Posts from — November 2009

Who knows if they’re home, and honestly, if you could get away with it, would you care?  I guess that’s the real question–would you enter the house, and if yes, how would you come inside?

Please don’t forget to rifle through their mailbox (comment section) below and see what messages people have sent before you go inside.  And then return from time to time to place your own notes in the mailbox for future readers to find.

* You may encounter children or children’s items inside the house.

Thank Yous:

There are many people I need to thank in the construction of this piece beginning with Allison at Lunacy Web who did the coding and is available for other freelance projects.  This project was made possible from a generous gift of time and ideas from the Ford Foundation.  I would also like to thank the ChickieNob and Wolvog for their contributions.

Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

Here is the vital information, pure and simple (a more detailed set of rules follows below the list):

• The list opens the 1st of every month. It remains open until the 21st. You can add yourself at any point. The list is open to everyone in the blogosphere–blog writers and/or blog readers.
• Add yourself to the list by filling out this form: The list is now closed for December.  A new one will open for January on 12/31/09.
• Click here to cut-and-paste this bit of code to add to your sidebar (if you have the old code from another month, remove it and replace it with this one). You need to add the icon or a link to the current list on your blog (see below) and will not be added until it’s up.
• Commenting kicks off every month on the 21st. Please mark it somewhere (calendar, post-it note taped to your computer…), though I will be sending out an email reminder on the 20th. Commenting week runs from the 21st to the 28th. Every day, leave 5 comments and return 1 comment for a total of 6 comments. You are highly encouraged to choose the blogs you comment on from the participants list below, but this is not required.
• I will send a second email on the 28th to remind you to remove the icon from your blog.
• Read below if you want to find out about Iron Commenters.
• The commenting ends on the 28th. We catch our breath and the whole thing starts again the next month on the 1st. Drop in and out according to what is happening in your life between the 21st and the 28th.

1. Stirrup Queens (twins, books, writing)
2. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
3. The Unfair Struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)
4. Salvageable (TTC, recurrent miscarriage, life)
5. Banking On It (diui #6, infertility, tww)
6. Dreaming of Quiet Places (emotional abuse recovery, ponderings, my cute dog)
7. Into The Light Again (infertility, hobbies, marriage)
8. Don’t Scare Easy (hysterectomy, cat, reflection)
9. Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings (TTC after losses, cooking, Christmas)
10. Hubby, baby and me…would make 3 (early pregnancy, PCOS, life)
11. Sell Crazy Someplace Else (diui, weight loss, food)
12. Elana’s Musings (twins, parenting, randomness)
13. A + B, Waiting for C (just beginning, clomid, distractions)
14. Ten Times Crazier (twins, husband, TTC)
15. Ambivalent Womb (MFI, IVF, FET)
16. My Walking Path (nature, wildlife, greenliving)
17. Littlestomaks (toddler nutrition, expert advice, recipes)
18. Hurry Up and Wait (infertility, marriage, pets)
19. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, life, ttc)
20. Curiosity Quotient (photography, business, books)
21. Baby On Mind (ttc#1, IVF, unexplained)
22. Communique (life, infertility, ivf)
23. Trying for a Baby (TTC, endometriosis, laparoscopy)
24. AnxiousMummy (grief, ttc, me)
25. Can I Get Some Sugar with These Lemons? (endometriosis, infertility, IVF)
26. Just Jennifer (parenting, reviews, life)
27. Our Little Family (infertility, adoption, family)
28. PandaBox33′s Blog (life, family, love)
29. Le Blog de Bazookah Joe, tiraillee entre deux poles (bipolar, life, emotions)
30. Where the Wright Day Takes You (infertility, clomid, anniversary)
31. On Tap for Today (life, humor, Boston)
32. Playgroup Material (infertility, life, random)
33. Return to Innocence (TTC #2, IF, life)
34. A Journey of Hope – Cesta Naděje (IVF abroad, infertility)
35. Our Someday Family (MFI, treatments, random)
36. The Mis- Adventures of a Modern Day Farmer’s Wife (farming, infertility, PCOS)
37. Getting There (adoption, life, infertility)
38. On Blogging Well (blogging, marketing, writing)
39. Fading Ad Blog (fading ads, HIV/AIDS issues, same-sex marriage)
40. Our Journey, but Not Our Plan… (fet, waiting, acupuncture)
41. Alana-isms (secondary infertility, family, teaching)
42. We got hitched. We bought the 4 bedroom house. Now what??? (IVF, recurrent loss, randomness)
43. My journey with Endometriosis (infant loss, IVF, endometriosis)
44. MoJo Working (IVF, marriage, infertility)
45. Wistfulgirl’s World (infertility, PCOS, failed adoption)
46. Hoping For Another Little One (open adoption vs. IVF #3, TTC #2, family ramblings)
47. The Desire Of My Heart (miscarriage, depression, early pregnancy)
48. Just Wishing (parenting, life, oldness)
49. In Due Time (life, infertility, pcos)
50. Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo (surrogacy, 40+, twins)
51. Your Great Life (fertility, women, self-belief)
52. IF Crossroads (early pregnancy, IVF, endo)
53. Creating a Family (infertility, adoption, adoptive parenting)
54. IF in Big Sky Country (ttc, infertility, life)
55. Needs New Batteries (kids, birth, humor)
56. The Road Worth Traveling (health, family, early pregnancy)
57. My Walking Path (nature, poetry, greenliving)
58. Blogging MoRe (life, friendship, humor)
59. Strawberry Fields Forever (sahm, islam, marriage)
60. Drive Fast.  Take Chances (MFI, treatments, break)
61. Trying to Get Knocked up by Another Man (ivf, military, DE)
62. Raising Miles (baking, winemaking, babyraising)
63. Baby-log (baby, toddler, parents)
64. Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo (surrogacy, twins, 40+)
65. Enchilada Sunrise (knitting, bipolar, life)
66. The Yerkes Life~Learning to Embrace God’s Plans (ivf, faith, family)
67. Lifeslurper (donor, over 40, infertility)
68. Teddy Lifeslurper, ttc (ART, IVF, humour)
69. Skrambled (donor eggs, infertility, life)
70. Mindful Meandering (rpl, ivf, adoption)
71. Such A Good Egg (optimism, infertility, wellness)
72. Venting Vagina (IVF, omglolwtf, acupuncture)
73. Inconceivable! (ttc, infertility, family)
74. Romancing the Stone (newlywed, ivf, happiness)
75. RantouRage (NYC, catering, gay politics)
76. Write, Baby, Repeat (adoption, infertility, writing)
77. Parenthood for Me (adoption, infertility, motherhood)
78. The Sun’ll Come Out, Tomorrow (I Hope) (marriage, recurrent miscarriage, hope)
79. Trying in NYC w/PCOS (pcos, iui, frustration)
80. Wait, What? (unexplained-IF, wellness, pop-culture)
81. A Greater Yes (infertility, embryo adoption)
82. Learning through the IF Journey (early pregnancy, PCOS, faith)
83. The Pitter-Patter (ttc, mfi, (in)sanity)
84. Inconceivable?! (NOA, moving-forward, d-IUI)
85. Peanut Noodle (recurrent loss, IVF, considering donor egg)
86. Fertility Foibles (infertility, adoption, humor)
87. B is for Brown (ivf, ttc after a loss, optimism)
88. Melissa’s Thoughts and Realizations (iui, grad school, mfi)
89. That’s My Answer (question of the day, life, fun)
90. All My Peccadilloes (IVF, pregnancy, uncertainty)
91. One Little Pink Line Short of Sheer Bliss (ectopic, iui, mfi)
92. The Conceivable Future (RPL, infertility, IVF)
93. Mom Someday (ttc, PCOS, weight loss)
94. The Impatient Optimist (infertility, PCOS, pregnancy)
95. No Lingerie Here… (pregnancy after loss, family, life)
96. My Journey to Conceive with PCOS (infertility, pcos, ttc)
97. Mission: Motherhood (iui, random, infertility)
98. Infertility And Me (male factor infertility)
99. The Infertile Mind (humor, irony, infertility)
100. Mister IVF (male factor, IVF)
101. A Page In My Book (large family, special needs, premature kids)
102. The Dinoia Family (kids, moving, overseas)
103. Shannon’s World (relationships, random thoughts, work assignments)
104. Baby Wanted (adoption, pcos, miscarriage)
105. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, life)
106. Exploring Chaos (pregnancy, family, life)
107. Journey Through Infertility and TTC (infertility, pregnancy, family)
108. Letters to My Unconceived Child (baby, pregnancy, love)
109. Endo-A-Go-Go (IVF, donor eggs, endometriosis)
110. Daria’s Blog (observations, life, family)
111. The Egg Drop Post (infertility, adoption, mindfulness)
112. Manda Blogs About… (reviews, giveaways, life)
113. The Adventures of a Military Family of 8 (family, craziness, life)
114. Keeping Our Fingers Crossed (ivf, pregnancy, life)
115. Life Happens When You’re Making Other Plans (faith, family, IVF)
116. Adventures in Glass (pregnant with twins after IVF/PGD, life)
117. Once an Infertile (infertility, TTC#2, parenting after IF)
118. Three is a Magic Number (MFI,  TTC, life)
119. End.ometriosis (endometriosis, relationships, life)
120. Being Jamielynn (infertility, ivf, randomness)
121. Conception Deception (mfi, ivf, depression)
122. offmymind.but from my heart (adoption, infertility, openness)
123. An Unexpected Life (infertility, adoption, hope)
124. The Electronic Replicant (books, geek, meme)
125. Sister Village (growth, self-discovery, mentoring)
126. Raining Raining (fost/adopt, marriage, fertility)
127. Ruminations (parenting after IF, life, random)
128. Diary of a Stork Stalker (5 ivfs, newly pregnant)
129. Impatiently Waiting for a Baby (ivf, frustration, PGD)
130. I’m a Smart One (surrogacy, infertility, parenting after infertility)
131. The Royal Report (infertility, adoption, nonsense)
132. A Woman My Age (adoption, infertility, life)
133. From IF to When (infertility, iui, life)
134. The list is now closed for December.  A new one will open for January on 12/31/09.

Q: What if I miss a day?
A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

Q: What is an Iron Commenter?
A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?
A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is red, the next month it will be green, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?
A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?
A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours).

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?
A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?
A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

Looking for the comment section? It has been closed on this post. Use the form in the directions to add yourself to the list.

Directions: answer the question in the comment section.  Then leave a comment on the blog of the commenter directly before you (so it’s a chain.  #2 comments on #1, #3 comments on #2, etc.  If the commenter above you didn’t leave an address, just go one above that.  The point is to find new blogs/leave a comment–not stress).  The first person who comments gets a free ride and does not need to leave any comments.  The last person who comments gets…screwed.  My answer is below the picture.

A follow up to the last question, and one much more deliciously terrible.  Please, no googleable names used in your answer.

In case you can’t read it, the card states: DESCRIBE THE BEST WORST TEACHER YOU EVER HAD.

My answer: As a former teacher, one who has a great respect for all teachers, we also do need to acknowledge that some just suck at their job.  That they should have never been allowed around not only children–or in the case of college and beyond, adults–but they probably shouldn’t be allowed around humans in general.

While I have some true horror stories, from the professor who would make me kneel on the floor when I came to speak to him (he’d sit on a chair and we’d kneel on the tiled office floor) to the English teacher who left her liquor bottles in the rubbish bin and taught us nothing for an entire year, my favourite terrible teacher was a college professor.

He was flown in for the semester to teach a class on Scandinavian history–and all apologies to the Scandinavians, but the years of Scandinavian history that we covered sucked in comparison to your exciting European neighbours–and he spoke no English.  He had someone translate his notes into English and then he read them off the page by sounding out the words.  It was three hours once a week of English read phonetically off the page.  And if you didn’t show up, you couldn’t get credit for the class.  Three weeks in a row, he must have gotten his pages mixed up because he read the same lesson on the Russification of Finland.  Three times.  Did I mention that it was in phonetic English?  And you couldn’t ask him questions because he didn’t know any English?  You couldn’t even ask if you could be excused to use the bathroom because he didn’t know the word “bathroom” and we didn’t know the word for bathroom in Finnish.

Once a week.  Every week.  Three hours.  Just for three credits.

I spent Thanksgiving day with vampires and werewolves.  We went to see New Moon, which Josh did not appreciate.  In fact, at one point, I looked over at him and his head was tilted back and his eyes looked distinctly closed.  As in, he was not swayed by bare abs or Robert Pattinson’s sparkly skin.

Horror.

The movie was truly terrible and I gleefully agreed with my sister that I absolutely needed to own it the first day it comes out.  Cannot explain why I love terrible things, but I do.  I really do.

*******

It feels like there is a film hanging over everything; like condensation on the inside of a window pane.  It’s not just me, right?  I’m not sure where this feeling is coming from, but it sort of feels like I’m on a Disney ride, the sort where you are sitting on a tram, being led from room to room, barely able to take in what you’re seeing before you’re led to the next space, and then entire time, it always looks like you’re about to crash into a wall, but that wall gives out in the nick of time and becomes something you laugh about in the next room.

Is it just me?  Is anyone else simply feeling, for lack of a better word, a mood?  Where the same words would have rolled off your back on another month become a paper cut in this one?  Where you’re over-analyzing, wondering what every small gesture means?

I have been traveling in and out of a mood as if it is a foreign land.  As if I’m a visitor; one who knows the roads, but can’t pick up on all the nuances of the language.

*******

The Weekly What If: What if you could banish one dish from the Thanksgiving table?  What traditional Thanksgiving (or if you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, choose a different holiday) item would you never want to put in your mouth?

*******

And now, the blogs…

Thinking Miracles has a post about muted feelings regarding holidays.  She comments that even when she was dreading the holidays, she felt more about the holidays than now, where the feelings are simply missing.  As she says, “Not quite Bah Humbug, just Bah.”  It’s a brief post but encapsulates volumes even in its succinctness.

To Baby and Beyond has a wonderful post about why she talks about her infertility.  As she says, “The longer answer…you never know when you might meet someone that has all the answers you have been seeking or may give you a different way to look at things that you had not thought of before.”  It’s the stories that come afterward that really make the post.

This post was actually written last week, but since I didn’t read it until now, I’m throwing it into the Roundup because it is also without a date so it could be from this week.  Our Incredible Journey has a post about her son called “Jackfluence” about the convergence of National Adoption Month and Prematurity Awareness Day.  It is a beautiful post that shifts the way you see the situation, leading you from idea to idea until you end with a smile.

Apron Strings for Emily has a post about deciding to live child-free as her way of moving out of infertility.  She writes, “It’s taken me more than 12 years, but I think I’ve finally reached some closure in my infertility journey. Yet even as one door has closed in my life, I’m still learning to live with the reality of this decision. My infertility is no longer a daily struggle, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have those ‘moments’.”  I can’t even explain to you how beautiful the post is as a whole, how she unfolds the decision and all the points considered along the way.  I just wanted to hug Emily through the screen.

Saucy Ova has a post about waiting. And how the waiting leads to more waiting, to other decisions.  I love this line: “We will be swept up together again, with the lifeline to sanity and purpose embodied in the slimline plastic catheter that bridges the gap between nothingness and life.”  It is simply an ode to waiting; to the hardest part of the cycle for Tally.

Finally, I cannot explain to you how much I loved Our Family Beginning’s post about adoption.  It takes every possibility–from black-and-white to all shades of grey–and paints an enormously detailed picture about respect and love.  It is about not disregarding anyone else’s reality while she states her own.  It is about walking the fine line between celebrating adoption while also acknowledging that we’re born into an imperfect world where “social stigma, finances, politics, medical issues and more all come into play.  We all have to deal with the hand we were given” and therefore, to not make adoption his whole identity, but simply one card in the hand he’s holding.

The roundup to the Roundup: Visiting vampires for Thanksgiving.  The mood that is hanging in the air.  Answer the Weekly What If.  And lots of great blogs to read.

When I saw Heather’s name, my first (semi-internal) words were “fuck me.” I was this close–THIS CLOSE–to getting matched with Neil himself in the Great Interview Experiment.  After I had gleefully typed in the first comment (not knowing that somewhere out there, Heather was doing the same thing), immediately flooded with a myriad of questions to ask the great Citizen of the Month, I hit publish and noticed another name pop up above mine.

Heather.

But I truly believe that kismet works in amazing ways because while I wasn’t matched with the person I initially thought I wanted, I was matched with the perfect blog for me–a fascinating and important blog that I had not found prior to this month about parenting after adoption and special needs kids.

See, kismet.

I sat down and started reading Heather’s blog from back to front, since the archives aren’t accessible to the reader.  And there is a point to that, as you will read below.  It’s a moving story; it’s an important story; it is one that you should read because you will walk away laughing and crying and thinking and searching.  You will examine what you think you know about parenting a special needs child and see that information turned on its head.  You will see love and frustration and joy and sadness–in other words; it is life.  Messy and wonderful.

I got to ask Heather five questions and here are her answers.

You state that you began your blog to keep friends and family up to date on Jack’s adoption, but in the end, the blog has become a therapeutic site for you.  And if I can extend that, I think it’s also a really important site for people to read in order to understand what it is like to parent a special needs child.  If everyone who encountered your blog could magically walk away absorbing a single message contained in one sentence, what would that be?

In a very simplistic way—don’t judge a book by its cover.

I’ve noticed that your blog doesn’t contain a lot of dates–only the month is hinted in the url.  Is there a certain time of day you tend to write and post?  Why?  Is there a reason (other than, hey, I didn’t think of that) that you left the dates off of the posts and didn’t archive them beyond tags?  Personally, I think that the effect is that the posts are timeless.

Timeless is so….timeless. You know, the life we live is not measured in days or hours or minutes…having a special needs child is a marathon. You aren’t told, “you have this child for 18 years, and then you send them off to college…”  This is a life-altering experience…not easily measured in dates. This is the rest of our lives.  I usually write when Jack is either feeding or when he’s asleep!

I love the post you wrote back in October about the special needs marriage–an extension of having a special needs child that I think people never stop to consider.  Can you tell me a few ways you guys beat those 85% odds and keep it together?

Prayer. Hope. Desire. When we married, we promised that no one and nothing would come between us. Having a special needs child does not, in any way, change that. We may not be able to go out on “dates” like other couples. However, we find ways to spend time together—whether that be watching a movie when the kids go to bed, or talking at 3 in the morning when we’re changing tube feeding bed sheets….you have to make time to remember that you married for love for each other…not necessarily for the love you have for the children. You can never forget where the love began.

How do you think your background as a nurse influences what you choose to write about?  How do you balance out the multiple lens you could bring to your world: nurse, mother, storyteller/writer?

That is so hard! For so long, I felt like a failure as a mom being a nurse….and then, Jack came along. It was like the heavens opened up and showed me that G-d had a reason for the whole thing. I try very hard not to bring my professional life to my personal world…it is much harder doing the opposite. Honestly, I think this was all very orchestrated…and I am very thankful. There are times when I can stand back and put on my “nurse”  hat, and take on the dragons….where other mothers may falter. It’s all about coping…

If it were up to me, I’d have everyone in the world read the Rules of Special Needs Parenting, but what is your favourite post that you’ve written?

This is my favorite post.  My own mom made me laugh so many times…she has a really funny sense of humor, but also is super mushy. I loved the fact that I could make her laugh and relive some of my childhood! Sometimes it’s really good for me to write about things that aren’t pertinent to my life at that moment. My mom gave me that break!

Thank you, Heather, so much, for giving us a peek into your world.  I hope everyone heads over to start reading your Incredible Journey.