And the Diagnosis Is… (Children Mentioned)
Money ankles. All that positive thinking and relaxing just made me develop money ankles. Hence the swelling. Oh…you haven’t heard of money ankles? It’s just as realistic as some of the other advice I’ve gotten over the years so it sounds pretty sensible to me. You just wish and wish for money so you can do a treatment and then it starts pooling up. In your ankles.
Or you get a bug bite and you have a terrible reaction/infection that requires antibiotics.
One or the other.
I’m thinking the nurse practitioner who examined me wrote down infection in my chart. She took one look at my swollen ankle and said, “oh my.” So now I am on antibiotics and I can’t hang out in the sun for the next ten days. Writing the prescription meant we had to play the navigate-my-allergies game.
Which meant we had to play the are-you-pregnant game because the medication she wanted to prescribe would have been detrimental to a baby.
Nurse: Are you pregnant?
Nurse: You say that pretty confidently. How can you be sure?
Me: Um…I just am. I’m sure.
Nurse: Okay. Are you taking any other drugs because this antibiotic can interact with other drugs.
Me: No, I’m not on any medications.
Nurse: What about birth control pills? Because it interfers with birth control pills.
Me: No. No birth control pills (yeah, right, like I’m going to spend money on those?).
Nurse: Hmmm…no birth control pills.
Me: I don’t think we need them.
Nurse: Why not?
Me: Because I’m infertile.
Nurse: Oh. (Glances at chart) But it says that you have children.
Me: Conceived through fertility treatments.
And this is the line that makes her the most kick-ass ninja honourary Stirrup Queen nurse practitioner in the world.
Nurse: You must love them so much and are so happy they’re here since you had to work so hard to have them.
Hee-ah! With that, she handed me a prescription and chopped a board in half with her bare hand. Thank you, nurse practitioner. You saved my ankle from disgustingness and you saved me a car ride of tears after the appointment with your fantastic last line.