Comments on: You're a Parent Before the Baby Is Born

By: Mrs. Flinger

Mrs. Flinger — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 14:46:00 +0000

Of course you are. You’re a parent as soon as you long to have a child.

By: ~r

~r — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 13:37:00 +0000

I would hope she meant that physically it's not a big deal. Too many discount the emotional impact of IF treatments... but I think many doctors do that with many conditions, so this is not unique.

I don't know at what point a woman becomes a mother. I absolutely believe that a woman who has lost a child is still a mother, whether that child was 30 years, 30 minutes, or 30 weeks at the time of death... but at the same time, I don't really consider my miscarriage my second child. I know there are others who do, and I'm not about to tell them they're wrong. So maybe motherhood is a state of mind, and each individual just knows when she's reached that stage?

By: Carlynn

Carlynn — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 08:28:00 +0000

I had to comment, as a diabetic and an infertile. I inject myself 4 times a day and it is a big deal. Sometimes I do it without even thinking about it but often I feel a little pang of sadness that my body is just not coping, that I have to help it. And even if it is a sub-cu injection, some of them really hurt and I get beautiful little bruises on my stomach every now and again. I have no idea what people think when they see them. Even though I need to give myself these injections, they are not "not a big deal".

And infertility injections are still hard, even as a regular injector. I have less fear of needles than I used to but I still dread those 10 days of stimulation. I think of the child I dream of having but insulin injections are just as hard. Sticking needles into oneself is just not a natural reaction.

And doctors can say unbelieveable things sometimes.

By: Murray

Murray — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:06:00 +0000

People don’t understand what they can’t see.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 23:00:00 +0000

I’m not a mother in the eyes of general society, but I know there have been times when I’ve personally felt like a mother. When I start to watch what I eat, when I take medications that aren’t for my own health, when I start to imagine life with an addition. I had a nurse tell me once that “you really do start to love that baby from the second you see a positive test.” Yes. And if you haven’t already felt as such, you start to feel like a mother. If we weren’t parents in a sense, then we wouldn’t feel the pain of IF- the conception efforts wouldn’t be as hard, the “positive” victory wouldn’t be as sweet, the losses and wouldn’t be so unbearable. I really begun to think of the label of “parent” as more of a mentality. And I don’t think that takes away from those who currently parent actual (tangible) children.

By: kathryn

kathryn — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 21:48:00 +0000

This was a very interesting post for me. I feel like I’ve been a mother for as long as I can remember. I just didn’t have kids that whole time. To me, there are a lot of titles that don’t require an action. Is a courageous person only courageous when they perform an act of heroism? Also, on the other side of the coin, I’ve heard over and over again that anyone can be a father, but not everyone can be a daddy (typical talk show jargon). I agree with the sentiment, but if that is true that a man can be a biological father without being a daddy to any child then can’t we say that a woman (or man) can be a mother (or father) before he/she has a child to parent? I totally understand that according to a strict definition, it takes a child to make a person a parent but we can’t discount what is in our hearts, feelings, emotions that make us into parents as well.

By: Katie

Katie — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 21:13:00 +0000

I'm still stuck on the fact that the doctor totally invalidated your feelings with the "people who are diabetics" comment.

I don't care if EVERYONE doesn't have a problem with it. I DO. And as my healthcare practioner, it's YOUR job to deal with ME.

not in a therapist-how-do-you-feel-about-that but rather, hey, let's work on this together.

Dox in the doghouse today.

By: Piccinigirl

Piccinigirl — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 20:19:00 +0000

I’m not sure how to feel about what the dr said, and to be honest a BIG part of me thinks it was rotten, but I guess she was trying to make the shots “easier” psychologically for you..maybe?
As for the “mothering” part, I never feel like I belong in a group of women talking about their children, I always feel like I’m at a party I wasn’t invited to, crashed and was wearing a trashy skirt, trying to fit in when I couldn’t possibly.
Yet, this post makes me think about the “will” and “desire” to be a mother. To do everything I can to make sure I become one may be just enought to call myself a “mother in waiting” and you are right in many ways: I am “motherly” in that I would take drugs, have ultrasounds and IUI’s and still be able to go on about my day.
I think a day to remember all of us is a great idea.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 19:55:00 +0000

I agree with your ideas for the most part, but regardless of your final points and questions, the doctor who said that was speaking to a completely different point. Her views reflect those of so many, and that is that you CHOOSE to go through infertility treatments. I read this in between the lines of her message: since you made the choice to stick yourself, have surgery, have your doctor “impregnate” you through a catheter, or any other myriad of emotionally and physically invasive procedures related to IF, why are you bitching? You’re arguing apples and oranges with someone like that — because even though this is a medical doctor speaking, the message is clear: your plight is nothing like that of a diabetic, who did not choose to have to this life threatening medical condition.

Good thought-provoking post.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 19:45:00 +0000

...Gotta love TYPOES!!!

"Just because her baby (and my babies) was not born to this world doesn't mean she is a mom."

was supposed to be:

"Just because her baby (and my babies) was not born to this world doesn't mean she isn't a mom."

Nothing like READING my comment before posting (insert rolling eyes here!).