Finally
I’d like to preface this post by telling you that I’m not pregnant since I know that’s where your mind will go. As well it should. You know I’m trying and I know that you’re trying and we’re both going to hopefully have that kind of announcement to make one day. But this isn’t that announcement.
I am really good at telling people other people’s good news. For instance, if you happen to be related to me and you happen to be getting married, I may have gleefully shared that with the hairdresser this weekend when she asked me what was happening in my life. I love writing the Lost and Found every day, not just for the knowledge that it helps people get the support they need but because I love sharing the happy stories. I am a glutton for a good story.
But my own news? I sort of did okay with the engagement announcement but I sucked at telling people I was pregnant when I was carrying the twins. Most of the time, I didn’t tell people at all. I did actually try to keep the pregnancy hidden until I was five months along, and even then, I never made a formal announcement. I just stopped wearing my winter coat and everyone said, “oh…” and that was that.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy; but I think when happiness comes at the end of a dark path where you’ve been dodging and weaving for so long that you walk tentatively. I really couldn’t shout about it because I was too busy holding my breath and beyond that, I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of a crowing session. When you’re not in a good space yourself, they suck. I mean, you’re happy for the other person, but you’re sad for yourself and even though most people can grasp that intellectually, when they are in a moment of bliss, they seem to forget this life lesson, this strange dichotomy where you can be simultaneously as happy as can be and as sad as can be at the same time.
I’m just really no good at telling news. As a case in point, I’ve started this post three times and now I am filling it with a long explanation instead of actually getting to the point.
I sold the book*. It will be on bookshelves in Spring 2009 (so a little more than a year from now).
I got the call during Chanukkah and I’ve been sitting on it a bit until details were worked out, but it feels safe to tell you. As safe as it ever can. Because, like pregnancy, publishing has not been an easy road for me and you always walk tentatively.
Can I just have a waaah waaah waaah part to this story? While my MFA classmates were publishing, I was trying. They were at conferences; I was at the clinic. I don’t regret my choice for a minute–if I had never published, but I had given trying to get to motherhood my all, I would have still felt like I had fought the good fight and put my hat in the correct ring. It doesn’t mean that I wish I hadn’t had to make a choice. I wish I hadn’t sunk into a two year depression where I didn’t type a single word. That sort of sucked.
Starting this blog was my concession to Josh to try to stave off that depression again this go-around. I love my therapist and I would return to her in a heart beat. But blogging is like self-guided therapy with questions or statements coming in the comments that can be done without the hour-long drive in traffic to the therapist’s office. That doesn’t need to be scheduled. I didn’t always have something to say when I showed up at my appointment, but here I can sit down at the computer precisely when I have something to say. I think even if no one read the words, it would still be helpful to get them out, see them in print, consider them from different angles.
Free therapy is just one of the many reasons I blog.
And, for me, it has worked. I may be bobbing in infertility, but I’m not drowning in infertility. Some of that is probably also the ChickieNob and Wolvog–secondary IF, for me, is different from primary (though, to quote Smarshy, just a different bag of ass). But I think that if I hadn’t started writing the blog, I would have stopped writing the book. That is what happened last time. Life simply stopped. I stopped writing, and, for me, when I stopped writing, I stopped thinking. My thoughts for two years became an endless loop about parenthood.
I know I’m lucky–you don’t have to tell me. I am well aware of all the things that aligned to bring me here. I’d like to think that it wasn’t just dumb luck–that I put in the work and then luck carried me through the rest of the way. But I’m also aware that the way you look at things also depends on where you stand. So…I understand other responses too.
Unlike graduate school and marriage (which for me were straight-forward and semi-easy in comparison to others), publishing a book has followed a path similar to conception where my classmates got to do the 100-yard dash and I was assigned the marathon. Actually, it was more like I was assigned a marathon where observers kept throwing cats at me. I was going to say crickets, but it wasn’t scary. It was just annoying and frustrating and confusing–as I’m sure it would be to have cats thrown at you as you’re running a race. I’ve published articles and online pieces, but this is my first book. Not the first one I’ve written, but the first one that will be sold at a bookstore.
I didn’t conceive and carry a child alone, so it seems fitting that several hundred people also helped out with the conception of an infertility book. Without you, I wouldn’t be writing because I’d be on the kitchen floor crying. Without you, the book would have a single point-of-view. Thank you.
I wrote these next two paragraphs a few weeks ago–on the night when I received the phone call from my agent–and though they are maudlin beyond words, I wanted to include something I was feeling that night. Because I didn’t cry until I started writing about it on my blog–which is a case in point about how powerful blogging can be, emotion-wise, and how important you all are to me.
This book is ours. There. Finally. The tears. I knew they were in there. I didn’t cry when I got the call and I didn’t cry when I told Josh or my parents or my siblings–all people who sat with me through so many years of plugging away at publishing. But I cried when I just wrote that sentence. We have a lot of work to do. We have a lot of chapters to write. We have a chance to get our voice out there–not only to each other, but to the non-IF world too. To REs who may read it or mothers who may pick up a copy to understand.
I may not be pregnant, I may not be ovulating anymore, I may be going back to the clinic in a few days, I may be doing the exact same thing I was doing four years ago. But this time, I’m in a better place. And I’m about to have a book published. And that is sort of blowing my mind at this moment. So thank you. For letting me get out all of the words that have been inside of me for the last year and a half. And please don’t leave me now because I now need to collected interviews for at least 8 other chapters.
Let me repeat that last part again in case you missed that because it was indented. This blog has been around for a year and a half, but it sort of feels like it’s just getting started. There are many more emotions that need to come out on my end and there are many more connections that need to be made and there are interviews to collect and voices to be heard. And though I may be shitty with email for a bit, I promise not to leave you if you won’t leave me since we’re both still running the race. With cats thrown at our heads for good measure.
*For those who are saying to themselves, “what book?” since they started reading this blog after my last call for interviews, I’ve been writing an infertility and pregnancy loss book. Every so often, when I start a new chapter, I do a call for interviews on the blog. And I hope you’ll add your voice to the book if you fit the chapter. I cannot even tell
you how cool it is to read through a chapter and think “oh, so-and-so said that!” or “this is a quote from this blogger.” Though most are posting anonymously within the text. So…that’s the book.
P.S. (can you have a P.S. to a blog post?): send any questions my way; I’ll answer them in a post because I also have some good stories to already share about the process.
0 comments
You sold the book! Woohoo! Congratulations, that is incredible. Hopefully no more cats will be thrown in your path this year.
Hooray! Congrats Mel, you’ve done so much for me and many others by pulling this community together, I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. I certainly won’t be leaving and I’d be willing to bet that there are many, many, many others who will be sticking around for a long time – no matter where their IF path leads. I’d come across and read a few other IF blogs before I found yours, but it was yours that made me realize that this wonderful, accepting, and supportive community existed. Also, my first ever IF blog comment was posted to the lushary, and shortly thereafter I was inspired to actually start my own blog. So thanks for all you’ve done and CHEERS!
This is so exciting! I can hardly wait to get my hands on it!
Most hearty congratulations to you. What an accomplishment.
Yay!! Congrats what great news.
How wonderfully exciting!! I look forward to following along with its development and eventually reading it.
That book thing is so exciting. I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy when it is all finished. Atleast we know your perspective will be in the right place. Thanks. That is just so cool. Will you be able to sell it on the Mom and Pop shop also or just in the bookstore?
Congrats! Not an easy to sell a book. Can’t wait to see it at my local bookstore. : )
Congratulations on the book!
And the bit where you wrote that, while your classmates were publishing and going to conferences, you were at the clinic? I relate to this 100%, as I’ve made a similar choice. Maybe it’ll take me a while longer to finish my dissertation, but at least I know that I’ll have given TTC my best shot.
I wish you all the very best both with the book, and the next trip to the clinic.
Congratulations!! I am soooo looking forward to reading it!
And thanks for the story about how your blog got started. Writing really is therapeutic, isn’t it?
Congrats sweetie! Such exciting news! Can NOT WAIT to get a copy!
Oh my goodness! Congratulations! Thank you so much for being the mama hen on our journeys. You are an excellent writer and I’m always comforted by reading your words.
I wonder what the pay is like for cat-throwers? Do you think they have dental? 🙂
That is such awesome news! I can’t wait to read it.
how exciting to be able to not just sell a book but one that is so personal and will speak to so many women as your blog already does.
i too relate to the bit about when your classmates were doing the dash you were at the fertility clinic. all the more reason to celebrate the imminent arrival of your book in bookstores next year!
This is so exciting for you, for all of us with infertility. I didn’t find you til midyear last year but I can say that I’ve been blessed to be here, wishing that while I was fighting the good fight to get pregnant (no longer fighting, but still wishing and hoping) I just wish I would have had a circle of friends like this. What a great thing you’ve been blessed to do!!! I look forward to hearing more.
Oooo, CONGRATS!!!
I’m all tingly!
So happy to have you gather the voices of IF and make us sound interesting and informative.
Awesome, Mel, just awesome.
You are my hero and I am totally ovewhelmed by your greatness.
Congratulations!
Congratulations!! This is such fantastic news!!
I don’t know why, but I am sitting here crying. Happy tears, vindicated tears, I don’t know. I am so happy for you that you are publishing the book, in fact I am so happy for all of us to have someone like you who can tell our stories and speak for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being OUR VOICE!! And don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.
Congratulations on the book deal. I can’t wait to read it!!!
You find the right words for all the women that are speechless in the infertility world. You lobby for us out there. You help us if we have suffered another loss on this journey. We are so proud of you, Mel.
Thank you!!!
That’s fantastic news!! Congratulations and may the words flow effortlessly. I can’t wait to see it in print.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! That’s WONDERFUL news!!!! I’ll be first in line. 🙂 (or ONline as the case may be. 😉 )
I agree about the blogging catharsis. It’s helped me immeasurably.
Woot! Congratulations and I can’t wait to read it. We will celebrate appropriately when we get together in a couple of weeks.
Amen on all the other stuff in your post. I just wrote a post myself about how I’ve been basically hiding my pregnancy for those same reasons. Afraid I would jinx it, but also afraid that my happiness would inadvertently hurt someone else who is struggling.
Amen on how blogging is self-guided therapy. Amen on how secondary IF is different from primary but still a giant bag of ass.
Lastly, you know darn good and well that I will provide interview material whenever and wherever you need it. It’s no secret that I have lots to say, and unfortunately my laundry list of available topics (primary IF, secondary IF, ART, IUI, IVF, RPL, etc.) is extensive. I’d feel better putting that all to good use.
Congratulations!! 🙂
congratulations, Mel!
Wow..this is so exciting!! Congratulations..I can’t wait to get a copy of the book!
Wooooooooooooo yay for you!
Mazel tov! Will you do a national book tour for publicity?
Mazel Tov!
I promise to answer a call for an interview if there is one I feel I could help with.
And Mazel Tov, again.
Congratulations!!
Congrautlations, Mel! That is great news. I can’t wait to read it.
Congratulations!!! What wonderfully exciting news. I’m so happy to hear it.
Oh what fantastic news! Awesome–such a BIG smile on my face for you!
CONGRATULATIONS MEL AND JOSH!
That is wonderful news. Really, really, truly wonderful. 🙂
Mel, this is such wonderful news. I am so excited for you and excited for us IF’ers!! I can’t wait until next spring. It seems so far away!
WHOO HOO! I can’t wait to read it and think…I know who that blogger is…
Oh Mel, that is so WONDERFUL! I am so proud of you (although not surprised).
I too relate about having my peers pass me. By not practicing the last 5 years I may have in fact given up my career entirely. But like you said, it was worth it.
I’ll be around for quite awhile, and I’m here for anything you need. If I fit a category you need, just let me know!
SO GREAT!
MEL!!! Congratulations! What fantastic news!
And I just wanted to say that I totally related to this sentence:
It’s not that I wasn’t happy; but I think when happiness comes at the end of a dark path where you’ve been dodging and weaving for so long that you walk tentatively.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Wonderful news, Mel! Congrats & you certainly deserve it!
Good luck!
Congratulations! Very exciting! I know it will be wonderful as your blog already is. One of the things that I love the most about your blog is that you make me laugh… when things or situations or tests or ttc in general just isn’t funny anymore, you manage to make to smile and give a hearty chortle 🙂
I’m sitting here in tears of utter JOY for you, Mel! YAY! I’m so proud of you – proud of all your hard work and dedication and look forward to soon spreading the word that “I know this author!” YAY
huge hugs and congrats!
Congratulations my friend!!!!!
Mel, that is awesome, just absolutely awesome! You got here not just by luck, by tons of hard work. The amount of work you do with this blog and Lost & Found and everything else – that’s work!! You deserve this:-)
Mazel Tov, Mel!
I’m crying tears of joy for you- the best type of tears, that’s for sure!
I can’t wait to get my hands on my very own copies (and to buy one for those who may need it.)
Your voice on infertility is amazing. Thank you for sharing with the world.
Congratulations! Congratulations! That’s wonderful news!!!
KICKASS.
The world needs your book. Thank you for putting it all out there for us.
Congrats Mel! That is great news!
Congratulations!!!
Zomg I am so buying this when it comes out.
😀
I’m doing a happy dance for you, even if it’s hard to tell it apart from my trying to dodge the tabbycats that keep appearing under my feet! How exciting!!!
I can’t wait to read it and hear you interviewed on NPR and see you on your promotional tour. You WILL be doing those things, right?
Oh Mel- Excellent News!! Congrat’s to you