My conversational summary of the last year and a half of IF was about three sentences long … I didn’t try to communicate the depth and breadth of the struggle (that would be like trying to dig a ditch with a spoon — pointless). I wasn’t looking for much. I was just looping her in a little bit. No one else knew except my online support friends (strangers to me IRL), so speaking about it at all was a great measure of my confidence in her.

Her stunning, lightening reply, “Why are you so *desperate* to have a baby?”

Time Out: Since when is it *desperate* to seek treatment for a medical condition? The only other conditions that I can think of that stigmatize the patient this way are mental illness (and isn’t that part of what my friend’s remark implies?) and maybe … bariatric surgery?

My God … the breathtaking ignorance and condescension. The salt in the wound. *Every* choice we have made in this journey has been a delicate balance of financial, logistical, spiritual, ethical and medical concerns. And those hairs are NOT easy to split. SISTER, I AM THE OPPOSITE OF *DESPERATE.* I’ve been playing King Solomon with my choices and my family’s life since I set foot in the RE’s office and it ain’t over yet.

I suppose because I have two children (for whom I am utterly grateful) and because I am >35, then the desire to expand our family is merely frivolous. I just didn’t realize it until my friend enlightened me. !!

Note: This woman is someone who struggled for a little while herself to conceive #2 and finally gave birth again (without ART) two years ago at 40. So while she has not experienced IF first hand, I (wrongly) assumed she would have at least enough sensitivity to my situation to be able to hear three sentences on the subject without clubbing me for my revelation.

This person also has a bias against conventional medicine … and she is independently wealthy enough to throw buckets of money into alternative practitioners (napropaths, $$$ experimental drops, etc.) when something ails her or her kids. (Would that I had those buckets for IVF.) Her next comments referred me to some new age fertility concepts because, of course, this worked for *her*. Good for her. She has NO idea how LUCKY she is. I don’t reject alternative medicine, but at my age and in *my* circumstance, I would never rely on that alone to treat *my* fertility issues. I just don’t believe at this point that lack of positive energy is my whole problem, thank you very much. Would you presume to suggest that a diabetic patient to ‘work on her attitude’ in order to make more insulin? *You* try feeling positive with people talking down to you like that.

I suppose the notion that I should just “cleanse my energy field” falls under the “Just Relax” category or “Unsolicited Advice.” And the “desperate” remark is probably just a slightly less righteous version of “This is God’s way of telling you He doesn’t intend for you to be a parent (again) …” It brutally judges your IF and your choices while utterly failing to empathize with the inherent anguish … NTM utterly failing to recognize the “There but for the grace of God” yourself factor. It’s like a rich man chiding a poor man for looking hungry and thin.

My real life girlfriend, also in her 40s, also struggling to conceive #1, commented that you can often tell the people who resent having had kids and the ones who are happy to have them. The former tell you all the horror stories and the latter tend to be more encouraging.

For me though, the worst is the fact that people who used to ask stopped dead when I turned 40. It’s like, now I’m dead in the water, so there’s really no point. (But maybe they’re just trying to be sensitive. Who knows? I suppose I’d be pissed off either way. There’s just no appeasing these bitter old infertile chicks…)

Errr…thanks, now why didn’t I think of that!?

The other very hurtful thing I’ve heard again and again over the last few years, from people who know I’m struggling with IF, is: ‘spend a weekend with MY kids and you’ll change your mind! Har Har.’

Honestly, that one hurts the most.

My husband had a son about 3 years before we got married. My stepson is amazing, I love him with everything that I have. Then my in-laws jump in with “well, he got *insert the wench’s name here* pregnant, so it’ll happen to you eventually.” Hmmm, nope, his body made good sperm back then. Now it doesn’t make enough, and they swim crooked. His sperm won’t impregnate anybody, not even that super-fertile tramp he’s stuck dealing with for 18 years. (ok, so this isn’t such a short version, but I’m impressed by my creative choice of words, eloquent or not)

The most common phrases I hear are more along the lines of “you will have children when you are ready” (yeah, because the house, dog, stepchild, happy marriage aren’t enough, somehow I’m still not ready) or “you don’t know God’s plan” (neither do you, I just choose not to point that out when you complain about pointless stuff that you have no control over).

None of the above have a “polite” or “politically correct” phrasing. They are all rude and mindless and make me want to stab you in the throat with a yellow hilighter (I couldn’t come up with a suitable weapon, there’s a yellow hilighter on the coffee table, you do the math).

I swear I was *slightly* less snarky with my first attempt, apparently retyping makes me cranky.

I work with a woman who used Clomid for like two months and so she “understands” infertility.

She trys to belittle what I am going through because she had fertility problems and it wasn’t that bad.

I know I haven’t been through what a lot of women have been through. I don’t have any fantasies of being an expert at this. It just drives me nuts that she pretends to know what I am going through. She doesn’t have my condition.