Posts from — March 2009

This is the 37th installment of Barren Advice. You can ask questions that are fertility or non-fertility related.

Barren Advice is posted each Tuesday-ish. If you have your own question for Barren Advice, click here to learn how to submit. Please weigh in with your own thoughts in the comment section and indicate which question you’re addressing if there are multiple questions in the post.

Dear Mel:

I’m on my 4th injectibles IUI and I’m not moving to IVF. So I have one or two more months and maybe a 10% chance of getting pregnant and then that’s it. Life forever without getting pregnant. In the mean time, I have appointments at the fertility clinic about 3x/month. During each appointment, I have to interact with 3-4 people who each always ask me how I am. Truthfully, I am not handling the crushing disappointment very well. I realize their questions are their way of being polite and my normal answer, outside of the doctor’s office, is a simple ‘fine’. However, inside the doctor’s office, I just refuse to say that I am fine. I am nowhere near fine.

I’ve tried ignoring the question, I’ve tried a nonsensical answer (“Right”), I’ve tried truthful (“Not well”), I’ve tried truthful/mean (“You don’t want my answer”), and I’ve tried crying (that was fun). But in certain situations, like shelling out $1200 while sitting across from the billing person who I have nothing to say to, I feel like I need an answer that doesn’t make me feel like a total bitch and also doesn’t make light of my situation. Frankly, considering why people go to fertility clinics, I’d think I’m not the only person who’s at a loss how to answer this throwaway question. Any advice would be very welcome.

–Robin

Frankly, it’s a throwaway question pretty much every time it’s asked. Think about how we say it–this week, I said it to Steve who brings in the carts at the food store. “How are you doing?” I called over my shoulder AND KEPT WALKING. What is he supposed to do–shout the answer at my back?

Every culture has some variation on this question and uses it as a greeting. Isn’t that bizarre? Why wouldn’t we just use a statement as a greeting instead of utilizing a question–a conversation starter–when we don’t really want to talk?

Because we want to appear friendlier than we really are.

It’s not that I don’t care about Steve’s answer. When I step back and think about it, I actually care about Steve a great deal and when he was absent for a few days, asked at the customer service desk about him. Steve is a constant: he’s always at the food store. If he started to answer my question, I would want to hear it because if there was anything I could do to help, I’d want to do it. And yet I realized by the way I called it over my shoulder that what I was doing was really just acknowledging him, making myself feel like a friendly person rather than actually making a connection with him and listening to what is happening in his life.

Your question reminded me that I need to do better next time. I need to either choose a statement rather than a question or I need to slow down in the parking lot and show him with my body language that I’m actually as interested in the answer as I am in asking the question.

But what do you do with the people who aren’t considering how their question is hanging in the air like a sick joke? I mean, how would you be doing if you were in a fertility clinic? Unless they just gave you the golden ticket out of treatments, you’re probably doing crappy. And while you can’t change the fact that they asked the question to you, you can change (at least for the perceptive ones) how they ask it in the future.

I’d answer every “how are you” with an “honestly, not that well.” And then wait for the follow up. Those who say “sorry to hear that” are giving you a clear sign of how they wanted their question taken. They didn’t truly want to start a conversation with you, even if you’re someone they see constantly. It’s not that they don’t care about you, but in fairness to the limitations of life, they only know you so well and therefore are only so invested in your answer.

Those who return with a “why” are inviting the conversation. They want to hear why you’re not doing well, and these are the people I would focus on rather than foisting the answer on those who aren’t receptive in the first place. They may not be closer to the situation–you may find that you receive more care from the woman doing billing than the nurse in charge of your case–but for whatever reason, they are more invested in helping you emotionally.

“How are you” can be such a loaded question that I’m not sure why anyone would use it as a greeting. And while you can’t control whether or not it is asked, the way you answer will at least save you the annoyance of sharing your life with someone who isn’t there to actually receive that part of you.

I get the feeling from your question that you’re not really struggling with the answer insomuch as you’re struggling with the reality of the situation: someone has asked you how you are, you’ve answered, and they have essentially let your words fall directly to the ground rather than catching them in their hands. No one wants to see a beacon of care (that shining light of a question: how are you doing?) and then find that the light shines off of them as soon as they start speaking. Ask anyone who has experienced a situation that would fall under the category of “uncomfortable topic” (loss, illness, failure, divorce, unemployment, etc) how they felt when they began sharing their news and watched the conversation grind to a halt how incredibly hurtful it was to have someone figuratively holding out their hand and then drop it before human contact could be made.

I’ve written about the Twilight Zone episode before that explores that need for human contact and I think we need that contact, that connection to others, even more so when we’re undergoing something as emotionally draining as infertility. You need to be recognized, you need to know that people are still seeing you as a member of society because YOU are redefining where you stand in society. Fertility clinics need to be doing a better job at recognizing that they’re treating the whole person and not just their reproductive organs. The “how are you” is a nice start. Listening to the answer, whatever it may be, is the next step. And your office is falling short on that back end, asking the question to appear friendlier than they actually are.

It would be great if office staff read this post and thought about how the questions they ask affect the receiver when they are clearly asked without the answer desired. But they most likely won’t and to be fair, the best clinics don’t need it because they already are thoughtful (by best I mean best experience, not the highest success rates). Hop
efully, you’ll change some of the perceptive people.

And, if nothing else, you won’t hear the awful thud of your words hitting the floor as the other person drops them carelessly if you only give them to people who truly want to hear them. For the ones who don’t follow up your response with the next question (“why?”), answer every time they ask in the future: “thanks for asking; how are you?” Oh, and then change the topic before they can respond if you want to drive the point home that asking their question in a fertility clinic is inane if it’s not going to be followed up with some comfort. Or listen to the answer and show them how a pro does it.

No really, the beauty of a blog advice column is that you get to weigh in with your two cents too. Let the questioner know if you support the advice, add to the response, or dispute it completely.

Leave a comment in the reaction box below–only keep in mind that conflicting advice is embraced and rudeness is not. Want to ask your own question? Click here to see what you need to send in order to be included in a future Tuesday’s installment of Barren Advice.

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Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn’t it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that’s sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations.

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1. Stirrup Queens (infertility, twins, books)
2. Unicorn Mommy (uu, mthfr, children)
3. The Long Journey (secondary infertility, weight loss and life)
4. I’m a Smart One (surrogacy, infertility, parenting after infertility)
5. Baby Smiling In Back Seat (infertility, twin pregnancy, pottery)
6. Barefoot and (Not) Pregnant (ivf, food/wine, infertility)
7. Can You Imagine (infertility, life, ttc)
8. Sell Crazy Someplace Else (infertility, craziness, weight loss)
9. Baby Making Journey (azoospermia, waiting, random)
10. Production, Not Reproduction (open transracial adoption)
11. A Little Hope (infertility, iui, life)
12. Exploring Chaos (infertility, life, travel)
13. Elana’s Musings (twins, parenting newborns, randomness)
14. Maybe It’s Just Me… (PCOS, random, marriage)
15. Dragondreamer’s Lair (parenting, secondary infertility, crafts)
16. Infertility Rocks! (infertility, humor, treatments)
17. The Happy Hours (infertility, life, crafts)
18. Tales of a Brown Eyed Girl (pregnancy, family, preparing for baby)
19. Letting It Out (parenting after infertility, family drama, life)
20. Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings (HSG, books, recipes)
21. The Baby Makin Chronicles (pregnancy, life, economy)
22. Hello Jello (college, family, animals)
23. Eggs Benedict Arnold (adoption, family, infertility)
24. Hope Endures (infertility, ivf, faith)
25. Sticky Feet (twins, parenting, giveaways)
26. Making Me Mom ( mfi, spotting, faith)
27. Bodhi Ekah (longterm infertility, loss)
28. The Unfair Struggle (male-factor, friendship, day to day life)
29. Blue Gingham Jumpers (parenting newborn after infertility, life, work)
30. Learning To Accept My Infertility (ivf, male factor, hope)
31. Ninapintasantamaria’s Blog (conception, opinion, snark)
32. Alana-isms (secondary infertility, teaching, family)
33. Cyster A.C.T. (pcos, mental health, life)
34. What IF? (IVF, male factor, endometriosis)
35. My Little Drummer Boys (IVF twins, parenting, daily life)
36. Chronicles of an “IF” Fashionista (ivf, adoption, fashion)
37. Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! (twins, ttc #3, life)
38. Woman Anyone? (unexplained infertility, frustration, primary infertility)
39. Skrambled (donor IVF, infertility, life)
40. The Not So Secret Life Of Us (RPL; IVF; infertility)
41. This Could be Anyone’s Story (life, love, mothers)
42. Communique (life, infertility, family)
43. All Grown Up (adoption, random, general IF)
44. Portraits In Sepia (infertility, life, dogs)
45. f="http://starknut.blogspot.com/">Mad Season (ttc, infertility, life)
46. Staying Above the Water (parenting, life, random)
47. My journey with Endometriosis (endo, laparoscopy, ivf)
48. Family of Two (azoospermia, treatments, life)
49. Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random (grief, acceptance, family)
50. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Pampers (2nd trimester loss, marriage, infertility)
51. Mama Bear (adoption, infertility, openness)
52. 1tsp_grace (infertility, foster care)
53. Grace Guinevere (health, grief-after-father, life changes)
54. Child Bearing Hips (parenting after ivf)
55. Die Frau Ohne Schatten (ivf, feelings, denial)
56. Tiny Blessings (pcos, if, ttc)
57. Creating a Family (adoptive parenting, infertility)
58. Eggcetera (infertility, iui, clomid)
59. Bottoms Off and on the Table (ivf, sarcasm, cysts)
60. Infertile Myrtle (infertility, ttc, endometriosis)
61. Not The Path I Chose (secondary IF, RPL, weight loss)
62. MoJo Working (ivf, marriage, faith)
63. Onesmarmymama (parenting, opinions, music)
64. With God, All Things are Possible! (ivf, infertility, ectopic)
65. Sparkly Things Distract Me (ivf, infertility, 40+)
66. A Blog of One’s Own (parenting, family, rambles)
67. A View On My Life (infertility, weight, hobbies)
68. To China And Back… and Beyond (adoption, china, international)
69. Mustard Seed Baby (endo, faith, ivf)
70. Parenthood for Me (infertility, adoption, coping)
71. TheOtherLifeOfNancy (parenting, life, opinions)
72. TheNewLifeOfNancy (general, opinions, life after infertility)
73. Baby Manatee (infertility, IUI, general life)
74. Building Heavenly Bridges (grief, writing, baby loss)
75. The Bear and The Comedian (humor, parenting after loss, heavenly connections)
76. Bella And Her Fella (POF, DE/IVF, thyroid cancer)
77. Snarky Kisses (health, life in general, personal)
78. The Johnson’s Have Angel Wings (balanced translocation, known egg donor, miscarriage)
79. Body Diaries by Lucy (pcos, if, ttc)
80. Our life in Chuck Town (military, moving, motherhood)
81. Momtography (photography, parenting, life)
82. The Pieces of My Life (iui’s, mfi, secondary infertility)
83. This could be anyone’s story (life, love, mourning)
84. Inconceivable (NOA, failed mTESE, next steps?)
85. In Pursuit of Parenthood (infertility, faith, waiting)
86. Through the Eyes of a Stranger (infertility, adoptions, thoughts)
87. Dreams Come True (IF, IUI, life)
88. The Pitter-Patter (ttc, infertility, hope)
89. That’s My Answer (fun, questions, life)
90. My So-Called Life (MTHFR, PCOS, TTC after miscarriages)
91. Wheresmy2lines (ivf, donor, decisions)
92. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (infertility, pof, coping)
93. Mom Someday (PCOS, weightloss, life)
94. I never thought it made sense anyway (infertility, ivf, life)
95. Getting There (life, future, infertility)
96. Faith, Hope & Poop? (parenting, school, family)
97. Still No Explanation (infertility, pregnancy, baby)
98. Trying To Make 3 (marriage, work, life)
99. ISO the Golden Egg (SMC, PG over 40!, donor embryo)
100. My Infertility Journey (IVF/ICSI, PCOS, infertility)
101. Lifeslurper (IVF after 40)
102. Once Upon a Time (infertility, ivf, work)
103. Loving Thee… and More (co-parenting, children, inspiration)
104. Jason & Amber Patterson (life, infertility)
105. Life is Good (fet #1, infertility, life)
106. Were you looking for me? (infertility, IVF, family)
107. Seriously…You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (parenting, international adoption, life)
108. I Just Want To Be A Mom (IUI, friends, waiting)
109. The Divine Miss Mommy (parenting, kids, opinion)
110. Here Is To Another Day (unexplained, IVF, attempt 1)
111. Country Girl/City Girl (humor, observations, southern culture)
112. Life in the White House (pregnancy, donor sperm, life)
113. Misconceptions About Conception (unexplained infertility, emotions)
114. Seeking Serendipity (life, teaching, if)
115. Thoughts By Kim (infertility weight spirituality)
116. Trying for a Baby (TTC, endometriosis, laparoscopy)
117. All Things Griffin (donor insemination, infertility)
118. Conceive This! (MFI, IVF/ICSI, fi
     nally!)
119. Mrs Zeee (life’s funny musings)
120. Isn’t TTC Supposed To Be Fun? (TTC, IF, loss)
121. Junebugs Musings (infertility, travel, life)
122. Bugaboo Envy (ivf, infertility, relationships)
123. Tales of the Phoenix (TTC over 40 with IVF, trauma, food)
124. Keeping Our Fingers Crossed (infertility, ivf, life)
125. Musings of a Fat Chick (SMC, infertility, life)
126. Breeder Beware (infertility, budgeting, pets)
127. Gas Passer aka UUer (surrogacy, parenting after IVF, anesthesia)
128. In Due Time (infertility, pcos, life)
129. Happy-go-Lucky (adoption, ttc, infertility)
130. Thinking Positively (adoption, endometriosis, IF)
131. In Vitro Veritas Blog (ivf, pregnancy, stupid life)
132. Twists of Fate (miscarriage, health, life)
133. High Heel Happy (infertility, ivf, ttc)
134. Developmental Delays (loss of child, ivf)
135. Double Delight (twins, parenting, egg donation)
136. Two Peas Waiting for Our Pod (infertility, pregnancy, ivf)
137. Anything’s Possible… (infertility, life, food)
138. Learning through the IF Journey (infertility, G-d, PCOS)
139. The Infertile Sushi-loving Princess (infertility, adoption, over 35)
140. Life with Endometriosis and PCOS (infertility, endo, pcos)
141. Best When Used By (embryo donation/adoption; fet, life)
142. Geek By Marriage (family, friends, life)
143. The list is closed for April. The May list will open on 4/30/09
     
     

Q: What if I miss a day?
A: Catch up the next day by doubling your comments–12 comments instead of 6.

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A: Not for the faint-of-heart. People who wish to be an Iron Commenter and be entered on the Iron Commenter honour roll need to leave a comment on every blog on the participants list (exceptions are blogs that require you to have a special log-in, such as some LiveJournal accounts or other similar situations). You can spread out this commenting any way you wish over the whole week, but the final comment needs to be left by midnight on the 28th (EST). Reaching Iron Commenter status is done on an honour system. Please email me if you earn Iron Commenter status so I can add you to the wall of honour.

Q: Why do I have to add that bit of code to my sidebar?
A: The code is the latest icon (the icon changes colour every month so you know that you’re on the right list). This month, the icon is green, the next month it will be blue, etc. The reason is two-fold: (1) it enables more people to find out about IComLeavWe and (2) it gives you easy access to the current list once the commenting week actually begins and better ensures that you’ll use it. Too many times, people sign up and forget to actually do IComLeavWe and this icon gives you a daily reminder (with the dates on it) every time you open your own blog. The icon is linked back to the current list. On the 28th, remove the icon from your blog. A new one will be created for the next month.

Q: It’s the 23rd and I just saw this for the first time on my friend’s blog! I want to join the list–why can’t I?
A: Because IComLeavWe happens every month, once the list is closed, it’s closed. If you’re finding out about this on the 23rd, you can’t join the current month. But leave yourself a note to check back in a week on the 1st and you can sign up for the next month.

Q: You said the list closes on the 21st. Well, it’s still the 21st where I am. Why aren’t you moving my information onto the list?
A: All dates and times are U.S. Eastern Standard Time (UTC/GMT -5 hours).

Q: What if no one comments on my blog and I have no comments to return?
A: Well, that really doesn’t happen for the most part, but in that case, simply choose another blog and add an additional comment. The goal is to hit 6 comments daily as a minimum. Going over that is fantastic and encouraged.

Q: Mel, my question wasn’t covered at all. What do I do?
A: Email me; I’m quite friendly. It helps to place “IComLeavWe” in the subject line. You could also check this post which contains the history of IComLeavWe and see if you can glean anything there.

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Show and Tell is wasted on elementary schoolers. Join several dozen bloggers weekly to show off an item, tell a story, and get the attention of the class. In other words, this is Show and Tell 2.0. Everyone is welcome to join, even if you have never posted before and just found out about Show and Tell for the first time today. So yank out a photo of the worst bridesmaid’s dress you ever wore and tell us the story; show off the homemade soup you cooked last night; or tell us all about the scarf you made for your first knitting project. Details on how to participate are located at the bottom of this post.

Let’s begin.

Josh and I were having lunch with a friend. When our bowls of soup arrived, I pulled out my camera and started snapping pictures. She didn’t really understand what I meant by “this is perfect for Show and Tell!”

My favourite soup. It’s a vegetarian pho ga with tofu instead of chicken and a garlic broth. It is so damn good. What is your favourite kind of soup?

What are you showing today?

Click here or scroll down to the bottom of this post if this is your first time joining along (hint: link to the permalink for the post, not the main url for your blog and use your blog’s name, not your name). The list is open from now until late Tuesday night and a new one is posted every week.

The Weekly What If: Perhaps a sad one, but I was thinking about this during the week. If you could be reincarnated after death into a dog or a cat (or take your pick of any animal) and continue to live in your home or another family member or friend’s home, would you do so? You would retain your memory and get to observe life continuing, but you would not be able to communicate with your loved ones that you were, indeed, you. They would love you and pet you, but never know how close you were. You would get a chance to know what happens next, but have no means to assert your opinion. You would have to switch into true observer mode (I made it a pet rather than a ghost so you could still have the tactile interaction). Would you do it?

If you said no and yet still had to come back as a pet in this form regardless, whose house would you choose to live in–anyone in the world? You’d get to observe them just to satiate your own curiosity or observe them for your own entertainment.

There is a literary term called a chiasm, often seen in Biblical texts, but also utilized by everyone from the Bard to JK Rowling. It is, simply put, an inversion of the story. For example, in the first line, the door opens; in the last line it closes. In the second line, the person sees their sister; and in the second to last line, they lose their sister. There is always a turning point in the middle.

Or, to use a concrete example you probably read, with Harry Potter, the whole series is a chiasm, with the turning point being the resurrection of Voldemort in Book Four (not to sound like a complete literary nerd). Harry starts Hogwarts in Book One and finishes Hogwarts in Book Seven. He meets Ginny in Book Two and falls in love with Ginny in Book Six. And there, in the middle, the story transforms and all of the emotions, plots, and relationships invert and play out as a mirror image, giving depth to the earlier leg of the story. You understand his care for Ginny later, because you saw the inverse–her unrequited love for him.

In its earliest form, chiasms were used as a mnemonic device–the teller of the story only needed to remember half a story for the price of a whole one. In contemporary literature, it is used to lend depth, to draw connections between seemingly unconnected events, or to juxtapose two characters.

The point of all this literary crap:

I couldn’t stop thinking about this lit crit term while watching MTV’s True Life episode last weekend. I’ll be frank, even if I wasn’t an infertile woman, it would have been a difficult show to watch. But it added an additional layer to consider the inverse of my situation. It was the two ends of the spectrum: the woman who cannot carry a child to term and the woman who is carrying to term a child she did not intend to carry. It is no easier to have the problem of an unplanned pregnancy than it is to face the idea that you may never reach parenthood. There will be people from both sides who argue out the Pain Olympics, but I am simply describing what I observed: the mirror images of being in a situation with few exits and both women–those who can carry a child and those who can’t–moving towards one another to meet in the middle, closing off the figurative X of the chiasm. I cannot speak about the child since the episode told only the point of view of the parents.

The anguish, from what I could observe, was so similar (again, unless someone experiences both situations, they can never completely speak to how close the two situations are in actuality)–the feeling of being trapped, of feeling like there are no easy choices to make, of feeling judged, of feeling desperate. It was very difficult to watch the episode. I cried hard for Kayla and Amanda, hoping for peace of heart with the decision. I felt a deep gratitude that they allowed us a window into their world so we could better understand the process. And I will say this though I know not all readers will agree: watching the episode reminded me of how grateful I am that adoption exists.

The documentary followed two women considering creating an adoption plan for their unborn child. The first, Kayla, was 19 years old and conceived the child out of relationship. She immediately stopped doing drugs once she discovered she was pregnant. She made the decision to place her daughter twice–once when she was pregnant, and again once she had held her daughter and parented for several days. When I say that she made the decision twice, I mean that she made it rationally while she was pregnant–she knew that it was the better choice for her daughter. But she made it emotionally after giving birth. As she said on the show, it was the choice that was best for her daughter and terrible for herself, but she wanted to be selfless with this decision.

The second woman, Amanda, was 22 years old. She conceived her daughter during a brief relationship with a man, Rob, after she broke up with her girlfriend of four years. It was originally Rob’s decision to parent the child; while he was supportive of adoption, he wanted to raise his daughter. He already had a son from a previous relationship and he lived with his parents while between jobs and in school. Amanda felt strongly at first that she wanted to place with a couple she met through an adoption site online, but changed her mind during the episode. In the end, they chose to parent and Rob is raising his daughter without help from Amanda.

There were two things that struck me in this episode. First and foremost, the anguish. This episode was the anti-Juno. These were women who were gutted, trying to figure out a decision that could balance out their own emotional wants with a child’s basic needs. They didn’t casually pick out a couple and then go through the next nine months set in their plan. They agonized and debated and grieved. There was such deep grief as each woman realized that she didn’t have the ability to give her child the life she wanted her to have. That it went beyond having enough love or enough money or enough outside support. That there was a missing element–perhaps unexplainable but clearly missing–that they couldn’t provide.

But the second thing was that obvious missing element, the thing keeping them from parenting, which was not money or support or information or love. Perhaps it was an impulse; that drive that kicks in when people realize they consciously want to parent. For many, this drive kicks in prior to pregnancy and is the factor that moves people to build their family. Other times, it comes after learning of an unexpected pregnancy. The person is able, for whatever reason, to shift their view of the future to incorporate the child.

It was clear from the episode that even though Kayla had a support system with her mother, resources with organizations, and a deep love for her daughter, that she was missing this vital element that even she recognized when making the decision. She simply wasn’t ready to take on that responsibility. She explained to the couple who adopted her daughter that it wasn’t the inability to go out with friends or the lack of sleep–it wasn’t, in other words, the surface of parenthood.

She explained the elusive missing piece with an example that was more concrete: her primary coping mechanism was drugs. She was self-aware enough to realize that she needed other coping mechanisms in order to not only get through life but to be a parent. It was a matter of maturity–not the maturity that brings self-awareness since she certainly had that. But the maturity that propels the next step. And while it was clear that she was going to reach that maturity in time–she has now been sober for a year and is working on her GED–she didn’t have it in hand. And that was going to affect her child. Did she want to learn those lessons, acquire those life skills while also parenting or did she want to take the time to allow herself to grow up on her own terms?

The closest way I could explain would be to compare it to placing a twelve year old behind the wheel of a car. Could they learn the surface skills of driving; how to turn on the car and work the brakes? Could they even possibly drive for a few weeks to basic places in town and not cause an accident? But what about the quick thinking that is required to make split-second decisions while driving? The maturity to accept your fault in an accident and make sure the other driver is okay rather than fleeing the scene?

It is not a perfect analogy because there are plenty of teenagers who are ready to parent and perfectly capable of parenting. With the right resources in place and support systems at their fingertips, they may not have the smooth path that other parents enjoy, but they are capable of overcoming that rocky start to raise their chi
ldren. Yet more often, there are those like the self-aware Kayla who can point to herself and say, “I’m just not ready to take this on.”

Maturity is supposed to happen in due time. Thrusting a teenager into adulthood before they are ready is like thrusting a baby prematurely out of the womb. It’s not that premature infants can’t develop outside the womb. But development happens at a different pace outside the body. While the sucking and swallowing reflex is mastered in-utero around 34 weeks, babies born at 33 weeks don’t acquire it a week later. They may not acquire it for weeks and weeks beyond the date they would have in the womb. And I think Kayla realized that a similar thing happens when children move into adult roles before they’re ready: that the development of skills takes place at a different rate. We can’t thrust a baby into an unprepared teenager’s hands and expect her to pick up the same skills she would have picked up without a child to raise.

Therefore, I think Kayla made a decision that was best for her daughter and best for herself, even though it was the most painful decision she ever had to make and the aftershocks will continue to be felt for life.

Returning to the idea of the chiasm, it was helpful for me to visualize the child in the center (forming, undoubtedly, their own personal shape inside this experience), with the two women–the adoptive mother and the birth mother–moving towards each other, both from extremes of emotion towards a meeting in the middle. And then, the exiting, the second leg of every chiasm, as the roles reverse with the passing of parenthood. It filled me with emotion, with empathy, without words to explain how enormous the building of an adoption plan is for all involved.

Though perhaps open adoption is not a chiasm insomuch as it resembles the mathematical symbol for infinity.

Maybe a more accurate portrayal of the situation with intertwined loops forever connected by the central person–the child–who holds the adults, well-rounded with emotion, together.