Comments on: Missed Announcements

By: Bea

Bea — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 22:19:19 +0000

I can see why you feel slighted. At the same time, after all the infertility we never really made an announcement. This wasn’t mindlessness or trying to protect anyone, we just kind of felt exhausted by it all and needed a rest. We were waiting to feel safe. We were wanting to keep a piece of things to ourselves. We just wanted to not think about babies for a while and, though this might sound strange, being properly pregnant was our best chance in years, and was going to be the only chance for some time to come.

I have to say, we did actually tell those who had supported us along the way, as we felt we owed them progress reports in return for all they’d given, and some of them were struggling to build families themselves but we told them anyway, as sensitively as possible.

But other people, we just let find out through the grapevine. Two of those forgot to announce their pregnancies back to us after that and I felt a little slighted as they had no reason to withhold that announcement other than tit-for-tat, but on the other hand I had to admit it was probably my fault because I did it to them first, then again it was kind of their fault they weren’t in the circle of people we did tell… meh, let’s all move on?

I don’t really know why these two chose not to announce their pregnancies to you. You seem to have covered most bases except for “too exhausted to feel like announcing”, and I suspect you may feel better about it in any case once your hormones are back in check.

Bea

By: Jamie

Jamie — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 03:47:17 +0000

I’m sorry Mel. You are right – these are just the feeling that need to be spilled out before you can heal. Let your mind wrap itself around something new.

I find I’m oversensitive to each and every pregnancy announcement as well – early, late, in person, in email. It’s not fair (to anyone) and it will probably never change.

Hugs to you.

By: Megan

Megan — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 15:33:54 +0000

I think there are two angles to the not-telling. When people know you’ve had losses or are dealing with IF, they aren’t sure how to tell you. Some just avoid the issue. Hearing “so-and-so had the baby” is not my favorite way of finding out about a pregnancy, but it does tell me some things about the character of that person/couple. (Cowards! Ok, that might be unfair. But that’s what I think.)
On the other hand, I waited until I was about 18 weeks pregnant to tell anyone other than very close family and friends. We’d had two losses and I wasn’t taking anything for granted. People made comments about the covert nature of my pregnancy, but they can just kiss my ass. And when I landed in the hospital with preterm labor, I didn’t feel the need to communicate with anyone except my husband and my mom.
Finally, people who are all “I’M PREGNANT!” when the pee is not even dry on the stick also annoy me. I think I’m personally just oversensitive to all things pregnancy-related. So they really can’t win.

By: Betty M

Betty M — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 11:16:55 +0000

This is a hard one for me as I am essentially a non-teller. This is partly due to a history of first tri loss and a general reticence . Even family and closest friends have to wait to know. So I can see how it can happen. I have also been bitten in the past by people I told early who then accused me of parading my pregnancy in front of them. This has increased my reserve. I also had an ambivalent attitude to hearing others’ news whilst in the middle of treatments: I wanted to know but then again I didn’t want to hear of another’s success. The only lesson I have taken from my experience is that it hurts least To hear pregnancy news when you are open and communicating a lot and on a very regular basis so there is no opportunity for things of great moment not to come up early.

By: laura

laura — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 23:07:57 +0000

Oops. To finish the story. Two years have gone by. The twins are over a year. She avoids me as does her husband. My husband confronted her to try and work things out but it didn’t work. She sent me a Christmas card last year with the baby announcement. I know that we will never be friends again but there is not a day that goes by that I am not devastated by what happened. Ultimately, I know that it is my fault. I am sure I made her feel guilty or something. I just really hate the way our friendship ended.

By: Laura DeBellas

Laura DeBellas — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 23:00:55 +0000

I am dying to respond this to post. Thank you so much for your openness. I have battled with this issue for so long. Two years ago I had a good friend. She was my fertility buddy. Called me on days I had doctor’s appt’s. Checked on me. I thought we were good friends. She even sent my business. One day I realized she wasn’t returning phone calls but I didn’t think anything of it. THis went on for several months. My husband came home from Men’s Retreat at our church. BTW, my husband is a deacon at our church. He asked if I knew she was pregnant. I said no, I had no idea. Mind you, this girl does not have fertility problems. And he said, “She’s pregnant….with twins.” My heart sank. I called several times and sent a congrats card. Finally spoke to her and they were identical twins and she just got lucky. More months go by and she won’t even look at me sh

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 19:44:16 +0000

I wish I could come and grieve with you and let you vent at me. I’d make hot chocolate and give you a big hug.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 18:08:22 +0000

I guess that I have committed this breech of friendship. I’m due soon enough and haven’t told loads of my friends. But I feel like there is a difference… I don’t have a friend like you… someone that is deeply caring and reflective and TTC on top of all of that. My friends are 20-somethings that are mostly unmarried still, so I feel like they probably wouldn’t give it much of a thought if I did tell them. It would be nice to have a friend like you to share that news with. I’m sorry your friends didn’t think about enough to share earlier.

By: Geochick

Geochick — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:28:37 +0000

*hugs* I’m sorry, it sucks to feel left out even if they just forgot. I’ve appreciated so much more the friends I have who are mindful and sensitive to our situation. The ones who aren’t…well, I don’t really seek out their company as often as I have in the past.

By: Kate (Busted Plumbing)

Kate (Busted Plumbing) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:47:27 +0000

I have a draft post on this exact issue hanging out in my blog right now… the issue of “telling”. I have a lot of compassion for folks who are afraid of hurting my feelings, and an understanding for folks who it just didn’t occur to them (like my cousin’s wife). But still, I find it so hurtful if /when someone intentionally doesn’t tell me. I will find out eventually, and don’t you think it will hurt even more if I find out 2nd hand, or after the kid is born?! I had a good friend, who worried about telling me… but rather than cowboying up, she hid it from me, but still told EVERYONE else. Of course I found out 2nd hand, and it hurt. I told her of course I would be happy for her, and celebrate her wonderful news. Her plan was essentially to ignore me for the next 9 months, which is pretty much what she has done anyways. Somehow I feel like I’m the one being punished for being infertile.