through The Eyes Of a Stranger (infertility, anything, adoption)
79. Find Joy Now (humor, life, what now?)
80. Such A Good Egg (1st-time-IUIer, distractions, excited)
81. fickleinpink, the dark side (relationship meme life)
82. My Walking Path (nature, writing, photos)
83. The Yerkes Life~Learning to Embrace God’s Plans (ivf, faith, family)
84. Are We There Yet (fibroid free, IVF abroad, Hungary)
85. Evolutionary Dead End? (ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, ttc after loss)
86. Praying for a Family (pcos, bitterness, fostering)
87. Once an Infertile (septated uterus, endo, IF struggles)
88. Wait, What? (unexplained, IVF, pop-culture)
89. Big Belly or Bust (miscarriage, TTC, exercise)
90. The Pregnant Yuppy (infertility, ttc, miscarriage)
91. Venting Vagina (FET, acupuncture, LOL)
92. Raising Miles (parenting after IF, baking, randomness)
93. Cape Girl’s Journey (stillbirth, inferility, IVF)
94. chrissy (infertility, adoption, openness)
95. Raining Raining (fost/adopt, life, fertility)
96. The Fiegels (life, infant son, toddler son)
97. Knock Me Up, Doc (fertility shots, infertility)
98. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, parenting after 40)
99. On Tap for Today (life, humor, Boston)
100. Living With PCOS (ttc, secondary infertility, pcos)
101. The Gal Who Wants to be Anywhere But Where She Is (longterm infertility loss)
102. Impatiently Waiting for a Baby (ivf, condo, injections)
103. Tammy’s Journey (donor embryos, Christian, family)
104. The Pitter-Patter (pregnancy, marrakech, life)
105. My Basic World (miscarriage, unexplained, IVF#1)
106. Hope for Healing (endometriosis, pcos, chronic pelvic pain)
107. Adventures in Glass (twin pregnancy after IVF, life)
108. Trying Not to Scream (iui, infertility, life)
109. Alex’s Adventures (infertility, decisions, hope)
110. In the Middle with You (infertility, loss, life)
111. Being Joyful Always (infertility, weight loss, healthy eating)
112. I Will Be A Mom … Someday (infertility, faith, hope)
113. That’s My Answer (question of the day, fun, life)
114. Outside My Head (life, motherhood, photos)
115. Pollination Chronicles (MFI, fertilization defect, ICSI)
116. My Glass Case of Emotion (infertility, loss, IVF)
117. Busted Plumbing (pcos, ttc, awesomeness)
118. Houston, We Have a Problem (secondary infertility, life)
119. Oven Seeking Bun (pcos, follistim, yoga)
120. Junebug’s Musings (IF, angst, hodgepodge)
121. Hope in Virginia (pregnancy after IVF)
122. Her Womb, Our Hearts (domestic infant adoption, army wife, faith)
123. My Infertility Diaries (infertility marriage grief)
124. The Conceivable Future (RPL, infertility, IVF)
125. The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow (I Hope) (recurrent loss, hope, marriage)
126. Overcoming Obstickles (infertility, acupuncture, clomid)
127. A Tale (of the Trials and Tribulations) of Trying (pregnancy, anxiety and depression, pregnancy loss)
128. Fearlessly Infertile (IVF, miscarriage, military)
129. CD1 Again (clomid, infertility, life)
130. Romancing the Stone (pregnancy, love, ivf after 40)
131. Hoping For Another Little One (ttc#2, iui, family)
132. Twists of Fate (pregnancy after loss)
133. Mommy In Waiting (azoospermia, infertility, ttc)
134. Ready To Be A Mom (infertility, ivf, hope)
135. My So-Called Life (mthfr, pcos, chemistry)
136. My Elusive Baby (infertility, treatments, uncertainty)
137. Hope in Briarrose (pregnancy, life in general, gestational diabetes)
138. IF In Big Sky Country (pregnancy, infertility, life)
139. Body Diaries by Lucy (pregnancy, pcos, if)
140. Off to See the Wizard (secondary IF, IVF, ectopic)
141. Random Thoughts from Angie (ttc, life, family)
142. My Stories: An IFer’s blog (IUI #3, unexplained infertility, life)
143. Inconceivable?! (IVF, NOA, life)
144. The Unfair Struggle (male-factor, life, speedskating)
145. Partners In Crime (twins, humour, life)
146. The Road Worth Traveling (pregnancy, fitness, life)
147. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, life, ttc #3)
148. The Journey of Life (pregnancy, infertility, life)
149. The Adventures of a New Mom (baby, recipes, stories)
150. Life and Love in the Petri Dish (humor, hope (after 5 miscarriages), IVF #6 (in progress))
151. Our Journey (life, ttc, hardship)
152. The Turning Of Paige (infertility, teaching, weight loss)
153. The Buonanno Family (children, life, family)
154. The list is closed for March.  The April list will go up on the 30th.

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BlogHer had a good post this week on publishing full or partial feeds.  I obviously publish a partial feed now.  Posting a full feed wasn’t a problem for the first few years of this blog, back when the blogroll was small and traffic was under 1000 visitors per day.  I posted a full feed because I know it’s more convenient for those who use a feed aggregator to read blogs.  Hell, I prefer full feeds–they are certainly easier.

About two years ago, spammers started to lift posts from my blog using the full rss feed.  In other words, I’d post on Stirrup Queens, and because people had set up my feed to run on a spam blog, it would appear there too.  Annoying, right?  Except it turned into a larger problem, namely, that if someone searched for “endometrial biopsy” in Google, the first page showed Stirrup Queens and a bunch of spam blogs.  Making the informative post that Carolyn wrote look less legitimate because it was appearing here and on spam blogs, and also pushing any real blogs off the front page of Google, so no one could find your post about your endometrial biopsy.

But this wasn’t the only problem–I link to people a lot, both through the weekly Roundup and random posts.  The entire LFCA is a flow of links out to other blogs.  And the blogs I was linking to were also getting picked up by the spammers.  Which is why you may notice that I try not to link to external blogs in my first paragraph, the one that shows up in the feed.  That way, I protect your blog as I protect mine.

So, that’s the reason why I have a super annoying partial feed, a solution that I picked up at BlogHer.  And I am grateful that you still read me with this pain-in-the-assiness between us, but it has curbed a lot of the spammers because they’re just not as interested in partial feeds (which is not to say that the partial feed doesn’t show up places too, but you now need to get to the 4th page in a Google search to see them).  And it helps keep the useful information that appears in posts such as Operation Heads Up useful.

I know there are some people who emphatically state that they won’t read blogs that publish a partial feed, and that’s totally within their right.  I personally don’t care whether the person publishes a full feed or a partial feed, though I have to admit that I rarely read a blog post if I can’t see the first few lines (as in, only the title or a quote from the middle of the post is published in the feed) mostly because it feels like wasted time.  I don’t mind starting to read the post in the Reader and then continuing on the blog, but I hate reading a summary of what I’m about to read.  See, we all have our little preferences.  And I also prefer cooking blogs to truncate their feeds.  I have one that I read and if I want to skip to the next post because I don’t like the recipe, I have to scroll through 30 pictures to get to the next post.

*******

Weebles Wobblog has opened up her annual limerick contest and these are my submissions (post your own entries on your blog and enter by March 1st):

There once was a Dragondreamer
Who was quite the post weaver
She contemplated UFOs
And crocheted hats with bows
And nothing ever seemed to peeve her.

Lindsay, obsessed with her Greys
Could sit on the sofa for days
And stare at McDreamy
Without getting screamy
Though Patrick makes it hard to behave

I wish I could enter more than two because I think these will really make my MFA program proud that they gave me that degree.

*******

The Weekly What If: what if you had a monitor in your house that could tell you as you woke up whether you would have a good day or a bad day before you ever left the house (it has been programmed to know your view of “good” or “bad” so you would always agree with the machine by the end of the day).  Would you want to know?  Would it be worse to know you are going to have a crap day and have to get through it or would it be better to know that it’s going to be terrible and not deal with anxiety all day?

*******

The food store was sold out of our usual brand of chips–Route 11 potato chips–so I went to buy a bag of Kettle Chips, knowing that they’re pretty similar and saw that they were now making a baked version.  I’m usually not a fan of baked chips simply because they don’t look like they are made out of potatoes.  But something told me that it would be a good idea to buy a bag.

Holy McShittersteins, these were the best fucking chips I have ever had.

I got the salt and vinegar ones, which were so insanely good, I could have finished the whole bag standing up in the kitchen.  They look like real slices of potato–like a normal chip–as opposed to the baked ones I’ve had before that look like freeze dried…something.  My only complaint is that there is no sour cream and chive flavour in the baked version.  The lesson learned is that impulse purchases can sometimes be a very good thing.

*******

And now, the blogs…

Holy Moly Toledo(s)! has a post about a radio show discussing Nadya Suleman.  Balancing both sides of the issue, Soo.See points out that there are no free rides when judging another person.  That attempting to reach parenthood in one person isn’t noble and foolish in another.  Because like so many other things, it’s a slippery slope once we start judging another person’s decisions.  I like this post because it neither condemns nor celebrates Suleman, but instead simply asks people to think before throwing stones.

Four of a Kind has a post about being finished with having children.  Once they receives news about the chance of having another child with the same medical conditions as Molly, they make a soft decision to end family building, but she states: “That said, it is one thing to come to that decision on our own and felt very different to me last week when I was under the impression that someone else, the Pediatric Geneticist, was discouraging us from going down that road again.”  I love the end of the post, bringing together the concept of the alpha and the omega.  It’s just a gorgeous read.

Creating Motherhood has a post about making a wish.  It’s a tiny, beautiful post, and you will laugh by the time you hit the last line.

Dreaming of Quiet Places has two letters that she needs to write (and not send) to her ex-husband; one stating the things she misses about him and one to vent her anger.  It is a powerful post, dissecting the ending of a marriage, yanking up memories from deep wells of hurt.  It is cathartic to read on her behalf; I can’t imagine how cathartic it was to write it and get it out of her head and heart.

Lastly, IF Optimist, then… has a post about the overwhelming fears she has during pregnancy.  She admits, “Now I feel their presence, they are tangible in a new way that my heart cannot describe.  The thought of losing it all fills me with dread.”  It is the last paragraph that speaks so loudly to me, that is familiar and makes my heart race just from the memory of it.  And my only advice, since she asks for it, is through it.  Is just wading through and feeling what you need to feel.  Because denying those feelings don’t make them disappear.  So talk them out, writes them out, and watch the clock if it brings even a minute of comfort.

The roundup to the Roundup: why I have a partial feed.  Limericks!  Answer the Weekly What If.  I love baked Kettle Chips.  And lots of great blog posts to read.

My first loss happened on the Fast of Esther, which is traditionally the day before Purim, but on years where Purim falls right after Shabbat, the fast is held on a Thursday.  As in, today.

I wrote about it over here and would love it if you read it in order to understand the rest of this post.

This morning, it occurred to me that even though I ran to the food store two times yesterday, I forgot to pick up a chocolate Yoohoo.  It’s what I drank to break the fast that occurred after my first loss, and as a nod to that baby-that-wasn’t I usually break all subsequent Fast of Esthers with a chocolate Yoohoo too.  I am, if nothing else, a creature of habit and traditions.

I am only fasting today while the house is quiet.  The point of fasting in Judaism is to turn the person inward and use the lack of consumption as a focusing point.  There are no points for simply denying yourself food.  So once the ability to think is gone, replaced by the noise that comes from the twins-that-are, I will sit down and have lunch with them.

I wondered whether or not to blog right now, but this is one of my quiet, contemplative spaces.  The thoughts, I decided, don’t have to solely occur in my head and this is as much meditation as what occurs when I’m running or sitting on the sofa.

This holiday is–at its core–about courage.  I think it takes a lot of bravery to go through infertility or loss; regardless of the actions of family building that stem from infertility or loss.  I don’t want this misunderstood that I’m saying that fertility treatments are brave or adoption is brave.  I mean, yes, they are, but they’re besides the point today.

I think it’s brave to put your heart out there, to want something so badly, to allow your entire being to get wrapped up in the potential life of another person.  If we make that leap to love a partner or family member or friend, we do so knowing that person, having met them, knowing our compatibility or history.  But when we put our entire heart into the idea of a child, we do that bravely.  Without answers or information or sometimes even a true understanding of what it will be like to parent.  It’s the difference between walking into a lit or dark room.  It’s not amazing that I would go to the ends of the earth for Josh; but I do find it brave to go to the ends of the earth for someone you haven’t met yet.

For everyone who has put their heart into the unknown, have left it there for months or years, not knowing if it would ever return back to your body in the form of your wish, I am thinking about you today.  I am thinking about myself.

And now, I’m going to go have a good cry in the shower.  Which is sometimes better than a chocolate Yoohoo.

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Let’s begin.

On Tuesday, I went into the post office to mail my first batch of mishloach manot and I brought the postal workers their annual basket of cookies and candies.  I asked if Joel was working because I knew he always looked forward to the hamantaschen and had asked back in January if it was getting close to Purim.  “He retired,” the postal worker admitted.  “Two weeks ago.”

She pointed out that even the retired still have to pick up their daily mail, so she put the hamantaschen in his mailbox.  But it really blew my mind that he wouldn’t be there anymore when I came in to pick up my mail or send a package.  I don’t have a picture of Joel, so this rendering in Microsoft Paint will have to suffice.

Just to let you know the sort of guy Joel is, when we did the March of Dimes walk and wore the Team Lennox and  Zoë t-shirts, I went to mail them (after I washed them, after I washed them; I want it noted that I did not send Allison skanky shirts) and told Joel how special and irreplaceable they were and he left his station to walk them through the whole mailing process in the backroom and place them directly on the mail truck so he could promise me that the package didn’t get lost on its way out of the facility.  How many people would do that?  He would tell me dirty Tiger Woods jokes when I came in to get my mail.  He would give me extra boxes to fill at home so I didn’t have to package things at the post office.  And he always gave me free tape from his stash of post office tape even though I was supposed to bring my own adhesive.

He was a great postal worker and I’m sorry that he won’t be there in the morning anymore when I go to pick up my mail, but I hope he enjoys retirement and does fantastic things and still gets to enjoy the hamantaschen when he comes to pick up his own letters.

What are you showing today?

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