Two Things On My Mind (Children Mentioned)
Back from the beach (only a mother post IF comes back from her vacation early so she can tuck in her children–but more on that thought in another post). And wading through emails and laundry. But two thoughts–one that came out of a post on “At What Cost” and one that has been nagging me.
Another point about Domar’s quote is that it assumes both people in the couple are on the same page. Either that or it assumes that you would continue on your path to parenthood alone. Someone raised the point about the first part being hopeful–a reminder that things will get better and you will not be on this roller coaster forever. I know realistically that if I had to, I would get off the roller coaster and keep living. That’s the realistic me. But the emotional me believes that if I had to get off mid-ride, I would just stop. Yes. Stop. I would just break and cease to be me anymore. A bit dramatic, but I’m always reminded of a play a friend wrote in college called The Man Who Stopped and it was about a man who didn’t die, he didn’t break down sobbing, he didn’t jump out a window. He just stopped. And that’s how I imagine those moments would be after I call the RE or put away the adoption information. I would just stop. Before my mother emails me to tell me that she’s worried about me, I will also add that I know (again, the rational me) that I won’t stop. I will wake up and still be grateful for those little A.R.T. babies upstairs. But that’s what goes through my mind when I hear this quote and I consider the idea that secondary IF may not be resolved like primary IF. Finances are different now. Eggs are different now. There is more to consider than just ourselves and that changes the decisions too. Wanting more doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful or not recognizing what a miracle it was that A.R.T. worked for us. But I do believe that the need to parent is coded in our D.N.A. and the desire is almost primal. Almost stop-worthy. As in, if you couldn’t fulfill that function, you would just stop like a computer whose plug has been yanked from the wall.
Oh…but back to my point. Which was this idea that Domar’s comment also means that both people were on the same page. And I know that couples are not always in absolute sync and it doesn’t mean that you can’t keep moving forward. But a small step behind is different than being on a whole different page. And I realized that I have no idea which way is the average for couples–are more people in relationships where both people are on the same page (though maybe a sentence or a paragraph behind) or on different pages? Because how do you overcome that obstacle? How do you leave behind a marriage for a not-yet baby? How do you stay in a marriage when there is a not-yet baby that needs to be brought into this world? How do you leave behind the not-yet baby entirely? And if you and your spouse are on different pages, how did you get on the same page? What advice can you give others from your journey?
My other thought comes from my ninja nurse practioner. When we were going through which antibiotics I could take (due to allergies), she came up with Doxycycline. And she told me not to try to conceive during the cycle that I take this because the child could be born with birth defects including black teeth. She informed me that even the adult teeth have the possibility of growing in black. Looking back at my trusty IF book (where I kept detailed notes of every blood test, injection, and procedure) I noticed that I took Doxycycline as the antibiotic during my HSG. And I was told (as I believe everyone is told) that the best time to try is right after the HSG because blocked tubes may have been opened by the dye. So which is it? Was I given terrible advice by the RE or is the NP too cautious or confusing it with a different medication? Is the birth defect factor a new detail with this drug? It’s been nagging me because…I don’t know why. Because medicine sometimes feels a little too slippery for its own good. I want black and white facts. And it feels like we’re flirting with something grey here. Grey facts. Black teeth.
More thoughts on beach vacations tomorrow when I have finished another load of laundry.