And I had another friend who sincerely has never ever been able to be nice to me again. Even though she has since adopted a child and it's been years, she just can't stop resenting me because I got pregnant. (This was true even when I had gotten pregnant and had miscarriages. She was literally jealous of my dead babies, because at least I got to be pregnant. Yaaa, jaw dropped.)

I have always tried to be careful. Always.

But some people, will never be happy. And at some point, I had to let it go.

I think one of the benefits of being completely out in the open with my infertility this time around, was that I was able to set up 'pacts' with my fertile friends. Those that were TTC, agreed to tell me FIRST and in private, so I could kindly bow out of big announcement or cry for myself. This agreement was made after one of my very good friends told me LAST of everyone (trying hard not to hurt me, I know), but it left me feeling like I had the plague or something.

Now I'm on the other side of this as I have two friends who are dealing with IF while I have gotten a bfp with twins no less. The best that I could do was to all them privately, and check in often that they didn't feel I was 'rubbing their noses' in my news.

For me, transparency has been the key. They more fertiles understand the dynamics of infertility, the more understanding they become.

I can't tell you how hard I've had with my SIL's recurring miscarriages, my own sister's IF, and now with my friend S's cancer. I am terrified of saying the wrong thing, I have probably SAID the wrong thing, and I truly hope that they all forgive me my stupid comments because I mean it from a place of love and kindness.

That's exactly what I meant when I said it really does need to go both ways. And it's applicable EVERYWHERE. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt, really trying to understand PAST the words they're saying goes a really long way.

xx

I have a friend and co-worker who went to the same RE as me and chose to adopt about a year before I got pregnant. As much as we talked and as much as I know what she went through, I can't tell you how many times I've kicked myself for saying something that came out ALL WRONG.

Here's the theme song for this post. It will be in my head all day tomorrow, and now in yours, too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITWZ7wOTojA&feature=related

I love cultures that have a certain dress for the mourning period–to give a clear sign to those who encounter them that they are in mourning and tread carefully. It gives respect to the process. I think in the US, we're too quick to expect people to heal.

I'm sure your aunt said it sensitively, so your grandfather could jump right to happiness. What I meant by witness vs. experiencing it…when a sibling announces their pregnancy, I can jump straight to happy because I'm actually involved–I'm an aunt, not a witness. Close friends too. But acquaintances and peripheral friends–as much as I love some of them and see them regularly due to circumstances (like being in the same shul), I also get that I'm a witness. I'm not a permanent part of their life.

I do think we can feel intense feelings about people we don't know–I certainly started family building early due to that nameless NY woman who lost her husband. And I have cried over many losses in the blogosphere–most of them from people who I read prior to the loss. And I've jumped around the living room for some. But I do share more with some rather than others, and that is perhaps what people should keep in mind as they tailor information. If I were the most fertile woman in the world, I would tell my best friend how long it took me to conceive. If I were the most fertile woman in the world, I may be a bit more circumspect crowing that fact around the office having no clue how others will hear my news.

If you look at your relationships like a circle, with the people you're closest to in the center and those who are lesser known towards the outer circle, I'd give the most information, expect the largest reaction from those in the center. I'd expect little and tell little (unless they ask questions) to those on the outer edges. And anyone who has taken the time to share with me aspects of their life would have me remember that I keep it in mind when I speak with them. If they don't tell me, I can't know.

I'm not sure I understand the first part of your comment, Chickenpig. I understood that Mel was saying that the opposite of "not being affected by other people's news." Can you clarify what you meant in your first paragraph?