Comments on: Belonging

By: Moving (slowly) onward « Adventures in Reality

Moving (slowly) onward « Adventures in Reality — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:39:51 +0000

[...] I didn’t consider myself infertile. I started reading again not too long after we lost Joy. This post helped me feel like I belong somewhere, in some category. Now I do consider myself infertile in [...]

By: Lut C.

Lut C. — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 18:13:00 +0000

I have to second what Nicole said.

My heart goes out to the reader who lost her baby. It's a tragedy. And I'm sure she has a lot of feelings similar to those that come with IF. But is she IF?

What about my acquaintance who had two beautiful children without any problem, but lost the third one during birth due to a cord incident? Does she suddenly belong in the IF community? She suffered a tragic loss, but does she know what I'm going through?

In essence, the only thing that separates a new IF from a veteran IF is time.
That's not the case with basically fertile women who've suffered such a shattering loss.

The communities on PG loss and the one on IF are distinct, though related. On some level we relate, on others we don't.

About needing to be inclusive and comparing pain. Those are two different things.
A community that is all-inclusive, stops being a community. Should all of mankind be included in the IF community? Even that excludes aliens.
Not all of mankind understands what we're going through, which is the point of having a community of people with similar experiences. People who get it.

Comparing pain has been covered umpteen times in the IF blogging community. It's not productive, period.

By: serenity

serenity — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 21:51:00 +0000

Countless times I’ve tried to temper my grief because we’ve “only” been trying for 18 months on my infertility board – when there are women who have been trying for years.

I tend to try and minimize my grief on a regular basis. And it makes me feel worse than just letting myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

Thank you for this post.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 17:01:00 +0000

I’ve read this posting a few times and I can’t exactly bring myself to agree with you. I so want to & feel a bit guilty about disagreeing. I too know what it is like to feel on the outside & I hate to see anyone there. But I just can’t listen and accept advice from a gal that has only tried for 6 months and ‘suspects’ something is wrong. Unless infertility has been diagnosed by a dr., I can’t put these folks in the same bucket as a women who try time and time again or can’t carry to term. Until a dr. dashes your hopes of conceiving like the rest of the world, are you really on the outside looking in? This person is still hoping that they are not like you – they don’t see themselves in the same category. They are not yet in your shoes and the future is still bright.

Nicole M.

By: Ellen K.

Ellen K. — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 21:27:00 +0000

Excellent post. Hope you don’t mind if I link it from my blog.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 22:52:00 +0000

When I began treatment for primary infertility, I used to dream that once I was pregnant all these feelings of 'not belonging' would disappear and that I would forever be happy with whatever life threw at me because I had what I wanted.
Of course I was happy, when my daughter was born. However, aspects of parenting I find hard, and if I am honest, I have had some postnatal depression. I am embarassed and frightened to admit that, frightened that people will say 'how can you feel depressed, you've got what you wanted?', I also question this, but realise the answer/reason is complex. I once heard that infertility teaches us to anticipate failures and I wonder if I will ever be the same person.

For a while I fitted in at the new mother groups, now they are moving on to pregnancy number two..all perfectly timed of course. Some bemoaning that it didn't happen the first month they tried, how can they say that to me???

Again, I will not fit in, with my one and only..too frightened to try fertility treatment again and be swept away in the all- encompassing grief that comes with it.

I never thought I'd feel like this, and yes the feelings are less intense as I do have a child, but I still feel 'wrong' and different.

People don't understand, family where disappointingly no support last time, so we know we are on our own this time.