Posts from — October 2009

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought to myself, my grandmother is dying right now.  And I had the strongest feeling that if I wanted to tell her something in that moment, she would be able to hear me, so I spoke to her in the middle of the night.  This morning, my mother called to tell me that my grandmother had died in the middle of the night last night.  But I already knew.  It was around the same time that I bolted up awake.

After calling two of my cousins, who are more like sisters, I wrote something to read at the funeral.  This is my favourite story about my grandmother and you need to know that she called me her rotten egg and I loved being called this.  It started when I was little and her feisty-ness was one of the first things to go a few years ago, but I loved it when she could muster up calling me this nickname when I did something stupid such as forget to bring pants.

One time, I drove home from graduate school with a friend. When we hit Hartford, I realized I had forgotten my clothing and we had to drive back up to Massachusetts, grab my clothes, and hit the road again. I called my grandmother to tell her that we’d be late for lunch and she sighed as if this was par for the course for her Rotten Egg. When we got there, she fed us–she always made me buttered noodles–and we chatted at the dining room table.

“Do you have a beau?” my grandmother asked J–.

“I do, Grandma,” my friend told her. “But I’m a lesbian. Her name is G–.”

Grandma clapped her hands in happiness and grabbed J–’s arm. “I have always said that women bring everything beautiful to a relationship. With my husband, it was always me–I brought the beauty, the small details. What I don’t understand are gay men. There’s no one there to bring the pretty. But with two women, it must be wonderful all the time. Is it? Is it wonderful and beautiful all the time?”

J– laughed and looked at me, not understanding that I had the sassiest, most headstrong, tell-it-like-it-is, decades-before-her-time grandmother. That if my grandmother were a shoe, she would be a steel-toed doc marten. If my grandmother was a drink, she’d be gin. That my grandmother gave me the advice to take a boy on a test-drive before you married him. That while she was a product of her generation, she was also marching to her own drummer loud and clear in terms of her opinions and thoughts.

“It is beautiful,” J– agreed.

“Women, you laugh with them, you pee with them,” my grandmother mysteriously and famously said, and to this day, I never knew exactly what she meant by that statement, but her love of the sisterhood, her sassiness, her stamina, her broadness–these are the traits I hope I’ve learned as her Rotten Egg.

I love you, Grandma.

The cons of having H1N1: you have H1N1.

Trying to find the silver linings:

1. Since the illness prevented caffeine consumption and I went through all the pain of caffeine withdrawal, I’ve decided to resume my habit at a paltry 16 ounces a day.  This feels so much healthier–like I traded Marlboro Reds for Camels.
2. Since I threw up for five straight days and lost all that weight, I might as well ride this weight loss leg-up to try to get rid of those extra fifteen pounds I’ve been carrying around (fuck the freshman 15.  I have the fertility 15 and it’s all front and center).  Considering this weight loss attempt much more successful from last spring since I start out of the gate five pounds lighter.
3. I never have to wash my hands again.  I can touch surfaces and lick myself, at least until this strain mutates.  Our family moves with confidence through anxious crowds of people.  We laugh at those who wait in long lines for the vaccine.
4. Sexy raspy voice.

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If you would like to hear said raspy voice (which is, actually, quite sexy right now), you will be able to on November 5th because I am going to be at an event that is going to be web-cast.  I was a judge for the In the Know Short Film Festival and got to see all of the films and narrow it down to three finalists along with the other judges.

The films are being screened on November 5th at a live event and they’re showing it on the web, right here, at 8 p.m. (EST) on November 5th.  Please watch.  And tell me how slim I look in black.

Carol Burnett always ended her show by tugging her ear.  It was a silent gesture to recognize her grandmother and tell her that all was okay.  Let’s pick something for me to do during the web cast that is a shout-out to all of you.  Please don’t suggest that we make this movement me grabbing my breast.  I’m trying to be a grown-up, people.

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The Weekly What If: What if you could be chosen to act in any existing television show, movie, or play.  Which one would you pick?  Would you want a small walk-on role, or takeover one of the main parts?

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I didn’t get to do things that bug me because I realized I would mess up the chain if I put mine in the comments.  So things that bug me:

1. When people invite along another person without first asking the person they originally had plans with.  Maybe I had something I needed to talk about and now I can’t in front of the add-on person.  It doesn’t bother me to have more people there if they asked first; it’s when they invite and just expect that it’s okay.
2. People talking about changing plans once plans have already been decided upon.  Josh always jokes that if I am told that I am about to be smacked in the face and I prepare myself, I would rather have the person smack me in the face than change the plans on me.  Once I make a decision, I stick with it, even if it isn’t the most convenient, perfect plan.  I just make my decisions work rather than constantly reexamining it after making it.
3. People who don’t take the pull-through (yes, Josh, I’m talking about you).
4. Comment spammers (seriously, I get about 75 spam comments caught by Akismet per day) and PR people who write to tell me that my readers would love to hear about their new pregnancy belly band!  I know all I have to do is hit delete, but it’s still annoying.
5. When people put paper advertisements in the crack of our door so it falls to the ground when I try to open the door and then I have to crumple it up and recycle it and grumble about how we’re destroying the planet.

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And now, the blogs…

My Scar Smiles at Me has a post in three parts.  It begins with her lack of desire to move to Italy.  She writes: “I know that it would likely be bad to spend the next few months dwelling on how much I do not want to go.”  It continues into a dilemma about leaving a job, and in the end, comes around to the meat of the post which is about feeling on the outside of things.  She admits: “Because of this, I feel a bit removed from some of your stories– both those of you who are parenting/pregnant and those of you who are trying.   I feel a bit detached from the place I live because I fear that I am leaving it.”  I love this post because she describes so well those moments that come before big change and you feel as if you are right beside her, sighing in unison.

The Journey to 40 and Beyond has a post about CASA training for her foster placement.  She states that “I have realized through CASA training that a child’s past really wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. My thoughts have been preoccupied by our lives together once we have a child.”  It is an eye-opening post in general about the process, but it is also an honest and heartfelt post on the micro-level.

Tales of a Batty Nurse has a post about how words can hurt.  Or rather, it’s not just about the fact that words can hurt, but how this knowledge has informed how Battynurse will be as a mother in the future and what she’ll teach her children.  A beautiful post.

The Other Shoe has a tale of two daughters-in-law.  This post twists at the end and the two DILs–the one she could have been and the one she is, is taken to a different level.  It’s a story of difficult relationships and coveting a connection that is seemingly impossible to make under the circumstances.  Well-written, and I’m sure many will relate.

Lastly, Twangy Pearl has a post about the silent answers to asked questions.  It’s not that the questions are so out-there, and the stammering answers will be very familiar, but it’s her great writing that made the post fantastic and I love the statement at the end: “I have been brainwashed to be nice (at the expense of honesty, clearly) and I just can’t break out of it.”

The roundup to the Roundup: The good things about having H1N1.  Watch the web-cast on November 5th.  Answer the Weekly What If.  Things that bug me.  And lots of great posts to read.

Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

Right before we got sick, I was sitting with a friend at a birthday party when the ChickieNob walked up to us holding what just might be the most phallic thing I’ve ever seen including all penises.

“Someone gave my child a cock and balls,” I whispered to my friend as she approached.

“Look,” the ChickieNob exclaimed.  “It’s a sword!  A balloon sword.”

Is that what they’re calling it these days?

And despite my strong dislike of play weapons, my insistence that balloon swords have no place in a car, and why oh why couldn’t she have asked the clown for the nice balloon doggie that I saw other children holding, the balloon sword came home with us and now is shriveling up on itself like its post-coital equivalent.

What are you showing today?

Click here or scroll down to the bottom of this post if this is your first time joining along (Important: link to the permalink for the post, not the main url for your blog and use your blog’s name, not your name. Links not going to a Show and Tell post will be deleted). The list is open from now until late Friday night and a new one is posted every week.

Directions: answer the question in the comment section.  Then leave a comment on the blog of the commenter directly before you (so it’s a chain.  #2 comments on #1, #3 comments on #2, etc.  If the commenter above you didn’t leave an address, just go one above that.  The point is to find new blogs/leave a comment–not stress).  The first person who comments gets a free ride and does not need to leave any comments.  The last person who comments gets…screwed.  I will need to find something for the last commenter.

Please ignore the unnecessary “quotation marks” in the question.  Apparently, the makers of the Ungame are frightened that you’ll think they are speaking of spiders and earwigs.

Definitely keep talking about who, what, and where, but now we also need to tackle when, why and how.

When

People usually expect to see comments on a post within a few days of the post date.  Some people close comments on a post after a certain amount of time to deter spam.  But I leave my comments open indefinitely because I don’t think there’s an expiration date to a response.  I may not need support or accolades long after an event, but a post that is salon-like in nature never needs to have the conversation closed unless nothing new can be added.  If something new can be added, open that comment box and start talking.

Also, in this day and age of feed readers, people often allow posts to build up during busy periods or vacations.  They shouldn’t feel shy about catching up on old posts and commenting.

And that’s obviously an excuse because I allow posts to build up and then go back and leave comments when I have time to formulate good ones.  But I don’t think we should be shy about the fact that we have other things happening in our lives too and while we want to read blog posts, sometimes they get held over until we can concentrate and fully appreciate them.

The only time I don’t think this is helpful is when the comment is only meant to fan the flames in an argument taking place in the comment section.  Or if it’s beating a dead horse.  If the point has been made, there’s no point in leaving a late comment to make it again.  Especially because late comments are usually seen only by the author and not by the general community unless it is a particularly sticky post.

Why

People leave comments for a plethora of reasons:

1. You want to connect with the person and give them support or accolades.
2. You want to give your thoughts and respond to something in their post.
3. You want to build a relationship and have them come leave comments on your posts too.

I think if you’re coming from one of those three reasons, open the comment box.  I think if you’re coming to pick a fight, get free advertising for your product, make someone feel like crap, or drive traffic to another place, you might want to step away from the computer.  Because the fact is that comments can be deleted in one click and IP addresses can be blocked with a simple cut-and-paste, causing all that hard-crafted hatred to disappear into the ether of the blogosphere, wherever deleted comments go.

That was just my public service announcement for spammers and haters.

How

Leaving a great comment is an art, but anyone can leave a good comment.  And sometimes, in this day and age of fast-moving information, good is a solid place to be.  Here are my best tips:

Respond directly to the words on the screen

Especially when being critical, make sure you are looking at what the person is saying and then responding directly to their words.  Pull quotes from their post to make your point.  Too many times, comments argue points that aren’t there or that the commenter assumes the writer really means.  But if the comment clearly shows the blog writer that you haven’t read their words, it negates your own argument.

Keep on topic

Before you hit “post comment” ask yourself this question: are you writing to talk about yourself or to talk about the person?  It’s okay–even desirable–to tell a story that lets the other person know they’re not alone.  And to that, you sometimes need to talk about yourself.  But that is different than opening up someone else’s comment box solely to tell them about you, you, and you.  Make sure you bring even stories about yourself back to the point of addressing the original speaker and their thoughts and feelings.  If not, it’s like you just put a blog post about yourself on their blog.  Save it for your own.

Keep it simple

If it’s getting too complicated for a small comment box, consider writing a full blog post and then leaving a short comment linking to that post.  Make sure that you still address the original speaker.

Short is still good

Too many times, a person states that they didn’t comment because they couldn’t find the right words.  While not everyone agrees, my feeling is that a simple “I’m abiding with you” or “I’m thinking of you” or “Congratulations!” can go a long way in making the writer feel less alone.

Do you think there should be a timetable for commenting?  Is it ever too late to leave a comment on a post if you don’t close your comment box after a given amount of time?  Why do you comment?  Do you have another reason than the three I list?  What do you think about short comments that simply express sorrow or happiness for you?  What is some other advice you would offer on how to leave a good comment?