Comments on: Nightmare http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/ Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:42:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Piccinigirl http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26799 Piccinigirl Mon, 07 Aug 2006 17:55:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26799 I know the anger, we've gotten to be quite friendly in the past. It exhausts me and makes me like a lesser person. I have tried to wrap myself around it. This is what I have found, I have been a good friend, sister, daughter , even surrogate mom to students and when I really need someone to listen to me, there is no one who understands. I have been through life changing events and everyday bitching with each of them and now that I need that same "cheerleader" in my corner there is no one. <br/>It makes the anger worse. <br/>My mom told me I was "turning into someone she didn't know" last year about the time my sister was getting married and I knew it was true, I didn't know me. Yet I felt comfortable with this new me, the new Ire I had inside. I knew that I was hard to talk to lately, knew that I was "all about me" but I took that position, that for once, it would be All about me and how I felt. <br/>The world , my world, did not agree. <br/>I can't tell you what has changed since then, I still cannot be happy for everyone getting PG, but I think that will follow me into mommyhood (if I ever get there) I refuse to be outright mean to anyone these days, but it has more to do with Karma and my place on this planet. I don't have to be happy about your happy news, no more so than they have to be happy about mine. For a people pleaser like me that's a hard stretch to make. I havent' done it everytime and there are women I know that when they got their BFPs I felt vindicated and it wasn't even me. I know that joy for another human being. I just don't show it all the time. I know the anger, we’ve gotten to be quite friendly in the past. It exhausts me and makes me like a lesser person. I have tried to wrap myself around it. This is what I have found, I have been a good friend, sister, daughter , even surrogate mom to students and when I really need someone to listen to me, there is no one who understands. I have been through life changing events and everyday bitching with each of them and now that I need that same “cheerleader” in my corner there is no one.
It makes the anger worse.
My mom told me I was “turning into someone she didn’t know” last year about the time my sister was getting married and I knew it was true, I didn’t know me. Yet I felt comfortable with this new me, the new Ire I had inside. I knew that I was hard to talk to lately, knew that I was “all about me” but I took that position, that for once, it would be All about me and how I felt.
The world , my world, did not agree.
I can’t tell you what has changed since then, I still cannot be happy for everyone getting PG, but I think that will follow me into mommyhood (if I ever get there) I refuse to be outright mean to anyone these days, but it has more to do with Karma and my place on this planet. I don’t have to be happy about your happy news, no more so than they have to be happy about mine. For a people pleaser like me that’s a hard stretch to make. I havent’ done it everytime and there are women I know that when they got their BFPs I felt vindicated and it wasn’t even me. I know that joy for another human being. I just don’t show it all the time.

]]> By: Kay/Hanazono http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26798 Kay/Hanazono Mon, 07 Aug 2006 05:25:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26798 As you know, I have been wrestling with this issue on my blog for the past week or so. What I am coming to understand is that, while I don't have control over my <i>emotions</i> (and don't really believe that I need to control my emotions), I do have control over my <i>actions</i>. That is, I don't have to be happy for the other person, no matter how close they are for me, but I have the power to continue to act lovingly toward that person no matter how I am feeling inside. Does that make sense?<br/><br/>It's similar to your story about your sister: I can't speak for her, but as someone who has gone through a difficult divorce, I would imagine that she still felt all the feelings people who are ending their marriages have at weddings, but that she chose to act in a loving manner toward you that day, no matter how difficult it was for her. I don't know if I'm making sense. I need to think about it some more and will probably blog about this later in the week as part of my "untangling" series. Hope you get a better night's sleep tonight :) As you know, I have been wrestling with this issue on my blog for the past week or so. What I am coming to understand is that, while I don’t have control over my emotions (and don’t really believe that I need to control my emotions), I do have control over my actions. That is, I don’t have to be happy for the other person, no matter how close they are for me, but I have the power to continue to act lovingly toward that person no matter how I am feeling inside. Does that make sense?

It’s similar to your story about your sister: I can’t speak for her, but as someone who has gone through a difficult divorce, I would imagine that she still felt all the feelings people who are ending their marriages have at weddings, but that she chose to act in a loving manner toward you that day, no matter how difficult it was for her. I don’t know if I’m making sense. I need to think about it some more and will probably blog about this later in the week as part of my “untangling” series. Hope you get a better night’s sleep tonight :)

]]> By: Maya http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26797 Maya Mon, 07 Aug 2006 04:24:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26797 Thanks for stopping by my blog. I see infertility somewhat as a death. A huge loss that cuts you to the core. You don't expect yourself to just get over your loss. Nor, can everyone tip toe around your pain perfectly or forever. I agree with Carolyn, it takes a lot of empathy and compassion on both ends. As infertiles,we are probably going to be overly sensitive sometimes and our friends may be under -sensitive sometimes. We just need to be patient with one another, which is often more easily said than done. This does remind to post about one of my more insensitive interactions of all time. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I see infertility somewhat as a death. A huge loss that cuts you to the core. You don’t expect yourself to just get over your loss. Nor, can everyone tip toe around your pain perfectly or forever. I agree with Carolyn, it takes a lot of empathy and compassion on both ends. As infertiles,we are probably going to be overly sensitive sometimes and our friends may be under -sensitive sometimes. We just need to be patient with one another, which is often more easily said than done. This does remind to post about one of my more insensitive interactions of all time.

]]> By: C http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26796 C Mon, 07 Aug 2006 02:38:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26796 I think the obligation to be understanding goes both ways. If a person is close enough to me to know about my infertility (and at this point, casual acquaintances and strangers without internet access are the only ones who don't know) then they should have just as much of an obligation to be sensitive to my pain as I have to be sensitive to their joy. <br/><br/>Once again, this seems to be a subject where the burden is typically assumed to be on us, the infertiles. If we're not overjoyed at a friend/family member's pregnancy news, something is wrong with us in their eyes. Why can't we just suck it up and put on a happy face? It's not their fault that we can have a baby, so why can't we put our grief aside and talk about registries and bedding with them? <br/><br/>Empathy and compassion should flow both ways. I think the obligation to be understanding goes both ways. If a person is close enough to me to know about my infertility (and at this point, casual acquaintances and strangers without internet access are the only ones who don’t know) then they should have just as much of an obligation to be sensitive to my pain as I have to be sensitive to their joy.

Once again, this seems to be a subject where the burden is typically assumed to be on us, the infertiles. If we’re not overjoyed at a friend/family member’s pregnancy news, something is wrong with us in their eyes. Why can’t we just suck it up and put on a happy face? It’s not their fault that we can have a baby, so why can’t we put our grief aside and talk about registries and bedding with them?

Empathy and compassion should flow both ways.

]]> By: Kris http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26795 Kris Mon, 07 Aug 2006 02:03:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26795 I felt a little bit of this smallness this weekend, too. On July 4th at a party I found out someone I hardly knew was pregnant. I was dealing with an ectopic pregnancy and here she was announcing twins would be "neat". I couldn't look at her. I didn't want anything to happen to her pregnancy- but I couldn't share in her obvious joy. Saturday night I found out she had a miscarriage. I felt horrible. Like somehow I caused that because I wasn't happy for her, which is ridiculous. But I felt small, nonetheless.<br/><br/>But I do believe that while we have an obligation not to wish anyone ill, we do not have to be happy for them. And I believe you should feel happy for whomever you feel happy for. If you find out a random stranger is pregnant on a day you are feeling hopeful and find you are happy for them, go with it. If your best friend announces she's pregnant on the anniversary of your miscarriage and you can't muster happieness, don't.<br/><br/>There is a lot of anger directed inwards with IF. I'm not sure if that is true for other diseases, but I suspect that the inward directed anger is much more common in women than men. Women internalize so much. Say a man and a woman each misplace their keys. The tendency for the guy is to blame something outside- "Who moved my keys?". The woman tends to blame herself- "I am losing my mind... they were right here." So we carry this blame inside, even when we know that we aren't to blame. So we get angry for the guilt, angry for the blame, angry for the situation. You are not alone in this internal anger. I feel it a lot.<br/><br/>I think the divorce/pregnancy situations are different. Your sister did not want to affect your views on marriage. She worried that her circumstances could affect your life and maybe your decisions. Her bad situation could have had a big impact on your good one, so she put your feelings ahead of hers. <br/><br/>But infertility is different. Yes, someone might feel hurt that you can't be overjoyed for her, but really, after the initial hissy fit, your bad situation isn't going to have a big impact on her good one. She's pregnant. She's growing life. She's going to have baby showers and feel kicking and be told a million times how much she glows. She's happy. Maybe that is small. But if we are required to adjust our feelings, why not make the same argument on behalf of the friend-- why isn't she tempering her happiness because you are in pain? I felt a little bit of this smallness this weekend, too. On July 4th at a party I found out someone I hardly knew was pregnant. I was dealing with an ectopic pregnancy and here she was announcing twins would be “neat”. I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t want anything to happen to her pregnancy- but I couldn’t share in her obvious joy. Saturday night I found out she had a miscarriage. I felt horrible. Like somehow I caused that because I wasn’t happy for her, which is ridiculous. But I felt small, nonetheless.

But I do believe that while we have an obligation not to wish anyone ill, we do not have to be happy for them. And I believe you should feel happy for whomever you feel happy for. If you find out a random stranger is pregnant on a day you are feeling hopeful and find you are happy for them, go with it. If your best friend announces she’s pregnant on the anniversary of your miscarriage and you can’t muster happieness, don’t.

There is a lot of anger directed inwards with IF. I’m not sure if that is true for other diseases, but I suspect that the inward directed anger is much more common in women than men. Women internalize so much. Say a man and a woman each misplace their keys. The tendency for the guy is to blame something outside- “Who moved my keys?”. The woman tends to blame herself- “I am losing my mind… they were right here.” So we carry this blame inside, even when we know that we aren’t to blame. So we get angry for the guilt, angry for the blame, angry for the situation. You are not alone in this internal anger. I feel it a lot.

I think the divorce/pregnancy situations are different. Your sister did not want to affect your views on marriage. She worried that her circumstances could affect your life and maybe your decisions. Her bad situation could have had a big impact on your good one, so she put your feelings ahead of hers.

But infertility is different. Yes, someone might feel hurt that you can’t be overjoyed for her, but really, after the initial hissy fit, your bad situation isn’t going to have a big impact on her good one. She’s pregnant. She’s growing life. She’s going to have baby showers and feel kicking and be told a million times how much she glows. She’s happy. Maybe that is small. But if we are required to adjust our feelings, why not make the same argument on behalf of the friend– why isn’t she tempering her happiness because you are in pain?

]]> By: Anonymous Infertile http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26794 Anonymous Infertile Sun, 06 Aug 2006 22:53:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26794 I think your comment on obligations ties back to your post on the sliding scale of happiness. I know that there are some people that I will be genuinely happy to find out that they are pg and then there are the people that I will feel obligated to pretend that I am happy for. <br/>I will be happy for my IF friends b/c they have been through the same hell that I have. Other than the other IFer's there are very few other people I will be genuinely happy for - I can honestly think of two of them right now - my sister and my best friend. I can honestly say that I want for them to be happy as much as I want myself to be happy. Although I can't honestly say that I won't cry if it does happen but they have been there for me and I want the best for them also. <br/>The others, co-workers, friends (no matter how close), acquaintances, I will smile and say congratulations - as I am obligated to - but then may disappear from their lives for awhile while I deal with the pain. I think your comment on obligations ties back to your post on the sliding scale of happiness. I know that there are some people that I will be genuinely happy to find out that they are pg and then there are the people that I will feel obligated to pretend that I am happy for.
I will be happy for my IF friends b/c they have been through the same hell that I have. Other than the other IFer’s there are very few other people I will be genuinely happy for – I can honestly think of two of them right now – my sister and my best friend. I can honestly say that I want for them to be happy as much as I want myself to be happy. Although I can’t honestly say that I won’t cry if it does happen but they have been there for me and I want the best for them also.
The others, co-workers, friends (no matter how close), acquaintances, I will smile and say congratulations – as I am obligated to – but then may disappear from their lives for awhile while I deal with the pain.

]]> By: royalyne http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/08/nightmare/comment-page-1/#comment-26793 royalyne Sun, 06 Aug 2006 20:10:00 +0000 http://www.stirrup-queens.com/test/?p=133#comment-26793 I had my own "nightmare" of sorts just two mornings ago. It involved a public bathroom (with oddly short brick walls between the stalls- like "I can see over the wall even while I'm sitting and trying not to pee all over myself while I beg the stick to change colors" short) and (wonder of wonders) a HPT. While the dream was wondeful while it was in progress (two pink lines for me, one blinking brightly- hey, it's dreamworld, pregnancy tests can blink there), the second I awoke it felt like a nightmare. Because "dream me" was pregnant, and here I was CD10. The dream couldn't be a premonition, because the egg's still sitting there waiting to come out. So the dream was my most desperate desire, one that is not about to come true anytime soon.<br/><br/>It's weird how a happy dream can become something horrible the second you start thinking. You would think I should be happy about such a wonderful dream (the random classmate from high school who appeared in the dream and casually remarked upon the blinking pink line I hadn't seen yet- I was scrubbing my hands, I always seem to splash when trying to POAS- was happy), but "awake me" just got angry. Because I knew that it was fake, something my brain made up, as if to torment me further. There is no magical thought that gets you past the feeling of waking up with self-hatred. I hate myself for all the reasons you mentioned, and more. And I hate my subconcious for subjecting me a fake miracle, one that will not be coming in real life. I had my own “nightmare” of sorts just two mornings ago. It involved a public bathroom (with oddly short brick walls between the stalls- like “I can see over the wall even while I’m sitting and trying not to pee all over myself while I beg the stick to change colors” short) and (wonder of wonders) a HPT. While the dream was wondeful while it was in progress (two pink lines for me, one blinking brightly- hey, it’s dreamworld, pregnancy tests can blink there), the second I awoke it felt like a nightmare. Because “dream me” was pregnant, and here I was CD10. The dream couldn’t be a premonition, because the egg’s still sitting there waiting to come out. So the dream was my most desperate desire, one that is not about to come true anytime soon.

It’s weird how a happy dream can become something horrible the second you start thinking. You would think I should be happy about such a wonderful dream (the random classmate from high school who appeared in the dream and casually remarked upon the blinking pink line I hadn’t seen yet- I was scrubbing my hands, I always seem to splash when trying to POAS- was happy), but “awake me” just got angry. Because I knew that it was fake, something my brain made up, as if to torment me further. There is no magical thought that gets you past the feeling of waking up with self-hatred. I hate myself for all the reasons you mentioned, and more. And I hate my subconcious for subjecting me a fake miracle, one that will not be coming in real life.

]]>