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Missed Announcements

I am working on the Creme de la Creme which always puts me in a mood.  It’s hard to describe with terms like good or bad.  It’s a sweater-wearing, curl up in bed in thick socks and read a lot of amazing posts mood.  It is a quiet space, a contemplative heart, a weariness from a surfeit of words, a challenge to my brain.  I take a lot of breaks to make sure that my blurbs are fresh.  I worry sometimes that I’m misunderstanding something.  I worry that I won’t get the list accomplished in time.  It is a little bit like crocheting where you work for hours and still the project isn’t done, even though you rationally know you are closer to the end and that it’s worth dedicating the time because you want the finished product.

But it puts me in a mood.

Oh, and I’m probably five seconds from getting my period.

In the last three weeks, I’ve learned that two good friends are pregnant and neither of them told me.  The first shared with me all the small details of fertility treatments for years and I was under the impression that they were on a break because she hadn’t shared any news for a bit.  It turns out that they are not only expecting a child, but are far along.  She’ll be delivering soon, but since we have only spoken by phone, I didn’t know.

Maybe she felt shy about telling me, worried that it would hurt my feelings when the reality is that this hurts a lot more.  My heart feels like it has been used; served as a soft pillow for someone to rest upon while they were hurting and then kick aside without any thought to the fact that I might have needed that muscle after she was finished borrowing it.  You know, for pumping blood and such.

I don’t think I made it hard for her to tell me; but perhaps I have.  Or it is embarrassment about not only the success, but having the means to keep trying.  I can’t roll back time, I can’t issue her a request that she share with me happy news in addition to all the sad news so I guess I just move on from here and go purchase a baby gift for the upcoming delivery.

The second is also far along.  The last time we saw her, I thought there was a bump underneath her loose shirt and I asked Josh what he thought.  “That’s rude, Mel.  You know she’d tell you if she was pregnant.”  Except that she didn’t.  She is also far along, ready to deliver soon, and the bump I thought I saw a few months ago was her child either at the end of the first trimester or the start of the second.  She probably started telling people a few days after she saw us.

I don’t think she withheld the news maliciously, but instead fell into a sort of mindlessness in the same way that I didn’t tell everyone I knew that I was going to graduate school.  While I always knew it was a possibility that I wouldn’t be accepted, it wasn’t a shock when everything worked out according to plan and therefore, I took it for granted.  Close friends knew my news.  Others found out when I was deep into the process of getting that next degree.  I didn’t withhold the information out of embarrassment that I got in when others didn’t or because I felt only some people were worthy of knowing my plans.  I didn’t tell because it didn’t occur to me how big a deal it might be to other people; people like my friend who applied and was rejected from every program.  And the same thing occurred with my marriage.  Close friends knew instantly when we got engaged.  Others found out a few weeks away from the wedding date.  Some found out after the ceremony occurred.

I think those who conceive easily sometimes enter this mindless state where those close find out instantly–grandparents-to-be, best friends–and the rest of us find out either by chance because we see them and they share the news or through the grapevine.  I think sometimes people take for granted that parenthood is just what happens next.

Of course, sometimes it simply comes down to the enormity of a person’s social circles.  But these are both people that would make the cut if we were planning a wedding again.  That is sort of how we’ve viewed our friends since we had to make that damn guest list and we wanted a small wedding.  Were the friends wedding-guest-worthy or were they Shabbat-dinner guests–nothing to sneeze at, but not in our closest circle?  These two women both would still snag wedding guest spots.

I am trying to make sense of these two lost announcements, looking for answers in the posts I’m reading via the Creme.  Perhaps, tucked into the next post I read will be an explanation of how two people could overlook telling me, having the news come from mutual friends, who gleefully shared the news knowing that I’d immediately be happy to hear it.  And I was.

But after I heard about the second one, I excused myself and asked Josh to watch the twins for a moment and I ducked into the bathroom and cried because even if I was happy for them, ecstatic for their good luck and happy news, it doesn’t erase the fact that I don’t have what they have.  And unlike Christmas, where there are no presents left under our non-existent tree, enough to make any Jew feel a little out-of-sorts when everyone is celebrating around her, having a child isn’t within my control like celebrating a holiday.  It is my choice not to partake in Christmas, to follow a different religion instead.  It isn’t my choice to be on the outside of that easy family-building experience.

This is the first time that someone didn’t share their news with me.  And I am trying to figure out whether I have had my hand in this; whether it is something I have done or perhaps speaks more about their embarrassment or mindlessness.  Whether this is my imminent period talking, making me more sensitive to having a pregnancy announcement withheld.  Whether it’s normal to feel slighted or if the energy wasted on thinking about this reveals more about me than about them.

I wrote this mostly to vent, to get it out of my mind where it has been churning away for the last few days.


1 nh { 12.26.09 at 5:19 pm }

I wish I had something I could say to take that pain away. I’ve tried to look at a similar experience from the other person’s side – trying not to hurt me etc… but it still stings. Pregnancy isn’t something that ‘we’ (or at least me) can just accept, that’s part of who I am now. We can’t ever be what we aren’t, and whatever we do, we can’t change the things that have happened to shape us in our lives.

What you do need to remember, however, is how much we all like you. How much we (as a community) value you. That we appreciate all that you do, for us. The Creme-de-la-Creme must be such an immense undertaking, and you do that for us all. Thank you for that.

2 Rayne of Terror { 12.26.09 at 5:32 pm }

I’m in the easy family building camp and this same thing happens to me all the time. Especially with facebook, I think often people assume you already know their news. Even with wedding guest level friends, unforch. I recently had an e-mail that dropped two such pieces of important info in an, of course you already know XYZ, manner. Oh, and when I passed the bar exam I didn’t tell because then most everyone would know I failed it the first time. I just sort of publicly ignored that I wasn’t a lawyer when everyone else was and then ignored that I became one too. Even though it was a huge huge big deal personally.

3 Lut C. { 12.26.09 at 5:41 pm }

I think you have it spot on with the mindlessness. That said, even if it wasn’t intentional I can imagine you feel a little hurt.

Sharing treatment news goes in waves for me, sometimes I share with more people, sometimes with less. It depends on how I feel. Sharing with more people is like vesting more hope into a given cycle.
I guess, once your friend decided not to share the news of her cycle, it was harder to ‘own up’ to that decision by giving you her good news.

4 Lavender Luz { 12.26.09 at 5:50 pm }

I wish I’d been in that bathroom with you, handing you tissues and maybe coming up with the perfectly timed joke to ease your pain. And to just abide with you.

It’s not something you’ve done. Beyond that, I’m not sure why they didn’t tell you. It’s them, not you.

Thank you for this place of inclusion. A place where there are always loving arms to enfold us. You are the antithesis of exclusion, and I’m sure it feels awful to feel on the outside.

Thank you in advance for Creme. I am excited to get reading your blurbs as well as the posts.

5 Bree { 12.26.09 at 5:52 pm }

I can understand why you would feel slighted by these two missed announcements. After all, you are a published author in the infertility/family building genre. You’re known for gathering, processing, and ultimately disseminating news from people you’ve known for years and people you’ve known for sentences. If those two women know about your book, the blog or the extensive community you’ve built, their sin of omission… they had to know at some level it would sting.

I suggest you take them off your hypothetical wedding list, or at least seat them very near the bathroom or the swinging service doors. Ha!

6 Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo { 12.26.09 at 6:00 pm }

I am in a mood too while trying to be kind and compassionate.

I wrote this kickin’ blog entry for Show and Tell and it truly resonated with the barren beauties (me being one of them) to describe how exquisitively horrific it is to be barren. To have zero alternatives. Other than ART with a 3rd party and to never be genetically linked to your child.

Now, being genetically linked means jack-all to me. My boys are NOT mine biologically but they are my DH;s and our surro.

However, NEVER having to experience givign birth… omg. The greatest pain. To never feel late term life within the womb. Horrific. To never document those moments, nor have them documented? The worst pain on my heart.

It is like part of my journey towards motherhood is and was totally decimated and missing.

So I laid it out there and someone got offended.

I don’t even know why. The barren beauties have to suffer far worse stress and worry and rugs pulled from beneath them… (oh and those who have had horrific health challenges which created the barrenness to begin with, abrupted uterus, cancer, whatever)… are constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.

Not to mention the ungodly expense of adoption or ED/GS or traditional surrogacy. The lack of “control” because it is someone else’s body carrying your child. The having to take everythign at face value and being at the mercy of someone else.


So I am a little bit yanked by the chain.

Because, unless you walk in a barren beauty’s shoes, don’t judge us. We will NEVER carry a child. Never deliver a child. Never feel life moving (the majority of us). Never be able to TTC.

That’s the reality.

My friends who decide to get pg and voila are preggers. I celebrate with them and they usually tell me straight away and I feel nothing but happiness and joy for them.

But totally dismiss the pain of the barren beauties? I don’t think any one of my friends has EVER minimized my pain. Ever.

How interesting that the pain was minimized by a woman who CAN TTC, who can consider IVF w/her own eggs, embies, etc. Consider IUIs.

We wait for years and year and year to adopt, try parenthood via surrogacy. Yes, I know surrogacy journeys (and mine was one of them) that went on for YEARS TTC and cost a FORTUNE.


So ugh.

There you have it. Me being peeved. I cna’t help it. Fertility and intact uterus and eggs that work but might need help… subfertility… taken for granted.

Vs. those of us with scartissue, cobwebs and horrific emotional and physical scars bearing the manifestation of our barrenness, open for all to see. I posted a while ago a pic of the massive scarring on my torso. It did not touch the tip of the iceburg. If I showed every scar on my torso, flank, back, people would be BLOWN AWAY.

So ladies who are so quick to say “infertility and barrenness are one and the same”. I am here to say… there is a difference.

And yes, I am the flipping posterchild.

It is rare, but our sufferings are totally, totally valid.

thanks for letting ME vent. We are ALL infertile, all struggling but those of us who have zero and count on a lovely birthmother or a stellar eggdonor or phenomenal surrogate walk a very very slippery and painful and long and very very expensive pathway.

7 Em { 12.26.09 at 6:11 pm }

Hi Mel
Thats gotta hurt a lot. Like one punch in the guts is hard but two is just… well its just not ok. I hope too that you find a way to let them know gently and firmly that it hurt. a lot.

One thing you dont talk about but I know is the reality is the huge sacrifice time wise you make here with all of us to bring us the many varied things that you do. Being a “high flyer” can be lonely and people forget that you still have feelings and can still be hurt, and that sometimes you might just want to be another person who feels stuff and thats ok.

I just want to thank you and to remind you that we too can be that support, and hope that my words along with the many other wonderful women and men who come here can help.

8 Nicole { 12.26.09 at 6:41 pm }

Hey…boy I know how this feels! Just found out my BEST FRIEND is about 24 weeks with her third. But she didn’t NOT tell me because she was afraid for me…long story. I also had a good friend not tell me until she was about 20 weeks.

Hang in there…we are so in this with you.

Hugs, Mel!

9 Erika { 12.26.09 at 6:41 pm }

Mel, I’m so sorry! I’ve been in that situation before… It really sucks! I know whatever reason or lack of fore thought lead to them not telling you had nothing to do with you. I hope you know how greatly appreciated you are by each of us in the ALI community. You’re truly amazing!

10 Barb { 12.26.09 at 6:44 pm }

It’s just so hard to know how to comfort without REALLY knowing your friends or your situation with them. Have you tried talking to another mutual friend that you can trust and who might have some insight? It might bring some closure. 🙁 And periods make EVERYTHING worse. ugh.

11 nancy { 12.26.09 at 6:53 pm }

That’s hard. Being left out of anything, even for a good “reason” is tough on the feelings. I’m sorry you had to feel that. ~hugs~

12 Jen { 12.26.09 at 7:26 pm }

I’m pretty surprised that your friend who went through treatments didn’t tell you her good news. I’m sorry it hurt you.

13 Courtney { 12.26.09 at 8:00 pm }

I am so sorry to hear about how you were left out the news. It is devasting to hear that type of news and then to find out that they are so far along, and you are just now getting the news. I have had the same thing happen to me twice in the past year since our infertility nightmare. Both people I feel were trying to protect my feelings, but in reality it ended up hurting me more that I did not know than when I did find out. I’m sorry you had to go through it and I hope in the future it is not this way for both us. ICLW

14 Manapan { 12.26.09 at 8:11 pm }

Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Yes, it was probably just mindlessness, but it’s upsetting nonetheless. ((hugs))

15 Mrs. Spit { 12.26.09 at 8:11 pm }

I’m sorry Mel. That hurts for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly because you are one of the most open and honest people I know, and it’s an insult to treat your care and concern as meaningless when good news comes around.

Sending hugs.

16 MeAndBaby { 12.26.09 at 8:20 pm }

To either of these women read your blog? I don’t understand why either one of them wouldn’t tell you. I’m so sorry you got hurt by that.

17 MeAndBaby { 12.26.09 at 8:21 pm }

sorry – meant to ask “Do” either of these women read your blog.

18 Melissa G { 12.26.09 at 8:27 pm }

I guess I can see what you mean about the mindless part of it, but I think that excuse would only fly with the one who didn’t require treatments. The one who did, should know better.

Brian and I had good friends who told us they’d just had a m/c after we confessed that we’d been having trouble ttc. At that point we told them we knew that they’d be pregnant again no time, and that they shouldn’t be afraid to tell us. That said, we found out when they were 20 weeks along. It wasn’t the fact that they waited so long to tell us, it was the fact that they had avoided (flaked on) my 30th birthday party, lied to my husband when he asked how things were going, and lied again- by omission when we saw them in a passing car. She was driving so we couldn’t see her bump. It was two weeks before they told us. And she’s a tiny girl, so unless she’d been wearing a pancho for 8 weeks there was no way they weren’t telling other people. The way they handled telling us made me loose a lot of trust and respect for them, therefore our friendship will likely never be the same.

Its so brutal when you feel left out, or even avoided. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. And when it comes from good friends, its hard not to feel a little betrayed. Ugh, it just sucks. Big hugs.

And thanks for working so hard on the Creme de la Creme list. I am SO looking forward to it.

19 HereWeGoAJen { 12.26.09 at 9:05 pm }

That really stinks. I’m sorry.

20 Elizabeth { 12.26.09 at 10:02 pm }

Mel, I’m so sorry that your friends were so thoughtless and hurt you this way. Sending big hugs.

21 Annacyclopedia { 12.26.09 at 10:02 pm }

I’m so sorry, Mel. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. Like so many others have said, you are the model of inclusion and openness. It’s just wrong that you are working on the Creme and struggling with having been left out in such a hurtful way.

22 a { 12.26.09 at 10:50 pm }

Regardless of the why, it still hurts that people don’t know how to tell you (of all people!). Your cry was merited. I hope you don’t have any more of those in your future.

23 Meghan { 12.26.09 at 11:14 pm }

I’m sorry. That had to sting. And it pisses me off when people don’t tell me something to ‘protect my feelings’. Completely minimizes me. I’m not saying that is what they did but I can see how they might attempt to justify it as such.

I will say that I never really told people when I got pregnant, besides bloggy friends and family. When we reached a certain point, if someone asked I didn’t lie but I did get from many people “I had no idea you were pregnant “. They might have felt left out or like less of a friend but really it was about me and my issues

Regardless, it sucks to feel left out of something. Especially since you are someone who gives so much of yourself. Sending you a big hug

24 Astral { 12.26.09 at 11:57 pm }

That’s yucky. I’m sorry that happened. I’m sorry you cried. I am sending you lots of {{hugs}}

25 luna { 12.27.09 at 12:39 am }

double sucker punch, my friend. I’m sorry, that really sucks. I agree with lori though — it’s not you, it’s them. I’ve been on your side of this situation several times and each time it was “hard” for the other person to tell me — not nearly as “hard” as it was to hear, and even worse to have it hidden for so long while every one else knew. that was the hardest part, to know that it was actually a decision NOT to tell me as they told others. to know it was An Issue.

I also agree you are the picture of openness and inclusion and compassion. it sucks to be left out. xo to you.

26 MLO { 12.27.09 at 1:35 am }

When I was pregnant with the pregnancy I lost I would have opted to tell no one but my husband (and certain family members) due to my family’s history of loss. The only reason people knew was I had started to show. For those who grow up with the knowledge that pregnancy does not equal baby, they tend to be very guarded in even saying the word. That feeling was exarcebated by having to go through IVF at the time.

Being completely barren due to ovarian cancer now, I still understand that sometimes not telling is because of a personal story that even close friends may not know. I don’t know your friend’s history, but I do know that if either had known much loss, or had been exposed to it, it would be very natural not to tell before the baby was born if at all possible.

Sometimes people become so guarded that they don’t tell even people they would normally tell. After everything, I could even see not telling more than a handful if we were to pursue adoption or surrogacy when we started getting close to an actual placement/birth. Some people are just more guarded even with their close confidants due to their experiences.

I’m only trying to give an alternate view.

27 Mina { 12.27.09 at 4:15 am }

Really classy, these two. As for the ‘mindlessness’ – how can a pregnancy be so ‘unimportant’ that they forget to tell you about it? I cannot wrap my head around that. What is missing from all this mess is them telling you ‘But we told you, MELANIE, you have just forgotten all about it.’ That would be the cherry on top.

28 queenie { 12.27.09 at 5:15 am }

You are fabulous, and I’m sure it’s no reflection on you that they didn’t tell you. But if it bothers you, talk to them about it-it will impact your friendship anyway if you just try to ignore it.

29 coffeegrl { 12.27.09 at 5:20 am }

I made a point of explaining to my friends that it was difficult for us to get pregnant. I explained to them how frustrating IF can be. And yet…I still wonder if some of them will neglect to tell me that they’re pregnant….until weeks and weeks into the pregnancy. I’m really not sure how the human mind works but I think emotionally it’s sometimes far too complex for some people to deal with and as a result they simply avoid the whole discussion/announcement. Maybe? It’s terrible for those of us on the other side though who continue to feel the hurt and perceive it as something more than an “oversight”. Anyway, I’d love to hear that you find some other more elaborate or compassionate answer.

30 Valery Val { 12.27.09 at 6:57 am }

Sorry you hurt. (and sorry for periods, it can seem so useless. )

31 Baby Smiling In Back Seat { 12.27.09 at 7:41 am }

“I am trying to make sense of these two lost announcements, looking for answers in the posts I’m reading via the Creme.”
Not my Creme post, but apropos (though I know you’ve already read it since you left a comment): http://babysmiling.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/thoughtful-thursday-signals/

There are SO many people I didn’t tell about my pregnancy. One after another I’ve gotten post-birth congratulations cards and emails that said, “What a surprise! I had no idea you were expecting!” In addition to family and the people I would consider true friends, I made a point of telling anyone who knew about IF and anyone I knew to be/have been infertile, but there are so many people I didn’t tell. Most of them were pleasantly surprised, but a few were put off. It was a combination of not wanting to tell until it was “safe” (defined either by 2nd trimester or viability), not wanting to make the announcement once I was battling preterm labor (starting 2 weeks after viability) and the babies’ healthy arrival was uncertain, and not wanting to cheapen something so monumental with a casual email.

32 IF Crossroads { 12.27.09 at 8:39 am }

Oh Mel ((hugs)) – I bet finding out the happy news from a friend of a friend was so hard to swallow. I wonder what your preggo friends were thinking. Was it fear of hurting your feelings? Or, was it a total mishap on their part and “forgetting” to mention. I would imagine, that for anyone who knows about your blog, that it would be hard to “forget” you are pregnant and share the happy news with someone who’s life is centered around IF.
Either way, I’m so sorry you had to experience the silent hurt and please know you have us all here to give you a big ((hug)) and hold your hand.
In addition, thank you for all of the work you do on Creme de la Creme. I can’t imagine the gigantic undertaking it must be to compile and put everything together! I’ve tried to go through my 100(+) posts to submit so many times and I get overwhelmed so I can’t imagine what you experience!

33 Kristin { 12.27.09 at 11:56 am }

{{{Hugs}}} Mel. I wish I could lift a little of this off your shoulders.

34 Eve { 12.27.09 at 12:29 pm }

Hi from a long lost friend here!

I’m sorry you are/were hurting as a result of this news being ‘kept’ from you. I had a similar situation when I was in the deepest depth of failing month after month of fertility treatments I found out I was the absolute LAST to know about a very close friend’s pregnancy. She had been talking with everyone else about how to ‘break the news to me’. I know she was actually TRYING to be as sensitive as she could about my IF, but instead I felt like the last kid to be picked on a team. After that, I made a pact with all my TTC friends (my good ones) that I would be the FIRST to know about any BFPs. And two of my friends didn indeed tell me before anyone else, it was so nice to have that sort of preparation when they did their ‘big announcements’ to others while I was there. With my own IVF, I also made a similar promise to another good friend dealing with IF that she would be the first to know.

IF hurts no matter how you cut it. It just hurts.

35 Battynurse { 12.27.09 at 2:28 pm }

I’m sorry. The pregnant friends is something that would be painful to most people, I think even non infertile ones. My cousin did this several years ago as did my sister. Both of them had held off on the telling because they had previously had miscarriages but it still was painful to hear over half way through the pregnancy that they were expecting.

36 Palemother { 12.27.09 at 2:33 pm }

Hiya Mel,

Hope the post and the thoughtful comments helped to lift you out of the churning … writing it out usually helps me when my thoughts/feelings won’t quit circling the drain.

I was so interested to read everyone’s remarks — this is something I’ve given a lot of thought, unfortunately without a good conclusion. And that’s something for an over-thinker like me. I can usually think my way out of anyhing. But this one just ain’t pretty.

I could tell you my stories, but I’m not sure they’d help. Just variations on the theme.

I’m so sorry for your hurt. I wish I lived close. I would totally cook you something. Like a tiramisu with raspberries or an Irish whiskey cake. Something to take the edge off all of the work.


37 Dawn Davenport { 12.27.09 at 2:33 pm }

I think you’re probably right on most fronts as to why you didn’t get the info. I suspect you fell through the telling time frame crack and also that it might have been hard to tell you, making it easier to accidentally forget to tell you. Either way, I know that it hurts and I’m so sorry.

As I read your post I realized that I’m guilty of being mindless in the way I spread important news. I was raised in a family that felt like sharing good news was just a tad too close to bragging so I’ve always had a weird relationship with this process. Of course, I want to share and brag, but feel uncomfortable with doing it. And then after I’ve told a number of people, I forget who I’ve told and feel so embarrassed if I tell someone for the second time because then it really seems like I’m bragging. Anyway, none of this self centered musings helps you feel any better, I know. I’m sorry this happened to you.

38 Kate (Busted Plumbing) { 12.28.09 at 2:47 am }

I have a draft post on this exact issue hanging out in my blog right now… the issue of “telling”. I have a lot of compassion for folks who are afraid of hurting my feelings, and an understanding for folks who it just didn’t occur to them (like my cousin’s wife). But still, I find it so hurtful if /when someone intentionally doesn’t tell me. I will find out eventually, and don’t you think it will hurt even more if I find out 2nd hand, or after the kid is born?! I had a good friend, who worried about telling me… but rather than cowboying up, she hid it from me, but still told EVERYONE else. Of course I found out 2nd hand, and it hurt. I told her of course I would be happy for her, and celebrate her wonderful news. Her plan was essentially to ignore me for the next 9 months, which is pretty much what she has done anyways. Somehow I feel like I’m the one being punished for being infertile.

39 Geochick { 12.28.09 at 11:28 am }

*hugs* I’m sorry, it sucks to feel left out even if they just forgot. I’ve appreciated so much more the friends I have who are mindful and sensitive to our situation. The ones who aren’t…well, I don’t really seek out their company as often as I have in the past.

40 Amanda { 12.28.09 at 1:08 pm }

I guess that I have committed this breech of friendship. I’m due soon enough and haven’t told loads of my friends. But I feel like there is a difference… I don’t have a friend like you… someone that is deeply caring and reflective and TTC on top of all of that. My friends are 20-somethings that are mostly unmarried still, so I feel like they probably wouldn’t give it much of a thought if I did tell them. It would be nice to have a friend like you to share that news with. I’m sorry your friends didn’t think about enough to share earlier.

41 Rebecca { 12.28.09 at 2:44 pm }

I wish I could come and grieve with you and let you vent at me. I’d make hot chocolate and give you a big hug.

42 Laura DeBellas { 12.28.09 at 6:00 pm }

I am dying to respond this to post. Thank you so much for your openness. I have battled with this issue for so long. Two years ago I had a good friend. She was my fertility buddy. Called me on days I had doctor’s appt’s. Checked on me. I thought we were good friends. She even sent my business. One day I realized she wasn’t returning phone calls but I didn’t think anything of it. THis went on for several months. My husband came home from Men’s Retreat at our church. BTW, my husband is a deacon at our church. He asked if I knew she was pregnant. I said no, I had no idea. Mind you, this girl does not have fertility problems. And he said, “She’s pregnant….with twins.” My heart sank. I called several times and sent a congrats card. Finally spoke to her and they were identical twins and she just got lucky. More months go by and she won’t even look at me sh

43 laura { 12.28.09 at 6:07 pm }

Oops. To finish the story. Two years have gone by. The twins are over a year. She avoids me as does her husband. My husband confronted her to try and work things out but it didn’t work. She sent me a Christmas card last year with the baby announcement. I know that we will never be friends again but there is not a day that goes by that I am not devastated by what happened. Ultimately, I know that it is my fault. I am sure I made her feel guilty or something. I just really hate the way our friendship ended.

44 Betty M { 12.29.09 at 6:16 am }

This is a hard one for me as I am essentially a non-teller. This is partly due to a history of first tri loss and a general reticence . Even family and closest friends have to wait to know. So I can see how it can happen. I have also been bitten in the past by people I told early who then accused me of parading my pregnancy in front of them. This has increased my reserve. I also had an ambivalent attitude to hearing others’ news whilst in the middle of treatments: I wanted to know but then again I didn’t want to hear of another’s success. The only lesson I have taken from my experience is that it hurts least To hear pregnancy news when you are open and communicating a lot and on a very regular basis so there is no opportunity for things of great moment not to come up early.

45 Megan { 12.29.09 at 10:33 am }

I think there are two angles to the not-telling. When people know you’ve had losses or are dealing with IF, they aren’t sure how to tell you. Some just avoid the issue. Hearing “so-and-so had the baby” is not my favorite way of finding out about a pregnancy, but it does tell me some things about the character of that person/couple. (Cowards! Ok, that might be unfair. But that’s what I think.)
On the other hand, I waited until I was about 18 weeks pregnant to tell anyone other than very close family and friends. We’d had two losses and I wasn’t taking anything for granted. People made comments about the covert nature of my pregnancy, but they can just kiss my ass. And when I landed in the hospital with preterm labor, I didn’t feel the need to communicate with anyone except my husband and my mom.
Finally, people who are all “I’M PREGNANT!” when the pee is not even dry on the stick also annoy me. I think I’m personally just oversensitive to all things pregnancy-related. So they really can’t win. 🙂

46 Jamie { 12.30.09 at 10:47 pm }

I’m sorry Mel. You are right – these are just the feeling that need to be spilled out before you can heal. Let your mind wrap itself around something new.

I find I’m oversensitive to each and every pregnancy announcement as well – early, late, in person, in email. It’s not fair (to anyone) and it will probably never change.

Hugs to you.

47 Bea { 01.02.10 at 5:19 pm }

I can see why you feel slighted. At the same time, after all the infertility we never really made an announcement. This wasn’t mindlessness or trying to protect anyone, we just kind of felt exhausted by it all and needed a rest. We were waiting to feel safe. We were wanting to keep a piece of things to ourselves. We just wanted to not think about babies for a while and, though this might sound strange, being properly pregnant was our best chance in years, and was going to be the only chance for some time to come.

I have to say, we did actually tell those who had supported us along the way, as we felt we owed them progress reports in return for all they’d given, and some of them were struggling to build families themselves but we told them anyway, as sensitively as possible.

But other people, we just let find out through the grapevine. Two of those forgot to announce their pregnancies back to us after that and I felt a little slighted as they had no reason to withhold that announcement other than tit-for-tat, but on the other hand I had to admit it was probably my fault because I did it to them first, then again it was kind of their fault they weren’t in the circle of people we did tell… meh, let’s all move on?

I don’t really know why these two chose not to announce their pregnancies to you. You seem to have covered most bases except for “too exhausted to feel like announcing”, and I suspect you may feel better about it in any case once your hormones are back in check.


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